My wife left me a month ago

[jtipouikidis]

I know probably this exact post has been done over and over but here is my story. On November 24 I came home to a note on the floor that said. "I am sorry, i am leaving for good. You need to be happy with yourself before you will ever be happy with me. I cant be married to someone who doesnt respect me. We cannot be best friends when you still want to control me. You control when you do not know it, you let me cry and do not care. I am not happy I cant be married anymore."

I know it is to late but I screwed up bad, I love her so much and honestly I had absolutly nothing to complain about her. She is the most loving and caring person you will ever meet. At first I could not contact her but after a week she called and said that she doesnt think we have a chance, i asked if we could go to councelling but she said no. I told her that she was right and I was not treating her the proper way, I told her that I loved her so much and she did not reply. She said that she was not going to do anything for a year in regards to filing for divorce because she wants to make sure that she is doing the write thing. but when i Talked to her a few more times she said that I would be getting divorce papers. I am going to councelling now because I want to change the things that ruined our marriage not just to get her back (although I really do want her back) but because deep down I am a really good guy. I have been told by people not to contact her and give her space which has been the hardest thing I ever had to do. It has been two weeks and it feels so much longer, yesterday was christmas and I really thought she would call but she didnt. What can I do to get her back, she is the love of my life??

[PinkRibbon]

I am so sorry about your wife leaving. I am finding out that all you can do is give them time and space. But it is good you are going to a therapist to work things out with you personally. That is always a step in the right direction for yourself.

[sedgwick]

I was married to someone who wasn't happy with himself, and I left too. It was very hard to be with someone who was miserable and not doing anything to make it better. Do you think that's how she sees you? You didn't really say what her specific issues were. What were you doing to make her cry?

[jtipouikidis]

I had a control issue with her, and when things didn't go right at work I would take it out on her. We argued a lot and seriosly there are times that I do not blame her for leaving. Dont get me wrong we had a lot of happy times throughout our whole marriage. She was putting love notes in my bag almost every day up until she left. I know I screwed up I just hope she sees that I am not faking change. Even when she left she did not go as bad as it could be, she took only her stuff, and paid half the rent, she also said any perscriptions that I have I can send her and she will put them through her health plan. It has been a month and I am not even a little mad at her, I just want her to be happy, she is the love of my life

[sadhubby]

god is there somthing in the air read my story its the same thing !! same day mine left wtf is going on. she actually told me im to controling to!! i told her tonight i didnt want to be friends with her anymore and she flipped out .she has another man visiting her on the weekends so good ridance.

[whichwayisup]

You should still seek counselling, you have control issues that need to be dealt with, and it won't go away unless you learn how to not control. It will follow you for life, so do the counselling for yourself. Who knows, maybe if she sees you changing, putting effort into yourself, she'll come back and do therapy with you.

[jtipouikidis]

To tell you the truth I realized that I have a control issue, this has been a real wake up call for me. I started councelling and it seems to be going good. I know that either way I need to change my ways. I also have to be careful because i am making myself out to be the worst guy. I really did care about her, and I was always trying to do things that would make her happy. we both liked travelling, since we were married three years ago we have been to Greece, Toronto, Mexico twice, las Vegas, San Francisco, Vancouver, and were planning Jamaica in March. I just didnt show her how much i appreciated her, because of her I went back to my dream of being a pilot and now I am a flight instructor. She has done so much good in my life and I just dont want to lose her. There was not a thing she would not do for me, I never had someone who stuck up for me, and she did. There was not a time I worried that she did not love me. I miss my wife so much, and I probably deserve this but if we dont get back together I will regret it for the rest of my life.

[Gunny376]

Take a "Fool's Advice"

 

Be it for a week, a month, a year, years ~ go NC with her!

 

Meanwhile? Work on yourself, your issues, your problems!

 

Now is the time to learn and grow!

 

Its hard, its painfull, its diffcult! You've got to "gut-it-out"

 

Suck it up Marine! Suck it up!

