Dysfunctional Daughter Parent relationship

[oak359]

My sister is 45, single, unemployed, and dependent on my parents. My parents are in their mid-70's and they support my sister by giving her money and a place to stay (they own an apartment complex).

 

My sister has been diagnosed with mild depression and she seems to use this as an excuse not to get a job. She attends counseling with a psychologist and has been for over 10 years. I do not think her condition has improved.

 

She is certainly capable and intelligent enough to qualify for work but is not ambitious or motivated enough to get employed and become financially independent. She has not worked for over 10 years. I think she's a bum. She volunteers her time time at a local school for no pay. At least she does that. I don't understand why she is unwilling to find work. I've asked her before and she will always come up with some excuse or another.

 

I honestly do not know what her issues or problems are as I have not wanted to get involved. Anytime I have said anything she gets very defensive or clams up. I cannot talk to her.

 

I have suggested that my parents and sister attend counseling. Can anyone sugget what type of counselor they should see? I tried searching the web but I do not knopw what search terms to use. Is their a term for this situation with my parents and sister's relationship/condition? Thanks for your time and help.

 

Frustrated Brother

[Ronni_W]

My sister is ...a bum.

 

You don't mention if your PARENTS and/or your SISTER are upset by the situation?

 

Regardless, the best you can do for yourself is to understand why the situation is so frustrating to you, why you feel in a position to judge your sister "a bum", and how you can detach from being so invested in how the rest of them are living their lives.

 

It's not easy but finding your peace of mind is more about making things okay within yourself than trying to change others or make them see what you perceive as "wrong" in their lives. Best of luck.

[oak359]

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. Yes, my parents are very frustrated with my sister. And, yes, they are both upset with the situation. My parents cannot speak to my sister without her getting defensive. Know that my mother and father both want my sister to be independent and self-sufficient since they won't always be there to take care of my sister. My Dad recently asked my sister what her plans were for next year in terms of standing on her own feet. "What are your resolutions for next year?" they asked. She replied "What are yours?". My parents have the best intentions but they are worried that if they cut her off she will be "out on the streets".

 

My sister also does not like the siuation that she is in, but, as I said, is always making excuses or reasons for why she should not take positions of responsibility. She has a low self-esteem and is self-defeating. She has had opportunities for various forms of employment from various friends of the family and she tells them that she's "interested" but never follows through. This has happened on at least three separate occassions. I honestly beleive she is fearful of working and avoids having to subject herself to interviews and criticism of people by "working" on perfecting her resume for months and by then the position is filled.

 

I try to detach my self from how they live their lives but it is an emotional and financial drain on my parents. And since they are my parents, I have to hear about it all the time. For example, right now they are not talking to one another and I have been asked to be the "messenger". Since I am family, this is not a situation that I can avoid completely.

 

This posting was an inquiry as to what sort of professional help my family should look in to. If anyone has suggestions, please reply. Thank you!

[Ronni_W]

Hypnotherapy can work very well to increase self-esteem as well as overcome fears, self-defeating habits and thought patterns, etc. Also psychotherapy (talk therapy) could prove useful.

 

My mom is also in her mid-70s. Much tougher for that age group to start changing their habitual patterns and ways of relating to others. It needs a "tough love" approach...not to "cut out" your sister but to set new boundaries of the limits to their willingness to help her become emotionally and financially independent.

Some way that you can help them see that they're actually doing your sister a disservice if they continue to just support her self-defeating ways?

 

You could also set boundaries around not being a "messenger" for them. It will at least change one dynamic in the family pattern, which often forces the other co-dependents into at least one new action or way of doing something. Best of luck.

Edited December 27, 2007 by Ronni_W

[Angelina Nisse]

Your parents would not be in the situation, if they didn't WANT to be. More likely as not, THEY are the reason she isn't self-supporting: after all, why should she work, when they're footing her bills?

Of course they complain to you. They want sympathy.

I'd just stay out of it and live my own life.