...My boyfriend's best friend is a girl he once had feelings for...

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

I'm not the type to get very jealous but in this new relationship I'm in, I've been experiencing this feeling a lot more than I normally would. I feel like I am a very logical woman.

 

Anyway, I have been dating my boyfriend since September. He is the type to be almost brutally honest when letting me know about details from his past; in other words, Too Much Information. Before our second date, he let me know that he used to really, really, really like his best friend (she's a girl) and that they grew up together. They lost contact in elementary and middle school and then during the last part of high school they became best friends again. Throughout high school he had a huge crush on her, but she was always off with other boyfriends. The feelings started to fade and last December, they hooked up for the first time (didn't have sex, although she wanted to), and that was the one and only time that happened because during it he didn't feel anything for her. He said they both decided that they just wanted to remain best friends. Well, I have yet to meet Ashley (I will give her that name) because she lives 15 minutes away from my boyfriend R and is living with her current boyfriend so R and her rarely see each other anyway. They do talk often.

 

I have had relationships in the past where I didn't think twice about my boyfriends being friends with other women. At first, this relationship didn't bother me but it wasn't until later that I discovered that Ashley wanted to have sex with him that night. The part that bothers me most is that it took him so long to get over her and now they are best friends. It just doesn't sit right with me. I know I should have a talk with him and let him know that I do have boundaries with their relationship; IE: No flirting and inappropriate talk and also that I don't want him talking to her about problems within our relationship (though we haven't had many as it's the honeymoon phase). I've had problems throughout our relationship about him obsessing over this female celebrity that's on this TV show he loves. It's not that I mind him having a celebrity crush (everyone has one, I think so who cares) but when he talks about her it's in a disrespectful manner (IE: I would so cheat on you with her) and I know he's joking around but that hurts. This friendship hurts a lot more than those comments as I don't really understand it. Does anyone else have any opinions about this situation? Do you think I'm overreacting? I haven't said anything about it at all because I didn't want to be the overprotective girlfriend but they do hang out alone at times. He is very honest to me about his past and he has never cheated before. What should I do? Thank you.

 

P.S. When we first started dating, he made it clear that he has female friendships that he REFUSES to give up for anyone. This was said before our first date, so I feel like I can't say anything about this.

 

Edit: I forgot to add. A few weeks ago, he told me he had a dream where his ex-girlfriend of years ago approached him and asked to get back together but he said in the dream, "No because I love my girlfriend" and he also mentioned that Ashley approached him, too. He said this was a good sign because it means he is getting over all of the things from his past. While that dream made me smile it also made me wonder why is he telling me this about Ashley and still being best friends with her if he is getting over his past? Like why is she something he has to officially put to rest when they are still best friends? This is very odd in my eyes.

 

Edit 2: Also, when we went on our first date, she was the background of his phone and we always forget to take pics, so she has been for awhile. I know that he loves me but I don't know if this is overboard!

Edited December 27, 2007 by XxBacktoBlackXx

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

I'm also hesitant about bringing this up because I don't want to seem nagging as I have never been in our relationship. I don't want to be that girl, you know? But I just want opinions as to whether this is normal...I also feel silly bringing anything up because I just sent him a letter in the mail (we only live an hour and a half way from each other but I thought it would be sweet to send a love letter ), and I don't want him to think that I'm refuting it with complaints, because I do love him. I just feel uncomfortable with this situation and I don't want to get screwed over. I love doing little things for him like the love letters, backrubs, and taping his favorite shows and I don't want to feel like I am doing these things for someone that is dividing attention between two women. He always tells me he loves me more than anyone he has loved before and every night sends me voice mails telling me so while I'm asleep. When I was sick, he was going to drive to my house and bring me soup and give me a foot rub but I wouldn't let him because the roads were too bad. I know he loves me but, like I said, am I being blind to this situation with his best friend Ashley?

 

To add, he is 21 and I am 22.

Edited December 27, 2007 by XxBacktoBlackXx

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Does anyone have any ideas? Thanks. I appreciate your time and opinions.

[Jilly Bean]

I think it comes down to a very basis premise, X, and it is easily simplified.

 

Either you trust him and believe him that she doesn't mean anything and he has no feelings for her, or your don't, and you continue to make yourself crazy over-analyzing every nuance of their relationship. Your choice.

[Legend]

I think it comes down to a very basis premise, X, and it is easily simplified.

 

Either you trust him and believe him that she doesn't mean anything and he has no feelings for her, or your don't, and you continue to make yourself crazy over-analyzing every nuance of their relationship. Your choice.

Agreed. You're over analyzing everything. There's red flags though, and I personally wouldn't find this acceptable. Can you tolerate it?

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

I know that this is a process of over-analyzing. I wanted to type everything out so I could get some outside perspective. Thanks for the comments, though. I do appreciate it.

 

I'm wondering what you feel the red flags are? Thanks.

[Legend]

His BEST friend is another chick... major red flag, i wouldn't doubt that they're hooking up.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

But why would he be so honest with me about his past history with her if he was continuing to hook up with her? Wouldn't it have been better for him to lie and say that nothing had happened so that I wouldn't be very suspicious?

 

I do see what you're saying, though...

[Legend]

To play you of course? If you get so suspicious, that then you intern feel terrible about being suspicious because he's been so honest, you're then sitting with the feeling of guilt, when it's he who should feel guilty.

[Enema]

Throughout high school he had a huge crush on her.

Last December, they hooked up for the first time but didn't have sex because during it he didn't feel anything for her.

 

At least you're dating a guy who can tell a good story!

