How do you cope?

[Lyssa]

I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and the rest of the family. How are you doing tonight/today?

 

Thank you, Riddler. I really appreciate it.

 

I am doing okay so far. I thought I could go a day without crying but I broke down and cried after my grand-uncle and W came to visit. I woke up this morning, looking for her... in some ways, I feel like it is a dream or she's on a long vacation... it hasn't really sinked in. I know I have said that before... but I really just don't feel like she's really gone. I know she's in my heart and I'm keeping her alive in my heart... I just don't know if I could stay strong when I finally realise that she is gone and not coming back...

[Lyssa]

Hey Lyssa,

 

Sorry to hear about the loss. I offer my condolences.

 

How did I cope... I just continued to live life as it is; live the best memories and remember that they are at a better place.

 

It is time to just rest. One other thing I've done was to do something that I resisted (because I didn't want to) that the other person wanted; just to grant a last wish.

 

JB, thank you for your condolences.

 

I agree that that's the way to cope. I went out for dinner with my family just now and we talked about how happy my late mother would be to see us - laughing and just not being depress or sad but when the time comes for me to go home... I'd start feeling sad and lonely... not having my mother greeting me at the door... etc.

[Lyssa]

I'm thinking about my late mother. How much she is loved by many of us. News of her demise spread like wild fire. My brothers' primary, secondary and university friends called, texted... so did mine. Everyone said the same thing - she was an amazing woman. Loving and caring. Always put everyone else before her. Yup - that's my mother.

 

Even when she was having the flu, she'd wake up in the morning - prepared breakfast for all of us. Always made sure I had something to eat before I go to work. Yes, I was pampered by her... but she taught me everything a young woman should know about household. We are blessed in so many ways and yet, she always made sure I know how to cook and look after a husband like she did. I would be very happy to be half the person that she was.

 

The day before she left, she told my aunt that she was worried about me. She wasn't worried about me not settling down because she knew that I am happy now. Happier than I have ever been in a long time... she was just worried that she'd never get to see me get married. I believe that is the only wish of hers that she didn't live to see. Every time I replay the conversation I had with my aunt about that and other things, I'd start crying because... I want her with me.. when my wedding day comes... and I know, I know she will be there... but I wish she'd be there in a flesh... to watch me get ready... to see me walk down the aisle.

 

When she was alive, I would call at least twice a day from work to check up on her and father. Just to chit-chat for a bit till I get home to be with them. Yes I live with my parents and yes, I call them every day! There isn't anything about me that my mother didn't know. If you want to share your secrets, my mother is the one you would want to share it with! I know for a fact that she brought my secrets with her to the grave. She has never said anything bad about anyone. No matter how rude a person is to her, she said nothing of it. She has never had an ill thought of anyone... always offering help to everyone around her. She wasn't judgmental. No way! She would talk to anyone... did not matter to her if a person is from a lower class. She treated our maid like she was one of her siblings.... God I miss her sooo much.....

[carrotgirl]

Lyssa, sounds like our moms were raised on the same principle of respect. I'll PM you with particulars about wedding stuff and employee stuff and worries and hopes.

 

But regarding our household help - oh yah. Much the same. Our staff weren't just treated like friends and equals. They WERE friends and equals who just happened to be in Mom's employ.

 

Mom's theory was that if one worked, we ALL worked. If Miss. G needed to clean our rooms, Mom made sure we cleaned our rooms FIRST 1. so Miss. G wouldn't have to work too hard and 2. so that we would appreciate how much nicer and cleaner Miss. G made our things even when we cleaned them first. When Miss. L was washing floors, Mom put on her work clothes and washed floors as well.

 

On days when Mom was home, she would make everyone (herself and the staff) lunch and then she would serve the lunch, not the other way around.

I learned so much from this that I use every day in my not remotely related to household work!

 

{{{hug}}}}

Carrot

[Lyssa]

Wow Carrot! Your mother sounds just like my mother!

 

Do you think they are in heaven right now having drinks together? *smile*

 

They would get along perfectly - having such big hearts. I can really relate to everything you have said about your mother and all in your PM. Will write to you soon!

