MM asked if I love him

[child_of_isis]

Every calculated action has an anticipated re-action.

 

When he e-mailed you, he knew he would get a reaction.

 

So now, everyone will pull back for a while.

 

Then the pining will start.

 

Then the "let's make up" phase. Maybe this time the longing will generate some sex?

 

Btter watch yourself. It could be a set up.

This was the email I had sent to him before his reply that he has no feelings for me:

 

Why are you assuming I want you? I never said I want you. If you have

feelings or feel that you are falling in love with me, then just say you

are--don't try to put it all on me. That isn't fair at all. When you are

ready to admit how you feel then I can share how I feel. Don't assume or

have high expectations.

 

That was when he finally said to me that he doesn't want to talk about it, and that he doesn't have feelings. Then I sent the email I posted already. This is also an email which I feel I have made a fool out of him and he now feels stupid because here he is thinking I'm head over heels for him, then I sent him this email. So I am sure he has doubts now--unless he's that egotistical.

[Gwyneth]

Where do you guys get together for all these talks and cuddling and "almost doing it" and stuff, and why can't you do "it" there?

 

Where he works.

[Gwyneth]

Every calculated action has an anticipated re-action.

 

When he e-mailed you, he knew he would get a reaction.

 

So now, everyone will pull back for a while.

 

Then the pining will start.

 

Then the "let's make up" phase. Maybe this time the longing will generate some sex?

 

Btter watch yourself. It could be a set up.

 

I don't think so. I don't think he thought I'd react this way. He's not That smart to pre-set this up as a set-up.

[Gwyneth]

Why do you make him feel stupid? Perhaps I missed it...how did you make him feel stupid?

 

Why are you mean to him, and why do you think he forgives you and keeps coming back for more?

 

His forgiveness and long suffering indicates that he has a level of feelings for you that is much more than sexual. While I question why he puts up with such treatment, he must feel that you are worth the pain.

 

Knowing that you can speak your mind and that he will come back, does this give you the "freedom" to treat him with disrespect? Perhaps there is some deeper meaning to you having a relationship with a man who you know can be kept at bay because he is married?

 

Does his "need" for some sort of proclamation of your feelings scare you? Do committed relationships scare you.

 

Maybe I am getting too psychological, but it seems this goes much deeper than him simply asking for a validation of your feelings.

 

 

I was just rereading this post and felt that I didn't fully answer it earlier.

 

You asked:

 

Perhaps there is some deeper meaning to you having a relationship with a man who you know can be kept at bay because he is married?

 

This is actually a good question. I have been very hurt in the past by a couple relationships of mine. Having a committed boyfriend has never been a priority--I like to keep it on the DL and casual.

 

Does his "need" for some sort of proclamation of your feelings scare you? Do committed relationships scare you.

 

I think his need for some proclamation of my feelings scares me more than a committed relationship does. I just do not understand why the need to know how I feel for him. And when I asked him why he wants to know, he just said "just answer the question." You'd think after his first couple of attempts that he would have quite asking, but he didn't. He kept hounding and hounding. That is a bit scary to me.

 

His forgiveness and long suffering indicates that he has a level of feelings for you that is much more than sexual. While I question why he puts up with such treatment, he must feel that you are worth the pain.

 

I have said many times in this forum that I thought he was in love with me--that was just an innocent theory of mine. I never really Wanted a confirmation on this, and I think that when he brought it up yesterday, I became freaked out because I like to keep this R as superficial as it is. I sometimes think once feelings are out in the open, things change--either for the best or worst. Obviously it has turned for the worst for us.

 

I know what will happen--it's Always predictable. He's going to try to talk to me and get back into my life, as always. He Always has forgiven me and I have said worse things. It's like he just doesn't care what I say--well he cares, but not enough to lose me. Things were So freakin' good between he and I and now this. It always starts with him opening his mouth and saying something irrational--such as, "do you love me." To me, that's irrational, especially after I told him a few times I didn't want to discuss it. I only knew we'd lie to each other about the truth of our feelings for one another and felt that it was uncecessary at this point to discuss it. Like I said, I wanted to keep this R as superficial as it is--it was working out well that way, and he knew that. So why his sudden interest in my feelings? He woudln't answer that question for me.

[child_of_isis]

So, ask him again.

 

and again and again

 

and again.

 

Hound him.

 

Show him how it feels.

So why his sudden interest in my feelings? He woudln't answer that question for me.

[whichwayisup]

Like I said, I wanted to keep this R as superficial as it is--it was working out well that way, and he knew that. So why his sudden interest in my feelings? He woudln't answer that question for me.

 

Then tell him exactly this. Tell him "you don't mean much to me, I want to feel detached and free. If you can handle that, act like a robot around me, great, we'll get along fine. Anything outside of that, forget it, don't bother getting intouch with me." Then see what he does.

 

Gwen, I still think HE is confused as you say one thing, but act a different way when you're with him. He obviously can't understand that you, being a woman, can separate love and emotions. That is more a guy thing, than a female thing...

