tired of feeling crap

[Bogun]

I wasnt sure where to post this as it probably fits into several categories...part confession, part seeking help, partly wanting to let things out.

 

Does anyone else feel like they havent felt really happy for an extended period for a long time? I mean there have been plenty of times over the last 3 years where I've been temporarily happy but it hasnt lasted. The last 3 years have generally been full of dissappointments and getting hurt. 2005 brought me to this site after a girlfriend broke up with me and a lot of things related to her problems with dealing with a rape came out over that time. That year just felt like I was under a black cloud the whole time, and I felt so lonely as I'd turned my back on my friends and social life while with that girl. 2006 started well and I felt like I was getting my life back on track then someone I thought was a friend lied about me at college and got me into trouble with the administration. It took a year to clear my name and my results suffered. I'd placed so much importance on my academic results and I'd worked so hard for the previous 3 years and it felt like it was all ruined by what happened in 2006. I felt like a dissappointment to my teachers and felt ashamed everytime I saw my thesis supevisor. I'd go drinking in between classes and ended up using drugs as I felt so crap, I dont think I cared whether I lived or died. At the same time as this I failed to get into any of the grad programs in the industry I'd worked so hard to get into, so I felt like a complete failure and could only find relief in alcohol and drugs. At the end of last year I got to know a girl at university that I'd seen around campus in previous years. She seemed really happy to talk to me and I felt like there was a connection there with her. I wanted to ask her out but felt so crap about my life that I just wanted to run away over seas for awhile and get trashed in bars and clubs....which is what I did. I thought I wouldnt hear from her again, but while I was away got an email from her wishing me a safe trip. I was thrilled to hear from her and suggested we catch up when I got back.

 

I came back at the start of this year and started a good job, but its not where I want to be and its not the challenge that I need so I've struggled all year with feeling depressed about where my career has gone. I also met up with that girl for dinner and she seemed really happy to see me. For the rest of this year I've struggled to understand how she felt about me, as we've had dinner together countless times, gone to bars together, I feel like I know her really well and have loved every minute I've spent with her...... until I finally told her recently that I wanted to go on a date with her. She said she doesnt want to be in a relationship right now, which probably just means she doesnt want to be in a relationship with me, but felt bad about saying that. She said she wants to stay friends but I said I cant anymore, not when I want to be more than friends. I feel awful now. I really thought there was a connection there with her, and in a way felt like I was meant to meet her. But she didnt even wish me well for the future, and I wasnt angry with her when I said I couldnt stay friends with her. So now it feels like she doesnt care that she wont hear from me again, and I wonder how I could get it so wrong with someone. I'm doing the no contact thing now, partly to get on with my life, but in a small way partly to see if she will come after me, as I was so certain that there was something between us.

 

I know my life is not all bad though. I've got friends and somewhat of a social life again, and I know there are friends I could go to that would help if I asked (even though I wont), but people dont want to hear about this kind of crap which is why I'm posting here. To anyone that has taken the time to read this far and offer some thoughts, its appreciated.

[Bentodd]

Hey man loosing some one you were dating is one of the worst things that can happen to any one. You lost your best friend and it's a simular feeling to having some one close to you die.

 

Life isn't easy for anyone. If it was easy it would be boring. Its not a matter of stuff not sucking its a matter of what you do when you do get hit by punches. The way I look at it is you have 2 options right now. You can sit there and be sad with yourself or you can get out there and truly believe you can make things better. AND YOU CAN

 

pick your chin up and stop being so sad your life isn't as bad as you think

there are always things to complain about, but there is also always something to appreciate.. Think about how lucky we are in comparison to the world to even have a computer to be typing on? We get to wipe away our hunger every day when we eat. The sun comes up every day to keep us warm. Your fine my friend.

 

O and on that girl you were dating, do you really not want to be friends with her just because she didn't say she wanted to date you?

[blind_otter]

I felt very low for a long time. Come to find out I was suffering from depression. When one thing after another hits you, and using alcohol and drugs to cope on top of that....well that is a recipie for depression, dude.

 

It might do you some good to talk to a professional about this. Just a thought. Sometimes when we try to figure our own way out of a tough spot we can think in circles and never make any progress. Having a clear outside perspective to help guide your thoughts and processing in a certain direction can really make a lot of difference.

 

I finally started longterm therapy over a year ago and I am finally happy. There is hope. YOu just have to make the decision to work to get there.