My girl's past is surfacing

[pyroguy]

But, for all her supporters which happen to be mostly women, you are missing a very important point.

 

First off, you are right. He shouldn't snoop, and he DEFINITELY shouldn't be calling her any names. However, it ends there. first off, I think women's old argument that it's a double standard simply isn't that true. I always remember women calling men male whores etc., and judging his relationship potential based on that. When was it ever ok for males? because a male didn't stone another promiscuous male to death? women don't do that for their gender either when the same behavior is true. It's human nature-genders seem to stick together.

 

Also, it's not that the person is viewed as evil or nasty. They can be promiscuous and crazy, but be the nicest person- i've seen it. IMO, it's the trust factor that comes into play. For me, I simply wouldn't trust that type of person as a SERIOUS relationship partner. Why? because I simply think my chances of getting cheated on are higher. Can people change? I guess, but that's a big chance when it's your heart your giving away- and it's an unknown quantity or very shaky one at that.

 

I'm no expert, but I've been around awhile in different settings and demographics. I was in the marine's, then went to college, played sports, and bartended at that time. So, I've observed many people in various settings. In my experience, the girls that act this way are more prone to always flirt, push the envelope, act inappropriately for a relationship, or out and out cheat. I know people will want to rationalize that it's more complex than that, and that it really isn't an indicator, but I beg to differ- I wish it wasn't. Of course, there are always exceptions, and yes I know other types will cheat and you all will know some promiscuous girl who is so faithful now, but by and large, I stand by what I say. If the person is older, I would say it's a different story.

 

I think the bigger issue is that people take exception to guys not wanting to or having serious reservations about having a serious relationship with this type of person. why? again, it's not that they are terrible people. Go have sex with 1,000 guys, 3somes etc., However, it's still a guy's right to have a relationship with that girl or not. Don't you all have preferences? If you had guy A and Guy B, all other things equal, and Guy A had slept with a ton of women, one night stands etc., are you honestly going to tell me the great majority of women will pick guy A? That girl could be a great person, and I could be friends with her, but I would simply have a hard time trusting her-and it's not neccessarily an insecurity issue.

[Star Gazer]

Ugh... how can you even think of getting close or intimate with such a whore?

 

I didn't go searching for this post, Krytie... but isn't this blatantly contradictory to your NYE plans?

[Stockalone]

The arguement hinges on the same ole'. same ole'.

 

If a guy has a sexual past- he's cool.... but if a woman likes sex- she's a whore.

 

 

Well, I have a friend with a high number, probably not even in the double digits anymore and he still is my friend; I guess in part because I have known him nearly my whole life and except for this specific topic, we get along very well. However, I do not consider his lifestyle cool. It's a part of his personality that I dislike. My number is quite low and he thinks I am way too moral or prudish, and in return, he is the kind of guy that I advice against dating if I get asked. Or if he were to ever hit on one of my sisters, I would beat the sh*t out of him.

 

Having said that, the reason why a man with such a sexual past doesn't bother me as much as a woman with the same number is simply because I have no interest in having sex with men.

 

 

A man can either deal with the fact that his gf has had sex with other men- or he can't. The amount of men she's slept with has no bearing on who she is as a person.

 

...

 

Past is past. So what.

 

I do believe that the number of sexual partners is important as it is part of one's personality and thus is absolutely relevant to what kind of person one is.

 

Past is the past may work for you and there is no reason you shouldn't be allowed this way of thinking. It simply doesn't work for me, I ask the number question (yes, I also judge based on their number as they are free to dismiss me if they don't like my number) and many women don't want to discuss their number. That's fine by me, I can then move on to look for someone who is willing to share that kind of information.

Edited December 28, 2007 by Stockalone

[Krytie TV]

I didn't go searching for this post, Krytie... but isn't this blatantly contradictory to your NYE plans?

 

I use these terms as emotional states, not physical ones. My plans are purely physical.

[Star Gazer]

I use these terms as emotional states, not physical ones. My plans are purely physical.

 

When it comes to f*cking a literal whore, I'm not sure there's a difference.

[downthatslide]

Thank you everyone for your informative feedback. I feel some of you know EXACTLY where I am coming from and perhaps some of you are hung up on the side issues.

