MM asked if I love him

[smileysmile]

Hey Gwyneth

 

If you know he is M why are you in this situation with him?

 

Hmmm why does a woman always relate to his p*nis as small when they are angry? lol

 

Sorry..but I think you are pathetic. You both are. Plenty of single guys out there. And I think you should tell his W. Go on I dare you. Give me her number..I will tell her

[Owl]

Gwn-

 

To make sure I understand the situation, let me recap and see if I have it right:

 

-you have a "close friendship" with him. you "love him, but not in love with him" in a way? More like a "friends with benefits" kind of R more than anything else?

 

-those 'benefits' include lots of physical intimacy such as snuggling, hugs, kissing, 'necking', and 'touching'...but nothing further than that

 

-you feel (felt?) as though you were 'soulmates'...in a friendship way? rather than in a 'in love' way?

 

Given all of that...

 

Either he wanted to see if you were 'falling for him' and hope that he could take this to the next "physical level" with you...

 

Or...he was falling in love with you.

 

Most people can't keep love and sex seperate. Once one starts, the other normally follows. Being physically intimate AND emotionally intimate are normal. And it sounds as though you were comfortable with the level that it was at...but he wasn't. Either physically, or emotionally...or both. He wanted more.

[imstunned]

Wow - gwen I'm kind of speechelss. That was some e-mail you sent him. I would doubt he is going to like that!!

 

I tend to keep out of your posts as I dont really understand where you are comming from. I remember reading one recently where you said that you felt that the signs were that though your MM hadnt left his wife yet the signs were that he would soon be doing so, and yet you havent been intimate and havent discussed how you feel. I think that you thought he did love you and have now perhaps realised that he in fact dosent, and feel a fool, mislead and angry.

 

I think that you are in love with him and are not as in control of the situation as you think. I dont mean that as a bashing but his e-mail that you intepreted as cold from him resulted in a total tirade from you!! I cant really wrap my head around why on earth it has made you so angry.

 

It wouldnt suprise me if that e-mail singlas the end of the affair. How would you feel about that possibility Gwen? I just cant see what you are getting out of this, or what you want. And I dont mean to come across as bashing, at all, so please dont take it that way. X

[noforgiveness]

Something is missing with this story.

I'm still trying to figure out why you sent him that horrible nasty email threatening to tell his wife.

 

You don't have to worry about yours or his feelings anymore. After that email he is running away from you as fast as he can. That was crazy and vengeful threatening to tell his wife. WOW You knew what you were doing. You knew he was married and because he's not giving you the answers you want to hear you threaten him?:bunny:

[noforgiveness]

I think that you are in love with him and are not as in control of the situation as you think. I dont mean that as a bashing but his e-mail that you intepreted as cold from him resulted in a total tirade from you!! I cant really wrap my head around why on earth it has made you so angry.

 

Exactly. I think the threats of telling the wife were to try to gain control over him. It's almost like she is blackmailing him.

[JamesM]

I am puzzled. Why the email? What about his emails made you that angry?

 

As a guy, I can say that there are many reasons that he is asking how you feel about him. One is the sex, but it seems that since the two of you have never slept together, then his motive may be more than that. His motive to me seems that he really does care for you. His "You know you care for me" comments are fishing expeditions. He is looking for reciprocation from you. He is having his doubts about your feelings for him, and he wants an affirmation from you.

 

There are two reasons I see for his behavior....

 

One...

A man that has an EA with little PA is in it for much more than sex and manipulation. While I think he should spend his energy on his marriage, the energy he is spending on you is not simply because he wants sex.

 

Two...

Having said that, if you have refused to take it to bed with him, then he could see you as a challenge. The feelings conversation could be his way of getting you to bed with him.

 

Either way, this whole thread may be a moot point after he receives that email. The result will be one of two things...he will stop all contact (unlikely), or he will try to patch things up. Patching things up will be motivated by either true feelings for you, or it will be motivated by his fear of the revelation of his affair with you.

