In need of some serious

[justnotsure]

I have been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years. My bf has a wonderful, funny, silly side, which of course attracted me to him to begin with, but he also can be mean. I am in my late thirties and have two children (teens). He does not come over much when they are home with me, but I see him when they are at Dad's.

 

The problem: I feel that there is some sort of "mind game" going on with him. I can never put my finger on it, though. He will be normal and nice for weeks at a time, and then one day he will wake up and "change". I will call him, expecting nice and normal, and he will be cold, rude, or dismissing of me. If I dare ask him, "What's the matter?" he will be worse. I literally feel that he sets me up: If he's acting rude, or ignoring me, he will get worse and worse until I say something and then he blows up at me. It is embarrassing to tell people because I sound so stupid; I mean, WHY do I take the bait? Why don't I just ignore him? The thing is, he will drag it on for days and then when the blow up happens, he seems to be justifying something. He will say, "See, we just don't get along." If I try to discuss it with him, he REFUSES. He will say, "You just don't know when to drop things" and then he refuses absolutely refuses has NEVER admitted that he was the butthead to begin with. It is very hurtful.

 

This week, I was happy as a clam, working at home and writing and had not too much time for him....he came over one night and at 3am flipped on the lights and asked me where his robe was....so I said "What in God's name are you doing?" just like that. Later, after leaving the light on and leaving his dog crying in my room for 20 minutes, he came back to bed and I said, "You know, you are very hypocritical, because you have a FIT when I turn on the light."

 

This caused three days of silent treatment and sulking from him. I THINK it was caused by me being happy and too busy. When I tried to talk about it he refused, and said, "I want to get off of the phone now" without even addressing my feelings. He was actually very MEAN and hung up on me when I started to cry and express my frustration at his "punishment"

 

This is a typical problem. Any thoughts from those of you who have been there would be appreciated!!

 

Sara

[Always Wrong]

Sara,

He sounds like he's bipolar. If he's not willing to discuss the issue with you, maybe you could get him to see a professional.

[Krondore]

I have been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years. My bf has a wonderful, funny, silly side, which of course attracted me to him to begin with, but he also can be mean. I am in my late thirties and have two children (teens). He does not come over much when they are home with me, but I see him when they are at Dad's.

 

The problem: I feel that there is some sort of "mind game" going on with him. I can never put my finger on it, though. He will be normal and nice for weeks at a time, and then one day he will wake up and "change". I will call him, expecting nice and normal, and he will be cold, rude, or dismissing of me. If I dare ask him, "What's the matter?" he will be worse. I literally feel that he sets me up: If he's acting rude, or ignoring me, he will get worse and worse until I say something and then he blows up at me. It is embarrassing to tell people because I sound so stupid; I mean, WHY do I take the bait? Why don't I just ignore him? The thing is, he will drag it on for days and then when the blow up happens, he seems to be justifying something. He will say, "See, we just don't get along." If I try to discuss it with him, he REFUSES. He will say, "You just don't know when to drop things" and then he refuses absolutely refuses has NEVER admitted that he was the butthead to begin with. It is very hurtful.

 

This week, I was happy as a clam, working at home and writing and had not too much time for him....he came over one night and at 3am flipped on the lights and asked me where his robe was....so I said "What in God's name are you doing?" just like that. Later, after leaving the light on and leaving his dog crying in my room for 20 minutes, he came back to bed and I said, "You know, you are very hypocritical, because you have a FIT when I turn on the light."

 

This caused three days of silent treatment and sulking from him. I THINK it was caused by me being happy and too busy. When I tried to talk about it he refused, and said, "I want to get off of the phone now" without even addressing my feelings. He was actually very MEAN and hung up on me when I started to cry and express my frustration at his "punishment"

 

This is a typical problem. Any thoughts from those of you who have been there would be appreciated!!

 

Sara

 

It sounds like he is very much into being in control of things and or people, meaning you.

The normal addage would be to dump him and find someone who will treat you like a princess, sometimes this in itself is far easier to say than to do.

 

My advice is to ignore him ( although not easy ) but also to try and get him some therapy sesions as it does kind of sound like he may be bipolar.

 

Because this is not something that i would class as the normal for a partner to do.

The fact he only wishes to be around you and not with your children, does seem to suggest he will not take you as the whole package ( as in your children as well as you )

I do hope this changes with him, as you seem like a nice female thats well adjusted in yourself.

[Jilly Bean]

Agreed with Always. He sounds totally clinically bipolar. The anger and rage is a huge part of it, and most people don't realize it. Along with the mind games you present. This won't get better without treatment. Is he approachable when "normal"?

[justnotsure]

I never even considered that he may be bipolar.....! All three of you agreed and I am sure there is something to this. His moods...I just never have experienced anyone just changing suddenly and then becoming so angry. It made no sense to me. He does not really show any signs of mania, but I know that doesn't have to be part of it. He DOES get extremely depressed, for no apparent reason.

 

When he is normal, he doesn't want to discuss it. Or he will discuss it briefly and then try to put most of the blame on me "I told you I was BUSY when you called" etc.... It's very strange. It's such odd behavior that I thought perhaps I WAS doing something to cause it because WHY would a normal person just get angry out of the blue and then refuse to discuss it?

 

I suspect that he knows there is something wrong with him and he is ashamed of it. I will try to get him to go to therapy, or I will go. I am also going to read up.

 

Thank you!!