OM after you have separated and living apart but still M.

[smileysmile]

Ok..simple question.

 

To those who are or had been separated from there husband now living apart (separate houses) but still not D'd.

 

Did you or had you had your emotional/physical needs met by OM?

Maybe a co worker? Whether he is M or whatever?

 

Now this is ONLY a question for somebody who had been "HURT" and is "ANGRY" by the way your husband had treated you. That you had to get out of the M for his unreasonable behaviour ONLY.

Not because you fell out of love for him or stopped fancing him but non other than he WOULDN'T CHANGE.

 

Does this sound like you?

 

When a woman first seriously considers divorce she usually isn’t thinking about the theological implications of her desires – all she knows is that she feels like she has to get away from her husband. She doesn't arrive at this state of desperation by a process of calm deduction. She is simply reacting to the feeling that she "can't take anymore." Her departure is typically a sign that she has hardened her heart towards the man to whom she once entrusted it. Likely, she has been hurt over and over, and finally decided she will tolerate no more emotional pain. Her leaving may have been an attempt to coerce her husband to change, but more often it has been a desperate effort to survive. She sincerely believes that she cannot endure anymore heartache, so she has reached out and grabbed onto the separation like a drowning swimmer clings to a life ring.

 

Sadly, most husbands have few memories of “hurting” their wives. But let all such men consider – if a woman does something as extreme as leave her mate, claiming she can no longer handle the emotional pain, isn’t it likely she is, in fact, in pain? (If emotional feelings could bleed, a man would see a trail of blood following his wife as she walks away from him.) The truth is that a hardened woman only got that way because her feelings got hurt over and over. Herein lies the problem – most women believe that they have communicated their hurt to their husbands, but most husbands only have memories of their wife’s bad attitudes. All those times a wife thought she was simply expressing the cry of an injured heart, her husband only perceived hostility, coldness, or hatred. She felt like she was begging for tenderness and sensitivity, and he backed away because he thought he was being attacked.

 

 

Does this sound like your feelings?

Then a short time after you have separated your heads all over the place and your co worker has started to pay attention to you and one thing leads to another. Was he a MM? Did you care? Was it real? Did you want more? Was it revenge for what your husband done to you? Were you trying to hurt him? Get back at him? Or was this OM "support" for all the crap your ex put you through?

Was it deep rooted this hurt and pain left by your ex? Did he harden your heart so bad that you would never go back to him because his unfulfilled promises of change would keep you from going back? Did you honestly switch off your feelings for him because of so much anger and hurt inflicted by him. Did you lose love for him forever? And this OM was solely there for a quick fix and basicly because he happened to be there at the time? Did your heart ever soften for your remorseful, repentant ex over time? And deep inside your decision that it was over and moving out and telling him it was little to late and no chance of reconcilation...was there hope your actions would finally change him? Or was there no going back..whatever?

[child_of_isis]

This post is a bit confusing. I really don't know what you are asking, but yeah, I can relate to the bold portion.

 

I am not M but am coming out of a 13 yr. R. And yes, his behavior had become unreasonable.

 

There wasn't an OW on his part (a possible man maybe) no OM on my part.

 

When it is done, it is done. I didn't really switch off my feelings I don't think. I still miss him somewhat. If anything was switched off, he switched it off for me.

 

Will my heart soften? Probably...but I won't go back. I CAN'T. I think one can reach a point where it is just not possible. No matter what changes or looks to be changing. There may come a time where I can look at him without wanting to slug him...but going back? Nope.

 

I can't explain it...but I reached what I call 'a point of no return'

 

I can tell you, that since I have reached this point...if I am talking to a man, or out and about with a man...I'm not thinking about my X. I'm not thinking, I hope he finds out and changes his ways.

 

But, concerning the point...I don't think anyone knows when that point has been reached, but the person who has reached it.

 

Am I helping at all?

[smileysmile]

Very interesting. Thanks for your input.

He must have hurt you bad.

 

Do you see him at all?

[child_of_isis]

No. I don't see him. But he does try.

 

I don't know if it was the hurt that shut me down as much as it was the realization that nothing was ever going to change...no matter how often he told me otherwise.

 

His actions didn't coincide with his words.

 

I read your sitch...and I am thinking that this is where your W's head is. She can love you, but still come to the realization that this is the way it is gonna be, and has decided this is not what she wants in a R.