 

Anyway, good luck at work with him.

[Gwyneth]

Then tell him exactly this. Tell him "you don't mean much to me, I want to feel detached and free. If you can handle that, act like a robot around me, great, we'll get along fine. Anything outside of that, forget it, don't bother getting intouch with me." Then see what he does.

 

Gwen, I still think HE is confused as you say one thing, but act a different way when you're with him. He obviously can't understand that you, being a woman, can separate love and emotions. That is more a guy thing, than a female thing...

 

Anyway, good luck at work with him.

 

I wouldn't say it so harshly, but I thought we were both in the understanding that this was a superficial R. I thought we were both with the understanding That there were to be no feelings and no falling in love. That was His plan--not mine. I knew it was impossible, but him being a guy thought it wasn't. Whatever. My feeling is, why ask if you weren't going to act upon it? I asked him in that email--which I'm sure he will not respond to--what he would have done if I said "yes dear, I'm Madly in love with you and want you more than anything," was he going to leave his wife for me? No, so why does it matter to him how I feel? He was pesturing me and I do not care for that. It's immature and unecessary. He knows how I feel about what he has done and now it's his turn to reply to me. Maybe when I see him Saturday at his job he will say something--maybe not. I haven't decided how I will react when I see him--should I look the other way, or give him the opportunity to speak? In his last email, he said he didn't want to talk [about feelings] and I think he only said that because he was replying to an email where I asked "why are you assuming I have feelings for you or am in love with you." I know him well enough to know that he will react depending on what kind of react He gets. He most likely expected me to admit I have some kind of feelings for him--maybe because he needed an ego boost, or maybe because he wanted to share his equal feelings for me. Whatever it is, he didn't need to take it as far as he did. yes, I took it even further, but that is because I am really upset with the way he handled such a sensitive issue. Feelings should not be discussed in the manner he approached it. Pesturing someone to admit they like you? What is this, the fifth grade? Jerk.

[Owl]

A LOT of affairs start out with that intent...its going to remain just physical.

 

But the reality is that most people can't seperate physical intimacy from emotional intimacy.

 

What happened with you is VERY common in relationships that start out with the premise that yours did. One or the other of the affair partners ends up falling in love with the other. Or both do.

[st951]

Hi Gwyneth,

 

I'm new here, but I've been lurking for a while reading your story.

 

It seems to be that ultimately what you feel for this man is contempt. And you want to have the upper hand at all times.

 

I don't see that you will get much satisfaction out of continuing to react with him. If you feel a little contempt now, you will feel a lot more later, if you get more involved with him. And then at some point you will feel stuck and resentful.

 

You may feel that if will be impossible for him to realy hurt you in a deply emotional way when you feel contempt for him, and that may be true. But this can backfire. He may find other ways to hurt you such as your career.

 

So be careful.

 

I don't think you really want him and it isn't worth destroying your career over him just to play with him in this cat=mouse game.

[OWoman]

A LOT of affairs start out with that intent...its going to remain just physical.

 

But the reality is that most people can't seperate physical intimacy from emotional intimacy.

 

What happened with you is VERY common in relationships that start out with the premise that yours did. One or the other of the affair partners ends up falling in love with the other. Or both do.

 

Agree. In my experience it's usually the guy that falls in love. But this time round it was both of us.

[Owl]

I agree...often it IS the guy who falls in love in a "just sex" relationship.

 

Guys equate sex with love much more than most women realize.

 

Someone else posted on another site recently talking about how for women, its the little caring things that say I love you. And that those little caring things that say I love you add up and create the desire for sexualy intimacy as part of that love.

 

Guys view sex as an expression and extension of their love for the woman. Its both how a guy feels loved by that woman, and how he expresses that love for her.

 

And even if there's no 'love' to begin with, its hard to seperate that emotional and physical intimacy.

[Gwyneth]

I am liking your theories, Owl. The more I think about his questions and interest in my feelings, the more I wonder if he is the one falling in love. I think the last email he sent me--the cold one--may indicate he was upset with my sharp response to his assumptions (the email where I asked him why he assumes I love him and that I never told I do.

 

I am planning on having a mature conversation with him tomorrow. I realize we need to comminicate face to face--not via email or phone.

[Gwyneth]

I saw him today. He said hi and then we talked. He said my email to him was messed up and I said some really nasty things. He felt I overreacted--he doesn't get why him asking if I love him upset me. He then reminded me that he was asking as a joke--i told him it wasn't funny because I took him asking seriously and what would he have said if my answer was Yes. He shrugged and just starred at me. He did find it in his heart to forgive me, as did I, and we decided we would continue our affair. We both agreed that it was just stupid and to forget about the questions and email I sent to him.

 

I am a bit surprised he did forgive me, but as I said, he Always does. At first he was acting like its over--very dramatic of him. He was acting like that was what he wanted but I could tell it wasnt--and I was right.

