My wife left me a month ago

[redblack66]

What Gunny and PWSX3 write could be more valuable than what PhD counselors may tell you.

 

I feel you will make it big time if you have managed 15 days with no contact. I am envious.

 

I have two friends that have lived alone for a relatively long time. It amazes me how comfortable they are in their own skin. Just observing them, not asking, not commenting, I am learning.

 

You said you are a pilot, and I assume you meet people easily. You don't have to get involved with a new woman, but get active: go out, meet different people, talk to them, observe. Go for dinners, movies, etc., enjoy life. If you go back to school as Gunny is suggesting, you will realize how you are evolving slowly in your interactions with people.

 

I used to be very social. In my marriage I did not have many people I could call. Now I have built a pretty good social network. Anytime I do not feel good, I can just pick up the phone, if I wish.

[redblack66]

 

All you can really do is ACCEPT the fact that she left you a month ago, and that she was gone yesterday, she was gone today, and she will probally be gone tomorrow. And, that's a cold fact. Your resistance to that fact only serves to make it harder on yourself and her.

 

There is a book by Byron Katie, Loving What Is. She is talking about accepting the reality and not fighting it. Good read for a person in you situation.

 

Every book has a time when it should be read. I feel you may want to check this one.

 

She's a woman! She needs time to "shop and compare". She needs to see what's out there? She needs time to maybe go through a couple of losers before she realizes you're not such a bad guy after all?

It is your call if she ends up with couple of losers in bed and then comes to you. Personally, I would not accept her.

 

I'm 50 years old and and in the sum total of my life? I've meet and know of one woman and one woman only that uses direct coummication?

I can recall only one woman in my life too that uses direct communication.

[jtipouikidis]

Well it now has been 17 days of NC and I am starting to wonder if she is ever going to call. I still am in shock that she went from writeing me love notes all of the time to now NC. I know that I was the one who screwed up but selfishly I wan another chance. I really still care about her, I love her with my whole heart. I have managed to get slightly upset at her for one thing though. She left me with a note, come on you do not end a almost three year marriage with a note. It feels like I have been torn in half and I am trying to do what is right but how long to you hope for. I feel that you hope until you have done everything possible but am I just delaying the pain? I just can not stop remembering all of the good times we had, and how well she treated me, I really miss her.

[jtipouikidis]

Well I went to my counceller today, it is through her work so by some strange fate we are seeing the same counceller. At the beginning I signed a form that allowed my W to know about my progress in councelling. Well she did the same thing and the counceller today said that when he asked if there was any chance she said very firmly no. He said he actually was suprised at how sure she sounded. This hurts too much, I reallly cannot take any more. I cant breathe, I try to keep myself busy but my mind keeps coming back to her. I have managed 19 days of no contact but for what. How do you keep having hope when you get all of these set backs. She says all of this but has not filed for a seperation (not that I want her to) How do I go on, I still love her and I cant get angry at her. Should I even still have hope? My counceller said that he went through almost the same thing with his wife and they got back together after 18 months. I really do not know what to think!!!

[whichwayisup]

Sorry that you're in alot of pain...

 

All you can do is focus on yourself now. Continue with therapy, grieve and talk to your therapist about everything that you're feeling..One day at a time.

 

You have no control over what will or won't happen, so no point in worrying about the future. All you have is the now, and unfortunately the now isn't what you want it to be.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I think you need to start focusing on you.

 

If she's so adamant on not reconsiling over something you didnt do, then I say good riddance and start making moves to move on by yourself.

 

She's a walk away wife!!!

 

Who gives a F is she comes back, she shouldnt have abandoned you in the first place. Things could have been worked out but she left!!!

 

She left!!!!

 

It's over and in your mind you need to tell yourself that.

 

Go file for divorce!!!

 

Why are you just sitting there pining over a woman who would abandon you??? WTF??

 

Get through it and do it for yourself!

 

File for divorce, change the locks, box up all of her possesions and ship them to her parents house and explain everything that happened from your POV, hit the gym, get new friends and get a new girlfriend.

 

Simple as that.

 

Wash your hands of her.

 

She has issues that you may and cannot be able to fix. And if that's the case then so what, do it for you!!!

 

Forget her man.