 

Does she still love you? Yes

Does she love OM? Probably not. But he is a source of comfort for her.

Is she doing it to make you jealous or to make you change? Probably not.

Will she continue moving forward by leaving the M? Most likely.

 

If you two were to get back for one more try, how long would it be before you resorted back to being your tried and true self? In all likelihood, this is what W is thinking. She doesn't want to take the chance. She doesn't want to go back to step one of the pain.

 

Very interesting. Thanks for your input.

He must have hurt you bad.

 

Do you see him at all?

[smileysmile]

Thanks for that. I pretty much knew it and you have validated it.

 

Yes I could change but I would have to seek counselling. A little to late for our R but for me anyway.

 

Gawd I am such an idiot. I wish I could just let go

 

I know she has a lot of bitterness and anger in her. I have to see her to pick our baby up. Gawd that is hard. It will be like this for years to come.

 

I wish I could some way change her feelings and want me again. She has built this huge wall around her and her heart. At least against me.

I have read many atricles to help soften her heart. To some way breakdown the wall. Maybe the damage is to severe nothing will break it down

[child_of_isis]

You are seeing someone else aren't you?

 

You say you want her back, yet you date others.

 

Actions speak louder than words.

 

See how this works?

[smileysmile]

Hmmm

 

I would do anything in the world to get her back and my family.

 

I would move mountains if I knew there was a chance.

 

But I am weak from trying. I have read a book 'winning your wife back...before its too late' the latter says it all in my case.

Also I subscribed to winyourexback.com.

 

Yes I am dating. I have met this woman who has a 5 yr old. She lives local. 35 yrs old. She is great. I know in my heart I pine for my ex. I know this is going to end in tears for her. I have a daughter and so does she. How can I ever be with her and HER daughter and not mine.

 

I haven't broadcasted this woman I am seeing. It is one night a week and maybe I would call round there when her daughter is asleep. I haven't met her or her family and I don't wish to..yet.

She knows of my situation but not that I still pine for my ex and would go back with a drop of a hat.

 

Other than that I am glad xmas is over with. I spent all xmas day in bed, at least in the day time. What a difference a year makes.

I am trying to be happy and be focussed but it is so hard.

 

The ex and I yesterday had a brief text war and face to face confrontation. All was okay in the morning as I picked her and my daughter up in the car (1st time in over 6 mths she has ridden in my car) to go for a check up at the hospital.

We were there for 2 hours. My daughter had spilt hot coffee over her 2 days before and my ex is still beating herself up. I am happy she let me go with her.

All was fine until we came back. I just feel my ex is talking down to me. I bit my tongue but this time I said stop your whining.

I dropped the baby off for a sleep and then picked her up for a few hours to open her presents with my family.

I texted my ex to appoligize for snapping at her. But she can be condescending and patroniszing sometimes about the babies welfare when I have her and she should treat me more as her father and not some babysitter. She even admits she is over protective and more so now after the coffee spilt on her.

I think it is all bitterness towards me still and the fact my ex does everything for our daughter and I only have her 'the fun times'. ie pick her up for a few hours and then drop her off. My ex prepares her food and bathes her before bed and is there if she wakes up during the night.

 

But I try so hard to bite my tongue when she comes across as if I don't know what to do and I as a father we have to learn by our mistakes.

 

Anyway, when I picked my daughter up after that sleep..we had a very brief arguement. She admits the talking down to me is probably because of the crap I put her through. Then she went on about stuff about me taking her up to see a female friend who I have known for 14 yrs and haven't seen her for 3 yrs. Has 3 little kids by a best friend of mine. Now divorced. She also happened to be a best friend of my 1st wife. And no way in a million yrs would I fancy her. She wanted to see my daughter and as I had my daughter for 10.5 hrs in the day as my ex was in work I thought I would take her there to kill time.

My ex knew this. And said fine but don't forget she may not be a stranger to you but is a stranger to our daughter. For gawdsake!

Lot more to say here but I won't. But I snapped back that I don't have a say when you bring men back here and our daughter is here.

 

What men!? she says. I have only had one man back here and our D is in bed. Hmmmm I am not sure about that I am thinking.

I was jealous I know. But I snapped back saying don't ever preach the moral high ground and your principles when you are shagging a married man.

She never answered but the tone said it all. I had to back off.

I have totally gone against what I have been reading about do's and don'ts.

