i don't understand....

[anotherother24]

I know this sounds ridiculous and maybe even none of my business but I can't help it.

 

Do you all think it's possible for a wife to not be upset over her husband having a year long affair? and do you think most people could forgive it easily? For me, I don't think I would be able to forgive it easily...but I was in a relationship with a MM...and basically, I ended up telling his W about it. She already basically knew but I confirmed it to her. Anyways, whats driving me crazy is that she acts like she doesn't care and that she forgives him automatically....he told me she hates him...and she calls and cusses me out and tells me he loves her and would never look at another woman.

 

Is she just trying to throw me off? or make me think she doesn't care? I mean, she's seen the phone bills of us talking for hours...and he even admitted once to taking me out to dinner...and I've heard her fighting with him before...upset over it..but to me..she LAUGHS at me...like I'm crazy...and she could care less. I just can't understand how....Is it just a front so I don't see her upset? so I think everythings perfect with them? or could she really be okay with this?!?

 

.....and would it matter if they are from egypt? is cheating any different there than it is in the US? She told me his family would be VERY upset if they found out about this, but yet she claims she is okay with it?

[michaelk]

Well, I don't know anything about Egyptian culture, but...

 

I'm not at all surprised that his wife doesn't let her guard down with you. She may be feeling a lot of things, but I imagine the last thing she'd do is let the OW know that she's hurting or angry. She probably views you as trying to destroy her marriage and steal her husband, so why give you the satisfaction of thinking that you're succeeding?

 

And I have to wonder - is that why you're asking this question in the first place? Are you feeling frustrated that you didn't get the reaction you wanted when you spilled the beans? What did you think was going to happen? That she would kick him out and you could have him all to yourself?

 

Back to your question, she may choose to deal with his betrayal in any number of ways, including pretending like it never happened and moving on. Another possibility is that her initial reaction is to preserve her marriage at all costs, but later when the act of betrayal sinks in, she may experience delayed hurt and anger. Or, as I already suggested, she may be raking him over the coals but you might not be able to see that because they're keeping it under wraps.

 

No matter, it seems that she's not ready to give up on her marriage yet. This may be culturally motivated, with her perhaps losing face if she made a big deal about his affair to the family. And if they have kids, the statistics show it's very unlikely that he'd leave her anyway.

[anotherother24]

Yeah, that's kind of what I think...I mean, whats she going to say? I'm so upset, we're fighting etc. I guess I couldn't expect that...

 

Honestly, I am a little frustrated. I know it's pathetic but it's the truth. I did hope in some small way that she would kick him out. I was pretty sure she would actually. I knew he was too scared to leave her so I thought maybe if I did that, it would push him...I don't know what I was thinking..but I was so wrong. I'm almost positive part of the reason she is still there is because she knows where he would go if she left him.....and I even heard her tell him that she doesn't want him to leave her for someone else and she's only there to make him miserable....and he doesn't want to leave his children so he won't make a move either.

 

I'm thinking if anything, like you said, she might be trying to "win" and save her marriage now however possible, but it might sink in later when things have calmed down, and when she's sure I'm gone, she might have a different plan in mind, but I guess theres no way to know for sure.

 

 

Well, I don't know anything about Egyptian culture, but...

 

I'm not at all surprised that his wife doesn't let her guard down with you. She may be feeling a lot of things, but I imagine the last thing she'd do is let the OW know that she's hurting or angry. She probably views you as trying to destroy her marriage and steal her husband, so why give you the satisfaction of thinking that you're succeeding?

 

And I have to wonder - is that why you're asking this question in the first place? Are you feeling frustrated that you didn't get the reaction you wanted when you spilled the beans? What did you think was going to happen? That she would kick him out and you could have him all to yourself?

 

Back to your question, she may choose to deal with his betrayal in any number of ways, including pretending like it never happened and moving on. Another possibility is that her initial reaction is to preserve her marriage at all costs, but later when the act of betrayal sinks in, she may experience delayed hurt and anger. Or, as I already suggested, she may be raking him over the coals but you might not be able to see that because they're keeping it under wraps.

