help...i need advice

[glanf]

2 years ago, i did what my friend advised--follow your heart. I broke off with my former boyfriend to be with another guy whom i was seriously attracted to. This guy, my present boyfriend,is many times better than my former boyfriend. He's the type which will make a good husband.

 

He loves me and is totally committed to me. I loved him deelply as well. However, he has very bad temper and would blow his top whenever i upset him. His temper scares me and i would then try not to do/say similar things that might upset him. By doing so, i feel short-changed,even though he apologised for losing his temper. i have to take care of my dressing (not to wear anything revealing),not to say anything that might suggest that he's stingy, not to make sarcastic remarks...for fear of upsetting him.

 

I have told him that i can't tolerate his bad temper forever as i may lose my sanity one day. He understood and i could see that he's putting effort in controlling his temper.

 

However, i find that my love for him has diminished...partly cos i could not find the kind of happiness i seek. Though we share similar interests,i'm the party-goer type while he's the homely type. i like to stay up late in the night while he always gets up early in the morning.

 

He's serious in settling down with me but i cannot come to a decision, largely b'cos of my fear of more catastrophic quarrels after marriage. Worst of all, i've been thinking of my former boyfriend, especially the happy moments we shared in the past. I've this crazy idea of patching up with him one day but it seems quite impossible, though he's forgiven me for what i've done. i've regretted for giving him up, for not being with him when he needed me most.

 

I am now confused. i am at lost as to what to do next. My present boyfriend treats me very well but i dun feel very happy and on top of that, i've thinking of my former boyfren every minute of my waking time. Pls give me advise. Your kind response will be deeply appreciated.

[Theresa]

It's going to be hard for you to ever be truly happy if you feel like you are always walking on eggshells to please your boyfriend. If he is having problems controlling his temper now, it is only going to get worse later on. He needs anger management counseling, it is not enough for him to "put effort into controlling his temper". Take it as a red flag, ask him to seek counseling, and if he doesn't, the only smart option would be to leave. Otherwise, you will never be happy, and you could be physically harmed by him later on.

2 years ago, i did what my friend advised--follow your heart. I broke off with my former boyfriend to be with another guy whom i was seriously attracted to. This guy, my present boyfriend,is many times better than my former boyfriend. He's the type which will make a good husband. He loves me and is totally committed to me. I loved him deelply as well. However, he has very bad temper and would blow his top whenever i upset him. His temper scares me and i would then try not to do/say similar things that might upset him. By doing so, i feel short-changed,even though he apologised for losing his temper. i have to take care of my dressing (not to wear anything revealing),not to say anything that might suggest that he's stingy, not to make sarcastic remarks...for fear of upsetting him. I have told him that i can't tolerate his bad temper forever as i may lose my sanity one day. He understood and i could see that he's putting effort in controlling his temper. However, i find that my love for him has diminished...partly cos i could not find the kind of happiness i seek. Though we share similar interests,i'm the party-goer type while he's the homely type. i like to stay up late in the night while he always gets up early in the morning. He's serious in settling down with me but i cannot come to a decision, largely b'cos of my fear of more catastrophic quarrels after marriage. Worst of all, i've been thinking of my former boyfriend, especially the happy moments we shared in the past. I've this crazy idea of patching up with him one day but it seems quite impossible, though he's forgiven me for what i've done. i've regretted for giving him up, for not being with him when he needed me most. I am now confused. i am at lost as to what to do next. My present boyfriend treats me very well but i dun feel very happy and on top of that, i've thinking of my former boyfren every minute of my waking time. Pls give me advise. Your kind response will be deeply appreciated.

[CHRISTINE NJOGU]

Dear Theresa,

 

My name is Christine and I am very intelligent, bright, hard working, beautiful, interesting, humorous and very mature at the age of 23.

 

My point is the outside character or appearance is always deceiving , personally I am battling with my tempers too. I get worked up very fast. If you value your current boyfriend dumping him for your former lover isnt helping him or is not a solution, for when you love you love with your whole heart together with all the persons faults and benefits.

 

This man has a problem, make him see it is a problem. Probably if you study his background well you will find that either his dad or mum or grandparents had a similar problem. I am sure your not perfect yourself you also have faults and probably some of your faults are not as evident as his, make him see and realise that its a great problem.

