Cenerentola Posted December 26, 2007 Share Posted December 26, 2007 (edited) I have lived in Australia for the last year but my mother lives in South Carolina, where I grew up. All of my family members have passed away over the years and it is now just me and my mother in regards to immediate family. I still have some close friends who I have known since I was young in South Carolina. In fact, they are my closest friends ever. The only people I can be myself around and who I love like family. I have never met any other people like them ever and just love them so much. My best friend and her family have "adopted" me over the years, and always invite me over for Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. Last year I did not go to their place for Christmas because I was feeling bad about going (my mother hates when I spend time with them). But this year I really wanted to see them and spend time with them as well as my mother when I came home, as I am only here a short time and then go back to Australia. My best friend, her family and her boyfriend really wanted me to come over. They know my mother (in 15 years they have all met her and talked to her from time to time) and invited her over. She refused. They thought this was silly that she would not come over. She said she did not want to spend Christmas with people she "does not know" which was confusing to them, as they have all met and talked to her. Christmas came and I spent the morning with her, exchanging gifts, etc. I tried to tell her to come with me to my friends for Christmas, but she refused. In the afternoon I went over to my friends place at about 1:20. We had a great time as her family was there, her boyfriends family was there, some friends came over, etc. They consider me as one of the family and even talked about calling my mother and getting her to come, but they knew it would be pointless. I finally came home after 6, as I had told my mother I would be home in time for dinner. When I got home, she was furious. She screamed at me and ranted and raved and even got right in my face, swearing so bad spit was coming out of her mouth and into my face. She told me I was wrong to have spent time with them and was just terribly nasty, telling me I would never have a family of my own and that no one would ever want me. I stayed calm and told her she was wrong. Not only had they all invited her but they know her and these are my closest friends of 15 years who love and care about me too and wanted to see me as well on Christmas and do not understand why she will not come over and spend time with them. She screamed at me so many insulting things and was just terrible. She has been this way for years with them and it is very upsetting. For example, I have been home for over a week. In that time, she has not wanted to do anything with me at all. She will leave me at home and go out to do some grocery shopping all day or spend the day cleaning her bathroom but will not do anything with me. So then I will say, "ok, you do not want to do anything, I am going to go out and see my friends" and she goes into these furious tirades about me seeing them. This has been going on for years. I have told her in the past I think she is jealous, but she insists she is not. Yet my best friend has told me that normal parents do not act this way when their grown children want to go and socialize with their friends. Over the years it has been this way on many Thanksgivings, Fourth of July's, birthdays, etc. I try to divide the time between my mother and my friends but she screams and rants and raves and does not want me to spend time with them. I do not know what to do. A part of me thinks there must be a normal world where an adult can have friends who she can go and socialize with not only during the year but on holidays such as Christmas, the fourth of July, etc. A world where family and friends can mix and share time with one another together without one person screaming that they have to have you all to them self. I think this is why I live in another country, it is so much more pleasant that way! Am I wrong about all of this? (By the way, this whole thing at Christmas with my mother vs my friends has been going on for years, even before I moved to Australia, so my mother acted this way even when I lived in the same town as her before I moved out of the country on many holidays and regular days. So someone could say it is just her wanting to see me as I am so far away, but she has been acting this way for years, even when I lived in the same neighborhood!) Edited December 26, 2007 by Cenerentola Link to post Share on other sites
Always Wrong Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 My mother does stupid things all year long. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 So...She's a control Freak. So what do you intend doing about it? 'Cos' you know, don't you that if she treats you this way, it's because you put up with it..... Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 think of a screaming, demanding, tantrummy two-year-old. Now slap your mother's face over her little body. your mom does this because she knows that, good person that you are, will put up with it because you're trying to play fair. However, you are an adult now, and are perfectly within your rights to establish new rules if you should so choose. My suggestion for the next time the situation comes up, is to say "(Friend) has invited you to come eat dinner with us, but understands if you choose not to come." End of conversation; go and enjoy your visit with your friends. if you have decided to make it to Mom's house in time for dinner, stand your ground on the new rules. If she starts throwing her tantrum, let her finish her rant, then very calmly tell her that you do not appreciate her behavior, that the next time she pull that shxt, you will be forced to leave her out of the loop on these visits simply because she's too unpleasant to be around and there are other people who enjoy visiting you within the time you've allowed to be with them. Then go about doing your thing. this is the important part: If she continues to carry on, leave. And don't come back or contact her until you've reached home, and that is only to let her know that you've arrived home safely. This reinforces the new way of doing things; that you're not going to allow her to behave the way she does or ruin your visit just because she can. repeat as many times as needed until your negative reinforcement "trains" her to behave more like a grown-up than a brat. Because you don't have to subject yourself to that kind of crap if you really don't want it, even if it is a family member we're talking about. Respect starts with yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cenerentola Posted January 3, 2008 Author Share Posted January 3, 2008 Hi...thank you to everyone for the replies. I wish I would have checked back here sooner. I suppose I was expecting everyone to say I was wrong, because she had me pretty convinced that maybe I was wrong. Especially since she spent all Christmas night on the phone with a friend and her friend said how wrong I was too. The worst was that the next day my best friend called the house, and my mom answered. She asked to talk to me and my mom said to her "I just want to say how wrong I think it was for my daughter to spend yesterday with you" and just started going on about how wrong it was! My best friend said she tried to tell her in a very polite way that she does not agree, that my mother was invited and has been invited many times over the years but has always refused, but my mother just kept saying to her, "well, what if you left your boyfriend home at Christmas?" and things like that and my friend kept trying to say, "but you were INVITED. You CHOSE not to come. Why should your daughter have to sit at home just because you refused to come?" Then my mom said to my friend, "and let me tell you some other things about that girl (meaning me)" and at that point my friend was so angry that she was about to say some really mean stuff so she just hung up since my mother would not let her talk to me. The strange thing is, my mother never told me about this phone call! We spent the whole day together and then on the 27th I called my friend and she was SO WORRIED! She said she kept thinking that I would have called her if I knew she called and did not know if something was wrong. My mother has STILL never mentioned that call to me. Is this really the sign of a controlling person? Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 - You Have To ask - ?!!?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cenerentola Posted January 3, 2008 Author Share Posted January 3, 2008 Yeah thats what I was kind of thinking when I reread it... It is so strange how when its yourself, and you are in it, it is so hard to see clearly. I forgot to mention that the next day she wanted me to go to lunch with HER friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 And tell me... did you go...? BTW, are you Italian? Do you speak Italian? It's just that I know what your name means..... because I am, and I do..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cenerentola Posted January 5, 2008 Author Share Posted January 5, 2008 No, I did not go. I told her, why should I go with her to have lunch with her friends when she would not go to see mine? I just did not think it was right. I wish I was Italian :-) I speak it a little, but mostly basic stuff. I could not carry on a conversation or anything, but I can get around in Italy ok on it :-) I am trying to learn because I would like to become fluent some day. You are blessed to be both Italian and to speak the language. Who is your second quote from in your profile? I like it a lot. I think that is true. I always think if I could kick out every negative thought that gets within 100 feet of me, I could probably do just about anything in life. (I do not mean I will try to fly off a building or anything like that :-) Cenerentola is one of my favorite movies...nice to know someone knows what it means :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 Who is your second quote from in your profile? I like it a lot. I think that is true. I always think if I could kick out every negative thought that gets within 100 feet of me, I could probably do just about anything in life. They are both quotations from The Buddha. I didn't have the space to put that, and besides, it sounded a bit 'preachy' so I just left them anonymous. He said a lot of things that make sense. Since becoming a Buddhist, I have managed to incorporate countless things in my life that have turned it round for the better. And those that I couldn't affect, I let them drop. 'nuff said..... Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 Is it just me, or (as I look at the screen now) have all the signatures disappeared anyway?) Link to post Share on other sites
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