[sally4sara]

I would find it more odd that you've been dating someone for over three months and have yet to meet his best friend that is a girl he use to crush on that he fooled around with and apparently sees less of when she has a boyfriend. It makes it sound like their closeness is dependent on her being single. Why would that be.....hmmmm?

[underpants]

P.S. When we first started dating, he made it clear that he has female friendships that he REFUSES to give up for anyone. This was said before our first date, so I feel like I can't say anything about this.

 

This statement would give me cause to pull way back emotionally.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Ay, now I'm really confused. I am serious when I say that he has never been dishonest with me about anything and is always really blunt whenever I ask questions. I talked to him on the phone this evening for awhile but didn't bring this up. Thank you for your opinions. I appreciate them. Also, he is a virgin and yes I do believe him on that. He has never had sex because he is waiting for the right person, so that's why he didn't have sex with Ashley but they did everything else but sex. He did have feelings for her in the past but he said that when they were doing physical things, he didn't feel anything emotional behind it and that's how he realized he was over her.

 

How should I talk to him about this? I mean, what would you say/do in this situation?

Edited December 27, 2007 by XxBacktoBlackXx

[underpants]

How should I talk to him about this? I mean, what would you say/do in this situation?

 

That is a tough question and good for you for thinking about it, rather then taking an action then later second guessing yourself.

 

I would just feel a little apprehensive about such a guy, given what he has stated.

 

I don't want you to wind up being someone who he just 'had no feelings' once you have shared yourself (on any level with him).

 

Maybe it is time for you to start thinking about what you want and desire in someone. Once you get a grasp on that, then communicate with him and see if he can step up to it.

 

Really, honesty and communication are the best tools to get to know someone. I think. If it drives them away, then it is simply ...one less thing.

[Jilly Bean]

He did have feelings for her in the past but he said that when they were doing physical things, he didn't feel anything emotional behind it and that's how he realized he was over her.

 

 

Hon, this is the most convoluted logic I have ever heard from a healthy 20 year old male. He claims he was fooling around with her, but in the middle, realized he didn't love her IN THAT MOMENT and decided not to bang her? Er, maybe the guys can weigh in here, but I don't know many guys that would be stuffing Mr. Happy back in their pants and heading for the door.

 

I still think it comes down to a simple choice. Either you believe him, or not. It's not something you can broach without looking insecure. You CAN, however, suggest that you would very much like to meet her, and ask him to arrange a double date. Then you can guage their interaction.

[Legend]

Hon, this is the most convoluted logic I have ever heard from a healthy 20 year old male. He claims he was fooling around with her, but in the middle, realized he didn't love her IN THAT MOMENT and decided not to bang her? Er, maybe the guys can weigh in here, but I don't know many guys that would be stuffing Mr. Happy back in their pants and heading for the door.

 

I still think it comes down to a simple choice. Either you believe him, or not. It's not something you can broach without looking insecure. You CAN, however, suggest that you would very much like to meet her, and ask him to arrange a double date. Then you can guage their interaction.

jilly hits it the nail into the coffin dead on once again.

[D-Lish]

You have to meet her- that's a given. Someone who loves you will want you to meet everyone important in their life.

 

Whether he banged her or not... And if they truly are just friends- that's a part of his past. We all have a past.

 

I dated a guy and met two girls he had slept with and then remained friends with. I was okay with it- they made me feel welcome and comfortable that nothing was between them. Guess what??? I am now his friend- and I have met his new gf.... lol.

 

A meeting should occur though- so you can observe the dynamics between them. Think of it this way- had they wanted to date and be together...they would be after all this time. I don't think there is interest there.

[spookie]

Here's my .02.

 

Although a lot of people fit general rules about feelings and behaivior, there are always going to be those who don't. Typical guy rules state that he probably eitehr is or wants to be hooking up with her. But your guy may not be typical and you really have to go with your gut on this one.

 

One of my ex's best friends was a girl. They were friends all through their childhoods and he said he'd been in love with her on and off the whole time... until high school, when they dated, had sex once, and he realized he wasn't physically attracted to her. As he told me, he couldn't get it up for her, and she wasn't even wet, and that's how they knew they weren't destined to be together. Ex and I aren't together, but for different reasons, and his story was 100% true. I did end up meeting her, but not for 2 years (cause she went to college far away from us and was only in town for breaks, when I wasn't). I liked her when I did. She didn't strike me as the type to butt into his relationships and he was very affecitonate with me when we all hung out.

 

So what I'm saying is... not all people, and not all relationships, are going to fall into categories people dub "normal". It boils down to how trustworthy your guy is (have you ever caught him lying? what's his history with cheating?) and how YOU feel about all this, whether you can be ok with it.

[Trialbyfire]

It is very individual-reliant. While everyone has focused more on his behaviour, how about her behaviour? If both your b/f and his friend aren't invested, exes in many ways make perfect friends. When the emotions are gone, the last person you want to hook up with is an ex, because they're an ex for a reason.

 

I'm still friends with many of my exes but not close friends. When I was married, I would sometimes set up a conference call or a group chat, so my ex-H could join in the discussion. If he wanted, he could have had access to any chats, for the asking. He never bothered because he knew I wasn't the type to do anything like that and he was right.

 

I know this friend isn't an ex but the two did try to hook up. Judge by person but never give blind trust. Keep your eyes and ears open and as per advice from other members, meet her and/or talk to her. Most women have a sixth sense about other women. If those alarm bells are going off when you meet her, you know she's still got a thing for him. If she does, you have to wonder why he needs to keep her around. While many guys claim to be clueless about this type interest, if they were more honest with themselves and everyone else, they would acknowledge that it's partially for ego-stroking/validation.