 

Thank you so much, Carrot for your comforting words. Thank you for sharing your stories - it has helped me a lot. It's good to know that there are good souls out there. Your mother is definitely proud of you and I am sure she's smiling down from heaven to have a daughter like you.

 

[[[[Carrot]]]]

[Lyssa]

Today is the 22nd day my mother left us. I was told that it will take some time to recover from my loss - which is true. I can't say I have fully recovered, I have no idea when I will recover from it - all I know is not to rush it.

 

I miss our mother-daughter talks. I miss having her around. I miss her cooking. For the past few weeks, my father and I have been eating out. We tried new restaurants, ordered dishes that my mother loved cooking for us... and of course, they all don't taste the same. The closest I can get to my mother's cooking would be to drive all the way to my mother's hometown - 3 1/2 hrs - my aunt's cooking is almost the same. Can't be doing that every day! Not even every week. I have mastered her cooking skills but again, it isn't the same.

 

2 days ago, I dreamed of my late mother. Laughing with the rest of us at home. It was picture perfect - something we all miss very much.

 

I miss you so much, mummy!

[marlena]

Lyssa,

 

I just stumbled onto your thread. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am for your devastating loss.

 

I have no words of wisdom to impart. I don't think anything anyone says can ease your pain. I know.

 

I lost both parents within 5 months of eachother three years ago.

 

My father had had a stroke just like that out of the blue. My mother fell to pieces. She would say that she had lost the universe ...over and over again. she went into deep depression and her will to live was gone. We , my three siblings and I, had time to in a sense to prepare for my father's loss. He was deteriorating fast and it broke our herats to see him go from an active,strong,powerful man to just a relic of a himslef. Then, one fatal day, my mother gave up and decided to leave before my father. She was in my home and I was the first to find her in the morning. I went into deep shock screaming my head off in hysterics for hours. Nobody expected her to go first. While we had our attention turned to my Dad, she fooled us all and paved the way for my father to follow. Three months later he, too, left us to be with my mother. They loved eachother very much and were together for 60 years. A double loss for all of us. Nothing could console or comfort me. NOTHING.

 

I have never been the same person again. Their leaving has changed me as a person. Life just isn't what it used to be. I feel bereft and in many ways abandonned. It is a very scary feeling.

 

I don't thnk the pain ever goes away. It's still their for me with every breath I take. I expect the phone to ring any minute and hear their voices. Everything reminds me of them. Like you said, her crockery, her favourite TV show, her hair dye everything. I still find things of hers lying around and my heart bleeds.

 

Their words of wisdom always come back to me. I listento their counsel even today.

 

Lyssa, the pain does subside but it is ALWAYS there - a constant dull aching in your heart.

 

I feel my parents in me - I carry their genes - I am an extension of them. I am becoming more and more like my mother. I feel things they way I know she would feel them. When I am in a situation, I now what advice they would give me and I hold that dear to me.

 

In that sense, they are not dead at all. They live through me, through my daughter and my grandchildren if I am blessed to have any.

 

Yes, talking about them helps. Keeping their memory alive helps. Being with people who knew them and loved them helps. And time, of course.

 

My thoughts will be with you, Lyssa.

[Lyssa]

Marlena,

 

Thank you very much for your post. I am so sorry for your loss. It's hard enough that I lost one, I can't imagine having to lose both my parents! The pain that you went through must have been indescribable as that is exactly how I feel right now.

 

Your post made me think of my mother so much that I couldn't stop crying - also, it really touched me and I feel for you, Marlena. We are never ready when it comes to losing the ones we love, especially our parents. Even when one is in the hospital, more often than not - we are not fully prepared.

 

I don't know if I am coping very well - I still cry when I think about her, there are times where I think about her and that makes me smile - her voice, the silliness in her at times - thinking of that makes me smile but at the same time, it makes me sad that I will never experience that ever again. Her advice on career, relationships/married life, friendships - they are all close to my heart - whenever I am in a situation, I hear her voice telling me how to deal with it but never on how to deal with my loss. Don't know if that makes any sense.

