MM asked if I love him

[Gwyneth]

Okay, well from this, (and this is just my opinion, I could be wrong here) then it's possible HE thinks you're too attached to him, falling for him and he's reinforcing that you two are not a couple, or ever going to be.

 

He responded with that after I blew off what he said. Every time I turn what he says around, he jumps back with defense. He's very defensive.

 

He's always telling me how much he misses me, and he calls me every chance he gets--two, three times per day. It's lovely and all, but if he's all about boosting his midget ego, then that's just a deal breaker.

 

I think I will have this conversation with him next time I see him. I'm just very annoyed by his questions today--like what is he trying to do or prove?

 

If he's trying to see if feelings have changed and we're at the same place, then that's fine--let's discuss this like human adults, not two animals hot and heavy and all about ego boosting.

 

If he's only asking to boost his ego, then goodbye! Go back to the wife. I mean who needs that? Not me, certainly Not me! I'd be happy single without the drama. I'll deal with my emotional attachment somehow--I have a lot coming up so that will be a distraction anyway.

[Gwyneth]

I agree.. from what I understood, he wants to make sure you don't think you 2 can be a couple...

 

Then...

 

he shouldn't ask what we are--bf and gf.

 

he shouldn't tell me he misses me.

 

he shouldn't email me all day long.

 

he should't call me all day long.

 

he shouldn't hug me and tell me he's becoming more and more comfortable with me...

 

he shouldn't give a hoot if I love him--he just shouldn't even think about discussing it! He should back up far away if he thinks I'm too attached.

 

He shows more attachment than I think I do--I am not the one calling him or emailing him all the time. I will email back, but his emails are quite mushy.

 

There are Many ways he could handle detaching me from him. He's not--he's just trying to make me more and more attached.

[stillhere]

Some men don't use the "love" word unless it means something to them. Some use it to get in the girls pants. Sounds like he's aiming for the latter.

 

I know my MM was insecure at times, especially when i didn't tell him that i loved him often. As in daily or every other day. I was afraid that overuse would make it less special.

 

Like i said, it looks like he's looking to have his ego stroked, and to find out where he stands in your head space. Maybe he's looking to see how much control he has over you.

 

It could be a number of things...............

[norajane]

He's always telling me how much he misses me, and he calls me every chance he gets--two, three times per day. It's lovely and all, but if he's all about boosting his midget ego, then that's just a deal breaker.

 

But that's just it, Gwyneth. He wants that from you, too.

 

What is HE getting out of the affair if not the ego boost? He wants the 'lovely and all' of hearing from you three times a day telling him you miss him and can't wait to see him and love him and that he's your superman. If you don't provide that on your own, then he's going to ask for it. It's kind of like fishing for compliments - he's coming out and asking you to tell him you think he's the greatest, and if you don't do it via compliments, he's looking for it through love talk. He wants to hear that you are all about him, because that's why he's in this.

[Gwyneth]

Wow.. I must have missed a few posts...

 

You say you're not in love with this guy... and it's an EA... ?????

 

nothing physical?

 

I think you're wasting your time dear... why bother... I don't get it.

 

It's both EA and PA.

 

Why can't you have an EA without being in love? EA in my opinions can be both with or without love. EA is more about telling each other how you feel, all the mushy stuff, and can include the I Love you's.

[whichwayisup]

I think you both confuse eachother and give off various signals that cause the confusion and neither of you know what's what. The boundries are always changing, I find this from all your other posts about him. One minute you love him, he's your soulmate, then the next he's your boyfriend, your lover, then other times he's just a friend.

 

Anyway, talk about this with him and definately set up some boundries and stick to them. This way you both know what's what and there won't be any game playing or confusion, or doubts.

[Gwyneth]

Well I am just becoming even more angry with him reading your feedbacks.

 

Maybe I too am looking for the compliments--I doubt that crosses His mind.

[Gwyneth]

I think you both confuse eachother and give off various signals that cause the confusion and neither of you know what's what. The boundries are always changing, I find this from all your other posts about him. One minute you love him, he's your soulmate, then the next he's your boyfriend, your lover, then other times he's just a friend.

 

Anyway, talk about this with him and definately set up some boundries and stick to them. This way you both know what's what and there won't be any game playing or confusion, or doubts.

 

Exactly. My point is, and he doesn't get it, that even if I do love him, I just do Not want to discuss that with him.

 

Well thank you all for your feedback.

 

Good night for now

[Lizzie60]

From where I stand, I see it more like 'platonic' friendship for you... and fishing for compliments and ego boost from him.. and eventually get into your pants...

[whichwayisup]

Why can't you have an EA without being in love? EA in my opinions can be both with or without love.