I dropped D off about 7pm and ex was fine. Let me sit down briefly to show what my family had bought D for xmas. And then I said I have D this Sunday. She acknowledged and I left.

 

Hmmm obviously I can't write everything that is said here. It is hard for you guys to make much of this.

I forgot to mention one of my text messages in this brief text war was ..

 

*why are you speaking like crap to me? You are bitter yet you say you have moved on...physically to.

Why don''t you lay off me and let me make my own mistakes as a father would with there D.

Why are you always bringing the past up? (about why she left me etc)

You have moved on. Why are you so bitter? You moved on mths ago. Why give me such a hard time? Chill and relax more. We are supposed to be amicable for our D.

Again let me make my own mistakes. I know you do a great job with our D and prepare everything for her ready for when I pick her up. And I am thankful for that. But you wouldn't have it any other way as you have her life/future mapped out. I don't have any say so don't have a go at me as I don't have a choice and I have kept to the rota (to see our baby) and you will only tell me what I need to know about our D.*

 

Like I said..I can't get everything in here. So here is to a new year 2008...

 

Hang on...let me see what happens when I turn this dial here..oh...I have turned it. Hey! What is happening..I have gone back a whole year!! Hmmmm I wish!

Edited December 27, 2007 by smileysmile

[child_of_isis]

Since there is so much anger, you may want to keep your distance until things settle down. That is why I won't let my X around me. I might end up slapping him square in the mouth.

 

Maybe you should accept the fact that she is a better mother than you are a father. Seek her advice concerning the child instead of getting defensive when she tries to advise you. Ask questions. Women are freaky when it comes to their children. Consider it genetic and don't take it personal. Thank god every day that your child has a conscientious mother.

 

It sounds as if communication is way off. This is understandable due to the emotions involved. You could suggest counseling for you both that focused on communication skills. NOT so you can win her back....nor work on the M (for gods sake don't mention that) But so you two can raise a healthy happy child. You 2 continously snapping at one another around the child is not good for it's psyche.

 

Go to individual counseling yourself also.

 

There are things that you can do while you are apart.

 

Staying away from women would do wonders. Spend time alone. Work on your issues.

 

Spend more time with the child. Sign up for parenting classes.

 

All of this will soften her up a bit. But don't do it just to get her back. Do it so you can be a better person and parent.

 

These things will 'show' her that you are working on change. Not just talking about it.

[OWoman]

But I try so hard to bite my tongue when she comes across as if I don't know what to do and I as a father we have to learn by our mistakes.

 

What???

 

This is a CHILD you're talking about! It's not like learning a new sport. Your "mistakes" could cost the child dearly, even endanger her health or life, depending on how extreme they are. If social services had to hear that kind of statement, your custody would be pulled faster than you could say "Britney Spears"!

[smileysmile]

Thanks again for your input. A lot of it makes sense.

I crave intimacy and I guess the ex does. So it is very hard.

 

She says I am to defensive. You can hardly blame me. Genetics or not maybe the ex needs to look at herself. On the other hand I maybe should appreciate the reasons behind it. All the crap that has happened. The emotional state shes in. I mean I need a 'slap' to see that deep down she doesn't mean to be this way.

I have to be a man and take it. But I always slip up. I try so hard, as I care.

Maybe you should accept the fact that she is a better mother than you are a father

 

Yes she is a good mother and does more for her like most mothers do. But that sounds like I am not a good father to her when she is with me. Is that me being defensive again? Because of the circumstances what else can I do?

I take your advice for personal counselling but parenting classes? All my family will vouch for me that I am a good down and I am well capable of interacting with her in many ways. Cuddles, kisses and love comes naturally with me and my D.

My ex is resentful or whatever you wish to call it because she is doing all the work whilst when I hand her back I can put my feet up for the next few days. She can't until D is in bed. What can I do? So I guess for the time being...BITE THE TONGUE! Listen to what she says even if she comes across as patronizing. Be the man..yeah?

 

These things will 'show' her that you are working on change. Not just talking about it. 

 

Hmmm, very true. She doesn't know I am on this site and I have read articles to improve my thinking etc.

I know I have to do it for myself. Not to win her back. It is so very hard though. The lack of intimacy that is.

[smileysmile]

NO NO NO NO...

 

you see... ok...read this. You have it all wrong. That is why posting these threads have to be in the right tone..as you can't see or hear me.