 

Any woman who could be so heartless to abandon someone when they need them the most? I mean he hasnt hurt her or abused her, cheated or anything, other than possibly driniking? or neglect? Come on.

 

Move on. She's gone!

[redblack66]

I think you need to start focusing on you.

 

If she's so adamant on not reconsiling over something you didnt do, then I say good riddance and start making moves to move on by yourself.

 

She's a walk away wife!!!

 

Who gives a F is she comes back, she shouldnt have abandoned you in the first place. Things could have been worked out but she left!!!

 

She left!!!!

 

It's over and in your mind you need to tell yourself that.

 

Go file for divorce!!!

 

Why are you just sitting there pining over a woman who would abandon you??? WTF??

 

Get through it and do it for yourself!

 

File for divorce, change the locks, box up all of her possesions and ship them to her parents house and explain everything that happened from your POV, hit the gym, get new friends and get a new girlfriend.

 

Simple as that.

 

Wash your hands of her.

 

She has issues that you may and cannot be able to fix. And if that's the case then so what, do it for you!!!

 

Forget her man.

 

Any woman who could be so heartless to abandon someone when they need them the most? I mean he hasnt hurt her or abused her, cheated or anything, other than possibly driniking? or neglect? Come on.

 

Move on. She's gone!

 

Excellent post. Listen to him. Do your mind turning on your PM.

[whichwayisup]

That is an excellent post..Problem is, he isn't ready yet to do that. He doesn't have the inner strength or desire to do what Gunny has suggested. Hopefully though, with help from his therapist, he WILL get stronger and reach his enough is enough point and end it.

[Chrome Barracuda]

That is an excellent post..Problem is, he isn't ready yet to do that. He doesn't have the inner strength or desire to do what Gunny has suggested. Hopefully though, with help from his therapist, he WILL get stronger and reach his enough is enough point and end it.

 

He needs to find that strength and quickly.

 

I know it takes time to move on but when stay in that grieve mode for a long time life will past you by.

 

Do you know how many beautfiul women that I could have possibly banged growing up but I pined after some fat whale of a chick who dated jerks, and I was in love with?

 

A long time. I mean years!!!

 

And I look back and I've wasted years of my life pining for some fat bitch who didnt want me!!!???

 

WTF was I smoking? lol

 

And you know what the moment I accepted it finally. And I let her go.

 

I am able to go after alot of women, almost anyone I want with no fear in my heart of rejection, and no fear of reprecussions. Why because I am free of the mental prison which dragged me down.

 

She is free to shag whoever she wants I wish her well. As I have moved on with my life and dont care any way.

 

That my friend is progress.

[redblack66]

He needs to find that strength and quickly.

 

Listen to CB. If I listened to his earlier posts in my thread I was better off, perhaps. However, I do not regret anything I have done, but it cost me a few months, lots of money, and lots of sleepless nights.

[jtipouikidis]

Thank you all for your posts, tomorrow I go back to work full time, as a pilot when something like this happens your medical gets cancelled for a while and my doctor says its ok now. I am totally ready to go back to work, actually I want to live there, being home sucks, I keep myself busy but there is only so much you can do. I am actually starting to get mad at her, I mean there was no warning, love notes till the day before she left, a little trip two weeks before. She would come to my work to visit me, then bam she kills me, WITH A NOTE!!!!! Yes I am crazy I still love her though, I still miss her, we were together for four years, and yes I still want her back. If this were not to have happened and anyone were to ask if I had any complaints on my marriage, I would answer no and I am not kidding, I was very happy until the day she left. She was a gem yes she is being a total cow now, but she was my beautiful sweet wife. I really do not understand how you could do this to someone???

[redblack66]

Yes I am crazy I still love her though, I still miss her, we were together for four years, and yes I still want her back.

When one leaves, the love of the left one seems to increase beyond proportions. Don't you have flight attendants or other girls around to talk to? You are too much focused on your wife. (Tell me about it) Re-focus.

If this were not to have happened and anyone were to ask if I had any complaints on my marriage, I would answer no and I am not kidding, I was very happy until the day she left. She was a gem yes she is being a total cow now, but she was my beautiful sweet wife. I really do not understand how you could do this to someone???