 

Keep posting!

[PWSX3]

First off congratulations on understanding that "you" have room for improvement & that you are already working on it. That is something "you" can do, you have control over.

 

Take Gunny's & others advice, if she wants NC then let her have it. When my W moved out the one thing she wanted was NC for the first month & yes I got the "you are to controlling" speech as well so for me to show her that I wanted to change, that I "was" going to change I didn't contact her at all. In fact it was probably a month & a half before we finally did contact each other.

 

You have to remember she has been thinking of all this for a while, it just didn't happen overnight so she needs her space to think. Your W will say all kinds of things in the next few months so don't look into what she says to much. Just keep doing what you said you want to do, keep working on yourself & doing the counseling.

 

One old wise man here on the board said something to me that I will never forget & I want to share it with you as well.

If you REALLY want to better yourself each morning when you wake up you tell yourself; self I will never be that old person again & mean it.

 

Counseling is a very good step, plus read books there are some good ones out there. Educate yourself & use this time for something positive & if you do there is a good chance positive things will happen.

 

This is something you need to do for yourself. Like someone else said; if you don't things won't work with your current relationship & they won't work with your next one as well.

 

This is a chapter in your book of life that has been closed & now you are starting on a new, make the best of it.

[jtipouikidis]

Is there anything more that I can do that will improve my chances. I am scared that no contact will only give her the chance to fall out of love from me. Also does the fact that she didnt even try to contact me over Christmas tell me there is no hope. I want to do everything possible, I dont want to give up on her.

[redblack66]

Is there anything more that I can do that will improve my chances. I am scared that no contact will only give her the chance to fall out of love from me. Also does the fact that she didnt even try to contact me over Christmas tell me there is no hope. I want to do everything possible, I dont want to give up on her.

 

You are scared, and there is fear of losing her. DOES FEAR HELP?

Act like you are *not scared of losing her* and take care of yourself.

This may not help, but it may.

You have NO control over her and do not try to read into what she says and does.

I would practice 100% NC. Sure this sounds extreme, but this is learned from bad experience. Read my thread if you wish.

[jtipouikidis]

Has anyone been in a situation like this where it worked out, and if so what did you do and how did you cope. She seems so sure of what she is doing right now.

[sumdude]

Has anyone been in a situation like this where it worked out, and if so what did you do and how did you cope. She seems so sure of what she is doing right now.

 

 

Aren't too many success stories around I'm sad to say. PWSX and ilmw are the only two that come to mind.

 

All you can do is live your life, work on yourself and see what happens. The ball is completely in her court. The more you push the faster she'll run. Give her the gift of missing you. Hopefully she will, but be prepared for it to be over.

[whichwayisup]

The thing is, if she wants it to be over and she feels it's over in her heart and mind, then there isn't much you can do about it. Have a tiny bit of hope, but don't bank on it and don't put all your eggs in one basket. The good that will come out of this though is, you will be the man you're supposed to be - With or without her. I know you can't see the good in that right now, but someday you will.

[jtipouikidis]

The last time I talked to my W which was over two weeks ago she said that she was going to wait a year before she filed for divorce. I asked her why and she said she wanted to make sure she wasnt making a rash decision. So I asked well why dont we go to councelling, and she said no. I really do not get it before I used to say I would never go to councelling or get our church involved and after she left that was the first thing I did. I talked to her mom when it first happened and asked is there any chance and her mom also said "well if it is any coucelation she said she is not planning to do anything for a year" yet the last time I talked to her she said we had no chance because she didnt think she could trust me again. I never cheated on her, and I really love her I want her back so bad, she is the love of my life.

[whichwayisup]

Okay, well that is kind of positive, which means SHE isn't 100% sure that it's completely over. If she was sure, then the D papers would be drafted up, right?

 

So, focus on you, you and you in the meantime. If she sees the changes, and you seem happy and content, then again, who knows! She could fall back inlove with you, see so much potiental in you to want to give things another try. I suggest you try to be positive and in afew months hopefully you two can talk.

[jtipouikidis]

I am going through an anxiety attack right now. I am at home and I want to call her so bad. What do I do, I want to hear her voice and it has been two weeks of NC. I dont understand how she can hate me now, especially when I love her so much. It is taking everything in me not to call.

[Bummed&Hurt]

Take it from someone who has done everything wrong with his separation. Try and be strong and keep doing the 180. Leaving her wondering and you not showing weakness is something that will work better in the long run. I was always smothering my wife and it really drove her away and when I ignored her she always made contact me with. Unfortunately I always fell back into pleading and smothering her.

 

Also, look into getting some anti-depressants. I have been taking them for a week now and they really seem to be helping. My wife and I are about 98% sure we're going to file for divorce and since being on the AD I have kept control of my emotions enough for her to start second guessing herself after watching how well I'm taking everything. Trust me, I'm a mess inside but they really do seem to help.

[Owl]

OK...its rare to have a woman just up and leave like that.

 

Men tend to do this sometimes...but normally women aren't as willing to do this.

 

It makes me very curious...what are the odds she's got someone already 'waiting' on her?

 

Has she cheated on you in the past? I seriously wonder if she's already involved with someone else, given the speed with which she took action.

[NotMyselfNEmore]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]As a woman who has been involved in a controlling relationship like yours... my advice is exactly what everyone else is saying. When I first broke up with my recent ex-boyfriend, I wanted NC because I felt exhausted. HOWEVER.... I gave him many signs that things were not going right. I did speak a lot to him, and gave him many warnings. I'm not talking about hints, I'm talking about real dead-serious warnings before I made my decision to go ahead and break it off. And yes, the reason why your wife will pull away faster is you smother her is because that's exactly the root of the problem... control=squeezing. [/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana][/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]Unfortunately, showing a sign of desperation for her DOES NOT translate as "love" to her. It translates as another way of controlling her and forcing her to do whatever YOU want. Stay strong, keep going to counseling but do not revolve your changes around her. Do if for YOU and only YOU. It doesn't matter if she comes back to you or not, what matters is that your next relationship (may it be with her again or someone new) will have to be a healthy one. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. I won't wish you Good Luck because is not a matter of luck... but I will wish you Strength! [/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana][/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]Keep posting![/FONT][/COLOR]

[jtipouikidis]

I know for a fact that she is not cheating on me, honestly I do not blame her again for leaving. I am doing my best for NC and so far have been able to go two weeks. I am doing the councelling for me because I do want to change, I never want to go through this again. I though will not give up on her, I say to to this day she is my Angel and I love her so much.

[redblack66]

I know for a fact that she is not cheating on me, honestly I do not blame her again for leaving. I am doing my best for NC and so far have been able to go two weeks. I am doing the councelling for me because I do want to change, I never want to go through this again. I though will not give up on her, I say to to this day she is my Angel and I love her so much.

 

I read your thread. If I were you, I would continue NC, and it is amazing that you managed for 2 weeks. Looking back in my life, I should have done NC when we weren't together.

I would not be so sure that she is not cheating.

[jtipouikidis]

The one thing that I do not understand, though I am very thankful, is the fact that yes she left but, she paid half our rent she gave me money for our credit cards, and she said any perscriptions that I have I can send in to her for her benifits. Yes she left but she could have done it a lot worse, but this was her in our whole marriage, she has a heart of gold and I know that she still cares about me, I just hurt her. Like they say you dont know what you have got until it is gone, Hopefully she realizes the same about me, I am working on my faults, and I really am a good guy, I love her with all of my heart, When I put my mind to something I do it, I love travelling (so does she) I am a pilot, I mean I am going to lose out if she doesnt come back, but I am now realizing so is she. So back to the NC now onto 15 days, and hopefully she will miss me even a fraction of how much I miss her. I will not give up!!!! I am still wearing my ring and it will not come off until I get papers.

[Gunny376]

Its difficult to make a "non-believer" comprehend and understand ~ and I'm trying to find the words for you to understand and comprehend.

 

LEAVE HER ALONE? No contact! Zip, zero, nadda, nothing ~ Cold turkey!

 

Civility and respect! Respect her choices NOT to be with you anymore. I realize that's hard ~ all day hard ~ but come the end of the day? It matters not what your feelings toward her are, but what her feelings for you are? And right now? She's not "feeling it" for you.

 

Your contiuned efforts to "fix it" is just more rubbing salt into an already open wound ~ and rock salt at that!

 

The fact that she left you half the rent, and you can file your "scripts" on her insurance is just more evidence that she's a decent human being, woman with a heart of gold? Nothing more? Nothing less.

 

All you can really do is ACCEPT the fact that she left you a month ago, and that she was gone yesterday, she was gone today, and she will probally be gone tomorrow. And, that's a cold fact. Your resistance to that fact only serves to make it harder on yourself and her.

 

That's the bad news!

 

The really good news?

 

There's a lot of real losers out there! That don't have their act together.

 

G-I-V-E HER TIME!

 

Give her the time and space that she needs to realize that your not such the ogar her mind has created you into being.

 

Give her the gift of "missing you" and how is she going to ever experince that if your calling all the time?

 

She's a woman! She needs time to "shop and compare". She needs to see what's out there? She needs time to maybe go through a couple of losers before she realizes you're not such a bad guy after all?

 

And your not? 99% of "it" is you simply didn't know! I didn't! I didn't have a freaking clue. About a lot of things? About how to make a relationship ~ marriage work?

 

You need to educate yourself. Your DW is communicating with you? But what she's inplying isn't what you're inferring. Women use in-direct communication to communicate. I'm 50 years old and and in the sum total of my life? I've meet and know of one woman and one woman only that uses direct coummication?

 

Its not that your crazy? Its not that your wife is crazy? Its that your wife is a woman? And your a man?

 

Its like when a woman touches her DH's shoulder in bed, and he rolls over and goes to sleep? And the next morning? She asks him, "Where were you? I was in the mood?"

 

That's a woman's "in-direct" communication!

 

Women use to drive me crazy?! Then I got to studying ~ reading ~ took my Happy Azz back to class! Now? I'm committed to a lifelong study of them?

 

Do I have them figured out? No! Do I have all the answers to all the questions? No! All the soultions to all the problems? No!

 

As I said? Its a lifelone pursuit.

 

But, I do have this much figured out?

 

Its usually tied to

 

a. sex

 

b. money

 

c. power

 

d. prestiage

 

Most marriage problems? Fall into one of four categrories?

 

a. In-laws

 

b. children

 

c. finances

 

d. religion

 

Yours?

 

Controlling/dominating/jealous behavior = personal insecurity. (Not to get down on you ~ I've been there! Big time)

 

What you need to work on is you!

 

I've worked hard at learning to be single and alone. Its been one Hell of a Mothertrucker, I'm here to tell ya! Learning HOW to be comfortable in my own skin?

 

NOW?

 

I cherish it! I wouldn't trade it for anything! I'm very careful of who I give the "gift" of me to!?

[PWSX3]

You said it is driving you crazy so it sounds like you have to much time on your hand. I suggest heading to the gym, it really helped me.

 

In my case I was a little overweight so going to the gym helped in many ways. I lost weight, got in shape, started eating better because of it & yes while I was separated the W noticed these things once we started talking again.

 

I didn't have to say anything, she could see the changes & that is what needs to happen. You work on what you need to do to better yourself & the rest will fall into place.

 

Listen to Gunny, he is a very wise man.

It seems we all go down the same path, do all the same mistakes so it is up to you to decide when it is time to get off that path & start on a new one for you, not the path that you & your W have been walking on.