 

You can also see a shrink with him if it really is that bad.

 

Know and understand things that upset and cheer him, if he is not appreciating your help or changing even after seeing a shrink then know the last thing you should do is to move in with him until his tempers subside.

 

Tempers are just external habits which can be changed. It is not impossible. Say a prayer with him or for him and be willing to sacrifice. You left the other guy for this one then stick with him until he changes, if he doesn't then now you have every reason to dump him.

 

Another thing, when he is angry avoid him; as in dont try and solve the problem then, wait until he is cool and when you can see signs in him of him being happy then give him a chance to say sorry or talk about it.

 

christine.

[Cecilie]

I had a similar problem, minus the ex-boyfriend element. My boyfriend, although he is much better now, used to explode at little things. Although it was never directed at me (another difference, I gather), he would get inordinately angry at our dogs for ripping up a recipie of mine, at himself for unfathomable reasons. Once he kicked in a window at a bar we were at because he was so enraged.

 

Since I love him and do want to spend my life with him, I set out to set some guidelines and talk things out with him in order to make some behavioral changes. I'm a psychology student, so I did some independent research. We all get angry, how we deal with that anger is what's crucial in relationships. He now has to say why he's angry in a normal tone of voice immediately when he feels upset. We then discuss why he feels that way and what my reaction is to his frustration.

 

I do some creative visualization...ie, how would you feel if I acted this way toward you, how would you feel in my position. I demonstrate my perception of how he treats me by imitating him.

 

The problem lay in his low impulse control. His father also displays a lot of inappropriate coping mechanisms in regard to dealing with anger, frustration or mistakes.

 

The problem here is that you are unhappy with the tenor of the relationship. It's really up to you. I'm letting you know that with time and work you can help your current boyfriend become a better person who is more able to have a positive, fulfilling life as he learns to navigate relationships more successfully. But sometimes, if we don't really fit with that person or it's jsut not right for us, we let it go. So it's up to you to decide whether you want to invest that much effort in your relationship or seek one that's more immediately fulfilling for you.

[Totally Confused]

First off....put the first boyfriend out of your mind. If he's worse than your present boyfriend - I'd hate to hear how he treated you. The ex is in the past and he's there for a reason - leave him there. These two men aren't your only options you know. You don't have to have one or the other...these aren't the only two men in the world. There's a guy out there for you who (hopefully) will have none of those negative qualities, both of these guys have. You may end up being alone for a while and that would probably be your best option.

 

Now look at how this present boyfriend is treating you. Does he make you feel good about yourself - NO. You are obviously not too happy with him, otherwise you wouldn't be seeking advice. The funny part is, that you aren't happy, you know you're not happy, and yet it's hard to let go. You're walking on egg shells constantly, you have to dress the way he wants you to, your nerves are on edge and you feel like a prisoner. But yet, even though your feelings have faded, you still care for him and don't want to hurt him, especially because he's putting effort into trying to control his temper. If a man beats his wife and then he apologizes and tries not to do it again...and genuinely puts effort into it, but he still can't control his temper, do you think she should stay with him? Of course not. She's hurting herself, in order to make him happy by not leaving him. This man may not be physically beating you, but emotionally he is. It's just as abusive. I'm sorry that he has a temper, but that's his problem, not yours. Who's more important, his feelings or yours? Did it ever occur to you that maybe if you left him, he might actually decide to get real professional help. That may be the pain threshold he has to hit in order to see how bad his temper really is - you leaving him. Remember, it's hard to see yourself for who you really are, and he doesn't see how bad his temper is. The only way he'll ever be able to see it, is by you showing him. You only have one life, don't spend it with someone who can't make your life that much more special. You eventually will get to the point where you will resent this guy. You'll probably end up hitting your own pain threshold soon and you won't be able to take it anymore...at this point, it will be easy for you to walk out the door. I just hope it's soon, but I can tell that you're starting to get there, because you're already expressing a loss of feeling for him. THat's usually the start, now you just have to realize that walking away is really the best thing for the both of you, especially you. Just focus on what you need and what's good for you, never mind about him, he'll just have to take care of himself like everyone else. Good luck and I hope everything works out.