Impossible sister

[sarah419]

Hope someone can offer me some advice on this. My sister (19) treats my whole family like sh**. Very cold, very uninterested in spending time with any of us and always complaining about how she she needs a new car ( my parents paid fully for the 2004 Nissan she drives now) how she should be in college (she skipped her S.A.T'S and is always too tired to set up a new date) We all do nothing but try and make her happy and we just get attitude or silence. About 6 months ago she brought home a new bf. She goes through guys like shoes. This time however she is LOUDLY sleeping with this guy. The second time my parents said he shouldn't be coming over (his parents have them out by 9) After awhile my mother "felt bad" and lets him come over. Every time he does I hear them. To give you an idea how ridiculous it is I put headphones on to avoid it and my bed shakes!!!! Finally tonight I had enough. I try to leave my parents out of it. I don't want to start a war but I called her into my room so I could tell her to please knock it off. Here is what I got I am a "weirdo who listens for it," I am "unhappy and want her to be unhappy too", she hates me, "fu** you".

I am so sick of treating her so good and being treated like crap. Now on top of that I have to listen to this everytime he comes over? I love my sister I really do but I am at my wits end. Her attitude is so bad and she has zero respect for anyone except her bf who is the center of her world. She never wants to talk, when I try she rolls her eyes and says "I don't want to talk about this" or something like that. Any advice on how I should handle this? I am sick of having all this animosity but also tired of just looking the other way constantly. Any help please?

Edited December 25, 2007 by sarah419

[Zona76]

Hate to tell you, but the more she gets away with the more she'll take. AND likewise the more they'll give. Are you younger? If not, are you also living at home? Maybe it's best you move out and put distance between the situation.

Have a sit down with your folks and let them know how much you love them but cannot sit and watch the disrespect and way your sibling is treating the people you love most in the world.

Advise your folks they will likely have to support the kid, if and when she becomes pregnant.

But YOU'RE done watching their pain.

[Geishawhelk]

Zona's quite right - It's a bit of a clich-e, (lack of accents on letters....) but:

We teach people how to treat us, and the only reason she gets away with it is because people have let her do so.

I think talking to your parents about it is a good idea, because much as they might agree with you, they may be of a different opinion on how to handle it. They might not know HOW to.... From a different generation, they might be intimidated and completely clueless now that they appear to have raised a child who is ruling them, and not vice-versa... they might be perplexed and in a quandary.

But they still might not wish to rock the boat.

In which case, you have to decide what to do, for yourself, and keep them informed.

For example (and it is just an example, not a suggestion, ok?)

"Mum, dad, I know xxxx is driving me mad right now, and my opinion of her is that.....

So I suggest we put on a united front and tell her it is both intolerable and unacceptable. Her behaviour and attitude has to change drastically.

If we can't do this, and you don't feel able to go through with it, then I intend to do something myself.

But I don't expect you to either make excuses for me to her, to justify me to her, or to even agree with what I'm going to do. But I for one have had it up to here (appropriate gesture) and just don't feel I should put up with it any more. I am your child as well, I would never dream of disrespecting you in the way I feel she has done, and I would expect you to put me in my place if I did. To my mind, she's overstepping the line, and whilst I respect your decision in this, please respect mine also. I'm not asking you to take my side over hers - though I would suggest it might be wise, in this case - but I'm done with her. Until she can begin to act like a decent human being instead of a prima-donna small petulant child - I'm ignoring her completely, and turning my back on her. She's not getting another word or look from me, from now on. She is getting the cold-shoulder form me, big time, and no mistake about it."

 

This part is extremely difficult to do, and to follow through on. It's one of the hardest things, to neither respond or re-act, and not take the bait.

But - Trust me - it can be done. And, through perseverance and determination, I have found it to work.

 

For Example......

Edited December 25, 2007 by Geishawhelk

[JHS]

Sarah, I feel for you. As for the boyfriend and the sleeping w/ your sister, I think this is a little weird and definitely offensive, but clearly your sister and parents do not, so you are in a sense, the oddball here. (They may be exhibitionists of sorts, enjoying knowing that people hear them having sex.) Your values are different than theirs (again, I would have the same reaction you are having). It is hard to imagine people not caring about this behavior but clearly your sister, her boyfriend AND your parents do not so I think you will have to accept this. I think you should involve your parents but along the lines of telling your parents that this behavior offends you and you want their opinion. The problem that is tough for parents is having to choose between one sibling versus the other. If you force them to do that, you could lose solely based on them just not liking being backed in a corner.

