How do you cope?

[Lyssa]

Two weeks after my mom died, I made love to the guy I had been dating for a month. I felt soooooooo guilty afterwards. I have spoken to a lot of friends about this. My best friend said that the very same day her father died, she needed to make love to her husband more than ever. I, also, asked a widower friend of mine and he said that after his wife died he had very strong sexual urges.

 

The need for the reaffirmation of life in the face of death. A yin and yang sort of thing, perhaps.

 

Hmmmm... I think I was a bit horny 4 days later but did nothing about it . It would have been a different story if BF was around! Thank goodness he's miles away!

 

You're so very welcome lyssa.

 

And you are truly amazing responding to everyone in your time of loss.

 

It's not any easy journey, I'm sure. I just hope I'm doing half as good as you are, when I lose my mother. It's gonna be rough.

 

Hang in there. We're all here for you.

 

Yes, Lyssa, it is incredible how you answer to each and everyone of us seperately. I hope you are feeling a bit better.

 

Thank you, Always Wrong and Marlena - I think it's only fair that I acknowledge everyone because you guys took time to reply to me. It's my way of showing my appreciation.

 

I am feeling a bit better, thanks to all of you

[Leia]

I am so sorry for your loss, Lyssa. It's a toughie. Hang in there!!!!!

[Lyssa]

I am so sorry for your loss, Lyssa. It's a toughie. Hang in there!!!!!

 

Thank you, Leia and I am hanging in there.... trying very hard!

[Lyssa]

It's 02:14 and I can't sleep. I miss my mother very much. I have been looking for her shawl that I have misplaced recently! I can't find it and I am going out of my mind trying to remember where I last put or saw it. It's a beautiful shawl - black with embroideries on it. I wore it during the burial and also during all the 'tahlils' we held for her and now I have no friggin' idea where it is!!

 

On the 30th would be the 40th day and we're having another 'tahlil'. I can't believe how fast time flies. Come Feb, we have 3 birthdays to celebrate in the family and my late mother was always the one calling everyone up to make sure everyone is free for a family gathering. She'd be up early buying groceries, making sure everyone's favourite foods are planned out so there will be everything for everyone. I'm thinking this year, I'll take over and try my best to cook everyone's favourite dishes.

 

I'm sure my late mother will be around during that day... and will be smiling.. *I sure hope so!*

[marlena]

Lyssa,

 

It will pass. Grief comes in waves. You will find your mother's shawl. 'Til you do, breathe deeply, wrap yourself up in your favourite quilt and perhaps read something comforting - whatever that may be.

 

I think your idea of gathering the family together on these special days is commendable.

 

See, she really hasn't passed away. She lives on through you - through every cell of your body.

 

Hugs,

Marlena

[Lishy]

Lyssa I am humbled at how you have dealt with your gried with dignity and compassion.

 

You are truly a lady to be admired. You will find your mummys shawl honey, dont get stressed over it.

 

Marlena is so right, your mum lives on in you!

[Always Wrong]

lyssa?

 

You ok today?

[Lyssa]

Marlena - Thank you. I think it'd do everyone good to have a get together. We have been doing a lot of that, dinners and lunches but to have everyone at home.. that would be something else.

 

Lishy - I sure hope I will find the shawl. I still have no idea where it is. I have stopped looking as I was going nuts tracking back!

 

Thank you for your kind words, Lishy and Marlena.

 

It will really make my day/night if the shawl appears out of nowhere! Chances of that happening is pretty low .

[Lyssa]

lyssa?

 

You ok today?

 

Hi AW - I'm okay today, thanks for asking. Very sweet of you.

 

My father went to visit my mother's grave yesterday. He said 'Japanese Roses' were planted around the grave and asked me and siblings; if we told anyone to planted them but it wasn't any one of us.

 

He then asked the caretakers and it was one of them who planted. What's amazing about it is that, Japanese Roses are my mother's favourite plant and none of us told the caretakers about it. I think that's really something and I'm pretty sure my late mother is happy about that! The flowers we bought few days back are still as fresh as the day we bought it too!

 

Simply amazing!

[BeautifulMystique]

Kak Lyssa!

 

I haven't had a chance to catch up with you. Hang in there and be strong!

[Kasan]

lyssa,

 

I too stumbled on to your thread and I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved mother.

 

I am fortunate in the fact that both of my parents are still living, although my mother has had some very challenging health issues the past few years that have left her not the same woman...she is dying by inches.

 

I want to pick up the phone and tell her the news of the day, but I don't, as I know that she will most likely not understand. Family gatherings are hard, as she is there, but drifts off to where, I don't know.

