Worst Xmas

[RJF]

My Xmas officially sucked!

 

My partner of 3 years and I have been at odds with each other for a long time now after I learned he had been sharing "love" like e-mails with an ex sweetheart of his. I know I love him very much and haven't wanted to give up on him or our relationship despite our emotional struggles.

 

Yesterday, we started out having a nice conversation over the phone until it ended up heading towards a fight. I needed a time-out and told him I love him but goodnight and he ended up calling me a B*tch when he couldn't get me to bow to his demand to talk to him further. I always told him if he ever lost control and called me such a name, we'd be through. He's never in all this time done so until yesterday.

 

I refused to answer the phone after that and for 3-1/2 hours he called back over 100 times leaving dozens of messages. One minute he's begging me to pick up and acknowledge him, then on to insulting me again, and then back to the I Love You's. I did not hear one apology for the name calling/insults.

 

One message he told me to grow up a little bit and stop acting like a child (because I was refusing to pick up). I felt like he was being very manipulative and abusive, but he always blames me saying I make him act like this, it's my fault I bring this kind of pain on myself by acting as I do. He accused me of being abusive by giving him the silent treatment. I just needed to be left alone and wasn't desiring to talk to him after he disrespected me.

 

I don't know what to do. I know he's got problems (I do too), and I've always wanted to be his best friend and rock of love and support despite them. He has huge fears & insecurities particularly around being abandoned and I don't want to be a cause to exacerbate these either.

 

I don't want to leave him, I don't even want to break-up with him because I know I love him but I'm losing so much like my strength and patience. I don't know how to hold on anymore even though I want to. It's so complicated.

 

I don't need anyone else in my life. I wouldn't stay because I'm afraid of being alone or anything like that. I am fine flying solo. I just feel awfully guilty giving up on him and us after all we've been through. I'd feel like it's not being very loving on me if I end the relationship.

 

He will be calling again, maybe being apologetic or more angry. I have no clue how I'll respond. Part of me wants to answer and tell him what I think and feel, but the other part doesn't want any contact with him because if I do I feel like I've renagged on standing up for myself and basically let him get away with violating my boundaries of self-respect and he'll view it as I submit and he has control.

 

I want to be accepting & forgiving but at what point do you draw the line? I don't even know what that means anymore. Do I just keep taking this seeing as I can't change him all because I love him?

 

If love is patient and kind and keeps no record of wrongs, takes no offense, is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope and to endure and does not come to an end, what do I do here?

[MissMaris]

You didn't mention his age (unless I missed it) but his behavior is very immature.

 

I am also concerned at his richocet-ing between begging you to call him and then calling you horrible names. He sounds very manipulative.

 

Just because you have issues or problems, it doesn't mean you have to be somebody's emotional punching bag. He needs to learn how to discuss problems in a mature manner, not just lash out and use the 'B' word when he's upset.

 

I don't know about you, but my boyfriend would never call me a bitch and if he did, I can't imagine what would happen to our relationship. You have to decide what your boundaries are

[oneofakind]

No one deserves to be called a bitch...it doesn't matter how angry you are. Someone who cares about you will respect your feelings, even in struggles. Trust me, you deserve better than that. Someone who cares about you should never make you feel that miserable.

 

However, he may have psychiatric problems that could be to blame for his mood swings toward you. You mentioned before he had problems...did you mean something psychiatric? If you are serious about continuing this relationship, maybe you should look into this b/c things aren't going to get any better unless you find out what's causing him to act like this. Hope this helps.

Edited December 29, 2007 by oneofakind