slightly concerned with my girlfriends weight

[thepulse27]

my girlfriend is 20 and we have been going out for nearly 2 years now. i am completely in love with her and that isnt likely to change anytime soon. however, i am worried about becoming less attracted to her.

when we met she was in incredible shape, working out all the time, eating fairly healthily but not ridiculously so for a young girl enjoying her time at college. but in the past year or so she has almost completely stopped doing any excercise, and is also snacking a lot more. she is not really fat, but she has put a lot of weight on. i still think she is beautiful but i cant deny that i dont find her as attractive as i used to.

i am very wary about bringing it up with her as she is really funny about discussing the way she looks. all her previous boyfriends were *******s, and i treat her incredibly well and i dont want that to change. but this is really starting to bother me so i need to find a way of talking about it without upsetting her to much.

we have a long distance relationship so i understand that stress may be a factor, but i am under the same conditions and keep myself in very good shape.

i am not a pig and never want to act like she should get in shape just because i say so, but i cany help the way i have begun to feel.

any advice on this would really be appreciated.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Well it could be one of two things or maybe a combo of bouth! Maybe since your such a nice guy she thinks she has it made and you wouldent break up with her. And from the tone of your post that sounds about right so she thinks she can let herself go a little and relax! Also she may very well be depressed long distance relashionships are very hard in the long run espicaly being so young. And thats prob on her mind she may be eateing more and doing less purely out of depreshion. I would talk to her about things in a nice manner and not bring up the weight thing. Untill you find out whats really brothering her. If you can make her feel better she may just come around to her old self. But if that dosent work after a few honest attempts on your end then you may want to consider ending the relashionship. Because there is no point in you bouth being unhappy and I know you say it dosen't bother you that much and its not that much of a issue. But I tend to disagree if it wasent you wouldent have asked the question here in the 1st place no?

[SpanksTheMonkey]

.

i am not a pig and never want to act like she should get in shape just because i say so, but i cany help the way i have begun to feel.

any advice on this would really be appreciated.

No your not a pig your human I don't get why some people feel bad if they are not attracted to how some one looks. I've seen this a few times now I guess its cause there overly nice. But honestly ganing weight and being overweight just isent attractive to some and thats not a crime! Its all about personal taste in dateing no? Nothing to be ashamed of to say your bf gf is becomming unattractive to you I think anyways. Guess I'm just surprised how its almost a tabo or sin to say so anymore

[SpanksTheMonkey]

.

i am not a pig and never want to act like she should get in shape just because i say so, but i cany help the way i have begun to feel.

any advice on this would really be appreciated.

No your not a pig your human I don't get why some people feel bad if they are not attracted to how some one looks. I've seen this a few times now I guess its cause there overly nice. But honestly ganing weight and being overweight just isent attractive to some and thats not a crime! Its all about personal taste in dateing no? Nothing to be ashamed of to say your bf gf is becomming unattractive to you I think anyways. Guess I'm just surprised how its almost a tabo or sin to say so anymore

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Opps sorry some how I posted that twice.

[thepulse27]

thanks for that Spanks, getting it off my chest and hearing someone else tell me im not evil for thinking it definately helps.

looking at our relationship ive realised the only way to handle this is to be honest. i plan to tell her that this isnt a threat, im not going to stop loving her, but i thought she was incredible the way she used to look.

id love to hear how you girls would feel about that and anything you would change so i dont upset her more than i absolutely have to (this would defeat the purpose and just make her angry at me, and less likely to change)

[norajane]

Perhaps one day when you're on the phone, you could talk about something that you're doing in the gym - like, wow, today I bench pressed 5 billion pounds for the first time! Or - I tried the elliptical machine for the first time and it kicked my ass!

 

And then ask her something about her workouts, like - hey, are you still taking kickboxing class? have you ever tried weight lifting?

 

Something along those lines. She'll probably tell you she's stopped working out or hasn't gone to the gym in a long time, and might even mention she's been gaining weight. Then you can ask her why she's stopped, or what's going on with her that's causing her to gain weight, etc.

[Florida]

pulse do you work out vigilantly?

 

Or did you stop working out too?

 

If you are not actively working out now, then I would suggest you do, because if she ses you are clearly surpassing her in fitness and being toned, it may make her uncomfortable enough on her own to then hit the gym to "keep up" with you.

 

Especially if she was the type to do it before you came along.

 

And what NJ said. It's odd for such a lifestyle shift without some underlying reason behind it.

[thepulse27]

pulse do you work out vigilantly?

 

yes, i make staying in shape quite a big part of my life. ive been traveling for the past 2 months so ive lost a bit of size and weight, but ive already started lifting to get the muscle back and in january the sports season restarts so il get the fitness back too. i enjoy getting fit and being fit, so i dont think thats the problem.

 

i think the lifestyle shift is whats confusing me. i accept that depression could be a factor, and she is busier than she was, though i think she uses this as an excuse rather than a genuine reason. as for letting herself go because she feels comfortable, is this likely? i have no experience with this so i really would like to know more about it. i cant understand if this is the case - i always told her how much i loved her body (amongst other things, im not that shallow) and she was really happy so i cant understand why she would change that. what do other people think of these or any other possible reasons for this change?

 

of course she knows shes changed but she still doesnt do anything about it. i know ive been quiet about this for too long and i need to be honest with her, i just need to make sure i do it in the right way. i will be seeing her in a couple of weeks and i this definately needs to be discussed face to face.

 

 

in anticipation of some of the replies im going to get (ive read the similar discussions):

1. no physical appearance isnt everything, but it is a big part of a relationship, its the first thing that attracts you to them. and however much you say its whats inside that counts, if you stop finding your partner attractive you have problems.

2. no i dont think as a girl she should do everything her man says. but i do believe in making sacrifices for the person you love, provided the changes dont make you unhappy, and we all know getting in shape makes you more happy, not less.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Your welcome pulse like I said if you make her feel better about herself then perhaps she will start feeling better about her body again. I wouldent mention the weight issue right away but try to find out whats behind it. If she may be depressed about things that can def cause weight gain. The weight is just a syptom of a deeper underlineing prob I would think. And if she is that upset your going right at her about it may just come off as you nagging or only careing about her looks. Which isent going to help in getting the ball rolling on makeing her feel better in all. Oh and I'm a over weight female by the way so I kinda have a bit of a insiders view on such things. Def talk to her and be as supportive as you can find that inner issue with out mentioning the weight right away and you may just start to see pos changes all around in the end. You sound like a genualy careing bf and I'm sure with some time you to can work thu this togher

[SpanksTheMonkey]

[ and she was really happy so i cant understand why she would change that. what do other people think of these or any other possible reasons for this change?

 

of course she knows shes changed but she still doesnt do anything about it. i know ive been quiet about this for too long and i need to be honest with her, i just need to make sure i do it in the right way. i will be seeing her in a couple of weeks and i this definately needs to be discussed face to face.

 

 

in anticipation of some of the replies im going to get (ive read the similar discussions):

1. no physical appearance isnt everything, but it is a big part of a relationship, its the first thing that attracts you to them. and however much you say its whats inside that counts, if you stop finding your partner attractive you have problems.

2. no i dont think as a girl she should do everything her man says. but i do believe in making sacrifices for the person you love, provided the changes dont make you unhappy, and we all know getting in shape makes you more happy, not less.

1. She has changed because she is no longer happy for what ever reason no one wakes up and says I'm going to just let myself get overweight with out there being some inner cause or turmoil. 2. I would be asking her why she seams diffrent lately and if shes feeling ok rather then jumping head in with the weight issue for now anyways. 3 just rember that makeing sacrifices goes bouth ways in good soild relashionships. And if she is a little larger then you personaly care for at the moment. Then you also should be understanding of that and tollerant to a degree long as shes willing to work on whats makeing her this way.

[OpenBook]

in anticipation of some of the replies im going to get (ive read the similar discussions):

1. no physical appearance isnt everything, but it is a big part of a relationship, its the first thing that attracts you to them. and however much you say its whats inside that counts, if you stop finding your partner attractive you have problems.

2. no i dont think as a girl she should do everything her man says. but i do believe in making sacrifices for the person you love, provided the changes dont make you unhappy, and we all know getting in shape makes you more happy, not less.

 

(sigh) pulse, you were probably referring to me when you were anticipating the responses. No matter how much I rail against the idea that it is mandatory for a woman to stay physically attractive in order to keep her marriage intact (but no such requirement is applied to the man), it is just the way it is. OK, I agree with you. I can't fight it anymore. It's the cold, hard truth. Men are nothing if not consistent. That's why none of them will ever catch me and tie me down like that again. I refuse to become their sexual slave. And that's exactly what that requirement for marriage is (in my mind) - just another twisted form of slavery.

