Gwyneth Posted December 27, 2007 Share Posted December 27, 2007 No lectures please. Today out of no where MM asks me if I love him. The answer is no and I wasn't really sure how to answer him without hurting his feelings. Obviously he assumes I do love him--later admitting he does think I like him and that I want him. I am not sure what signals I sent out that are making him assume such things. From the start, we had always said this was Just an affair and there would be no feelings. I knew that would not work out and while I do have feelings for him, I'd rather not let him know. Why? Because he is married and while what we are doing is wrong enough, I just think bringing in discussions about our feelings for each other would make things more complicated than they already are. He says he knows I have feelings for him and that I want him--half true, and depends on the time of the month (cuz when I'm in b*tch mode, Watch out all men!). I then asked him if he does and said that since he's asking me then he must want to tell me he is or something. The fact that he's asking me if I love him is kind of absurd, don't you think? I don't understand WTF he's thinking and what his intentions are. I thought things were fine the way they were without bringing in feelings, or at least discussing them. I'd rather not know how he really feels, and I'd rather him not know how I feel. Maybe I'm wrong to think that way, but until he leaves his wife--if and when that Ever happens, then I do not think we should be disucssing whether or not we love each other. He then asked if I love him just a little bit. What is this? Is this normal behavoir for a man in general? I have Never been asked by a man if I love him. He was very persistent about this as well, asking me all day pretty much. It almost turned into an argument because he clearly does not see or get that I do Not want to discuss the L word with him. I found it to be Very inappropriate. Maybe I'm just too snobby? Please help. Please, no bitter lectures either. Heard it all--just want to know if this has happened to any of you and how you handled this before. Also want to know if this is normal for a man to ask, and how I should handle this. No lectures please--I cannot beg anymore for no lectures or a 20-page thread of arguments. Thank you. This is a Very sensitive topic for me and I hestitated to post this. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2007 Share Posted December 27, 2007 I am not sure what signals I sent out that are making him assume such things. From the start, we had always said this was Just an affair and there would be no feelings. Well, he could be curious as maybe he has developed feelings for you and wants to know how you feel compared to when you two first got together..Or, you are sending him mixed signals. You obviously care about him, you're emotionally attached to him, and so this is just the next step. To take things further. *No lectures*... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted December 27, 2007 Author Share Posted December 27, 2007 Well, he could be curious as maybe he has developed feelings for you and wants to know how you feel compared to when you two first got together..Or, you are sending him mixed signals. You obviously care about him, you're emotionally attached to him, and so this is just the next step. To take things further. *No lectures*... Thank you, whicywayisup. I appreciate your sensitive feeback. I am sure he is curious otherwise why would he be asking? I think you have made a good point here: maybe he has developed feelings for you and wants to know how you feel compared to when you two first got together. I do care about him--I care about anyone I am close to. There is nothing more special about the way I care about him compared to my best friends Link to post Share on other sites
stillhere Posted December 27, 2007 Share Posted December 27, 2007 I had told my MM that i was falling in love with him. That was it. He had asked a time or two why i hadn't said it, and my reply was "i can't bear to say it without hearing it back, so i just don't". MM was the first to say "i love you". That was 3 months into our R. I do think it's odd that your MM is so pushy about the subject. Clearly he's trying to stroke his ego, especially since your A is still an EA at this point. If you don't want to share feelings, don't. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2007 Share Posted December 27, 2007 There is nothing more special about the way I care about him compared to my best friends Okay, this is what i mean about mixed signals. Some of your previous posts 'screamed' that you loved your MM and that he was your soulmate. Maybe you meant on a bestfriend level, but to me, I've always thought you did love him, but just denied it or pushed it out of your head because he's married. That and he's admitted to you he can't stay faithful, he's cheated in the past and figures he'll cheat again in the future. So in that respect, allowing yourself to fall deeply for him is a mistake as he isn't someone who can stay faithful and be with just one person. Thank you, whicywayisup. I appreciate your sensitive feeback You're welcome. If you want to keep things on the straight and narrow, just tell him that you don't want to discuss feelings. Remind him of the 'rules' so to speak. But, in the meantime, maybe now is the time for you to do some thinking about this situation. What do you want out of it? Short term, long term...How long will it last before feelings get more in the way? Link to post Share on other sites