 

Q. Do mothers tend to put up a barrier between father and child?

 

A. It's very difficult for some mothers, particularly if they're extremely efficient at what they do. One of the hardest things for women is to let their husband make the same mistakes and learn from those mistakes the way they did. Instead they put them into the role of baby sitter. Most women give their husbands a list telling them what to do instead of letting the father develop his own way of relating to the child.

For instance, she may know how to get the baby in bed in 15 minutes whereas it may take the father 45 minutes, not because he's inefficient but because he's going to be playing and doing different things with the child. Fathers tend to play more than teach.

 

Now do you understand what I mean about 'mistakes' a father has to make. Gawd blimey!

Edited December 27, 2007 by smileysmile

[Woggle]

Your first mistake is trying to make it up to her when she is the one that cheated on you. Stop blaming yourself and making excuses for her.

 

Your second mistake is promising to change when in reality there is nothing wrong with you. A man should never try to change to appease a woman. You are human so therefore you have flaws but stop thinking you were this horrible man that drive her to this.

 

If she wants a divorce give it to her but make sure you have joint custody and you don't let her walk all over you in family court.

[smileysmile]

No woggle she NEVER cheated.

 

I guess I am in the wrong forum now.

 

You will have to read my story in my profile. I am here because of my original question which was well answered but do appreciate more input.

 

I was the main cause of this situation. The OM came later after we separated. I am trying to understand the reason(s) why the "hurt" W would go with OM?

I have heard stories that it is normally a work colleague. In my W case this is what happened. And he is M but according to my ex he was now separating. Not sure what the truth is. But I hurt my ex. Not yet D.

 

Maybe as my W says I have a brusied ego that she moved on before me at least physically with this OM. Who doesn't work there anymore.

Maybe she felt flattered and liked the attention?

 

Why would your W after separating who says I hurt her which is deep rooted and asking me to stay humble as she gets over it sh*g OM?

We men would think ..ah she ain't hurting if she can sh*g this bloke?

 

Maybe she felt desirable and wanted and felt he gave her support for the crap she has been through?

I need to get over my insecure bruised ego..right?

It was just a sh*g and he does pop over now and again but I really don't know anything else. Because it is none of my business.

[OWoman]

I guess I am in the wrong forum now.

 

I reckon.

 

"Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner" doesn't sound like what's going down here.

[child_of_isis]

Yes, you are defensive ;-)

 

No one is saying that you aren't a good parent. That is not the point at all. To a mother (and some more than others) everyone is a bumbling idiot when it comes to their children.

 

Parenting classes would show W that you have the child's best interest at heart, and are 'hearing' her concerns.

 

If you take the child more, then your ex won't feel as if she is carrying the bigger load and will relax in the resentment department.

 

You say you both crave intimacy but there is none is this lovely little family you have. Do you actually think you will find it elsewhere if you can't find it within the family unit?

 

That is not logical thinking my friend.

 

Everyone is looking for external fixes to internal problems.

 

Children crave intimacy also. Why can't you channel that need for intimacy into your child?

Thanks again for your input. A lot of it makes sense.

I crave intimacy and I guess the ex does. So it is very hard.

 

She says I am to defensive. You can hardly blame me. Genetics or not maybe the ex needs to look at herself. On the other hand I maybe should appreciate the reasons behind it. All the crap that has happened. The emotional state shes in. I mean I need a 'slap' to see that deep down she doesn't mean to be this way.

I have to be a man and take it. But I always slip up. I try so hard, as I care.

Maybe you should accept the fact that she is a better mother than you are a father

Yes she is a good mother and does more for her like most mothers do. But that sounds like I am not a good father to her when she is with me. Is that me being defensive again? Because of the circumstances what else can I do?

I take your advice for personal counselling but parenting classes? All my family will vouch for me that I am a good down and I am well capable of interacting with her in many ways. Cuddles, kisses and love comes naturally with me and my D.

My ex is resentful or whatever you wish to call it because she is doing all the work whilst when I hand her back I can put my feet up for the next few days. She can't until D is in bed. What can I do? So I guess for the time being...BITE THE TONGUE! Listen to what she says even if she comes across as patronizing. Be the man..yeah?

 

These things will 'show' her that you are working on change. Not just talking about it. 

Hmmm, very true. She doesn't know I am on this site and I have read articles to improve my thinking etc.

I know I have to do it for myself. Not to win her back. It is so very hard though. The lack of intimacy that is.