 

This makes no sense. Emotional affair IS emotional. Care, love follows, it just happens.

 

Just like sex, eventually it leads to more feelings, sometimes real love.

 

The thing is, he's re-inforced to you in 2 emails that you two are not a couple. Even though he calls you, and as you say, tries to make you feel more attached to him (which can only happen if you let him, he can't force you to do anything you dont want to do)..

 

Your 'friendship' with him IS confusing, that's why this is happening now. Neither of you know what is what.

[whichwayisup]

I just do Not want to discuss that with him.

 

Then don't bring it up. Just let it drop and go from there. If he talks about it, then lay it all out on the line, again - Set boundries and rules, lines that cannot be crossed.

 

We can only speculate on what he means and what he thinks. The only way you'll know 100% for sure is if/when you do talk to him...

[norajane]

Well I am just becoming even more angry with him reading your feedbacks.

 

Maybe I too am looking for the compliments--I doubt that crosses His mind.

 

But he IS giving you the compliments, and the attention - he's calling you three times a day telling you he misses you!

[Gwyneth]

I just reread the email to see how this even started today. He gave me a compliment, said that I am a great woman. So I wrote back that he's a great guy and he doesn't know how much he deserves. I mean even a grandmother can say that to someone--I do not see how this translates into him asking me "sounds like you are falling for me. Do you want me?"

 

WTF? Now can you see why I was shocked? Going from one tiny compliment to "do you want me?" Then the L word came into play.

 

Okay now I am seriously going to bed.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It sounds to me like he wants to be sure that he is in control of the relationship, and that it continues to go the way he wants it, and at the pace with which he is comfortable, and to the emotional extent that he is prepared to handle at any given time. How does he accomplish this? Emotional manipulation, more or less.

 

How does he feel? It depends on how love works for him. He may be in love with you, or he may not be. Some men aren't in love with the women that they are involved with, but love the fact that the women love them and they love to make sure that the women continue to stay in love with them regardless of how far the man intends to take it emotionally. Carefully controlled ego stroking basically.

[norajane]

I just reread the email to see how this even started today. He gave me a compliment, said that I am a great woman. So I wrote back that he's a great guy and he doesn't know how much he deserves. I mean even a grandmother can say that to someone--I do not see how this translates into him asking me "sounds like you are falling for me. Do you want me?"

 

WTF? Now can you see why I was shocked? Going from one tiny compliment to "do you want me?" Then the L word came into play.

 

Okay now I am seriously going to bed.

 

Do you want me? sounds more like he's asking if you want to have sex with him. He probably figures if you love him, or are getting close to it, that you will want sex with him soon.

[whichwayisup]

He gave me a compliment, said that I am a great woman. So I wrote back that he's a great guy and he doesn't know how much he deserves. I mean even a grandmother can say that to someone--I do not see how this translates into him asking me "sounds like you are falling for me. Do you want me?"

 

Yeah, but he isn't having an EA with his grandmother, or any other grandmother! lol, he's having one with you.

 

OFCOURSE he thinks you want him, I mean you two spend alot of time together, and most of the time when he contacts you, you're willing (and he may see that as waiting for him, like he is your everything) and the obvious, you two are having a PA now. Not sure how far you've gone with him, but still...

[PLAYBRAT]

Gwyneth I am not sure why you posted this thread. From all you have said, it seems like you don't even like this guy very much.Why are you wasting your time with him? I mean objectively it almost seems like you

feel contempt for the guy because he's having an affair with you. It's not like you aren;t a willing participant here. In order to sustain an affair there has to be SOME level of emotion invested. I am sorry, but using the "friend analogy is ridiculous. I have PLENTY of "friends"..and I am not having sex OR an EA with any of them.

 

Maybe you are trying to talk yourself OUT of having feelings for him by justifying that it's "just" and "affair"..because if you DO have feelings for him that somehow must mean there is something wrong with YOU too.

 

That is how I see it.

[bloom]

Yeah, I was thinking about doing this, but as you said, I am emotionally attached, and I would be too upset to end it over something like this. I could send him the threat, though...

 

I'm not so sure that L and lust are easily differentiated. I think that it takes knowing someone, in addition to deciding that it's okay to L someone. That being said, I don't think that you'd have an issue if it was less than emotional.

 

Is that why you're freaking out, b/c it's not just a simple A anymore, but something more complex?

 

Personally, I think that men need validation. They know that L is validating, b/c that's what women do.

[GreenEyedLady]

It's both EA and PA.

 

Why can't you have an EA without being in love? EA in my opinions can be both with or without love. EA is more about telling each other how you feel, all the mushy stuff, and can include the I Love you's.

