To Call or Not to Call

[Insomniac]

I recently got out of a long term, long distance relationship. It was the kind of break up where you cry and say "I love you." We both knew it was for the best and we both said we could see getting back together again.

 

This wasn't your typical relationship. We hardly ever fought and we always had things to talk about. The distance wasn't even a signficant problem. We were a really good fit.

 

The reason we needed to break up, from my perspective had to do with his lack of relationship experience. I always felt like he was uncertain about things. I thought if we spent some time apart it would put things in perspective. I guess on some level I expected him to be miserable without me and come running back.

 

I said that we shouldn't have contact for a while, I thought that would make it easier for him to decide how he feels about me. He called yesterday, it was a special occassion and I told him it would be okay if he wanted to call.

 

I missed his call. So here's the question, do I call him back? And if so, should I do it when I know he won't be home? Or should I e-mail him instead? My friends say I shouldn't speak to him. I miss him terribly and I'm finding it hard to go without speaking to him. Ultimately, what's the best choice if I hope to get back together down the road?

 

Sorry this is so long, I get wordy at this hour.

[circle]

Dont really understand every nuance of your relationship, but from the facts you give I suggest you stop playing games. There is little room for pride in a loving relationship.

 

Its true "hard-to-get" - can make feelings 'feel' more powerful, but they can also send the clear message that you dont want to really continue the relationship and that all the positive things you said during your break-up were just to soften the blow. If I were on the receiving end, that would cross my mind.

 

If I were you, call him back.

[Insomniac]

I see your point. And I'm usually against playing games. The problem is that our entire relationship I was always there whenever he wanted. As a result he started to take me for granted. That's why I'm hesitant to call him back. I don't want him to think that he can move on and start dating other people and he can still count on me to sit around waiting for him. His uncertainty about his feelings for me is the reason we took this break. I feel like if he gets to keep me in his life then he's getting the best of both worlds. Plus, I don't want to seem desperate to get back together.

 

If he's going to figure out whether or not he wants me in his life, he's going to have to do that without having me in his life.

 

Of course on the other hand, I miss him and I want to talk to him, and I don't want him to think I'm being cold. I never played games in our relationship, but look how that worked out for me.

 

I'm still torn.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

No, you didn't play games in the relationship, but you are playing games now. You broke up with him hoping it would make him think about you more seriously, and it doesn't seem to be working the way you hoped it would. Either you want to be with him or you don't. What happens if he does get back together with you and he starts taking you for granted again? Or the other issues you have come back up again? Do you really feel like going through all of that again? Forcing somebody's hand on making a decision is not necessarily going to change them.

[Insomniac]

I've been thinking about it a lot today (surprise). And I think you're right. If he decides he wants to get back together and that he's ready to really try and do this, then it has to be when he's ready to do it, and I shouldn't try to force the situation.

 

I have to remember why I thought this break up was a good idea in the first place. If he takes some time and realizes he wants to be with me, then great. If not, then we're both better off.

 

I guess my feeling at this point is that limited contact is okay. It just has to be in moderation. This all happened within the last two weeks, so I guess time will make things a little clearer.

 

Thanks for your input.

[Insomniac]

So I decided that limited contact was the way to go. Now we've started e-mailing and we even spoke on the phone. So much for limited. Now it just makes me realize how much I want him back. Should I stop talking to him? It's so hard to do that I miss him so much.

 

I hate that I am being so whiny about all this. I've just never had a break up like this before. Usually I hate the guy, so it's not a problem. Can anybody offer advice?

[circle]

Ok, Help us out a bit.

 

In your first post you said the reason for the breakup was to let him figure out how he felt about you. Can you explain why this was in any doubt?

 

He seems keen to contact you, from what I know the conversations and making contact does not seem one-way, does he offer an opinion about getting back together?, does the conversation ever cover it at all?.

 

Is-he/are-you simply keeping options open in case the perfect woman/man does not turn up?, is-he/are-you unsure about your feelings - or are you both really so proud you cannot just tell each other you love each other beyond doubt?. Are either of you afraid of being taken for granted?

 

Look forward to your thoughts.

[NEONINK]

Sorry for the bluntness, it's just one of those days...

 

Your reason for breaking up was lame! Lame, lame, lame....

" reason we needed to break up, from my perspective had to do with his lack of relationship experience."

 

Well, he isn't going to get that experience without now, is he?

What did you really want? Did you want him to find someone else, get all the bugs worked out, then come running back to you?

 

I doubt it.

 

Ok, so now you just have to play the cards you have been dealt.

You love him, he might love you. What's the problem? What the hell are you waiting on? Find out, and start enjoying a relationship that you said worked...

