Insight....

[nextel]

We all handle situations differently. There are very few people that are "Single" when they meet the person they want to be with.

 

I have known MM for a very long time. He has spoken to W and told her that the M was over and she refuses to part ways in a civil manner. Instead she has resorted to tactics that have made him resent her. He should not put his life on hold just because she does not want to move on. As far as his children are concerned, we have talked about it and I know my part and we want to have children together.

 

Which ever way anyone looks at it, he is happy with me. We have some doubters and thats life. But I am in a relationship that continues to grow. We enjoy each other and understand what we are doing. We date openly and W knows he is seeing a woman. I dont know what W is gettingout of this and quite frankly, I dont care what she is getting out it, whatever it is, it couldn't be enough. I personally would not be satisfied with being with a man that comes home after midnight everyday, and one that spends extended weekends with another woman. Oh well, different strokes, for different folks.

 

I am happy this man loves me and wants to be with me. I am going to be with this man regardless of what the doubters on here say, think, or proclaim.

[Owl]

Well...I've got to agree with the issues that a lot of the posters have raised.

 

He's a serial cheater.

 

He's clearly more interested in spending time with Nextel than he is in raising his own kids...who he says he doesn't want raised by his wife. (But he's leaving them at home a LOT of the time so that he can be with Nextel...so WHICH IS IT???)

 

He doesn't like the steps his wife has taken to attempt to get him to stop cheating on her and work on the marriage (there's a shock!).

 

And I'd like to respond to GEL's comments...

 

I'd agree...there are many people here that don't feel that this relationship has a strong chance of turning into a "good one". And so their advice is naturally couched along those lines.

 

But I'd also like to point out that this does NOT invalidate what they're saying. The concerns about what kind of "catch" this guy is are valid. And the fact that we're all "anonymous posters" here doesn't negate that. There's no "tactic" here...people call it like they see it.

 

Your advice is colored by your experiences. By your "view on the world".

 

Its the same with everyone else here.

[Owl]

There are very few people that are "Single" when they meet the person they want to be with.

 

 

Hmmm....

 

How about this. They were single when they met the person they wanted to be with...so they married them.

 

Then, later on, they met someone ELSE they wanted to be with too.

 

That happens to EVERYONE.

 

The difference is...those that choose to act on that second 'impulse' make the choice to cheat.

 

Those that don't act on that impulse remain faithful.

 

I've been married 20 years. I've met several women in that time that I "could have fallen in love with". They were often beautiful, smart, etc... and often they showed an interest in me as well. The difference is...I recognized that, and out of love and respect for my wife, I ensured that I never gave myself the opportunity to pursue that further. I guess it had to do with a couple of things. You see...I still love my wife. I made vows to her that I meant and still mean. I also know that relationships go through 'stages'...and I know that when we're in a downslump, there's going to be an upswing too that will show me how great things can be. I don't bail out on things just because we're in that downslump.

 

But there are those who don't think that way.

 

I think that THAT is your defining difference.

[frannie]

He's clearly more interested in spending time with Nextel than he is in raising his own kids...who he says he doesn't want raised by his wife. (But he's leaving them at home a LOT of the time so that he can be with Nextel...so WHICH IS IT???)

 

I don't know Owl, but the way I read it in a previous message was that the children are with their mother when MM is with Nextel?

 

Even so, there's a kind of suggestion that the W is being accused of being inadequate to look after her step-children, while Nextel is expected to be a 'better' mother and talk of more children to come. Not that there's anything inherently wrong in that, but it doesn't sound (to me) to be about love and partnership, but about being 'a mother'... Nextel, maybe it's just the way you're putting it, or where the thread has gone, but it's certainly a strong theme in the past few pages... Does he want you for YOU, or to be a mother to his kids and how do you feel about that..?

[Owl]

I might have missed that Frannie...thank you.

 

One more thought:

 

Obviously, Nextel's MM was in love with his wife at one time. She was "the one" for him, and they married. And from what you've described, it appears that there have been a couple more "the one" 's for him over the years, and you're the latest.

 

What will you do if you marry him and then find out that there's a NEW "the one" for him someplace else?

[GreenEyedLady]

And I'd like to respond to GEL's comments...

 

I'd agree...there are many people here that don't feel that this relationship has a strong chance of turning into a "good one". And so their advice is naturally couched along those lines.

 

But I'd also like to point out that this does NOT invalidate what they're saying. The concerns about what kind of "catch" this guy is are valid. And the fact that we're all "anonymous posters" here doesn't negate that. There's no "tactic" here...people call it like they see it.

 

Your advice is colored by your experiences. By your "view on the world".

 

Its the same with everyone else here.

 

I think that my point was that it doesn't really matter if many people here think that the R has a strong chance of turning into a R...Pretty much all the advice from BS is that any R stemming from one committed partner, will not work...

 

And whether or not that invalidates the advice, people are not "catches", they are people...People, who when in the right circumstances, can and do, do the right thing...

 

And my advice is colored by my experiences and the firsthand knowledge that advice that is given here does affect your R...It's amazing how third-parties affect R's, don't ya think?

 

And I am here to help support others in what they choose...I am not here to push any agenda or be the morality police, but help others avoid pitfalls and really come to a decision that is good for them, not for others, but for them...

[GreenEyedLady]

Also, I don't think the OP said anything about necessarily taking over parenting duties, I think that was jumped on by some posters as way to tear down and discount their R...

[nextel]

Owl, your marriage views are yours. People are entitled to live their lives as they see fit. This is a board for OW/OM and not married individuals to voice their discontent for OW/OM behaviors.