 

Most of my friends say that I am not myself most of the time, I am not surprised by that and in some ways, my mother's passing has changed me. I have learned a lot from it.

 

When I read those who have replied to this thread - especially those who have had the experience of losing their loved ones, it really helps. In the beginning, what I wanted was ways to cope but I realised it all depends on me because different people cope differently just as they grieve in different ways. What I think is helping me is to read about posters who have had the experiences - like you, Carrotgirl and a few others - I feel that I can relate to them and vice versa.

 

Thank you, Marlena - it really helps to talk about her. The loss of our mother has brought us siblings and also my father closer than ever - we will keep her memories alive with us.

 

[[[[Marlena]]]]

Edited January 12, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[johnnyj]

Even when she was having the flu, she'd wake up in the morning - prepared breakfast for all of us. Always made sure I had something to eat before I go to work. Yes, I was pampered by her... but she taught me everything a young woman should know about household. We are blessed in so many ways and yet, she always made sure I know how to cook and look after a husband like she did. I would be very happy to be half the person that she was.

 

Sorry for the loss of your beloved mother, and God bless her soul. My condolences. I was touched by your story and what happened. That is very sad. I lost my father years ago and it was horrible. But a mother, that's even harder I think. But your mother is not gone or "dead", she is alive you just can't see her right now but she is with you. As time goes on, you will not be so traumatized and feeling like this. Then one day you and I and all the people on this board will be in the same place together with your mom and my dad.

 

Take care.

[marlena]

Yes, sweet Lyssa,

 

Wipe away your tears, Lyssa. She is not really gone. You still hear and see her but in a different way.

 

You're mother resides within you. Have no doubt of that. She speaks to you each and every moment you breathe. Physically she is alive through you and your siblings. Emotionally she is alive in your hearts. Find comfort in knowing this.

 

You were very fortunate (as was I) to have such an inspiring mother. So talk to her , embrace her in her new dimension, be there for her as she still is there for you.

 

Also, talk about her to others. By doing this, you keep her memory alive. Her words and all that she taught you will guide you for the rest of your days. Rejoice in that and hold the gift of her dear to your heart.

 

You can not rid yourself of the sadness but you can learn to embrace it in a different, more positive way. She expects this of you. She would want you to be strong and happy. By doing this, you will allow her to rest in peace.

 

Marlena

[Lishy]

Oh Lyssa I am so sorry you lost your wonderful mummy!

 

I too lost my father 2 years ago and it happened out of the blue - He was fine one day and the next he felt unwell so we took him to the hospital and walked out without him a few hours later! It was such a shock and through it all I had to cope with my mum and sister going to pieces, I had to hold it all together for all of us and do what was neccessary.

 

Then a year later my mum had a stroke as she was not looking after herself properly. When me and my sis were in the ambulance with its lights flashing and going through red lights we thought we were going to be walking out of that hospital without her, just like dad. We prayed like crazy (I am not religious at all) and we took her home and now she looks better and is fitter than ever!

 

2 years later I still miss my daddy, I miss his silly jokes, his grumpy moans about trivial things, the way he played with my son and most of all his presence in person. I can still hear his voice and his laugh and will never forget it. I could not put any pictures of him on my walls until very recently as I would get so upset looking at his smile and knowing I would never see it again.

 

The only advice I can offer you is that time is the best healer, its an old saying but it is SO true! As time goes on you feel less distraught and you can smile at things that made you cry in the early days.

 

I had a wonderful dream about my dad and his mum and dad just last night. I would have cried a while ago but it has made me feel happy. You cannot expect to heal right now Lyssa, you need to grieve first and dont be shy to cry whenever you feel the need, holding it in makes you worse, trust me on that!

 

Time Lyssa, time!

 

You will be fine my love xx

[JosieMcCoy]

I am so sorry

[k10k]

Hi Lyssa,

 

Please know that my thoughts are with you during this difficult time. I too can relate to how it feels.

 

Ten years ago my father and brother passed away in a car accident. It was a tough time for my mom and I but we have come along way since then.