[frannie]

 

Today out of no where MM asks me if I love him. The answer is no and I wasn't really sure how to answer him without hurting his feelings.

 

... and then a day later you send him such a bitter and angry and threatening email..? Why such a huge reaction and turnaround from you? Just because he sent you a 'cold' email this morning..?

 

Do you want him to fall for you and tell you his feelings and leave his W, all the time while you are telling him you will not share how you feel..? Is that why you are getting angry with him and insulting of him..? Or what is causing it all..?

[bish]

What is this? Is this normal behavoir for a man in general? I have Never been asked by a man if I love him. He was very persistent about this as well, asking me all day pretty much. It almost turned into an argument because he clearly does not see or get that I do Not want to discuss the L word with him.

I found it to be Very inappropriate. Maybe I'm just too snobby?

 

Please help.

 

 

Help what? You said you don't love him, you have announced to this forum over and over again that you are doing nothing wrong....so what is there to help...you don't love him. There is no problem.

[underpants]

I think the Holidays brings the crazy out in some people.

[Gwyneth]

I sent him that email because I'm deeply hurt and affected by his question, assumptions, and reactions. It seems that whenever I make him feel stupid, he comes back with a let down. I'm on the verge of tears all day--my stomach in knots. This isn't the first time he has received a nasty email from me--im allowed to speak my mind. He and I have been through this before--i have sent him similiar emails and he Always forgives me. I don't know why--im mean but he Always forgives me.

 

Owl, yes--soulmates as in friends. I care abt him like a friend. I thought he and I had an agreement about what we were to each other and what we mean to each other. He has turned this into a one-sided emotional R. I do not understand why he is so insisting that I have feelings, then when I shot him down, that's when he says he has no feelings.

 

Maybe he did want to tell me how he feels, but he just should have instead of making me look like the only one with feelings. How he assumes I have feelings for him--i don't like that. He was pressuring me to say "yes, I'm madly in love with you," because that's obviously what he wanted and expected to hear.

 

I'm upset for many reasons. Ill explain more later because I'm at work right now.

 

I don't expect a reply from him--i think at this point its best to go our seperate ways.

[Owl]

What did you really WANT out of this relationship with him?

 

Where did you expect it to go?

[JamesM]

I sent him that email because I'm deeply hurt and affected by his question, assumptions, and reactions. It seems that whenever I make him feel stupid, he comes back with a let down. I'm on the verge of tears all day--my stomach in knots. This isn't the first time he has received a nasty email from me--im allowed to speak my mind. He and I have been through this before--i have sent him similiar emails and he Always forgives me. I don't know why--im mean but he Always forgives me.

 

 

Why do you make him feel stupid? Perhaps I missed it...how did you make him feel stupid?

 

Why are you mean to him, and why do you think he forgives you and keeps coming back for more?

 

His forgiveness and long suffering indicates that he has a level of feelings for you that is much more than sexual. While I question why he puts up with such treatment, he must feel that you are worth the pain.

 

Knowing that you can speak your mind and that he will come back, does this give you the "freedom" to treat him with disrespect? Perhaps there is some deeper meaning to you having a relationship with a man who you know can be kept at bay because he is married?

 

Does his "need" for some sort of proclamation of your feelings scare you? Do committed relationships scare you.

 

Maybe I am getting too psychological, but it seems this goes much deeper than him simply asking for a validation of your feelings.

[OWoman]

Maybe he did want to tell me how he feels, but he just should have instead of making me look like the only one with feelings. How he assumes I have feelings for him--i don't like that. He was pressuring me to say "yes, I'm madly in love with you," because that's obviously what he wanted and expected to hear.

 

This is what I suspect. He wanted to keep the upper hand, not to put himself out on a limb. He can't afford to be the one in the powerless position here - he's M...

[GreenEyedLady]

OP:

 

What are you doing? You blew something little into something *huge*...I am wondering why you couldn't just give it a day or two and talk about it when you're calm...

[nextel]

Acting out of anger will cloud your judgement. But this is a lesson learned. When you are angry, take the time to calm down, evaluate a situation and then go from there. Sometimes, women tend to overreact.