 

MM takes very good care of his children. He has custody of them and they are intelligent, well mannered, articulate children. Yes, he spends a lot of time with me, but he does not neglect his responsibilities as a father. When the children are with their mother, he spends those extended weekends with me. He wants me for me and not to be the mother of his children. They have a mother already, and I will do my part as a step parent when the time comes.

 

Perhaps he was in love when he married her, and maybe he was not. What I know is that he knew even when he was getting married that it was wrong, but it was too late as she had planned the wedding and pursuaded him to go through with it (he did not tell me this part). The man wants out of his marriage and if he has found love before his M is over so what....Thats life. Get over it.

[GreenEyedLady]

OMG OP: I loved that response!

[nextel]

OMG OP: I loved that response!

 

A page out of your history book;)

[norajane]

He's "not a good person" because he checked out of his M without first doing the paperwork? So the surgeon who does a heart transplant and then rushes off to the next patient without first completing the paperwork is also "not a good person"? Hmm, interesting view.

 

Not exactly. To take your analogy, it's like the surgeon who does a transplant, and takes off in the middle for another transplant and goes back and forth between the two, screwing both patients and prolonging their time on the table.

[Owl]

Actually, I think this board isn't "limited" to OP...or else the moderators would have stated so and started actively pushing the BS's off the board.

 

Its an open community. "Thats life. Get over it."

 

I will grant you tho...you've convinced me.

 

It does sound more and more like this particular marriage should end. Now...I'd love to hear the "other side of things"...but just given what all you've said, it sounds to me like this marriage was indeed doomed before it started.

 

And honestly...depending on how long they've been married, and the depth of the feelings between her and her step kids...I'd probably be telling her the same thing if she were posting for advice here. There IS a time to walk away...especially with short term marriages that don't have children that will be hurt by the break up of the family.

 

And given that he's a serial cheater...I'd ESPECIALLY be giving that advice.

 

I wish you well.

[OWoman]

Not exactly. To take your analogy, it's like the surgeon who does a transplant, and takes off in the middle for another transplant and goes back and forth between the two, screwing both patients and prolonging their time on the table.

 

nj I can't see what in the OP's description makes you think he's still in the MIDDLE of a transplant? It sounds to me like he's done. The patient might still be in recovery, but that's the sister's job and not the surgeon's.

 

From all that's been said, it sounds like all the surgeon has left to do on that case is the paperwork.

[norajane]

nj I can't see what in the OP's description makes you think he's still in the MIDDLE of a transplant? It sounds to me like he's done. The patient might still be in recovery, but that's the sister's job and not the surgeon's.

 

From all that's been said, it sounds like all the surgeon has left to do on that case is the paperwork.

 

I don't know how long nextel and this guy have been in their affair, but it seems like it's been happening for a while. So he's been in the middle of the transplant for a while now. Perhaps he is finally nearing the end of it NOW, but all this time, he's been treating his wife like crap. And my whole point is that a 'good' person doesn't treat people like crap, so even if it isn't nextel that he's treating like crap at the moment, maybe she should consider at least that he is certainly capable of behaving that way when he is unhappy and is in conflict with the woman in his life.

[nextel]

From all that's been said, it sounds like all the surgeon has left to do on that case is the paperwork.

 

 

You said it.

BINGO!

[Owl]

It sounds to me more like the surgeon opened the chest, but never looked inside and figured he'd go work on another patient without working on the one he started...since he didn't want to operate in the first place.

[reboot]

This is a board for OW/OM and not married individuals

Uhmmmm... wrong.

[White Flower]

It sounds to me more like the surgeon opened the chest, but never looked inside and figured he'd go work on another patient without working on the one he started...since he didn't want to operate in the first place.

Or perhaps the surgeon saw what was inside the heart and decided it wasn't worth working on.

[nextel]

I don't know how long nextel and this guy have been in their affair, but it seems like it's been happening for a while. So he's been in the middle of the transplant for a while now. Perhaps he is finally nearing the end of it NOW, but all this time, he's been treating his wife like crap. And my whole point is that a 'good' person doesn't treat people like crap, so even if it isn't nextel that he's treating like crap at the moment, maybe she should consider at least that he is certainly capable of behaving that way when he is unhappy and is in conflict with the woman in his life.

 

Her is some insight....

 

I have known MM for 6 years. Before he got married, and after he got married. He got married almost 2 years ago. He informed W that marriage was not working for him 6 months after they got married and suggested counseling, she refused to go for counseling. A year later he told her that they needed to go their separate ways and she refused and said that they would reside as roomates. MM and I have been friends for 4 years, we have become closer in the last 4 months. His M was suffering from day 1 and I was not the cause. Over the summer, we talked quite a bit and in the fall, we made the decision to work on being together.

 

Am I worried that he might treat me badly....Naw. Is he capable of treating me badly....yes.

 

We are crazy about each other and have shared so many life experiences and been there for each other. We make each other happy and want to be together. There is no mystery, no secret.

[nextel]

Or perhaps the surgeon saw what was inside the heart and decided it wasn't worth working on.

 

That might be another possibility.

[nextel]

Uhmmmm... wrong.

 

You have a way with trying to create useless debates. Complete the whole quote and not just the part you feel will justify your input.

 

This is what I said....This is a board for OW/OM and not married individuals to voice their discontent for OW/OM behaviors.

[reboot]

You have a way with trying to create useless debates.

Really? Show me the threads where I've created useless debates. Please.

[OWoman]

He informed W that marriage was not working for him 6 months after they got married and suggested counseling, she refused to go for counseling. A year later he told her that they needed to go their separate ways and she refused and said that they would reside as roomates.

 

Hmm - your MM's W and my MM's W seem to have gone to the same wife school.

[nextel]

Hmm - your MM's W and my MM's W seem to have gone to the same wife school.

 

 

LOL

 

I guess thats the wives club.