 

It is so true what you say, we all deal with our grief in our own way. I was never sure as to whether or not I was coping or dealing with my grief in the "right way" - sometimes it all felt so confusing..but in the end the pain became more bearable and I knew that I would be okay.

 

I take comfort in knowing that they will always be a part of me and I carry them with me in my heart. My brother was such a loving and wonderful person and my dad was a pillar of strength and would do anything for us. I'm blessed to have had them as part of my life while growing up and I will treasure them forever.

 

Best wishes to you and your family x0x

[Lyssa]

Johnnyj - Thank you. I'm sorry for your loss, Johnny. For it to be horrible, you must have been close to your father?

 

I don't know which is harder because I have only lost a mother and that was very hard enough for me - I was very very close to her. She carried me for more than 9 months, was in pain (apparently, I didn't want to leave her ) - the most painful labour she had out of 4 of her children - so I see that as there was an extraordinary connection with my late mother. I am very close to my father as well. I am the youngest and the only girl - I am spoiled and pampered by him and if and when the day comes for him to go - it would be just as hard!

 

Marlena - Thank you! Just last night, my father and I went to my brother's for dinner. We had a good talk about my late mother and I told them about how wonderful people of LS have been to me. I told them some of the things that have been said on here - how we should talk more about her to keep her alive within us - it was emotional but at the same time, it was filled with laughter - just talking about the things she used to do etc.

 

Lishy - Hi. I'm sorry to hear about your father's passing 2 years ago. I'm glad that your mother came out stronger than ever! That is something you all must have been very thankful for even up till now.

 

Like you, I am staying strong and holding it together for my father. Before my mother passed away, it was just the 3 of us at home.

 

They spent time together - went out when I was at work, they shared a passion in gardening so they did a lot of that in the late afternoon, tried new cafes/restaurants - now that she has passed on, my father is having a difficult time dealing with it. I know that it is harder for him because they were together for almost 40 years and before she left, they had been talking and laughing, planning to do so many other things together - and just a day after - she left us. He was and still is very distraught.

 

Gee whizz! Yes, I miss her silly jokes - not much of a joker, unlike my father but she was quite silly! - I actually miss her nagging about buying too many clothes/shoes and other small things. I am dreading my birthday this year as her birthday is one day before mine and we always celebrate them together...

 

Josie - Thank you.

 

K10K - Thank you, K10K. It must have been very difficult for you and your mother to have lost both at the same time.

 

Yes! I am not sure if I am coping or not - I am quite confused about it as I have never lost a family member before - I have lost a childhood best friend few years ago but that was different.

 

I have mentioned earlier that there comes a time where I am feeling better but hours later, I would break down and cry.

 

Every time I turn the corner towards my house, I feel the emptiness in me - knowing that my late mother wouldn't be at the door as I get out of the car... I don't know if I want that feeling to go away...

 

Is it right to feel this way?

[Lishy]

Lyssa you have to realise that however you feel at any time is right! Grief is very individual and the worst thing you can do is not allow yourself to 'feel'.

 

I remember getting really really angry at my dad for leaving us, I mean really angry! I was cursing him in my head and screaming 'how dare you just leave us like that with no warning HOW DARE YOU!' I was genuinly angry with my dead dad! I did not think that was normal at all, but I have since spoken to many people who did the self same thing!

 

My forst christmas without my dad was awful, I really wanted to buy him a present as I saw so many things he would love!

 

We do very strange things in grief and it is all normal, because its the way we deal with it!

 

I know you will be fine honey as you have a wonderful daddy and brother to help you when you feel awful

 

Take care of you Lyssa,

 

Oh and I must add that in your grief you have still found the time to acknowledge everyone who has replied to you and the compassion you have shown to everyone else in your own time of raw grief just shows how special your mummy was, she gave birth to, and raised a wonderful daughter!

[Always Wrong]

Lyssa! I know, I know, I know how bad you feel. I am crying again!

 

I just got up, saw Lishys' post in this section (I tend to read posts by people I recognize). I only joined LS right about when you lost you mom, so I didn't catch up with your loss until now, I'm so sorry.

