Judgmental

[McGuyver]

I think I have a block--I really hate people.

 

I gave myself some assignments to go to the mall and some convenience stores to have some casual conversations, and perhaps flirt, just for practice. Instead I found myself feeling very angry and uncommunicative. So when I did have the conversation opportunities, they didn't go very well.

 

I looked into the anger, and I was feeling that way because in my mind I was thinking about how people tend to be shallow or stupid. Well that attitude isn't going to do me any good; I'm missing out on a lot of people if I only date people as "smart" as I am.

 

As I was writing this, I narrowed it down to being unaccepting of other beliefs, even if they're wrong. Somehow I have to navigate the other person's belief set if I'm going to communicate with them.

 

So I think if I take a more accepting attitude, it might help me relax a bit and enjoy the process. Are there any exercises that can help with this?

 

Like I said, I intellectually have an idea of what I'm doing wrong, but I hate them, & I have to get rid of those feelings if I want to be effective.

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Are there any exercises that can help with this?"

 

Yes, work on acquiring humility. Everybody has something to offer the world. There are many people a hell of a lot sharper than you and many not quite at your level.

 

YOU WRITE: "...I narrowed it down to being unaccepting of other beliefs, even if they're wrong."

 

Beliefs are neither right or wrong...they are beliefs. There is no requirement that a belief be factually correct for it to be a belief. So what's your problem?

 

YOU ALSO WRITE: "...in my mind I was thinking about how people tend to be shallow or stupid."

 

In psychology, the above statement is called a "hasty generalization." Making those kinds of statements on college papers can get you an automatic "F." Of course, your defense would be that it was only a BELIEF in your mind...not a statement of fact. For a more in depth explanation of "hasty generalization" go to----> http://www.nizkor.org/features/fallacies/hasty-generalization.html

 

If you have the internal belief that people tend to be shallow or stupid, you will attract those very people into your life in order to confirm your belief. The fact is, people tend to fall into a mean, or average, intellect. Everybody is shallow and stupid about something.

 

I think you are shallow and stupid about the nature of people...but don't be offended...that's only MY belief and I have no evidence it's a fact, other than some of the things you have written here. In other words, the evidence is insufficient.

 

I guess we both ought to work on being less judgemental. One of our differences is I don't hate people. I dislike a few, but I haven't even met most...there are probably 6,372,966,278 people on the planet I have never met or evaluated.

 

Actually, people who hate People ought not to read the magazine.

[Idle Tom]

I just wanted to say that I fall into this category as well when it comes to judging people and hence attracting those people, just ending up being frustrated, emphasize on those people's shallow sides, and... ad infinitum..

 

When I read this:

"I think you are shallow and stupid about the nature of people"

 

.. I was incredibly offended! Then I realized "Hey, he's not even talking about me.." and burst into laughter.

 

 

I have a nasty, nasty habit of judging people I dont know, and in my mind I create their mind. They have negative opinions about me and they are incredibly shallow. They are all this because I dont know them, and all the good people on this planet are already my friends.

(Disclaimer: I do not think this conciously, I'm not THAT much of an a**h***...)

 

I think I got this habit from when I was in my early teens and I wasn't very attractive. Kids can easily judge people from what they look like and that left me under the impression that most people are superficial except for my friends.

 

I only realized this a couple of years ago how arrogant I was, and have started "treating myself" by accepting the fact that, as Tony said, people have their flaws and as do I. (Hey, I do get to keep my strong sides, right?)

 

Over time, I've found these three things really helpful in socializing:

Accept a person's flaws, value their strong sides, and respect them as a person alltogether.

It all might sound pretty obvious, but for me it really helped to "dumb it down" to those things.

[McGuyver]

Tony writes: think you are shallow and stupid about the nature of people...but don't be offended...

 

Wow, I managed to piss off the moderator. You've taken a general statement by me, a "hasty generalization", as you like to call it, personalized it, and turned around to launch a personal attack.

 

Tony writes: There are many people a hell of a lot sharper than you and many not quite at your level.

 

There are some sharper, but you're not one of them. If you were, you wouldn't have just lost cool up there.

 

---

I think that's enough for prissy macho comebacks.

 

I went out again today and got better responses. I held back on interpreting what people meant and tried to carry a general positive demeanor. They were more relaxed and revealed more about themselves.

 

I'm going to keep on with this until I get the results I want.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

I have to commend you because atleast you realize you have a problem and you're trying to work at it. A couple of years ago, I felt just like you. I was considered pretty intellectual, smart, love to go to coffee shops and read, I like cultural things like museums and art exhibits, I like verbal conversations and debates about social issues and things of that nature, and I thought anyone that didn't like the things I did, the things that are considered "smart people interests", that they just could not have been as "aware" as I thought I was. But actually, I realized that I was the one that was "unaware". A person can be smart and intelligent, and that's look up too. But what's even more important than being smart, is to be well-round, and accept, and appreciate the fact that everyone is different, everyone has the right to be different, and who am I to feel that they are not intelligent because they don't like the things I do? The main thing I've learn is that no matter who you run into in life, anyone you run into has something important to teach you, and something new to expose you to, and that can broaden your horizons, you can actually be of more help to other people. What you're doing is good. But something I would encourage you to do before you start talking to new people is to expose yourself to different things...things that are the total opposite of what you like. For instance if you like a hot rod magazine, pick up a science magazine or a beauty and fashion magazine instead, read the articles and take note of something new you've learn that actually interest you, and you may run into someone who's into science or beauty and fashion, and now both of you have more to talk about. Or, if you like pop or rock music, why don't you get a hip-hop or country music cd just for the heck of it, listen to it, and if you run up on someone who like those things, you have something to talk about with them. Be willing to expose yourself to new things. We often judge the very things we don't have alot knowledge about.

[jessicakicksbut]

Everyone is different, and that is the great thing about people. But, take a person who you think is totally opposite of you, and guarantee, they will have something in common with you. Whether it be musical interests, same beliefs, drive the same type of car, like the same type of food, or even like the same color, there is always something in common to find. There is no need to conform though...that is the beauty of the human race afterall. Even if you do not have the same interests or beliefs, at least lend a listening ear...you may learn something, or you can at least start an interesting debate.