 

Like you, I hold on to my memories of what my mother was, as it does bring a measure of comfort. I am luckier than most, I have been able to make my peace with her.

 

You never get over the death of a loved one, you just learn how to live with it. I never take for granted that you have forever to tell someone how much they mean to you and your life.

 

May you find peace and love in the memories you cherish in the days ahead.

[sb129]

Hey Lyssa- so sorry to hear about your Mum- and sorry that I have been a little bit delayed in letting you know that.

 

You sound like you are coping amazingly well, and your strength and dignity is admirable.

 

Keep it up my dear, thinking of you.

x

[cracked1]

I lost my beloved mother on the 22nd of December. It was a real shock to all of us as she was healthy and was so happy on that day before she left. We were suppose to meet her after lunch at my cousin's wedding but instead, we were rushed to the hospital when we were told she collapsed just hours before the wedding. Doctor revived her just minutes after that.. and then she fell back into coma. We were told that the drugs were keeping her alive and if she did come back, she would be in a vegetative mode. It was all up to us to decide... as it wasn't our call, we left it to God.She left us after they tried 3 times to bring her back.

 

It has been 4 days now and the loss of my mother hasn't sinked in yet. I still can't believe she is gone. It feels so lonely in this big house... even when it was just the three of us, it was pretty lonely... and now that there's only my father and myself... it's unbearable. My brothers and wives come and stay over every day but when they go home, my father would start crying. I can't even open my mother's closet without crying...

 

It's really hard and I really don't know how to cope... half a day, I would be okay, knowing that she's in a better place. We all know she left happily and peacefully... but when I go into the kitchen, I look at all her favourite plates, cups... I'd start crying... I have never felt so much pain...

 

I hope those who have been in my shoes, can tell me how to cope with the loss... Thank you in advance.

I'm sorry Lyssa. My wife and i went through cancer with her mom and it was the saddest thing i've ever seen. 5 girls huddled in a hospital room for 3 days. Time is what it takes. The pain will lessen and you will be ok. I'm so sorry.

[BeautifulMystique]

Hi AW - I'm okay today, thanks for asking. Very sweet of you.

 

My father went to visit my mother's grave yesterday. He said 'Japanese Roses' were planted around the grave and asked me and siblings; if we told anyone to planted them but it wasn't any one of us.

 

He then asked the caretakers and it was one of them who planted. What's amazing about it is that, Japanese Roses are my mother's favourite plant and none of us told the caretakers about it. I think that's really something and I'm pretty sure my late mother is happy about that! The flowers we bought few days back are still as fresh as the day we bought it too!

 

Simply amazing!

 

Whoa!! That is amazing!

 

I hope that brings peace to you.

 

Hugs to you, kak Lyssa!

[Always Wrong]

lyssa!

Japanese Roses!

 

Beautiful flowers, beautiful experience! There are powers we just can't get our heads around, and I believe your mum had something to do with those flowers...

 

I believe she's telling you it's beautiful where she is.

[Lyssa]

Hi BM - Thank you! I have been away. As you already know from our chats earlier today.

 

Kasan - Thank you for your kind words. I am sorry to hear about your mother. I wish I could do or say something comforting to you at a time like this. Although she is no longer the same as before, please spend as much time as you can with her.

 

You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers!

 

SB129 - Hi and thank you for your thoughts, sweetie. Things are better than yesterday for me today so that is something to be thankful for.

 

Cracked1 - I'm sorry to hear about your MIL. I know I will come out stronger given time. Thank you.

 

It is amazing, isn't it? I still can't stop thinking about the Japanese Roses. Yes, AW - I think my mother has something to do with it! I can't wait to visit her grave, hopefully it doesn't rain later...

[Leia]

Lyssa,

 

How are you today? Are you better?

[Always Wrong]

Hi lyssa!

 

Hope you're feeling well today. AW

[Lyssa]

Hi everyone...

 

I am doing well and thank you, AW for checking up on me.

 

Marlena has been very kind too, checking up on me - since I haven't been around much lately.

 

Tomorrow, 30th would be the 40th day of my late mother's passing. We holding a 'tahlil' for her. Believe it or not, I still can't grasp the idea of not having her around anymore, the way she was always there for me and my family.

 

I am down with a sinus so I haven't had a chance to visit her grave but I did dream of her. The last I had was a week ago. It really brightened up my day - it was as if she's telling me that she's fine where she is... and happy. That really put a smile on my face. A genuine smile.

[Always Wrong]

Hi lyssa!

That's wonderful about the dream. That's a bummer about the sinus. Like I said to Leia the other day... a hot, hot shower, chicken noodle soup with crackers, followed by snuggling up and watching movies till you fall asleep. The over the counter stuff makes me feel worse. I'm glad to hear you're smiling!