 

I'm not sure if it would help, but it is worth disclosing, as far as the "snooping" goes; the way the cache of media was discovered is by no means illegitimate. She asked me to upload the memory card containing our pictures from a recent night out. I did so, and when the computer initiated the upload, the default folder opened, and thats where the images I mentioned were. I did not, under any circumstances go looking for them. The diary discovery was a little different. The side of the bed that I usually sleep on had the book sitting there. I had never seen it before that, and didn't know what it was. I was moving it off the bed, opened the cover to see what book it was. I flipped the pages, saw the word "crabs" and read that page to know what was going on. Then I put it across the room. That is it. I never went searching for anything, it was thrown in my face each time.

 

I never built a judgement against her. The past is the past and I have no problem with that. My problem is that, and Cobra seemed to really understand this, her past is seeping into our current relationship and I'm having a great deal of setback as I am/was/did have feelings for her.

 

As I told her myself, its two very different realms, simply knowing that she had whatever in her past, opposed to not only seeing it, but additionally knowing that she still has feelings/some branch of contact with these people.

 

I did want to make the whole mess work out. But I'm beginning to feel that, and Tripper couldn't have said it better, I probably will have trouble moving forward. And this is a shame because my feelings for her were genuine, and I thought her's for myself were too. I'm not sure what I'll do; perhaps I'll shamelessly kick her out, maybe I'll sit her down and tell her what I'm feeling, and maybe I'll stick with her for another week, or maybe another month?

 

Based on your responses, the males seem to concede that this girl is not worth the B***S*** that I'm going through. The females seem to be hung up on the "snooping" issue, and have more of a take it or leave it tone.

 

I suppose insecure is a part of how I'm feeling. To be quite honest, I feel like I can not show her anything new; whether it be bedroom wise, or finding a new place to get a drink, cause she's seen it all, and been everywhere.

 

Stockalone raises a great point that I didn't bring up. As our relationship is still new, only 5 months or so, we really do not know eachother that well. And what I feel has happened, is I found all her secrets out at once. All of them, it seems (and I hope there aren't more coming ). And when it comes down to it, we DON'T know eachother that well. And I am still trying to unearth what type of person she is.

[MrsHellnoFire]

 

Early in our relationship, when we started to get "serious," we had the uncomfortable, but uniform, "How many people have you been with?" talk. She kept asking me first and I didn't feel comfortable talking about it that early, and finally she decided to tell me her's in hopes that I would feel comfortable enough to reciprocate. She's been with 25-30 guys. She told me she's only had 3 legit boyfriends, but has hooked up with the additional 25+ as well.

 

Needless to say I was surprised and a bit disgusted, but ironically she has practically no bedroom skills. She's the type that just lays there until I position her, or give her explicit instructions.

 

I kept seeing her, I tried to get past it and move on. Then 2 months ago, I discovered what can only be described as a boyfriend's worst nightmare. On her computer I discovered about 500 pictures and videos of her with many of these other men. They ranged from normal 'out to dinner' pictures, to the nightmare-ish videos of her getting pounded (rough sex too) in every imaginable position, screaming the guy's name, et cetera. Really, use your imagination, it was bad.

 

Good grief.

Well when you screw a lot of horny drunk men, you really don't have to do much work, do you? They are all but willing and pleased to complete the task on their own.

The videos and stuff scare me to death. Well, they would scar me for life as well. Who keeps this stuff and tapes all their past conquests?? OMG! At least hide them and then delete when you are in a serious relationship.. I don't know.

If I saw anything with my partner and other women, I would be throwing up in the toilet and probably getting a little hysterical! YUCK! He'd be considered a virgin compared to your gf I guess though!

[MrsHellnoFire]

He needs to dump her and move on! The only thing making him stay is fear and insecturity. Not good things to build a relationship on.

 

Your personalizing this too much. If she had "changed", then the pictures and videos would be long gone... she would have wanted to erase the past. Think about it. She will not change if she doesnt regret anything. She is still hanging out with the guys from her past also... doesnt that tell you something? Yeah... she isnt GF material. Period... end of story.

 

 

Exactly.. she obviously hasn't changed much!

[spookie]

Exactly.. she obviously hasn't changed much!

 

I still hold that people can change and that the past is the past, but in this particular situation I agree with the posters who say to end it with her cause she isn't long-term potential at this point in her life.

 

If she had really put the past behind her, the videos would be gone, not on her memory card; and she wouldn't be in contact with any of the sleazy men featured on them.