 

No matter, it seems that she's not ready to give up on her marriage yet. This may be culturally motivated, with her perhaps losing face if she made a big deal about his affair to the family. And if they have kids, the statistics show it's very unlikely that he'd leave her anyway.

[michaelk]

But you must realize this is a no-win situation for you. Had you not said anything, your affair would have continued as it was, because it seems he was not motivated enough to leave his family for you. And now that you have said something, you've thrown him right into the fire, so not only is he going to focus back on fixing his marriage, he's probably pretty pissed at you for doing it.

 

Wayward spouses want to re-create that time in their lives before they got married and had kids. They want to experience being 'in love' again. But it can't be the same because they don't have the freedom they once did. They now have family obligations and a long history with their existing spouse. And trying to ignore that and recapture that earlier time just causes pain and confusion for everyone involved.

[Sleeplesstoo]

I know this sounds ridiculous and maybe even none of my business but I can't help it.

 

Do you all think it's possible for a wife to not be upset over her husband having a year long affair? and do you think most people could forgive it easily? For me, I don't think I would be able to forgive it easily...but I was in a relationship with a MM...and basically, I ended up telling his W about it. She already basically knew but I confirmed it to her. Anyways, whats driving me crazy is that she acts like she doesn't care and that she forgives him automatically....he told me she hates him...and she calls and cusses me out and tells me he loves her and would never look at another woman.

 

Is she just trying to throw me off? or make me think she doesn't care? I mean, she's seen the phone bills of us talking for hours...and he even admitted once to taking me out to dinner...and I've heard her fighting with him before...upset over it..but to me..she LAUGHS at me...like I'm crazy...and she could care less. I just can't understand how....Is it just a front so I don't see her upset? so I think everythings perfect with them? or could she really be okay with this?!?

 

.....and would it matter if they are from egypt? is cheating any different there than it is in the US? She told me his family would be VERY upset if they found out about this, but yet she claims she is okay with it?

Before you go any further with your wonderings, I think you may need to aquint yourself with Eqyption marriage customs. It is quite possible that this man is in an arranged marriage or something similar.

 

It is hard to understand the feelings and motivations of someone who has a very different cultural view of marriage then those of us in the West do, so I would suggest you start by educating yourself on the differences. Then the next thing you might want to think about is what implications those differences have for you.

 

I am not passing judgement on your situation as I do not know enough about it to do so, but I can tell you cultural differences are sometimes mightily hard to overcome if you are looking for something long term with this man.

[anotherother24]

Before you go any further with your wonderings, I think you may need to aquint yourself with Eqyption marriage customs. It is quite possible that this man is in an arranged marriage or something similar.

 

It is hard to understand the feelings and motivations of someone who has a very different cultural view of marriage then those of us in the West do, so I would suggest you start by educating yourself on the differences. Then the next thing you might want to think about is what implications those differences have for you.

 

I am not passing judgement on your situation as I do not know enough about it to do so, but I can tell you cultural differences are sometimes mightily hard to overcome if you are looking for something long term with this man.

 

I believe he is sort of in an arranged marriage, not positive but he did mention that they didn't know each other long and his mother was pressuring him to get married, and that if they hadn't left egypt they probably wouldn't of stayed married long. Do you have any suggestions where I might find some information on this? That is part of my problem, because of the cultural differences, I don't know if that makes a big difference or how they view these types of things.....I don't completely understand their marriage and how it's viewed or if it's even the same at all as it is here....any idea what i could search for on google or something like that?

[norajane]

I knew he was too scared to leave her so I thought maybe if I did that, it would push him...I don't know what I was thinking..but I was so wrong

 

Actually, I don't know how much it matters what Egyptian marriage customs are.

 

What matters most, is that he is not leaving her of his own choice. That's really all you need to know, isn't it?

[anotherother24]

Actually, I don't know how much it matters what Egyptian marriage customs are.

 

What matters most, is that he is not leaving her of his own choice. That's really all you need to know, isn't it?

 

 

Yeah, basically....I guess that's true. I'm wasting my time educating myself on something, when I should be concentrating on other things. It's just hard for me to forget.... he did tell me he will not leave her...he says he will lose too much, his kids mainly, and that she has to be the one to leave him, and she had planned to, but as soon as she found out about me and him(before i told her) , she didn't want to leave him with anyone else, to be happy....