jessbaby24 Posted December 27, 2007 Share Posted December 27, 2007 I dont know maybe he's starting to have feelings for you and tryin to see if u feel the same.But maybe i shouldve went in my relationship with my guy(he's not married but lives with the mother of his children) without feelings.But he told me he loved me first surpisingly.We were talking one day and it just slipped out of his mouth lol.But if he knew that feelings arent supposed to be part of the affair then i dont know why he brought it up.But Most of us never stick to the rules anyways lol Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 27, 2007 Share Posted December 27, 2007 I'm sure you've read enough here to understand by now that one of the big reasons men enter into affairs is for the validation, for the ego strokes, for the admiration, for the attention they get from the OW. It's very likely he is needy for the 'love pat' from you - he wants to hear it because it will make him feel good about himself. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueEyedSarah Posted December 27, 2007 Share Posted December 27, 2007 Sounds like he is trying to boost he's ego. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted December 27, 2007 Author Share Posted December 27, 2007 I do think it's odd that your MM is so pushy about the subject. Clearly he's trying to stroke his ego, especially since your A is still an EA at this point. His self-esteem is lower than hell so I don't know if he's trying to strike it up this way. He can strike up his ego in any way he wants. You could be right though--I just do not know. He doesn't need to be pushy with me though--if he had an ego or was trying to boost up his ego, wouldn't he just take my answer "no" and say to himself, "she does, she's just stubborn?" Okay, this is what i mean about mixed signals. Some of your previous posts 'screamed' that you loved your MM and that he was your soulmate. Maybe you meant on a bestfriend level, but to me, I've always thought you did love him, but just denied it or pushed it out of your head because he's married. That and he's admitted to you he can't stay faithful, he's cheated in the past and figures he'll cheat again in the future. So in that respect, allowing yourself to fall deeply for him is a mistake as he isn't someone who can stay faithful and be with just one person. Maybe I do love him but just do not know I do. I am quite confused about my feelings for him, but one thing for sure is that I do not want to have that discussion with him. I'd rather at this point keept it to myself. If you want to keep things on the straight and narrow, just tell him that you don't want to discuss feelings. Remind him of the 'rules' so to speak. But, in the meantime, maybe now is the time for you to do some thinking about this situation. What do you want out of it? Short term, long term...How long will it last before feelings get more in the way? I did tell him I don't want to discuss this--he wasn't listening or paying attention. He just kept hounding me All day! I did remind him of the rules, his response was "You're in denial. Maybe you do not love me, but you have feelings for me, and it's okay to admit it." I want to cry! Link to post Share on other sites
jessbaby24 Posted December 27, 2007 Share Posted December 27, 2007 Yea i agree he just need something to boost his ego:rolleyes:. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted December 27, 2007 Author Share Posted December 27, 2007 I'm sure you've read enough here to understand by now that one of the big reasons men enter into affairs is for the validation, for the ego strokes, for the admiration, for the attention they get from the OW. It's very likely he is needy for the 'love pat' from you - he wants to hear it because it will make him feel good about himself. Yeah, I mean, him asking me this is a big deal breaker. Major turn-off, and I think I might let him know that. If he can't be man enough to stand up for how He feels, instead of hounding me for answers, then I don't know--he probably won't be Man enough to please me in bed either. I don't need this stress right now. This is really upsetting to me. The L word is a big deal to me and I don't use it loosly. I think it takes a Very long time to fall in love with someone. That is partially why I don't understand how he married this woman after four or five months of knowing her. Link to post Share on other sites
passionateconfusion Posted December 27, 2007 Share Posted December 27, 2007 I'm not sure if I missed in your post or not but does he love you? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2007 Share Posted December 27, 2007 Then just tell him if he continues pestering you about feelings, you're going to end it because the fun of the A is not happening anymore. THAT ought to shut him up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted December 27, 2007 Author Share Posted December 27, 2007 I'm not sure if I missed in your post or not but does he love you? I have thought for quite a while now that he does, but he has never said he does. I was pretty shocked when today he asks me if I love him--I thought that if he Did love me, then he was looking for validation to tell me He also does, or is just curious. Today would have been the perfect opportunity for him to confess any feelings he does have, but I don't think he expected me to react in this way--hysterical. Time will tell. Next time I see him, sometime this weekend, I will be brining this up with him again so that we can discuss this face to face and not through technology. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted December 27, 2007 Author Share Posted December 27, 2007 Then just tell him if he continues pestering you about feelings, you're going to end it because the fun of the A is not happening anymore. THAT ought to shut him up. Yeah, I was thinking about doing this, but as you said, I am emotionally attached, and I would be too upset to end it over something like this. I could send him the threat, though... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2007 Share Posted December 27, 2007 Wait a minute, he asked you this online? Not face to face? Don't bring it up at all. Ignore it. Wait for him to bring it up again, if it doesn't come up in conversation, then chalk it up to him looking for an ego feed. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2007 Share Posted December 27, 2007 I am emotionally attached, and I would be too upset to end it over something like this. Again, then you need to ask yourself "where is this EA going?" Sooner or later either something physical will happen between the two of you, or it will end. Keeping a budding friendship going, flirting, having emotional attachments to eachother gets boring eventually, so maybe he is trying to spice it up by asking if you love him, so it will lead to sex. Or, maybe he's bored and if you don't love him, he's going to end it because he wants more. Honestly Gwen, because of how you feel about him, I don't think you could handle having sex with him and NOT falling inlove with him. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 27, 2007 Share Posted December 27, 2007 I want to cry! but I don't think he expected me to react in this way--hysterical. Why? Why is this upsetting you so much? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted December 27, 2007 Author Share Posted December 27, 2007 Wait a minute, he asked you this online? Not face to face? Don't bring it up at all. Ignore it. Wait for him to bring it up again, if it doesn't come up in conversation, then chalk it up to him looking for an ego feed. It was through emails. Well it began with him and I joking around about something, and he said how we'd be good together, and I said "yeah like bonnie and clyde," and then he responded to what he meant by "we'd be good together," and that I shouldn't analyze it into meaning as a couple or something (he had to make sure I understood that in two emails) and then he said "I know you want me," blah blah blah. He did call me but I was unable to talk on the phone at the time--it was easier for me to email. If I was able to talk on the phone, we would have disucssed this on the phone. That's not an issue. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2007 Share Posted December 27, 2007 and then he responded to what he meant by "we'd be good together," and that I shouldn't analyze it into meaning as a couple or something (he had to make sure I understood that in two emails) and then he said "I know you want me," blah blah blah Okay, well from this, (and this is just my opinion, I could be wrong here) then it's possible HE thinks you're too attached to him, falling for him and he's reinforcing that you two are not a couple, or ever going to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted December 27, 2007 Share Posted December 27, 2007 I have never said to any of my MMs that I love them... Some have told me that they were thinking a lot about me... that they miss me when it's been awhile.. blablabla... I don't answer... I let them talk... they know I don't get emotionally involved. with my MM from work.. he told me many times (last year) that he loved me a lot... that he was crazy about me... I told him that the feeling was not shared... he just said that he would make me love him if he would leave his wife.. LOL... I don't think so... I told him not to talk about that anymore... it won't serve any purpose... LOL ... I even stop seeing him last year, when he said he wanted to leave his family... ooohhhh nooooo way... once a week is enough... He never mentioned it again.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted December 27, 2007 Author Share Posted December 27, 2007 Why? Why is this upsetting you so much? A few reasons: 1. He kept asking me over and over again and wasn't accepting my answer of "no, I'm not, stop asking." 2. I don't think he takes Love seriously--obviously, and to me it's such a special word to use and shouldn't be misused. 3. This is an Affair and he's married--that's morally wrong enough. Love? C'mon! whichwayisup I am emotionally attached, and I would be too upset to end it over something like this . Again, then you need to ask yourself "where is this EA going?" Sooner or later either something physical will happen between the two of you, or it will end. Keeping a budding friendship going, flirting, having emotional attachments to eachother gets boring eventually, so maybe he is trying to spice it up by asking if you love him, so it will lead to sex. Or, maybe he's bored and if you don't love him, he's going to end it because he wants more. Honestly Gwen, because of how you feel about him, I don't think you could handle having sex with him and NOT falling inlove with him. I really don't think about where it's going--it is what it is and I take it one day at a time. Maybe that's a wrong way to go about it, but right now I have got so many other things going on in my life that a long-term relationship is just not in my agenda. Especially with a married man. It's been five months--that's longer than I expected it. Like I said, it is what it is, and if this is the end, then it's the end. What can I do, kick and scream? No. I will just deal with it. Life goes on... Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted December 27, 2007 Share Posted December 27, 2007 Okay, well from this, (and this is just my opinion, I could be wrong here) then it's possible HE thinks you're too attached to him, falling for him and he's reinforcing that you two are not a couple, or ever going to be. I agree.. from what I understood, he wants to make sure you don't think you 2 can be a couple... Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 27, 2007 Share Posted December 27, 2007 A few reasons: 1. He kept asking me over and over again and wasn't accepting my answer of "no, I'm not, stop asking." 2. I don't think he takes Love seriously--obviously, and to me it's such a special word to use and shouldn't be misused. 3. This is an Affair and he's married--that's morally wrong enough. Love? C'mon! So, is it upsetting to you to realize that he would not take your love seriously if you did fall in love with him? That he doesn't get how serious love is to you, so if he really did believe you loved him it would piss you off that he would let that happen since he doesn't treat love the same way you do? Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted December 27, 2007 Share Posted December 27, 2007 A few reasons: 1. He kept asking me over and over again and wasn't accepting my answer of "no, I'm not, stop asking." 2. I don't think he takes Love seriously--obviously, and to me it's such a special word to use and shouldn't be misused. 3. This is an Affair and he's married--that's morally wrong enough. Love? C'mon! whichwayisup I really don't think about where it's going--it is what it is and I take it one day at a time. Maybe that's a wrong way to go about it, but right now I have got so many other things going on in my life that a long-term relationship is just not in my agenda. Especially with a married man. It's been five months--that's longer than I expected it. Like I said, it is what it is, and if this is the end, then it's the end. What can I do, kick and scream? No. I will just deal with it. Life goes on... Wow.. I must have missed a few posts... You say you're not in love with this guy... and it's an EA... ????? nothing physical? I think you're wasting your time dear... why bother... I don't get it. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts