He is my Best Friend, but.......

[totallyhooked]

As the title suggests, with the but being I have a major crush on him :-(

 

I have a friend, I would class him as a best friend, he knows me better than anyone else.

 

We talk every day, he calls during the day, he texts in the morning, we IM, we Facebook, we speak to each other every night. He says I am wonderful, he says I am Hot, he says he can trust me.

 

History:

 

Met online 6 months ago, starting talking via a website, then progressed a month later to phone calls. We, at the time, were going through major marriage hassles with our respective Marriages. I am now divorced, have been for around 4 months. He is currently separated.

 

We have met up a few times, every time just fantastic. First few times we call dates, then we slept together, he backed off big time, said he needed to try to see if he had a chance with his marriage, things haven't worked out. We continued to talk every day, with the relationship defined as best mates. Only a few hours after he backed off, he called wanting advice on what to do about his M.

 

We didn't see each other for around 6 weeks, I had two 24 hour periods where I tried to cut contact, but I just couldn't cope, and so got back in touch.

 

He said he needs me, I have kept him grounded for the last 6 months, he wouldn't have got through it without me. I feel the same about him, but I think mine goes much deeper.

 

We have the same likes, dislikes, tastes in music, beliefs and can talk about everything and nothing for hours, sometimes we are on the phone, and their is silence, we are just watching tv, reading stuff online, and we just don't need to talk.

 

When we meet, we have dinner, we find somewhere comfy, we sit close, talking or not, just close, hugging, we walk, hold hands, talk, hug, inevitably it always leads to more, stroking, kissing, hair rubbing, sometimes very sexual etc.

 

This week, he drove from his place to mine late at night to give me some christmas presents. He missed the post, and wanted to give me them. I had brought him a christmas gift a week or two earlier, he said he was chuffed.

 

We get flirty, we talk flirty, then we back off. He says I am his best mate, a true friend.

 

He invited me to his place to stay next year! (Sounds a long way away, tis only a few weeks!) We made plans to spend a day waterski-ing. We are going to see a concert together in March in my home town.

 

So what may you ask is my problem? I get mixed signals I think. He talks about talking to other women, and I get real jealous, but I don't say nothing, but it hurts like crazy. He went on a date with another woman, but he insists nothing happened even though she wanted to have sex with him, on a FWB type basis. He told her he wasn't ready for that, and yet when we meet it's full on.

 

If I pluck up courage to tell him how I really feel, I might scare him off and lose a wonderful friend and supporter, but I don't think I can cope much longer. I really really want to see where it goes, to spend time with him, we know each other so well, have a great time in each others company, but he insists we are friends.

 

If anyone has any advice for me on what to do, I would be very grateful.

 

If I should just go slow and see what happens, then I will do that, but I'm not hanging around forever, waiting to see if he says he really does like me and would like something more. But part of me is already doing that, and I recognise that this isn't a good situation to be in. I'm denying my feelings, and it sucks :-(

[Vesaras]

I think you just need to decide if it's worth the risk. I can't say I have tons of life experience, but I'm also in a situation where I'm driving myself nuts over a friend I've developed feelings for. It's like, you're afraid of losing the person, but it's killing you to keep it bottled up. Here are some options I've been thinking up, but it may be different for you.

 

1. You be honest with him. Tell him how you feel. Unfortunately, it carries it's risks.

2. You try to move on. It may be difficult, but if you aren't willing to risk losing a friend, it's best to move on.

 

I hope things work out for you, just remember, you aren't alone in this situation. A lot of people, myself included, are in the very similar predicaments. Good luck.

[dunstable]

It's difficult, isn't it? You have had shared a wonderful past but that doesn't mean you will necessarily share a wonderful future. It's odd that he would have dated someone else - unless the date was arranged before you and he became intimate. If that's the case, he should be telling you that he's not setting up any more dates. If he wants to see you and other women at the same time, then what you have is a non-exclusive relationship. Under special circumstances, you might be OK with that. For example, in a long-distance relationship, you might both want other people for sexual outlet while preserving the primacy of your relationship. But if there are no such special circumstances it seems odd that he would be dating others while you are committed to him alone.

[totallyhooked]

I think you just need to decide if it's worth the risk. I can't say I have tons of life experience, but I'm also in a situation where I'm driving myself nuts over a friend I've developed feelings for. It's like, you're afraid of losing the person, but it's killing you to keep it bottled up. Here are some options I've been thinking up, but it may be different for you.

 

1. You be honest with him. Tell him how you feel. Unfortunately, it carries it's risks.

2. You try to move on. It may be difficult, but if you aren't willing to risk losing a friend, it's best to move on.

 

I hope things work out for you, just remember, you aren't alone in this situation. A lot of people, myself included, are in the very similar predicaments. Good luck.

 

Thanks Vesaras for the reply.

 

I thought about telling him, but I lost my bottle, or rather he was saying things that made me upset, and I don't think he even realised I was upset/crushed. Will explain more below in the other response.

 

I feel very alone sometimes, I have no-one to talk to about this, and my best friend is him. It just wears heavy on me. Somedays I'm ok, others I have a heavy heart.

 

Thansk again.

[totallyhooked]

It's difficult, isn't it? You have had shared a wonderful past but that doesn't mean you will necessarily share a wonderful future. It's odd that he would have dated someone else - unless the date was arranged before you and he became intimate. If that's the case, he should be telling you that he's not setting up any more dates. If he wants to see you and other women at the same time, then what you have is a non-exclusive relationship. Under special circumstances, you might be OK with that. For example, in a long-distance relationship, you might both want other people for sexual outlet while preserving the primacy of your relationship. But if there are no such special circumstances it seems odd that he would be dating others while you are committed to him alone.

 

Dunstable, thanks for the post.

 

He said he met this woman for dinner, I read that as a date. He told me she asked for sex with him, for her to be a FWB and he said he wasn't interested in that. They still talk and have met up since for dinner and in a group setting. The "date" was set after he backed off from us being together.

 

I wouldn't preceive us as having a relationship. We are best friends. That is how he defines it, and I agree. He is my best friend. I used to tell him everything, but now I am not forthcoming with my true feelings, and I feel bad at not being able to tell him. I feel like I am deceiving him. We always spoke about the fact we could be totally honest with each other, now I feel I'm being untruthful or decietful to me and him.

 

He was talking a few days ago about some flirting program, and making friends with new women online, which makes no odds to me. But I was getting upset when he was talking about one or two that he was really interested in, and I had to say something.

 

I have boundaries, and to protect myself I don't wish to hear about how he could meet up with these other women, and how much he finds them attractive, because at the place I am at with him, I find it hurts me. I get very upset.

 

So yesterday we spoke about this, and I said that if he wants to meet a woman for sex not to tell me, but to let me know afterwards that he has done, and if he starts seeing someone then to also tell me. He said he would, and seemed to appreciate the fact I told him. That to me this was a boundary and I felt uncomfortable talking about his own crushes with other women and potential sexual activity/relationships with others too.

 

Was I wrong? Who cares. I feel very upset when he talks about other women and liking them, so I choose to install a boundary.

 

We also spoke about about me and the possibility of a future relationship with anyone, I said no to all but if it was the right person, I would jump at the chance. I emphasised the "Right Person" and I think he understood I meant him. But who knows?

 

We spoke Christmas Night for 3 hours, we have spoken 3 or 4 times today. He said again I made him feel better, ground him. I take heart from those comments. Maybe I read too much into them.

 

I am not committed to him in a relationship sense. Other than if anyone else asked me out I would say no, if he asked I would say yes. I am only his friend. I would never entertain a non-exclusive relationship, I don't work that way.

 

I just can't bring myself to come out and say that I really like him, I worry I would lose my friend. :-(

 

How on earth do you move on from such a thing? This makes me getting over my marriage a walk in the park :-(

 

Thanks for the post.

[Vesaras]

Totally understand. Basically, you're bursting to say something, but the risk of losing your best friend is just something that you don't want to take. It's possible that he's telling you these things because he's trying to make you jealous...hey, it's been done. Anyhow, like I said before, it's all about whether you're willing to risk it. I feel like a friendship wont be broken just because of one or the other admitting his/her feelings for the other. It will probably go through an awkward stage or a time where it's a bit less comfortable, but it should bounce back after some time. That's really the only piece of encouragement I'm able to give. Wish I could help more.

[totallyhooked]

Totally understand. Basically, you're bursting to say something, but the risk of losing your best friend is just something that you don't want to take. It's possible that he's telling you these things because he's trying to make you jealous...hey, it's been done. Anyhow, like I said before, it's all about whether you're willing to risk it. I feel like a friendship wont be broken just because of one or the other admitting his/her feelings for the other. It will probably go through an awkward stage or a time where it's a bit less comfortable, but it should bounce back after some time. That's really the only piece of encouragement I'm able to give. Wish I could help more.

 

I am bursting to say something, but for the next few days I'll hold back. I need time to think about this.

 

I hadn't thought of it as him trying to make me feel jealous, and if that was what he was doing, well it worked!!!

 

I hope to god the friendship wouldn't be broken, yes it would be uncomfortable, but when he backed off before, he called every day since then anyway. I take heart from that, I would still talk to him, of course I would, the terms would be different though, and I would not speak to him as much as we do now, I think it would be too painful at first, in fact I would have to have a no contact period in order to process. But I'm sure we could ease back into a friendship after some time has passed for me to get over him. He is someone who I do value as a friend.

 

If that is the way it ends up, just friends, then so be it. I just want to tell him, and know the score to prevent years of heartache on my part.

 

Thanks again.

[Vesaras]

The friendship shouldn't break as long as you two make the effort to keep it alive. Sure it would be different for a time, but after a while, it should mend itself to the way it was. With love there's risks of pain. Nothing you can do about that, but it's a whole lot better to open up, because the heartache could be worse than the pain of rejection. This is assuming the feelings aren't mutual. If they are, well, you've just reached a paradise of sorts no?

[totallyhooked]

The friendship shouldn't break as long as you two make the effort to keep it alive. Sure it would be different for a time, but after a while, it should mend itself to the way it was. With love there's risks of pain. Nothing you can do about that, but it's a whole lot better to open up, because the heartache could be worse than the pain of rejection. This is assuming the feelings aren't mutual. If they are, well, you've just reached a paradise of sorts no?

 

I can say that I love him enough to let him go if he was not wanting a relationship with me. I'm an adult, well I hope so

 

I wish him only happiness and the best that life has to offer, and if that doesn't include me in a romantic sense, then at least I know.

 

He would always be a friend, no matter what, I would always offer my support, its unconditional in my eyes. I said I would stick around as his friend after he backed off, and I have. I see him for what he is, a kind, strong, caring, empathetic, validating, considerate, respectful and loving individual. He has his flaws, I do too. I see those, I don't have blinkers on!

 

I just remembered, a few days ago, he described me in words: Beautiful, Fantastic, Smart, Caring, Considerate, Giving, Gorgeous, Loving, Supportive and Wonderful. I think that is why I get mixed messages. I tell him whatever when he says these things to me as well, I try not to believe them, because to me why would you describe someone like that who you only want to be friends with???

 

I say Whatever, he says he don't tell me enough.

 

I have I think a severe case of overthinking and over analyzing

 

A paradise, to me, is one where my best friend who is also my lover and my partner is with me to share in my life and compliment it. One day I hope to find my paradise.

[Vesaras]

Sounds like you have your answer already. Good luck.

[totallyhooked]

Sounds like you have your answer already. Good luck.

 

I just don't know whether to do it. Fear plays a massive role in this.

 

I just feel like running to be honest. I can't even bring myself to talk to him tonight. I have cried off, I didn't sleep much to be honest, so am going to bed for some well earned sleep.

 

We had a talk this morning, didn't go well. I so much wanted to say, but I just got upset and couldn't say what I felt. I don't think he wanted to hear it.

 

Anyway, advise on getting over someone and moving on would be very much appreciated. I'll still be his friend, but just on my terms, he gets plenty from me, calls every day, for hours. IM's, FB etc. I give him a lot of time, my time. I think right now I just want to look after me and see what happens with the friendship. I just can't talk to him at the moment, and knowing that we will probably never be together as a couple, justs hurts real bad.

 

Thanks for your help.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I just don't know whether to do it. Fear plays a massive role in this.

 

I just feel like running to be honest. I can't even bring myself to talk to him tonight. I have cried off, I didn't sleep much to be honest, so am going to bed for some well earned sleep.

 

We had a talk this morning, didn't go well. I so much wanted to say, but I just got upset and couldn't say what I felt. I don't think he wanted to hear it.

 

Anyway, advise on getting over someone and moving on would be very much appreciated. I'll still be his friend, but just on my terms, he gets plenty from me, calls every day, for hours. IM's, FB etc. I give him a lot of time, my time. I think right now I just want to look after me and see what happens with the friendship. I just can't talk to him at the moment, and knowing that we will probably never be together as a couple, justs hurts real bad.

 

Thanks for your help.

 

Why dont you just write him a letter. Maybe he could reciprocate those feelings, if he doesnt then you move on and just be friends with him, maybe it isnt the right time for him to be with you.

 

Things might happen later on in the future when you both grow up.

 

Good luck and dont give up.

[totallyhooked]

ok so I told him.

 

I said I had feelings for him, he didn't hear me.