[Insomniac]

Okay, I'll try to explain a little more about the relationship. He had never had a serious relationship before. He was always unsure about things. He didn't know if he was in love with me, although he still says that he loves me. He also didn't know if he could see a serious future with me. To further complicate matters there was the distance issue.

 

We both agreed to the break up because his lack of certainty was starting to cause a major rift and we were growing aparat. However, as anyone who's had a serious relationship knows, your significant other becomes your best friend, and losing that is the hardest part of the break up. I do love him, and I would love to get back together. I think that his eagerness to keep in touch isn't because he wants to get back together, but more a matter of his missing me as a friend.

 

Does that clear things up at all?

[circle]

Yes it does (clear things up a bit), and I hate to propagate the "leave them, kick them to the kerb" answer for everything that often prevails here, but I would at the very least prepare yourself for the loss. If your interpretation of his feelings and his reason for sticking around are accurate, then your situation is a breeding ground for the scenario :

 

He meets someone new, your feelings go into orbit, big recovery period required, involving weird feelings of jealousy, betrayal, hope, love etc etc.

 

Might be better to cool it off mutually and hit acceptance as soon as possible.

 

Hope thats not too upsetting, and it is just one opinion

[NEONINK]

This is why communication is key. I also need to pay attention.

 

When we take cooling off time, we need to be specific about what is supposed to occur during that time. Is it to fix a broken something or another, date other people in order to decide, or meditate and fast to 2 weeks then come running back, or whatever.

 

Relationships are hard enough with communication. When we don't understand what is happening, it's really complicated.

 

What are you supposed to do? Were you going to just 'be friends' after a brief period of time to unhook the hearts from one another? Or was his heart just never hooked at all? Are you and he supposed to remain celebate and unavailable for an undetermined amount of time?

 

I just think talking is the answer.

 

Or maybe it's just a simple, he has committment phobia. Is he waiting the Ms. Perfect to come along and sweep him off his feet?

 

I'm sorry he isn't more decided. And I do hope you are getting enough sleep.

[Insomniac]

I think both of you raise valid points. On the one hand, I need to be realistic about things. I need to come to terms with the idea that we may not get back together. ANd in order to do that, it may be best to cut off communication.

 

At the same time, I realized there was a major gap in communication that needs to be addressed. I never really heard his side of why he agreed to the break up. I need to find out what he expects from the break up.

 

So here's the compromise. I find out what he's thinking and then based on that, decide about talking in the future. I really think we belong together, but I need to come to terms with the possibility that it may not happen for a long time, if ever.

 

On the plus side, I'm sleeping a lot more. Thanks for your thoughts, it's good to have some objective insight. I appreciate your support.

[yagottahelp]

I agree with neonink.......communication is very important.

 

I'm in a somewhat similar situation of now knowing quite what's going on- but what i do know, is that on a few occasions, only 2, but it was enough-my ex whatever and I have talked about problems during the relationship-she is the one that is calling the shots, but is also very interested in what happened when we were together.......

 

we talk about our issues, such as a lack of communication, our feelings about each others hanging out with others, spending enough time together, if anything it clears the air-and more importantly, if something were to happen, i have no clue if it will-the groundwork is set to start over, know what went wrong, and know how to address it.

[Insomniac]

I asked him why he wanted to break up and what he hoped for out of the break up. He said that he wanted to break up because he was afraid we were starting to dislike each other, and that he'd rather we be apart that hate each other. And he said that he hoped that either he would find someone else or realize we should be together and get back together.

 

So I said that we probably should stop talking if either of those things were going to happen. And then I pointed out the posbility he ignored, that I would find someone else and he would realize that he wanted me back. He replied that it would serve him right and that would be fair.

 

Now, call me crazy, but that just made me angry. Like if he wanted me back and I was seeing someone else he would't even try. That makes me feel like I have very limited options. Like I can wait for him and hope he doesn't find someone else, or I can try to move on, but if he changes his mind, he won't even bother trying to tell me.

 

And now here's the part where I start to sound really nuts. I think we're supposed to be together. It just feels right. We're a good fit. We get each other. I've had a lot of serious reationships, so I know what I want. This is the man I could spend the rest of my life with.

 

So how do you know what to do? When do you know if you should fight for your relationship or if you should walk away and let time fix everything?

 

I hate that I'm so unclear on this. I'm usually very pragmatic, but I don't think that's how love works.

 

Sorry for getting all ranty again. Just a little frustrated again tonight. GRRR....AAARGH.

[NEONINK]

Sometimes we hold on because it is just familiar and we are scared of the unknown out there.

 

The more information you have, you more able you are to make a decision about what you need to do for your sanity and life.