[child_of_isis]

This is also illogical thought.

 

Why do you need to know that she is hurting?

 

You are seeing someone else also.

 

You are the one who wants his family back. W is ready to move on. The walls are up.

 

It's on you and only you. It is you that will have to begin the healing process in the family, as it was you who pushed W to construct walls around her heart.

 

Until you get this through your head, you'll never get anywhere. You will have to learn to put this family before yourself. When I read your posts, it is all about you.

 

No offense, just giving it to you straight.

 

Why would your W after separating who says I hurt her which is deep rooted and asking me to stay humble as she gets over it sh*g OM?

We men would think ..ah she ain't hurting if she can sh*g this bloke?

 

.

[smileysmile]

yes I wan to truth and I am not offended.

 

She has told me she is hurt. And still angry with me. It comes out sometimes in her tone towards me. But as I have said from my view (or/and a mans view) why give me such a had time if she has moved on etc?

Her mum said to me around 6 weeks ago when I had to pick up our D from her place. I said to her as my eyes filled up I still cared for your D.

 

She says "I don't know what you have done byt you HURT her. You have D as a connection and maybe you can work on her. "

 

I just can't understand the moving on to OM bit so soon. Maybe seeing me brings back the hurt. Seeing him is new and fresh and less painful.

 

You will have to learn to put this family before yourself. When I read your posts, it is all about you.

Maybe I am acting this way? I am hurting to as I put us here and feel I have no control over the situation.

As for putting the family first. I am keeping to the devised rota for seeing D. I can't do anything else. The rest of the week is her time with our D and until it is time to pick D up then I sit/lay/stand here in a sorry state

 

I know it is over. I should just move on myself. I should be happy around ex and show her i have moved on. If she comes round someday and opens up we can see what happens. I have to seek couselling for myself. I have had some but need more.

I think it is deep rooted and I only can control my behaviour. My hurt from my youth will never go away. But I can't let it affect my R.

 

Maybe my ex will see changes in me. I have to bite my tongue and listen to her more and be patient. From now on

[smileysmile]

yes I want the truth and I am not offended.

 

She has told me she is hurt. And still angry with me. It comes out sometimes in her tone towards me. But as I have said from my view (or/and a mans view) why give me such a had time if she has moved on etc?

Her mum said to me around 6 weeks ago when I had to pick up our D from her place. I said to her as my eyes filled up I still cared for your D.

 

She says "I don't know what you have done but you HURT her. You have D as a connection and maybe you can work on her. "

 

I just can't understand the moving on to OM bit so soon. Maybe seeing me brings back the hurt. Seeing him is new and fresh and less painful.

 

you say:

 

"You will have to learn to put this family before yourself. When I read your posts, it is all about you."

 

Maybe I am acting this way? I am hurting to as I put us here and feel I have no control over the situation.

As for putting the family first. I am keeping to the devised rota for seeing D. I can't do anything else. The rest of the week is her time with our D and until it is time to pick D up then I sit/lay/stand here in a sorry state

 

I know it is over. I should just move on myself. I should be happy around ex and show her i have moved on. If she comes round someday and opens up we can see what happens. I have to seek couselling for myself. I have had some but need more.

I think it is deep rooted and I only can control my behaviour. My hurt from my youth will never go away. But I can't let it affect my R.

 

Maybe my ex will see changes in me. I have to bite my tongue and listen to her more and be patient. From now on

[child_of_isis]

You do have control over the situation...you put you and your family here, remember? Oxymoronish. You broke it, you fix it.

 

If there is a child schedule, you could still call and ask to visit with your child. Maybe take him/her to the park/out for ice cream...something, anything! for a few hours to give W a break. Let her know that you want to spend time with the child and give her a break also. It shows concern. For both Mother and child.

 

Counseling for yourself.

Communication counseling for you and W.

You could suggest parenting classes for yourself and see if W thinks it is a good ideal. Maybe mention it casually or something. If she jumps on it, sign up. Take the child to said classes if possible.

 

Showing her that you "have moved on" is going to do nothing but confirm W's suspicions that she is correct in not trying anymore. Don't look at what she is doing in her life with OM. You are way ahead of him in this game. He is nothing.

 

You can get your family back....but it is going to take a lot of hard work and patience on your part. Most just find it easier to replace the spouse. But what they don't realize is...all the crap that they were too lazy to fix, is going with them to the next R.