[whichwayisup]

This isn't the first time he has received a nasty email from me--im allowed to speak my mind. He and I have been through this before--i have sent him similiar emails and he Always forgives me. I don't know why--im mean but he Always forgives me.

The letter definately screams that you love him, I mean to have such a reaction to his cool email to you is abit over the top. What exactly did he say that got you going like this?

 

I'm not sure what the intent was on the letter, maybe it would have been best to have that letter as a draft, a venting for yourself...Then, re-write it and send a more thought out note rather than one on pure anger and raw emotion.

 

You are lucky that he has forgiven you in the past, so maybe he'll forgive you on this one...I do have to say though, sorry Gwen, but swearing at him, calling him stupid amongst other words, threatening him, purposely trying to hurt him - Well, this time you could have taken things too far.

 

Don't contact him, let him contact you. And, let him talk if he does contact you. He has a right to be angry with you after that letter...Especially if the feelings are/were real all along.

[Gwyneth]

Why do you make him feel stupid? Perhaps I missed it...how did you make him feel stupid?

 

Why are you mean to him, and why do you think he forgives you and keeps coming back for more?

 

His forgiveness and long suffering indicates that he has a level of feelings for you that is much more than sexual. While I question why he puts up with such treatment, he must feel that you are worth the pain.

 

Knowing that you can speak your mind and that he will come back, does this give you the "freedom" to treat him with disrespect? Perhaps there is some deeper meaning to you having a relationship with a man who you know can be kept at bay because he is married?

 

Does his "need" for some sort of proclamation of your feelings scare you? Do committed relationships scare you.

 

Maybe I am getting too psychological, but it seems this goes much deeper than him simply asking for a validation of your feelings.

 

I made him feel stupid by Not agreeing with him on my feelings. I am angry because I told him I did not want to discuss feelings with him--not via email at least. So he called but I was busy and couldn't speak with him. He kept All afternoon insisting I have feelings for him and in love with him--even just a little bit.

 

Who is HE to tell me how I feel about him? I just find that Extremly disturbing and irritating.I let him down by disagreeing with his assumptions--hence, he most likely felt stupid.

 

He says I Always overreact which is why he has Always easily forgave me when I have gone off on him in the past. To be honest, I don't give a flying duck if he is as forgiving this time around. Who is he to just assume--and insist--that I'm in love with him--and beg me to admit it? Whether I have feelings for him or not is irrelevant because I first told him I didn't want to discuss this, then I denied it (or the other way around--i forget now).

 

According to him, his wife knows abt me and suspects things. She asks who's Gwyneth all the time. Well she did call me that one time and breathed in my ear--five times in one night.

 

I have no regrets sending that email. I don't get why he felt the need to go there yesterday and not stop when I asked him to.

[Owl]

I'm still curious...

 

What did you want out of this relationship with him?

 

Where did you see it going?

 

You weren't "in love" with him. You felt that the two of you were best friend soulmates. That this friendship extended to some level of physical intimacy as well, but not to full intercourse.

 

While women can often maintain that kind of friendship, guys generally don't work like that.

 

Does it surprise you that he wanted more than that? He either expected more from you emotionally (that you loved him), or he was trying to play on that to get more physically (you would do 'that' for me if you loved me).

 

 

Where did you see this relationship going in the future?

[Gwyneth]

The letter definately screams that you love him, I mean to have such a reaction to his cool email to you is abit over the top. What exactly did he say that got you going like this?

 

I'm not sure what the intent was on the letter, maybe it would have been best to have that letter as a draft, a venting for yourself...Then, re-write it and send a more thought out note rather than one on pure anger and raw emotion.

 

You are lucky that he has forgiven you in the past, so maybe he'll forgive you on this one...I do have to say though, sorry Gwen, but swearing at him, calling him stupid amongst other words, threatening him, purposely trying to hurt him - Well, this time you could have taken things too far.