 

It sounds like your sister is suffering from Center of the Universe Syndrome. This may seem overly simple but it may have some benefit to you: Write your sister a letter - not an e-mail or text - but a letter and let her know how you feel. Do a draft and then wait a day and edit it. Don't do it when you are angry or venting because you do not want to be in attack-mode when you write this. But let her know how you feel - it will be up to her to ignore it or respond. At least that way you can say way back when you tried to say something.

 

I wonder if everyone else (i.e., her, the BF, them, anyone else there) agrees that she is treating everyone like crap. You view it that way, but maybe your parents just don't see it the same way. It sounds like they don't and certainly don't seem to care that much about it. Maybe you should move out? (Harsh, but sometimes to keep your own sanity).

 

I can relate because I have an older brother who I feel has done some similar things in that he has completely taken advantage of my parents. I have a lot of resentment over this but I have come to find out that my parents really don't care that much at all. It's really pathetic because they view him more as a person who is borderline mentally ill and just don't want to make waves.

Edited December 28, 2007 by JHS

[JHS]

I'm not asking you to take my side over hers - though I would suggest it might be wise, in this case - but I'm done with her. Until she can begin to act like a decent human being instead of a prima-donna small petulant child - I'm ignoring her completely, and turning my back on her. She's not getting another word or look from me, from now on. She is getting the cold-shoulder form me, big time, and no mistake about it."

 

This part is extremely difficult to do, and to follow through on. It's one of the hardest things, to neither respond or re-act, and not take the bait.

But - Trust me - it can be done. And, through perseverance and determination, I have found it to work.

 

For Example......

 

I am not sure what was going to follow this, but with all due respect, the cold shoulder works only where the 'shoulderee' is a reasonably sane, communicative human. I doubt her sister would have any positive reaction to this at all. In fact, she would interpret as further evidence that our friend Sarah is for some reason angry, bitter, resentful, etc. and further it would give the sis a reason to not have to confront her own shortcomings. To further my comment about my brother (see my above post), I have given my brother the 'cold shoulder' for well over 10 years. It has done nothing. Nothing visible, anyway, other than have him, from his quite self-righteous perspective, say that I am wronging him.

[Geishawhelk]

Yes, now that you mention it, I think you're probably right....

It takes a cognisant menatlity, with a consciencve, to respond in a constructive way....

I take your point.

If sister isn't responding in other ways, I agree, it's unlikely that she'll come forward and respond positively to this.

 

Point taken, thanks for that.

[JHS]

Yes, now that you mention it, I think you're probably right....

It takes a cognisant menatlity, with a consciencve, to respond in a constructive way....

I take your point.

If sister isn't responding in other ways, I agree, it's unlikely that she'll come forward and respond positively to this.

 

Point taken, thanks for that.

 

More than welcome - clearly you are a reasonably sane, communicative human!

[Geishawhelk]

Maybe...but I really should proof-read....!!

[JHS]

Funny, Miss Sarah has posted this topic twice and has never responded or otherwise acknowledged that she has read our replies. Odd.

[Geishawhelk]

....yes...on two different fora..... I find this odd also. I think it might be an appropriate thing to not spend more time on this until we get feedback..... otherwise our words will be as miniscule pieces of chaff borne upon the autumn winds.....

[JHS]

....yes...on two different fora..... I find this odd also. I think it might be an appropriate thing to not spend more time on this until we get feedback..... otherwise our words will be as miniscule pieces of chaff borne upon the autumn winds.....

 

Indeed. Or as my professor used to say "Like spitting in the ocean..." (which is not wholly applicable but worth repeating none-the-less). Have a nice weekend.

[SeraBella]

It sounds like your parents have never demanded respect from her.

 

My father is somewhat old-fashioned, but I've NEVER been allowed to have a guy sleep with me at my parents home. If a boyfriend of mine was spending the night, it was in a different bedroom, in a different bed, and if we snuck around into each other's rooms and my father found out...well, I don't know what he would have done, because I respected him too much to ever want to find out.

 

I realize my father may be more strict than a lot of parents, but it's his household and he makes the rules.

 

Your sister is showing no respect for your parents or family, but I doubt she's ever had to her entire life.

 

It sounds like she respects her boyfriends family by leaving by 9 more than your parents.

 

I don't think there is much that you can do, but i think there is a lot your parents need to do.

[devil123]

heck, no offense but you mum and dad really are soft hearted. how could they had a total stranger living under their roof????!!! my sister use to be a whole lot of sh** when she's at home(before she went to colledge). she keeps on arguing with my family everyday and evernight. your situation is very similar to mine and i suggest you to tell your parents to tell that guy to leave the house straight away... no offeense tho...