 

 

Maybe I am acting this way? I am hurting to as I put us here and feel I have no control over the situation.

As for putting the family first. I am keeping to the devised rota for seeing D. I can't do anything else. The rest of the week is her time with our D and until it is time to pick D up then I sit/lay/stand here in a sorry state

 

I know it is over. I should just move on myself. I should be happy around ex and show her i have moved on. If she comes round someday and opens up we can see what happens. I have to seek couselling for myself. I have had some but need more.

[smileysmile]

hmmm you do have some valid points.

 

Are you saying when women say they have moved on and its a little to late let me get on with it.. they are trying to convince themselves this and to there spouse. They don't always mean?

 

If this is said..why should I bother. There word is bond right?

[child_of_isis]

No they mean it...and will fake it until they make it. Every day will be another step.

 

But...you can stop those steps from progressing.

 

You can make her stop and look in your direction.

 

Are you understanding?

hmmm you do have some valid points.

 

Are you saying when women say they have moved on and its a little to late let me get on with it.. they are trying to convince themselves this and to there spouse. They don't always mean?

 

If this is said..why should I bother. There word is bond right?

[smileysmile]

Who are you? lol

 

Are you an Angel?

 

You seem to be giving me hope EVEN by my slip up yesterday.

I shouldn't have brought up the fact she had been with a M man and that bl**dy text war. I was doing so well up til then.

 

Xmas Eve I bought her a present from our D. A picture frame with I love my mummy and a pic of both of them.

Also a calender of labradors which she likes (she has a lab) and a toiletre bag which has Dove moistrizer products to help her relax. She couldn't believe I bought all that but I said it was from our D.

 

She gave me a naff calender from D which her friends (she befriended at parents class so they are all babies) each month is a different baby. Our D is July. She felt a little bad and said maybe I should have made a calender with all our D on.

I said thanks but I looked sad as it had no meaning.

 

Even the xmas card from D to her had a poem in it to say why she loved her mum and a D hand print. I gave her a card myself but nothing from her

 

So what did you say my plan of action was now? Dos and Don'ts?

 

Didn't you have a similar situation?

[child_of_isis]

You have every reason to be hopeful. You 2 have a child together.

 

My situation is different, but the same...(I think) we would get back together, only for him to keep doing the same things over and over.

 

He would 'talk' his way back. But didn't follow through with actions. If he got pissed at me, he would do the very things that I said I would not tolerate.

 

Here is the plan:

 

Individual counseling.

 

Counseling that focuses soley on communication techniques. Ask W to go with you. Do not have her find the counselor or make the appointments. That is your job. You are in control. This is your boat. You are going to have to row it. If she doesn't think it is a good ideal, then let her know that you are going to go anyway. If for no reason than helping yours and hers communication around the child. It is important for a child's parents that they communicate instead of bicker.

 

Do the parenting classes thing I told you earlier. Here is how you do it..if she calls, and you are playing with the baby instead of getting him/her to bed (cough) and she goes beserk on you...just say...do you think I should take parenting classes? Say it honestly..and innocently...like you really want her opinion on this...which you do.

 

Channel intimacy toward child. See previous post about parks/ice cream...a few hours here and there so Mom can have a break. Call the baby daily. You need to keep that father/child connection.

 

Stay the **** away from women! All women! Go buy porn or toys or whatever for sexual satisfaction.

 

Any time you talk to your wife, don't talk about the R, the OM...nothing like that. Ever. Always talk about the cute things the baby did...and ALWAYS mention the things that you have learned in your counseling/ classes/books/internet, etc....talk about everything that will show positive growth on your part.

 

Any time you think you have to embark on the negative, cut it short, right then and there. Be is a visit, phone call, text, vm, etc.

 

Re-group before trying it again. Find a corner and lick your wounds for a while.

 

The most crucial part of all of this is...if you are to re-gain her trust, you have to follow through with what you say.

 

You can't suggest classes for couples (or parents)communication techniques, then not put the effort into finding the classes and going to them.

 

Tell me honestly....are you understanding where it is you have went wrong?

 

Are you understanding where this will take you? It is not all about winning your W back from OM. It is about fighting for your family and the problems within that unit.

 

You are taking charge.

[smileysmile]

I know where I went wrong.

 

She says in her recent texts that I wasn't there for her and and D.