[MrsHellnoFire]

Oh.. who exactly was filming in all of these videos?

Just in case, make sure she's not filming you as well to add to her collection of sex tapes.

Reminds me of this sleazy guy who would play this past sex tape of him and a badly-dyed blonde every time he had company! She'd probably be humiliated if she knew.

[BetrayedMM]

Do you have any reason at all to believe that she is no longer the person in those videos? This isn't about her past, it's about the present.

 

I wouldn't "use" her for sex, that would be nothing short of dangerous. According to statistics, that kind of promiscuity, those large numbers, multiple sex partners, booty calls from strangers... and you did read the word "crabs", right? Are you sure it's limited to pubic lice? I'm not. Do the math... those guys with the booty calls are/did not limit their sexual contact to her alone, rather, they are getting as much as they can from as many as they can.

In theory, as far as STDs go, you have slept with everyone she did, and everyone they did... and everyone they did... on, and on.

 

Please, get yourself checked for STDs! Your life may depend on it.

 

As far as if she has changed... she kept the vids, right? Why? Fond memories? Sentimental value? If those kind of things are of value to her...

[Chauncey]

I'm usually pretty liberal when it comes to a lot of things, but as far as sex and sexual behavior goes, I'm a bit more conservative. It is very rare for a man of my age to be as old fashioned in mentality in this area, but I believe it's not something that should be taken lightly.

 

Having to imagine that my gf has been with basically a football team, makes me pretty disappointed and a bit sick to be frank. It would be pretty difficult for me to be intimate with her, but most of all find her attractive inside after knowning what she has done.

 

From the sound of it, she's not worth the time and effort.

 

I say move on.

[bish]

You seem to do a lot of snooping.

Opening files on her computer and reading her diary???

 

Everyone has a past, and everyone has skeletons..

 

Uh...this is just a little different.

 

Looks like he had a good reason to snoop. Besides...if they both use the computer and he came across these files...it isn't really snooping.

 

But that is beside the point. This goes way past "skeletons in her closet" or bringing up how many partners she had.

 

She freakin' kept videos of her having sex with these other guys....that is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE!

 

So D-Lish...are you saying you wouldn't mind a SO of yours keeping videos of women he had sex with?

[bish]

Having a lot of sex partner's doesn't make someone an evil whore.

 

No, but keeping videos of her having sex with her X's....well... I won't say it, but I think you get the picture.

[bish]

Not makes, made. In the past. Some people can move past being "trashy".

 

Then she should have gotten rid of the videos...but she didn't...hmmm..wonder why?

[bish]

He needs to dump her and move on! The only thing making him stay is fear and insecturity. Not good things to build a relationship on.

 

Your personalizing this too much. If she had "changed", then the pictures and videos would be long gone... .

 

BINGO!!!!!!!!!!

[lino]

No offense, but a girl like this is best used only as a piece of ass, definitely not someone you want as a girlfriend.

[Trialbyfire]

As a woman, I would run from a man-whore like this too. I agree with Cobra.

 

Edit - It's why it's always best to be upfront about your past sexual history. It allows your existing partner to realize what they're getting themselves into.

Edited January 2, 2008 by Trialbyfire

[D-Lish]

Uh...this is just a little different.

 

Looks like he had a good reason to snoop. Besides...if they both use the computer and he came across these files...it isn't really snooping.

 

But that is beside the point. This goes way past "skeletons in her closet" or bringing up how many partners she had.

 

She freakin' kept videos of her having sex with these other guys....that is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE!

 

So D-Lish...are you saying you wouldn't mind a SO of yours keeping videos of women he had sex with?

 

I am saying I wouldn't go looking for it, and if I had the gut feeling he couldn't be trusted, I'd trust my instinct and walk away.

And if I did go looking and found something unacceptable- It would be my own fault for upsetting myself. I'm saying if you want to go through someone's personal files- then you are setting yourself up to get hurt.

 

He found them- he will never feel the same about her.... end of story.

That doesn't give him the right to continue to use her for sex. She's still a human being, and she has said she is falling for him. He should do the honorable thing and break up with her.

 

It wouldn't be cool with me to know someone I loved had those.

 

I suspect that she has a lot of personal issues- perhaps she was molested or sexually taken advantage of in the past.... which may be a reason for her over-sexualized behavior. I think that regardless of her past sexual history that she still has feelings that deserve to be respected.

 

No, I wouldn't go through my bf's computer- even if I thought he was cheating. And if I had a bf whose sexual history I was uncomfortable with, then I have that choice to deal with it, or leave him.

 

He has this choice too.

I am saying it's never a good idea to use someone for sex when they have genuine feelings for you- regardless of their sexual history.

[Cobra_X30]

I am saying I wouldn't go looking for it, and if I had the gut feeling he couldn't be trusted, I'd trust my instinct and walk away. And if I did go looking and found something unacceptable- It would be my own fault for upsetting myself. I'm saying if you want to go through someone's personal files- then you are setting yourself up to get hurt.

 

Your gut is not the be all end all of relationship indicators. Do not rely on feelings alone to determine your direction. Your gut feelings are usually only good in hindsight! Use your brain and intellect instead, let your feelings just assist.

 

If your in a LTR... there shouldn't be anything to suprise you. I'm not sure what kind of guys your going after.... but maybe you should up your standards or something.

 

He found them- he will never feel the same about her.... end of story.

That doesn't give him the right to continue to use her for sex. She's still a human being, and she has said she is falling for him. He should do the honorable thing and break up with her.

 

I suspect that she has a lot of personal issues- perhaps she was molested or sexually taken advantage of in the past.... which may be a reason for her over-sexualized behavior. I think that regardless of her past sexual history that she still has feelings that deserve to be respected.

 

As I see it... he still has feelings for her. I agree that he should get on with the dumping! It doesnt matter what her personal issues are... we all have them. Her actions are as they are.

 

Here is an interesting question pertaining to this topic. If she doesnt mind getting used by other guys... why should he act differently?

[Blue Eyed Brain]

You are too imature for a lasting or stable relationship. You also have too many insecurities about women, in general.

 

Are your repulsed or maybe jealous of her past?

 

It shouldn't matter; DO YOU LOVE THE GIRL? That's the only answer you should be asking yourself.....

[Krytie TV]

Are your repulsed or maybe jealous of her past?

 

Ummmmmm... ya think???

 

She's obviously a whore who videotaped random sex acts with random people. I can't imagine not being a little repulsed by that. How he can even look at her face anymore without feeling nauseous baffles me.

 

Bottom line, videotaping whores don't deserve the respect reserved for most other women who get a free ride based on "what's past is past".

[Cobra_X30]

You are too imature for a lasting or stable relationship. You also have too many insecurities about women, in general.

 

Are your repulsed or maybe jealous of her past?

 

It shouldn't matter; DO YOU LOVE THE GIRL? That's the only answer you should be asking yourself.....

 

Too immature? Go back and re-read this thread!

 

I dont think you get it. Somewhere you completely missed the point. I would not wish this woman on any man. It has nothing to do with insecurity or jealousy.

 

Perhaps you just fail to comprehend male sexuality!

[D-Lish]

Here is an interesting question pertaining to this topic. If she doesnt mind getting used by other guys... why should he act differently?

 

I think that answer is simple, he should act differently to be kind, because it is the right thing to do. I think it would be different if she was just looking for sex from him.....but she isn't, they are dating and she has told him she is falling for him.

 

Now- he has found out about her sexual past and is disturbed by it. SO, get it over with and let her go. This girl has feelings regardless of her past. Why is it okay to use her and toy with her emotions...for revenge? And if sleeps with her for revenge, what kind of person does that make him?

 

Just be humane and break up with her.

[Cobra_X30]

I think that answer is simple, he should act differently to be kind, because it is the right thing to do. I think it would be different if she was just looking for sex from him.....but she isn't, they are dating and she has told him she is falling for him.

 

How do you know she isnt lieing about falling in love? She has lied about so many other things.

 

Where he to simply be safe... and do the right thing, you are exactly correct.

 

Now- he has found out about her sexual past and is disturbed by it. SO, get it over with and let her go. This girl has feelings regardless of her past. Why is it okay to use her and toy with her emotions...for revenge? And if sleeps with her for revenge, what kind of person does that make him?

 

Just be humane and break up with her.

 

Why is it Ok for other guys to do this and not him?

 

Not to answer a question with a question... but I'm trying to illustrate the difference in how men think about this topic. Your points are all correct.