 

I still think he is denying feelings he has for me as am I, but I'm just not ready to have that conversation with him. I like the way things are--noncommital and interesting.

[whichwayisup]

Well, good luck with him...You two are seriously playing with fire and one day you'll both get burned. But, it seems now each of you know what's what.

[Gwyneth]

But, it seems now each of you know what's what.

 

Thank you, but...hardly do each of us know what's what...

[PoshPrincess]

Today out of no where MM asks me if I love him. The answer is no

 

Sorry, but if you don't love him then why are you with him? Why put yourself through the draining emotions of an A? I don't know your full story and haven't time to read the whole thread so is this just a PA for you?

 

He could be asking you because he wants more from you (if you are in 'just a pa') or he may just want his ego feeding. He's a man so who knows? Is he the sort of man who wears his heart on his sleeve normally? Whatever the answer, it could be a bit of game-playing on his part. If he loves you then he should just come out and say it rather than have that whole "I'll tell you I love you, if you tell me you love me" thing going on!

[OWoman]

Sorry, but if you don't love him then why are you with him? Why put yourself through the draining emotions of an A?

 

A's do not need to involve draining emotions. I've had plenty which didn't. The emotional draining only happens when one or both of the partners is in love.

[Gwyneth]

Yeah, I don't think love and an affair go well at all. It only hurts more when you love the person and it has to end, as most affairs have to end at some point.

 

We discussed yesterday why we are in this--because we are enjoying it. Sick but it's true. He asked what am I getting out of this, and I told him that I'm not fooling myself into thinking he's going to leave his wife and marry me. I don't thikn he believes me when I tell him I have no feelings other than sexual for him, and I don't believe him either.

 

He says let's forget about every thing that happened last week, but something tells me he's still upset, and I do not think he's upset about the email I sent to him. I think he's more upset that I told him I do not have feelings for him. Maybe I am just convincing myself that is why he's upset.

 

It is what it is, and if it's over, it's over. I can't make him get over all of this and stay with me.

[whichwayisup]

A's do not need to involve draining emotions. I've had plenty which didn't. The emotional draining only happens when one or both of the partners is in love.

 

Obviously by their reactions, there are feelings involved otherwise the big drama, emails back and forth wouldn't have affected them both so deeply. This A is afew weeks away from becoming a full-on affair in every way. I think they both know it too..

[Gwyneth]

I decided that I am just going to be honest with him about my true feelings and stop denying it to myself and to him. Right now for the both of us I think it's best that I tell him my feelings go beyond just desires and lust. I can't keep on denying this. While I am not in love with him, I care for him more than I have admitted to anyone here or my friends or to him. It's killing me keeping this inside. I have a lot going on this week anyway--I'm moving and will be busy with unpacking and what not. I really do not know what to expect as far as a reaction from him when I tell him I do have feelings for him. I am not in love with him though--and if I am, then I don't know I am, and I am not ready to admit if I do.

 

Does anyone agree or disagree that I should be honest with him about my true feelings? I'm hopeless here.

[bish]

This sounds like nothing but game playing and egos circling. Silly school girl games. i won't tell you my feelings till you tell me yours. Very silly mind games.

 

Thats what I thought.

[bish]

Geez...this post is pretty damn pathetic.

 

I think this is what you should do and get it over with.

 

Rat him out to his wife...and for your role in things...when you rat him out to her, to her face, stand there with your hands behind your back and say, "give me what you got....I deserve it".

 

Do that to get this whole A over with so you can move on and quit complaining about a guy that simply wants to believe that you love him...gee...what a freakin' crime!!!

[whichwayisup]

Does anyone agree or disagree that I should be honest with him about my true feelings? I'm hopeless here

 

Even if you tell him how you feel, and he tells you how you feel - What happens then? A loving affair? He's told you he isn't going to leave his wife, he has a stepchild, and he's told you that he cannot be faithful to anyone. You've also said that you don't want to marry him in the future, that he isn't the right person for you even though he is your soulmate feeling-wise.

 

Gwen, you really need to do some thinking. ALONE. Decide what you want and why because if you jump into this hole, you'll take a long time to get out of the hole, let alone recovering from it.

 

You're gonna do what you're gonna do, but seriously think about ending it. If you are now looking for love, a lasting relationship, HE is not the one to give that to you. He has a family already, a life built with someone else...

[Gwyneth]

I'm not going to rat him out to his wife. I'm one of those people who says things they don't mean whey they're upset and angry. He knows that too, and he knows I'd never tell her. He said he'd tell her if he has to and that I shouldn't. Well that's his choice--I can't make him. He said she'd leave him anyway.

 

I do need to think about this Alone and decide for myself. I'm heavily leaning toward just telling him. I'm tired of lying and mostly to myself. I was in major denial. I don't love him though. I could fall in love with him, but the opportunity really hasn't presented itself. This isn't love--it's games with a bit of feelings. We're both so darn confused it's sick.

 

[underpants]

Cool,

 

More single and available men for me.