 

A couple of days later, he is still hitting me with talk of other women, moving on with them "I really like this girl" talk, saying she is amazing.

 

We spoke, and I said it was hard for me to hear,because I has strong feeling for him that went further than being just a friend.

 

He said he had no idea, that I was 99% perfect, but that 1% was missing. He said I would always be his best mate, friends forever but no more from him. He said this new woman, even though he only spoke to her for an hour and a half on the phone, and had been IM'ing with her for a week, was amazing, had everything he wanted in a woman, perfect smile, attitude etc.

 

So I asked what on earth he thought I was doing having sex with him, meeting with him and performing sex acts, telling him he was hot, etc. He said he didn't know how to respond. He said it was a "Just in the heat of the moment" type thing.

 

He invited me and my kids to his place for a holiday, then tells me he was sorry he did that because he had no idea of my feelings for him, and I was putting 2 and 2 together and making 5. It was an offer of a break for me and my kids, and that we could spend time together as friends, enjoy each others company as we were no longer married and had no-one to go with.

 

I'm glad I know, heartbroken that I know too.

 

He still wants to be friends, he still calls, IM's etc. I'm his support for getting him through his marriage break up.

 

I'm feeling lots of things, and as a people pleaser they go against the grain, but I was I was a complete bitch and could tell him to go forth and multiply.

 

Any advice gratefully received on how to get over my crush for my best mate?

Edited January 4, 2008 by totallyhooked
Grammar

[OldEurope]

Hi TH,

 

I went through something exactly like this (minus kids then involved or a recent divorce on his end) once, and I would advise you to go away and stay away.

 

You cannot go from friends to romantic interest back to friends. It just does not work, your self esteem will suffer, you will pine for him, and when he mentions a new woman you will flip out. These are just defeating, unhealthy situations.

 

While the man in question with whom I was best friends was many, many things to me and attractive and serious on many levels, what you describe here in your post was something of my own problem. On top of which, it was all highly confusing for other reasons: He would pursue me after months and (at one point) years of silence (I was a correspondent and all over the place). He would call and call and write mile long emails, so very involved, so very interested, we would meet, have an equally intense time, defined as friendship, it was then sexual, and continued to be so nice, and then one day suddenly....ah ha , he was cold, detached.

 

Such was also, it had been noted by friends, his on-again off-again personality in general. Something to watch out for.

 

This not only made "friendship" rocky but given that there had been clear, intense attraction (his words) expressed through the added sexual dimension made things...confusing. I pined for him eventually, told him my true feelings (which I was so sure had been his) and the friendship ended. My choice. I just said it like that, during an exchange of emails when I expressed my feelings, and that was that. He just did not, he wrote, "feel the same"--and I accepted that, although, my word, you would have thought the opposite had you played fly on the wall...It ended for the better. He tried contact months later and I did not respond. I did not like and do not like "shades of gray".

 

He was in addition single and not seeing anyone when this friendship-breakup of ours took place.

 

I eventually married someone so totally the mountain summitt and northstar of my expectations that I felt "things happen for a reason". They truly do. He is as well my best friend and passionate partner. So do not give up, ever.

 

xo

OE

Edited January 5, 2008 by OldEurope

[blind_otter]

Concentrate on the fact that he said he would never be with you and accept it. I would recommend NOT continuing a friendship with him - it would be torture for you, and would probably send your self-esteem down the toilet and sabotage any potential future relationships. I had a male friend who constantly tried to sabotage my relationships. I had to end the friendship.

[Trialbyfire]

totallyhooked, a friendship with the way you feel about him, isn't a good idea. You're only hurting yourself, in that you have strong feelings for him. Also, you're at one of your most vulnerable times, a few months post divorce. It's better for you to put some distance between the two of you, so you can learn to be happy by yourself.

 

The other aspect is, what kind of friendship would this be? He needs you for support but is unable to provide you with what you need. Looks kind of one way to me.

[hope1975]

I recently told a good friend of mine that I'd had feelings for him for the past year or 2. My crush has now subsided which made it easier to tell him, but it was still kinda embarrasing. He accepted it really well, and I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my chest.

 

I think it depends alot on what sort of guy your friend is. Is he compassionate & understanding? If he is, it's probably a good idea to tell him for your own peace of mind.

 

We only regret the chances we don't take. Just make sure your prepared for his reacton either way.

 

Good luck!