[thepulse27]

thanks again spanks, i understand what you mean about sacrifice going both ways and im as willing as i always have been to do whatever it takes to make her happy. i will try to get to the bottom of whats changed in her life without making it sound like an attack or a demand.

 

re: openbook, i disagree completely that this should be a requirement for the woman only, relationships go two ways. and i sincerely hope that you dont mean what you say and that one day you'll meet someone that would do anything for you, and doing whatever it takes to make them happy wont feel like slavery anymore, it'll feel like the most natural and rewarding thing in the world.

[Leikela]

the pulse,

 

You are not alone. I am a female and since my husband and I have been together he has gained about 60 pounds. I will admit that I have lost sexual attraction to him. I still love him the same, but it's just not the same in the bedroom. I look at pictures of him when he was nice and thin and long for those days.

 

Since he is my husband, I laid it on the line. I said that he has to start exercising again and watching what he eats. Because of his extra weight he snores terribly so I sleep in the guest bedroom everynight. I told him I will not sleep with him again in the same room until he loses 30 pounds.

 

Since you don't live with your girlfriend, perhaps talking to her and asking her why she doesn't work out anymore might stir up some answers for you. Either way I wouldn't tell her that you don't find her as attractive. That can be devastating. Just hint that you want her to get in shape again. I never told my husband I'm not as attracted to him anymore. Just made him get his butt into shape again.

 

Best wishes to you!

[thepulse27]

Leikela: im sorry to hear about your husband, but it is nice to know that im not alone, and its interesting to hear it from a womans perspective too. thanks for the advice, i'll try not to be too blunt about it.

 

by the way, how is it working out for you?

[Leikela]

The pulse,

 

So far, so good! I showed him his "thin" picture last night and even he was alarmed at how much he had gained. He asked me to print it out for him and he is using that for motivation. He went to the gym today and is watching what he eats. He is starting to shed the pounds now. YEA!

 

I am also supporting him. We went grocery shopping today and he wanted to buy pepperoni. I told him to perhaps pick a different meat because that is pretty much pure fat. He agreed and got turkey instead. I helped him with all his choices actually. So it's going well. Thanks for asking!

[so_sad]

Pulse, my honest reaction is that you shouldn't say anything to her. Guess what? People change: they gain and lose weight, they get older, they get greyer and softer and wrinklier. And if you really really love them, you keep loving them regardless of those physical changes. It is not about being oblivious to the physical aspects of a relationship, but rather it is about accepting that people's appearances do change over time.

 

Second, it is a huge mistake to ever think that you are "helping" someone by pointing out their weight gain. The very first person to notice any weight gain is the woman who's gained it. If your girlfriend has gained weight, I can guarantee you that she's aware of it. And if it makes her feel bad, you pointing it out is only going to make her feel worse. If, on the other hand, she is comfortable with her weight, you pointing it out is only going to piss her off. Sorry, but quite frankly I think that unless she is endangering her life, then what happens with her body is her business and no one else's. My intention here is not to be harsh, but you asked for a woman's opinion and I'm giving it to you. If a man ever suggested I lose weight, it'd be the last time he saw my body.

[so_sad]

The other thing I wanted to mention is that if she was 18 when you started going out, I'm not surprised that she's gained some weight in the past 2 years - women usually do gain weight when are moving from being a teenager to an adult. I don't know how much she's gained, but it could be a perfectly normal change.

[thepulse27]

Leikela, glad to hear its going so well!

 

so_sad: thanks for your input. i know i have no right to demand anything from her, and if she cant or wont do anything about it then i'll have to accept that. we both try to be as honest as possible with each other though, and this has been on my mind for some time now. and i dont think its good for me or our relationship to keep it bottled up.

 

as for the normal weight gain at her age i appreciate that, but this seems to be much more down to lifestyle change.

 

i think if she starts doing the things she used to do, regardless of the results, it will make a huge difference. physically active people just feel better in themselves, its so easy to see it, and this one thing can give you a boost in all aspects of your life. i dont want to go out with someone that feels down and does nothing about it, because thats not the girl i fell in love with. i just dont know how to get her to snap out of it without mentioning it, i feel like ive tried everything else.

[bish]

my girlfriend is 20 and we have been going out for nearly 2 years now. i am completely in love with her and that isnt likely to change anytime soon. however, i am worried about becoming less attracted to her. .

 

Sounds like you were in love with the way she looked....not with her in general.