 

Whoa! It just became a PA, correct? Maybe he thinks that you love him now that you slept with him?

[OWoman]

In my experience it's only a matter of time before men use the L word, no matter what the R or what the rules. Maybe because they think it's what women want to hear, or maybe because with time they get comfortable and don't feel so inhibited about saying what they really feel, or maybe because they want to be in control and be the one to decide when things get amped to the next level.

 

In the OP's case though it sounds as if the MM is playing head games, wanting OP to say it first, so that he can either go "me too" or dodge the question if it looks like not going his way. He doesn't want to go out on a limb and make himself look more invested than she is, especially given he's M and she's S, but he also wants to back her into a corner where she verbalises the kind of commitment he's wanting from her.

 

Gwyn, be careful - it sounds like this guy is turning needy on you. This might not be what you want. And it looks like he's trying to turn it around and make it look like it's YOU needs HIM, rather than the other way round. I think you need to review whether anything's changed in terms of your hopes and expectations, and whether you're willing to change the rules - and if not remind him of the rules and ask him to respect them or find another game.

[Gwyneth]

Gwyn, be careful - it sounds like this guy is turning needy on you. This might not be what you want. And it looks like he's trying to turn it around and make it look like it's YOU needs HIM, rather than the other way round. I think you need to review whether anything's changed in terms of your hopes and expectations, and whether you're willing to change the rules - and if not remind him of the rules and ask him to respect them or find another game.

 

I too was thinking, and even said to him, that he's turning it all around. I told him that if he has feelings, then just tell me--don't put it all on me because that's not fair.

 

Our physicalness has not changed in a long time, so him asking me this is not a reflection because I just slept with him or something. He just always asks random, stupid things, and I tell him all the time that he just doesn't know When to STOP talking. He then apologizes, but sometimes it's too late to apologize, and I think this is one of those times.

[child_of_isis]

He is trying to break down your barriers. He knows that you care for him, (else why the A) and he thinks if he can get you to admit it, then he is one step closer to getting laid and having the best of both worlds.

 

It doesn't matter if you don't want to discuss this. He does. It doesn't matter what you want, period. It is all about what he wants and if he has to disrespect you (and your wishes) to get what he wants...so be it.

[noforgiveness]

Gwyneth I don't get this honestly. You see so many ow on here saying they couldn't help fall in love etc etc but here you are you can help it. You do know he is married and what you are doing. Stop this. Break this off. You are affecting innocent people's lives with your actions. Don't you see that? You are aiding in tearing a family a part.

 

I think you both are doing this for the self esteem boost. You feel great he would risk his marriage for you. you feel superior to his wife because he wants you and this scum has two women wanting him.

 

What exactly are you doing this for?

[OWoman]

I too was thinking, and even said to him, that he's turning it all around. I told him that if he has feelings, then just tell me--don't put it all on me because that's not fair.

 

Ah - but the point of mindgames is to make it your problem, not his.

[Gwyneth]

I received a cold email from him this morning that I'm wrong (about his feelings and assumptions abt my feelings) and that he doesn't have feelings, and that he doesn't want to talk about it anymore--he is probably feeling really stupid right now since I told him otherwise about my feelings for him. I replied with what I thought was a really good email:

 

You are a STUPID F- A-. Does it make you feel more like a man manipulating your small brain into thinking I love you? What kind of creep does that? Thank God I never slept with you. I am so angry with you right now that I want to tell your wife everything. I should have listened to my friends when they all said you were using me. Now I feel like Such an idiot. I don't even want to ever look at your f- face again. You have some major issues. So what, what if I did say I have feelings for you--were you going to leave your a- wife? She can have you--you're both stupid and meant for each other. I knew there was something twisted about you--i just didn't think I would find out this way. I at least thought you cared about me like a friend would--OBVIOUSLY I was wrong. I can do better than you anyway--you are composed of bad seeds. I knew there was a very good reason why I haven't slept with you yet--i knew you were truly a liar only set out to hurt me. If you have no feelings then why the f- do you call me all the time? Why do you hug me? You're so full of yourself its actually kind of sad. Too bad your p- isn't the size of your ego. I can only tolerate so much BS before I retaliate. Don't be surprised if your wife finds everything out. Your intentions with me are morally corrupt. You obviously want me to fall in love with you to boost up your pathetic self-esteem. Why don't you concentrate on your pathetic marriage instead of trying to hurt me? I have never met anyone as twisted as you. I can't believe I have even let it come this far--far enough that I am quite hurt from your bad motives and intentions. Sick to my stomach hurt. It was all a big game to you, wasn't it? To see how you can manipulate the mind of a young innocent girl? You just get off on that, don't you? You're a waste of time. Go to h-.