Our daughter is only 13 mths old so April 2007 when we separated into separate bedrooms. So there was some distance.

I resent her saying I wasn't there for D.

 

I think sometimes she is using D against me.

 

One of her text messages to me on Boxing day was this:

 

"And you weren't there for me or your D when I was with you, you were wrapped up in yourself and your bloody emotional mind games to be there for us, why do you think I left?

Now leave it and play with your D!".

 

I had just picked up the D from her place to take to mine for a few hours so that my mum and aunt could see her. So after leaving hers and a few words were said it carried on via text.

 

I think when we separated into separate bedrooms it was a little tense. We separated from each other August 23rd.

 

I don't EVER bombard ex calls begging/pleading for her to come back. I have given her space. Too much in fact because she is probably getting to comfortable on her own Who needs a man, right?

 

Though I did text the odd one 2 weeks ago.

 

"I miss my family, Every tick of the clock, every heartbeat, every breathe I take is a moment lost. I was unbearable to live with. You were and are a courageous woman to dump me. I admire and respect you for that. All you wanted was a partner that was "normal" . How simple. I couldn't even get the "normal" right. Just thought I'd share those thoughts with you. Hope your ok x

 

Yes I know...shouldn't have done it.

 

Almost immediately she replied..

 

" ****, you have to stop with these texts. Whats the point telling me now. u had your chance when I was with you and kept asking you to sort it. There is no point anymore as it doesn't help anymore does it and certainly doesn't help me!? U had it. U blew it. Now leave me to get on with it. All you do is keep rubbing my nose in what a normal life I wanted and you never gave nor could give, no matter what you say now, 2 little to late. Plz stop these texts".

 

"I know you are hurting and so am I for different reasons and there is no going back, so all these texts do is keep me feeling sh*tty and angry with you so you have to stop texting me just cos your feeling low. Its not fair to me, is it? Again even now you are keeping me up and down by the way you are feeling at the time. Do you not see that? Leave it *****, I don't want text chat, so no text back".

 

I appologised and said it wasn't because I was feeling low. (Just showing I still cared) and said it won't happen again.

 

Then she texted once more.

 

"I know you feel low, u realize now as you did in your last R what u are missing and what u had. Which is why I doubt you could change the way you are. U don't mean to be this way its engrained in you from youth. Trouble is you took me and D down with you and I have to deal with the pain in my way to be able to make some kind of life for me and her and you telling me how you feel bad doesn't help cos it makes me angry that u didn't stop before etc, I am sorry you are hurting but by telling me u make it my problem and after all the pain you gave me, please don't give me anymore cos it just keeps me feeling down. goodnight *****".

 

Like I said, that is a text out of the blue. I am pretty good otherwise and I never expected all that but maybe it is still to raw for her for me to text or say something like that. Maybe I am thinking of ME again. I think she knows how I feel etc and have to leave that to one side.

 

She says "let her get on with it". Well maybe I should keep to the rota of seeing my D? I don't think I can win here. If I ring today 2 days before I see her next just to check to see how D is because today she is seeing the doctor for a check up of her burns she might not like it.

 

This sucks!

 

This is going to be a looooong ride to where ever

 

ps you think you could go back to your fella?

Edited December 28, 2007 by smileysmile

[child_of_isis]

I am understanding what she is saying concerning the texts. My X was doing the same with me. It made him feel better, made me feel like crap.

 

It is bringing her down. You don't want her feeling down as she will see you as the cause of it. If you keep pushing it, she may go no contact (I did) with you. You don't want that.

 

She definitely needs space. This will help her to grow strong. Her strength will help her lose her anger/resentment toward you. And yes, she will come to the point of not needing a man. But, that is a good thing. You don't want her to need you, you want her to want you.

 

I think sometimes she is using D against me.

You need to drop this line of thought as quickly as possible. This is not happening. What she is saying is....'what you have done to me, you have also done to D". Mother's truly think like this. I understand her line of thinking perfectly. When the X did something that directly or indirectly affected my D, it was/is unforgivable.

 

I don't think I can win here.

Like I said...some find it easier to just replace the spouse.

 

 

This is going to be a looooong ride to where ever

This is your boat. You can let the waves take you where they may...or you can row the damn thing. Your decision.

 

ps you think you could go back to your fella?

I hope one day I can drop my anger enough to be friends.

 

He is weak.

Like you, he is letting the waves take him where they may.