 

I can't tell you how to feel better, noone can. But knowing what the natural course of events is sure did wonders for me.

 

I lost my father in 1995. I went numb. I was in shock... disbelief.

 

I didn't cry! Thats strange I thought... not crying.

 

I always thought I would be in a puddle when he passed on, but I wasn't, and that was bad... very, very bad. I went into a tailspin I won't go into now.

 

The fact that you are crying is good. You have already reached a milestone toward acceptance, and that is where you want to be... in acceptance.

 

There are five stages to getting through this.

 

Shock... disbelief... anger... grief... and finally acceptance.

 

Not everyone gets mad or angry right then. A little for me, after acceptance.

 

But you must pass through grief before you can get to acceptance! And God is being there for you... helping you get there. I had lost my faith, so God didn't help me out.

 

It wasn't until I got some faith back, that I was able to griev at his grave.

 

Grief is the final step before acceptance. You must griev, and you are doing so, and believe it or not that is a good thing.

 

While you are crying, off and on, you will ask yourself whats so good about this!

 

I didn't cry for ten years! I carried it around for ten years! Aaaaaagh!

 

So go ahead and cry your eyes out. Your journey is going to be shorter for it.

 

My heart goes out to you. I know I'm going to float away when I lose my mother.

 

So cry with love in your heart. It's a very good thing.

 

I'm thinking of you. Always Wrong... except for now.

[k10k]

I am not sure if I am coping or not - I am quite confused about it as I have never lost a family member before

 

What I learned was that although it was confusing, everything you feel during bereavement is normal, there is no right way or wrong way to grieve - but as Lishy says, just make sure you allow yourself to feel and don't bottle anything up.

 

Take comfort in knowing that you will be okay, that you are coping in your own way, and that you can always seek help if you need it. You are lucky to have your family with you and spending time with them, remembering the good memories and talking more is so great.

[marlena]

I remember getting really really angry at my dad for leaving us, I mean really angry!

 

Yes, I, too, was angry.

 

Angry at my father for having a stroke and extinguishing my mother's universe as she would constantly say. Angry at my mother who died while I was sleeping in the next room. Angry at myself for not preventing her death. Angry at whoever makes people die.

 

And the guilt. For the things I said, the things I didn't say.

 

And the dreams. Practically every night for two long years.

 

Until ever so subtly, I started remembering the good things. The good times. My mother rubbing me down with alcohol when I was down with the flu. The time she peirced my ears and bought me my first gold earrings. Her spinach pies. My Dad's lugging in the hugest Christmas tree he could find for us kids every Christmas. His teaching me how to waltz. The smile on their faces when they handed me a check to a buy a house. And then a car. Their support during my divorce. My father's really bad jokes.

 

I had begun to heal.

 

Today, an hour doesn't go by without my thinking of them. And I smile.

[Always Wrong]

http://www.kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/emotions/someone_died.html

 

This is a very good article!

[Lishy]

Wow I forgot the guilt! OMG the guilt ate me up over the silliest thing, when my dad was in the hospital they asked me to leave the room as they had to put a tube down his neck and they said it could be messy, so as I left that little space with the curtains drawn I kissed my dad and said I would see him soon and I asked if he was ok and did he know what they were going to do and why, he said yes and smiled at me - I went to say "I love you dad" but I didn't as I didn't want to scare him - I never spoke to my dad after that ....... the guilt I felt for not saying "I love you" has stayed with me ever since! Why didn't I just say it? It was my last chance and I didn't take it!

 

No one has ever understood why I felt so bad about that!

[Lyssa]

I was angry too! At that time, when they pronounced her dead - I cried... and I looked at my mother and I was screaming in my head "How could you leave me... daddy.. and my brothers??!!" - then I cried uncontrollably because I felt guilty for being angry! I'm sure she didn't ask to die so suddenly and there I was, angry at her... while she looked so peaceful. Oh and yes, the part about leaving without a warning...