 

Don't contact him, let him contact you. And, let him talk if he does contact you. He has a right to be angry with you after that letter...Especially if the feelings are/were real all along.

 

Whether it screams I love him or not, he is So convinced I am in love with him that every thing and anything I do he will think I love him.

 

I don't care for forgiveness--maybe this is closure. I am so beyond fed up at this point.

 

Ill be seeing him this weekend--work related. It will be difficult, but ill get through it. He has crossed the line with his persistancy and assumptions. The way he kept asking makes me cringe, "c'mon, just admit you have feelings for me--its ok if you do." WTF???

 

If he has feelings than instead of acting retarded about it, he should have discussed it in a more personal setting. I just don't think its fair how he handled this and not expect me to be upset.

[JackJack]

He has crossed the line with his persistancy and assumptions. The way he kept asking makes me cringe, "c'mon, just admit you have feelings for me--its ok if you do." WTF???

 

 

-Since it makes you "cringe" and you do not like his assumptions anyway, then its probably your cue to cut things loose with him for good. If that made you cringe then there is no point in to try to continue to friendship/relationship.

[Gwyneth]

Owl: I'm still curious...

 

What did you want out of this relationship with him?

 

I thought we both wanted to be friends with benefits. We discussed when we first got in this that it was only an affair--nothing long-term or promising.

 

Where did you see it going?

 

Right now I thought we were getting along really well--we always had. But right now we were especially getting closer and getting along very well. I just don't understand why he Always has to open his mouth and say stupid things.

 

You weren't "in love" with him. You felt that the two of you were best friend soulmates. That this friendship extended to some level of physical intimacy as well, but not to full intercourse.

 

We would have had intercourse next month maybe--oh well now. It was just that we didn't have a place to do it--cars and motels are not my style. He knew that we were going to do it--we always discussed it. We just didn't have a place to do it. We discussed it almost every day. I just don't get why he had to know my feelings when he then claims he has none--why does he care then? He even said yesterday that I'm a wonderful woman and he always says complimenting things about me.

 

While women can often maintain that kind of friendship, guys generally don't work like that.

 

Maintain what kind of relationship--friends with benefits? Why not? He's married--he shouldn't be maintaining Any kind of R with me.

 

Does it surprise you that he wanted more than that? He either expected more from you emotionally (that you loved him), or he was trying to play on that to get more physically (you would do 'that' for me if you loved me).

 

He didn't need to know if I loved him to have sex with me--we were going to whether he knew or not. Now I'm not so sure about that--even if he forgives me, he has a Lot of sucking up to do now. We are back at square one. What am I saying? We are at ground zero--nothing at all. It's over--I just cannot get over him asking me these questions, and neither can my frirends, including male friends.

 

Where did you see this relationship going in the future?

 

I really tried not to think about where this was going because I knew it was based on an existing marriage. I wasn't going to fool myself into thinking he was going to leave his wife. I wasn't fantasizing about a future with him. I was just existing in this for the moment.

[Gwyneth]

This was the email I had sent to him before his reply that he has no feelings for me:

 

Why are you assuming I want you? I never said I want you. If you have

feelings or feel that you are falling in love with me, then just say you

are--don't try to put it all on me. That isn't fair at all. When you are

ready to admit how you feel then I can share how I feel. Don't assume or

have high expectations.

 

That was when he finally said to me that he doesn't want to talk about it, and that he doesn't have feelings. Then I sent the email I posted already. This is also an email which I feel I have made a fool out of him and he now feels stupid because here he is thinking I'm head over heels for him, then I sent him this email. So I am sure he has doubts now--unless he's that egotistical.

[noforgiveness]

This sounds like nothing but game playing and egos circling. Silly school girl games. i won't tell you my feelings till you tell me yours. Very silly mind games.

[EnigmasMuse]

This sounds like nothing but game playing and egos circling. Silly school girl games. i won't tell you my feelings till you tell me yours. Very silly mind games.

 

 

I second this.

[reboot]

Where do you guys get together for all these talks and cuddling and "almost doing it" and stuff, and why can't you do "it" there?