What you do not understand is classical stuff. Apparently, many women leave like that. I heard this from my MC.

[sadhubby]

mine also said she wanted to seperate for a year see other people and see what happend . she also said she didnt want to do anything rash!!! then comes the internet man she met to stay at her apt. on the weekends . i filed for divorce on cruel and inhumane treatment it will be final in 28 days.oh yeah and when asked to go to counceling i got a maybe then a no. i realize now it was just crap to buy her time to get her ducks in order and oh yeah to finaly sleep with that guy to seal the deal.

[hopeful26]

I've very sorry to hear this, I know exactly what you are going through. My wife left unexpectedly earlier this year; I even got the same type of letter at one point. I never did really understand how they could do "this" to us either. But, ultimately that doesn't matter.

 

The only thing that matters now is you. Take care of you. I could type for hours but I need to get to bed. FWIW I really, really sympathize with you.

 

Keep posting.

[StillSame]

I know for a fact that she is not cheating on me,

 

You do know that a large percentage of betrayed spouse thought that too initially, right? Why are you so sure? (don't give me an answer such as "She is a very moral person" or "she is very religious," because "religous" people cheat all the time).

[redblack66]

You do know that a large percentage of betrayed spouse thought that too initially, right? Why are you so sure? (don't give me an answer such as "She is a very moral person" or "she is very religious," because "religous" people cheat all the time).

 

I agree, don't be so sure.

[jtipouikidis]

My wife called today and we talked for three hours. we just got of the phone and she said that she would call back after she ate dinner. She does still sound very sure that it is over but it was still good to talk to her. She asked to get together and I said well is it just to give me seperation papers and she said no. now she did sound like there was no chance but she read me a note she found that she wrote to me two years ago talking about how she met me and how happy she was.

 

Well she just called back and we talked for another hour and a half. It may sound crazy but it was good to talk to her. We are going for dinner next week and thats about it. I am not too hopeful, I am still trying to work on things for me but I actually am feeling a bit better after I talked to her!!! I am trying not to get my hopes up though Ill just see what happens.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Cancel it man.

 

It she wants closure tell her to get it somewhere else.

 

Why does she want to meet you, if not to serve seperation papers?

 

That doesnt make sense.

 

I think she might want to come back but if you go dress to the nines and keep your eyes open.

 

Oh on a sidenote did you say you was a pilot?

 

Hey man I used to work within JFK and let me tell you something they got some bad ass flight attendants. If I was you I hit the gym and pick up all the nice, tight, fine trim out there I could handle!!!

[Gunny376]

On November 24 I came home to a note on the floor that said. "I am sorry, i am leaving for good. You need to be happy with yourself before you will ever be happy with me. I cant be married to someone who doesnt respect me. We cannot be best friends when you still want to control me. You control when you do not know it, you let me cry and do not care. I am not happy I cant be married anymore."

 

In every almsot every long term relationship there comes a crisis point ~ to where the status quo of the relationship has either changed? Or must change? This is ineventable in any and all relationships. Its not a question of "if" but when?

 

In her heart of hearts? I don't believe that your wife wants a divorce, however with that said? If you push the issue to hard too quickly? I believe you will find yourself with a set of divorce papers quicker than you can say "Don't Do It!"

 

Have you read ilmw's thread? I believe you would find it very helpful. He and his wife are back together again, although it did take a year a half, and there was times the entire question was in doubt. She was even seeing someone on the side, although in a platonic way.

 

What he did in essense was he identified his weaknesses and sought to overcome them. He sought to improve himself mentally, emotionally, physically, pyschologically. He held out "hope against hope. Was prepared for the worse, but hoped for the best. He read quite a few books. He didn't pronounce his changes, he lived them. He walked the razor's edge for a year and half, and that's about how long his thread ran.

 

He accepted that his marriage was over, at least for yesterday, and today, and probally tomorrow? He took things one day at a time, didn't beg, didn't plead, didn't whine, didn't argue, didn't push, didn't pull.

 

Can you and the wife reconcile? Well it certainly lies within the relam of possibility, and could with due dillegence and a Hell of a lot of hard work? Lay within the relamn of probability?

 

But one thing is for sure and certain? You can never make it happen, you're going to have to let it happen.