AW

[Lyssa]

Hi lyssa!

That's wonderful about the dream. That's a bummer about the sinus. Like I said to Leia the other day... a hot, hot shower, chicken noodle soup with crackers, followed by snuggling up and watching movies till you fall asleep. The over the counter stuff makes me feel worse. I'm glad to hear you're smiling!

AW

 

Thanks, AW! Very thoughtful of you!

 

I had to go see an ENT specialist. At the moment, I am under medication from the specialist. So far, it has only gotten better just by a tiny bit. Hopefully, by tomorrow or the day after, it gets better!

 

Yup, smiling a bit more than I did the past few weeks. I still think of her at night and cry now and then... I think that's pretty normal.. for me, anyway! Well, all of you seem to think so too.. so I'm all good!

 

I'm so glad I found a friend in all of you here.

 

Thank you once again!!!

[Always Wrong]

No exaggeration lyssa!

It's been thirteen years since my father died, and still there are triggers that make my eyes tear up, right out in public, straight out of the blue, like I was ambushed by my emotions!

So, no doubt, it's normal for me. I am happy his memory is with me so strong. It carries me when I feel weak.

AW

[Lyssa]

No exaggeration lyssa!

It's been thirteen years since my father died, and still there are triggers that make my eyes tear up, right out in public, straight out of the blue, like I was ambushed by my emotions!

So, no doubt, it's normal for me. I am happy his memory is with me so strong. It carries me when I feel weak.

AW

 

I know what you mean! Just the other day, I was in a taxi on my way out and I was listening to my MP3. Just minding my own business and all of a sudden, tears were running down my cheeks and then I cried out! That totally shocked the taxi driver! Embarrassing as it was, I couldn't give a damn about what he thought of me.

[White Flower]

Oh Dear Lyssa,

 

I'm so sorry to have been wrapped up in my own troubles to not have seen this thread. I can't believe how much you have supported me during your own difficult time. What a woman!

 

I know your pain well.

 

I lost my mother when my first child was just 2 months old. I couldn't understand why she was taken just when I needed her for advice and help with raising my child. I'd see all my friends with their mothers at parties and I'd also see how much time their mothers were spending precious time with my friends' children.

 

But I developed something that my friends did not and that was strength. I became just as good a parent without my mother's advice or help and it amazed even me. You too will become strong and you will be the one who everyone turns to for help and advice. You'll see.

 

You need to be there for your dad now. He needs to see that he still has a purpose and now you know why you are still living at home. Everything and everyone has a purpose. Comfort him and let him talk about your mom as much as he wants. Let him cry. My dad needed to talk about my mom without being flamed (For his A) and I let him.

 

When my dad died a couple of years ago it was really hard. I knew my marriage was on the rocks and losing a second parent under those circumstances really makes one feel completely alone in this world. But I overcame that too, becoming all the stronger. And I thank God I have my kids!

 

The most difficult thing for me after dad died was not being able to pick up the phone and talk about the recent earthquake or some shocking news I'd seen on TV. He was always just a phone call away for comfort. I would literally pick up the phone to call him and remember he wasn't going to be there to answer it and I would cry. But this soon passed.

 

Lyssa, take care of yourself and your family. I hope you get through this difficult time and I know you will become stronger for it.

 

God bless and big hugs,

WF.

[Lyssa]

Thank you, WF!

 

Please don't be sorry, I do understand your situation. Thank you for taking the time to post. It is much appreciated.

 

I'm sorry for your loss. It is never easy and as I have so very often stated, it doesn't get easier - for me, anyway.

 

Oh my! The part about not having your mother around when you had your child - that is what I have been thinking a lot of! I thought that she would be around - I guess I took that for granted, that she would be around ALL THE TIME.

 

Strength - I think I have been told by my colleagues that that is what I have and one of them said, if she was in my position - she wouldn't know how to handle it. Thing is, I developed the strength over time - the strength to cope with my loss... not something that I had in me so I am sure, she will gain the strength when she needs it. I know when the time comes - marriage and pregnancies - I will develop more strength.

 

I am trying my best to be there for my father and brothers too. My father isn't really the type that talks about his feelings/emotions. I do bring up my late mother now and then but he wouldn't talk about it too much, I guess he just doesn't want to end up crying in front of me - which is understandable. But I do know he gets really excited about planting some flowers and plants at the graveyard.

 

I am doing much better than the last 2 weeks or so. All I know is that it really helps to talk about my mother and what other people went through. I don't envy my friends who still have their mothers around anymore, I enjoy hearing stories about them more than ever now cause it reminds me of my mother and I.