[PinkRibbon]

I know this sounds ridiculous and maybe even none of my business but I can't help it.

 

Do you all think it's possible for a wife to not be upset over her husband having a year long affair? and do you think most people could forgive it easily? For me, I don't think I would be able to forgive it easily...but I was in a relationship with a MM...and basically, I ended up telling his W about it. She already basically knew but I confirmed it to her. Anyways, whats driving me crazy is that she acts like she doesn't care and that she forgives him automatically....he told me she hates him...and she calls and cusses me out and tells me he loves her and would never look at another woman.

 

Is she just trying to throw me off? or make me think she doesn't care? I mean, she's seen the phone bills of us talking for hours...and he even admitted once to taking me out to dinner...and I've heard her fighting with him before...upset over it..but to me..she LAUGHS at me...like I'm crazy...and she could care less. I just can't understand how....Is it just a front so I don't see her upset? so I think everythings perfect with them? or could she really be okay with this?!?

 

.....and would it matter if they are from egypt? is cheating any different there than it is in the US? She told me his family would be VERY upset if they found out about this, but yet she claims she is okay with it?

 

First of all why in the world would you go would with a married man? Are there not enough men in the world that you can't find a single one you have to date a married man? And even if he chased you it is still wrong to engage in an affair with a married man REGARDLESS of their home situation. I don't understand people like you. You want us to feel sorry for you because his wife is getting the upperhand with you. Well I don't I am glad.

[Sleeplesstoo]

First of all why in the world would you go would with a married man? Are there not enough men in the world that you can't find a single one you have to date a married man? And even if he chased you it is still wrong to engage in an affair with a married man REGARDLESS of their home situation. I don't understand people like you. You want us to feel sorry for you because his wife is getting the upperhand with you. Well I don't I am glad.

 

PinkRibbon, of course that is the million dollar question and this forum is full of people who have made that choice. The reason I gave her the advise I did is because now we are dealing with the old "locking the barn door, after the horse has run away". She is in this thing. She is committed enough in her heart and mind (I guess or maybe it's just physical attraction), to be here asking these questions, so it's already happened and that is what has to be dealt with.

 

To answer your question Another, I would Google "Egyption Marriage Customs" and read all I can. Sometimes plain old fashioned knowledge will take you away from where you are, to where you need to be. The mind may bring the heart to it's senses. Marriages for the most part have lousy track records with a 50% divorce rate in this country, affairs have an even worse track record, and you add to that some major cultural differences and you see where this is going. I don't know, he may be Islamic. In that culture they literally "stone" women to death for what you have done. I'm not saying he would do that, but I am saying that coming from that culture he has certainly been exposed to that mindset. Women have no rights under Islamic law, cannot go unescorted, have to cover completely up. Even if all of this were to work out with this man, that could be your potential life, or at least some form of that. Can you even begin to imagine what a life like that would be. Since you cheated with him, he would not trust you, and that would be even more dangerous for you.

 

As an American woman any form of that just should not fly. Is he willing to sleep with you, yes, of course. Does he respect you as an equal, I doubt it. Not because you are the "other woman" but maybe just because you are a woman. You need to think about that. As I see it your problem is multi-dimentional, and very much a problem even if you remove the element of adultery. So please think about that.

 

If you won't stop seeing him, please do this. Talk to him and find out how he really feels about women, what his religious and cultural beliefs are, and remember he is probably going to tell you what you want to hear, so you are going to have to be smart about it. Then I think you should run like the wind!!!

 

I know a lot of people are going to preach to you about the morality of adultery. You are a big girl so you don't need me to preach to you about that. What I am trying to do is make you realize the implications of what you seem to want to get involved with. IMO it is just not worth giving up all of who you are, the rights you have as an individual, and your own autonomy just to have a "man in your bed".

 

As PinkRibbon said there are a lot of single men out there. I'm not trying to be hard on you, but if you didn't want some help you would not have posted. I am giving you an opinion as an uninvolved observer, and while what I have said may be completely off the mark, just from what you have told me, it is a very real possibility. So please think with your head and not the other parts of your body, and for God's sake, please be careful!!