[a_torn_novagirl]

You're his rock, and he knows that he can depend on you so he classifies you as his best friend. He may want to be with you, but for now he's testing out the waters. He's going through a divorce right now, and he wants to feel how it is to be single once again (like they can never forget). Sooner or later he's going to come to his sinces, and make you a happy women. Until then, go out and have fun with your friends, and start to date aswell. Don't just date to make him jealous, do it for you, and show him that you're ready for a commitment. When he starts to notice that your going out a lot, he'll be ready to rescue you and sweep you off your feet.

 

If you do decided to tell him how you feel, make sure you're ready for anything. He can tell you that he feels the same way, or he can give you the cold shoulder. Don't expect to much, because you're feelings are the one on the line not his.

[totallyhooked]

Concentrate on the fact that he said he would never be with you and accept it. I would recommend NOT continuing a friendship with him - it would be torture for you, and would probably send your self-esteem down the toilet and sabotage any potential future relationships. I had a male friend who constantly tried to sabotage my relationships. I had to end the friendship.

 

Hmmm good comment, I'm in this limbo at the moment of ending the friendship or just backing off so far I've gone dark.

 

I do have other male friends, some online buddies, some I meet with, and he does say some things, makes comments about their names etc.

 

I dunno, I'm getting advice from my friends, and they basically suggest he has some serious issues and that I should cut him loose.

 

Very hard, I feel bad about doing so, I'm not quite at that accepting phase

[totallyhooked]

totallyhooked, a friendship with the way you feel about him, isn't a good idea. You're only hurting yourself, in that you have strong feelings for him. Also, you're at one of your most vulnerable times, a few months post divorce. It's better for you to put some distance between the two of you, so you can learn to be happy by yourself.

 

The other aspect is, what kind of friendship would this be? He needs you for support but is unable to provide you with what you need. Looks kind of one way to me.

 

We spoke on the phone the other night, 4 hours listening to him vent about his stbxw. Man I was tired.

 

He leads me into unhealthy behaviour, unheathly for me I mean. I can't be his sounding board at the time, but I can help when it's genuinely needed.

 

I said to him you just call me to vent, I said our calls are not fun no more, he said well you understand me. Then he said he had other friends who cheer him up, online girlfriends who cheer him up. I thought WTF?

 

It is one way, I get nothing that I want. He gets a sounding bag.

 

Great Deal. Not.

[totallyhooked]

You're his rock, and he knows that he can depend on you so he classifies you as his best friend. He may want to be with you, but for now he's testing out the waters. He's going through a divorce right now, and he wants to feel how it is to be single once again (like they can never forget). Sooner or later he's going to come to his sinces, and make you a happy women. Until then, go out and have fun with your friends, and start to date aswell. Don't just date to make him jealous, do it for you, and show him that you're ready for a commitment. When he starts to notice that your going out a lot, he'll be ready to rescue you and sweep you off your feet.

 

If you do decided to tell him how you feel, make sure you're ready for anything. He can tell you that he feels the same way, or he can give you the cold shoulder. Don't expect to much, because you're feelings are the one on the line not his.

 

There is something about this post I just don't like.

 

I'm not waiting for him to come to his senses, his chance has been given, he blew it, he said no. I'm not 2nd best.

 

I have a quote I like: If I ain't worth the wooing, I am surely not worth the winning.

 

I sure do not need rescuing either, and I can't believe their are women out there who think that that is what they want, what they aspire to.

 

He used to make the effort, when he wanted something, that's why I thought he was genuine. He used to insist he was considerate, nice to women. I heard him talk recently about pictures of women online, crikey he is very judgemental, he collects them when he needs a boost, drops them or blocks them when they get to freaky for him.

 

I know cutting off time is coming, I'm building up to it. I always said I would be around to support him, be his mate, but the circumstances at the moment are hurting me. He isn't the one, I still dream about him, course I do, but I'm slowly coming to terms that he isn't the one, it seems to be taking a lt of time.

 

 

So how do i do this? Cut ties dead, or slowly back away?

 

I'm already limiting contact, not available in the evenings for him. Daytime calls only when I am free. To be honest he seems pissy, but I say I was with my boy, or doing something. I don't mind making time for him, but when I am ready. There is no flirting, at my insistence, no talking about how hot we are, nothing, its purely friendship.

 

Sounds harsh, but right now I have this "get more from me if you give it out" attitude, and he ain't giving me none.

 

Thanks for all the replies. The addiction to him is very sllloowwwwllyyy wearing off, he got me through a bad patch in my life, I am grateful for his help, but I'm worried about cutting him off and having him feel bad, but angry at myself for allowing the situation to continue for so long.