[thepulse27]

bish: i can see why you might think that, most of this thread is dedicated to discussing looks. but as time has gone on ive loved her more not less, while all this has gone on, so i dont think thats the case. i certainly hope not. but i think i know myself better than that, i do know that physical appearance matters a lot to me, and i know that other people disagree with this, but its just the way i feel, and i would never try to lie to myself or anyone else about that, its something i cant help. and there is certainly more to our relationship than that. i dont think we would have made it this far i there wasnt. its just that this discussion was started when i was thinking about the way she used to look and feel. i havent mentioned the other aspects of our relationship because most of them are more than fine!

[PWSX3]

I'm wondering if you are worried now & you aren't even married what is going to happen if you do get married? We all get heavier as we get older & then if she has kids what then?

 

Look at her mom, sisters, are they on the heavy side for you? It doesn't always happen but a lot of times the kids will be the same size as the parents or close to it. In my case my mother in law & sister in law are both smaller then my W, but the sister in law really watches what she eats (which I just found out not to long ago)

 

As we get older we also get busier with other things in our lives so it makes it harder to get to the gym, it is easy to say; O.K. I'll do that tomorrow......

 

My W has gained over 100 pounds in the 26 years that we have been married & yes it really bothers me specially since I've lost 60 pounds & now that we are getting older & she is on blood pressure meds, but its really sad to say there is nothing you can do about it.

 

The only thing you can do is except her for who she is & I'm like you it isn't really the weight problem but the health problem that she is having & will have in her later in life.....

[thepulse27]

PWSX3: i appreciate your concern, and id like to think i'll be able to deal with the things you mentioned. i understand that we get busier and our bodies change as we get older, but my girlfriend is 20 and still at college. i think a big part of it comes down to this: i am a very active person, we all want the most important person in our life to share some of our enthusiasms and life choices, i would like my girlfriend to be active too. and she always was, its the fact that she has stopped that is bothering me.

 

what i want more than anything is to be able to have a heart to heart about it, an open honest discussion. but i feel that this subject might just be too sensitive for that to ever happen. i have no idea how to say any of this without upsetting her so im searching for someone who does.

 

how do you talk about this with your wife? now this has become a serious health issue surely you can talk more freely? or am i being really naive?

[PWSX3]

how do you talk about this with your wife? now this has become a serious health issue surely you can talk more freely? or am i being really naive?

I think if you try & talk to them about this issue it will be like holding a gun to your head & just wondering when it will go off.

 

I really don't think there is a way to talk to woman about there weight or health. We have been going to counseling because of our relationship so I talked to our counselor alone & she has talked to my W & has given her homework to do to work on her health but she won't even do it when someone else tells her she needs to do it, so I am learning to just shut it out which probably won't be the best thing to do but like everyone says there is nothing "I" can do about it.

 

Your situation is different because she is young, I feel my W will have to hit bottom or something will have to happen to really wake her up before she will do anything & the sad part is I'm not sure if that will even help.

[melodicmaybe]

Hmm... It sounds like you do care about her and are just concerned. That said, there's not going to be an easy way to talk about this with her. Even if she doesn't make a big deal of it, she is going to be sensitive about the issue. Especially if she was formerly a very thin person. So bring it up, because honesty is important, but be very gentle about it.

 

Things you two might want to talk about or consider --

 

How is her money situation? She's in her second year of college. You didn't mention if she's having to work or not - so I really don't know about that side of it. But one of the reasons I think college kids typically put on weight is because bad food is cheaper than good food. There's a reason why so many college students live on stuff like ramen noodle soup -- it's horrible for you, but it's dirt cheap. So if she's struggling financially, little things like that will start to add up health (weight) wise over time.

 

Also, with her being in college, is she having a hard time dealing with all the pressure of classes, etc? Someone else mentioned depression and that is a legitimate possibility. It can be overwhelming to try and juggle everything all at once. And the combination of that, the easy availability of cheap, easy (bad) food like I mentioned earlier, and just less time to spend working out and stuff could all be contributing to her weight gain.

 

This is going to be harder for both of you because you're in a long distance relationship, so you can't physically be there to encourage her and actually go out and do activities with her.

 

Try and come up with healthy activities that the two of you can share that will benefit both of you. For example, and I know this sounds silly, my boyfriend and I have started keeping a photoblog. We each go out and then take pictures of the places we'd like to share with one another if we could be together. Does she like the beach, the park, hiking, stuff like that? Talk to her about taking photos of those things she loved, and you do the same. Not only will it give the two of you something intimate to share and talk about and have fun with -- but it will get both of you out and being more physically active.

 

Just my thoughts.