 

You're going to have to become fluid and go with the flow, the hi's and the lows. Just like piloting a plane, cool, calm, collected, confident ~ prepared for anything. Always thinking ahead.

 

In her brief note? Your wife told you what she needed you to do, and what she needed from you.

 

The dinner? Its to open a dialog. That's what you need to be working on right opening a dialog. And for the Love of God, LISTEN. Don't try and solve the problems of the marriage, don't try and solve her problems. Just listen! I would suspect that most of the "controling" bit is your just not listening to her and what she's saying.

 

Women have a deeply ingrain need to talk. And don't fool yourself, it very much a need for them. (Generally speaking ~ there are always exceptions)

 

She doesn't trust you and she doesn't trust that you will change. Your back to square one as though you've just meet her for the very first time? You've got to start over again with this little gal. You've got to first build and on-going dialog, with the focus being not on you, not "us" not of winning her back, not on getting her back, not on saving your marriage. But, on her and her needs.

 

Goggle "Marriagebuilders" they've got a list of books there you need to bone up on. Then "Divorcebusters" and btw? Go and buy the book. Read it cover to cover five times as though it were the Gosspel and its just been announced that Judgement Day is first thing at O'Dark thirty tomorrow morning. Another couple of good ones? "The Five Languages Of Love" and (despite the title and it being a quick and easy read?) "Why Men Don't Have A Clue, and Women Need Another Pair of Shoes" (For you personally? This one book would be worth six months of therapy! )

 

Another good resource would be Dr. Hellen Kreidmen's "Light Her Fire" series. I can't link you because its a paid website. You'll have to Goggle it.

 

Here's ilmw (I Love My Wife)'s original thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t90264/?highlight=ilmw

 

You might want to thread/fourm search virtually and everything by LadyJane. You'll learn a lot from her. She posted a lot on ilmw's thread.

 

In the end? Its pretty much like Steve told Hellen, "Hell! There's just no way of telling!?" But unless you want to be sitting in the pilots retirement home talking about your first, second, third, and fourth ex-wife ~ its time to get back into school and learn what it is that you need to make a marraige/relationship work. I realize that most pilots make damn good money ~ but not when its divided up amongst four or five ex-wives?

 

Be willing to roll up your sleves, eat a little crow, do the necessary hard work that is going to be required of you with any woman, or in any marriage? And you might just pull out of this nose dive!

 

Good luck,

 

Gunny

[Gunny376]

I've got a book around here titled, "How To Win Back The One You Love", dual authored, one of the last name's being Weber. Goggle, I believe he's got a website. He's the original "dating-guru" You might want to pick that one up. He co-authored it with some Dr. whose name I forgot.

 

I'd have to look for it ~ trouble is? I own a lot of books? LOL!

[jtipouikidis]

I reallly think I am going to go to that dinner. Though I am going to take Gunny's advice, I will listen, I am and have not tried to ask her back, even on the phone. She even said tonight that she does see me making a lot of effort. I am in no hurry to get her back, I know that I have a lot to work on, and actually I have already read 5 love languages and just started divorce busters. They are definatly good books. I do want to do things right, again yes she did not give me any warning but I should not have given her any reason. I asked her tonight if she regreted marying me and she said no, so then I asked well what would you have done different, she said been more drastic closer to the beginning. She said she was wrong in not giving me any warning, she should have said something sooner. At this point it would be nice to think she could come back, but I do realize that that is only a very remote possibility. It is very true every morning I wake up and think as per previous advice I do not want to be that person any more and I am not going to be that person. I honestly want to work on myself, and she even said today she does see the effort that I am making. Oh by the way I am a pilot but just a flight instructor right now, we definatly do not make much money but it does lead to much better jobs in the not to distant future.

[Gunny376]

I reallly think I am going to go to that dinner. Though I am going to take Gunny's advice, I will listen, I am and have not tried to ask her back, even on the phone. She even said tonight that she does see me making a lot of effort. I am in no hurry to get her back, I know that I have a lot to work on, and actually I have already read 5 love languages and just started divorce busters. They are definatly good books. I do want to do things right, again yes she did not give me any warning but I should not have given her any reason. I asked her tonight if she regreted marying me and she said no, so then I asked well what would you have done different, she said been more drastic closer to the beginning. She said she was wrong in not giving me any warning, she should have said something sooner. At this point it would be nice to think she could come back, but I do realize that that is only a very remote possibility. It is very true every morning I wake up and think as per previous advice I do not want to be that person any more and I am not going to be that person. I honestly want to work on myself, and she even said today she does see the effort that I am making. Oh by the way I am a pilot but just a flight instructor right now, we definatly do not make much money but it does lead to much better jobs in the not to distant future.

 

You've recognized the "Key" components in all this? You've got to work on yourself, your responsible for yourself, your life, what to put in? What to leave out?

 

You've got to identify your weaknesses and seek self improvement, and that's a constant, on-going, daily thing! Its up to you to daily be the best that you can be!

 

You're the one that's responsible for your day to day happiness, not me, not your wife, not anyone else. And, most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be?

 

You want to control your woman? Understand her, get to know her, know her wants, her needs, her desires, her passions! And, then make them happen!

 

I'm going to catch a lot flack for this but its really just about one man loving one woman~ at one time and vice versa!

 

Marriage really is simple? LOL Woman happy ~ man happy!

 

I think you and she might have a shot? But? Here comes the "Yea but?..................................

 

Your going to have to start over, from the beginning. Talking, communicating, learning how to communicate, listening, comprehending, understanding.......................building a dialog.

 

Your going to have to earn each other's trust back. And that's a hard thing to do? Once bitten? Twice shy!

 

And that won't come easy? You're going to have earn it the old fashion way? Your going to have to work for it! Sweat for it! You're going to have to slave for it!

 

Its very much a case of "Working My Way Back To You Babe!" She's got to work her way back to you? And you've got to work your way back to her!

 

You've got to take it slow. You've got to lay a foundation. You've got to build upon that foundation.

 

Acquaitences, freinds, good friends, best of friends, best friends, best of best friends, ~ lovers. You've got to build a relationship from the ground up?

 

You've got to sell yourself, and sell what you've got, you've got to build value. "Hey, we've got something special you and I! Something you don't just find everyday? Something uniuqe!"

 

Yea! I go to the dinner, build raparrot, build value in yourself and in the relationship ~ but mostly just keep your damned mouth shut. She says something, say ~ "I understand" or "I feel the same way!" or "I never thought about it that way?" or "Oh, NOW I see!"

 

But mostly? Just listen to her talk, nod, make mental notes to build upon?

 

This dinner is going to be about her grievances about you ~ so take note. Its going to be about your shortcomings, your downfalls, your controlling behaviors, and her reasons for leaving you in the first place ~ (PS she really doesn't want to dump you, she wants you to be more attunded to her wants and needs ~ that is she wants you to pay more attention to HER THAN your personal passions ~ i.e. gambling, porn, gaming, flying, motorcross racing, football, NASCAR etc and whatever)

[jtipouikidis]

First of all I really want to thank everyone for their advice, it has really helped me especially through the NC (which in my case seemed to work) I do realize that at least for now there is no chance of us getting back together, as she said (although a little better then last time) it would take a small miricale. I do not want to get my hopes up or anything, I am working on myself and that is important. I am going to just sit there and listen to her next thursday, if anything I just want to end things without fighting over the small stuff. I still love her and all I want is for her to be happy, and if that is not with me then as much as it hurts then I will leave her alone.

[jtipouikidis]

I went to work today and did not contact her at all, I was going to just show up for the dinner. I went flying with a student and when I got down I checked my cell phone and she called and cancelled. Something came up but she sounded like she did not want to rebook. Why the heck would she plan something then cancel like this. I actually thought we would end things at least right. Wow why would someone do something like this, and the most wonderful thing is she has all my numbers, home work and cell, I have her work number so I could not get in contact with her.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I went to work today and did not contact her at all, I was going to just show up for the dinner. I went flying with a student and when I got down I checked my cell phone and she called and cancelled. Something came up but she sounded like she did not want to rebook. Why the heck would she plan something then cancel like this. I actually thought we would end things at least right. Wow why would someone do something like this, and the most wonderful thing is she has all my numbers, home work and cell, I have her work number so I could not get in contact with her.

 

I told you she was trying to play you man. something's going on!