 

It is known that a person can sense when their time is up. They'll say the weirdest things or do things they don't normally do etc. I'm not sure if I mentioned this in my previous posts here but on the day of the wedding, my mother went into my grandmother's room and asked for my grandmother to forgive her - if she had done or said anything to hurt my grandmother's feelings. My grandmother was dumbstruck and said "don't be silly, you've done nothing wrong!" - my grandmother sensed something was not right.

 

Later in the car, my aunt said my mother was extremely quiet (which is weird because my mother loved to talk) and was looking out the window, just staring. The only thing my mother had told my aunt was that she wasn't sure if she'd get to see me on my wedding day and she wanted that so much.

 

I found out about this on the 3rd day of her demise. I cried and cried... and cried. I wasn't even up for the 'tahlil' we held for her but I sucked it up and went down. I cried because I wasn't given a sign or warning by her. Neither did my dad. My brothers - nothing.

 

It may seem nothing but in my culture, it's just how it is... I can't quite explain it but I've heard a lot about things like this happening and it was a shock to me that my mother did that... it was like, she knew she was leaving us.. for good.

[Lyssa]

Lishy - I actually thought I was going crazy because for the first week, I was crying like mad! Then come 2nd week, I cried about a day or two then I'd laugh at everything. I caught myself smiling all of a sudden thinking about my mother... then I'd feel angry at her for leaving me... it was crazy! But like you said, we do strange things in time of grieving.. A week after, I went shopping with a friend - when I think about that, I feel guilty... how could have I gone shopping just a week after my mother passed away?? Right this minute I'm thinking... it made me feel better at that time to shop... maybe that was one of my many ways to grief?

 

It must have been really awful to celebrate Christmas without your father for the first time... I feel like I can actually feel how awful it was for you. Thinking about my first Ramadhan this year without her... Eid Mubarak - no more cooking our specialties together... our birthdays.. just a day apart.... I know for sure it will be very hard for all of us when those days arrive....

 

Thank you for your kind words, Lishy. My mother was and still is a special woman to me!

 

Always Wrong - Thank you for taking your time to reply! I really appreciate it. The stages you mentioned... I have it all... mixed up! I was shocked and yes, disbelief. Then I got angry.. I cried... I was so sad then when I had to tell my relatives and friends about it - I fell back into shock... because it was so sudden and in my head, I keep saying "is this for real?? mummy is gone.... really???" - I am still asking myself that sometimes!

 

At times I feel I have accepted it but when I see her clothes, belongings... I feel as if she's on a long vacation... I don't know if this makes sense to everyone else here... but yes, that is how I feel. Now and then.

 

Thank you sooo much for the link. I couldn't stop myself from crying. It's good to know where I am coming from with all these mixed emotions.

 

K10K - You got that right - there's no wrong or right in the way I am feeling. Thank you.

 

Marlena - Your parents must have been a great couple.

 

Yes, the guilt again - there is so many things that I wanted to tell her... I wanted to tell her at the wedding, what I did that afternoon after we left her and dad at my grandmother's.

 

On the day of the wedding, before my siblings and I left my grandmother's, I hugged my mother and told her - I love you, mummy - and I pinched her cheeks playfully... not knowing that was the last time...

 

I don't know how I feel about that... part of me feel happy that I got to tell her but another part of me - sad that I won't be able to do that.. ever again.

[marlena]

But like you said, we do strange things in time of grieving.. A week after, I went shopping with a friend - when I think about that, I feel guilty...

 

Two weeks after my mom died, I made love to the guy I had been dating for a month. I felt soooooooo guilty afterwards. I have spoken to a lot of friends about this. My best friend said that the very same day her father died, she needed to make love to her husband more than ever. I, also, asked a widower friend of mine and he said that after his wife died he had very strong sexual urges.

 

The need for the reaffirmation of life in the face of death. A yin and yang sort of thing, perhaps.

[Always Wrong]

You're so very welcome lyssa.

 

And you are truly amazing responding to everyone in your time of loss.

 

It's not any easy journey, I'm sure. I just hope I'm doing half as good as you are, when I lose my mother. It's gonna be rough.

 

Hang in there. We're all here for you.

[marlena]

Yes, Lyssa, it is incredible how you answer to each and everyone of us seperately. I hope you are feeling a bit better.