Should I contact OM or tell his girlfriend?

[jj2007]

 

Why do you want a woman you have to beg to stop f*cking another guy?

 

Exactly! I would tell the OM's GF and tell your W to hit the door! You shouldn't have to beg her for ANYTHING! She is the one who messed up here and cheated. And now she is stomping all over you while she gets her cake and eats it too! The GF has a right to know! If the situation was reversed you would want to be told right? She needs to know what is going on so she can make informed decisions about what to do with her life!

 

If you want to work things out with your W, the first step is NO CONTACT with the OM. AT ALL. If she isn't willing to do that, I don't see how you would be willing to work it out anyway. Her saying she is going to stay friends with him is just another way of saying that she's going to keep walking all over you and still go out and get a peice when she feels like it!

[a4a]

Call the GF tell her. She also deserves to know.

 

Tell your wife to get out.

 

She probably is only agreeing or seems to agree to your demands to wait it out with the OM to gain a position to be with him.

 

Out her....... pack her things and have them waiting at the door.

 

I don't care if you are green, drool, and poop yourself...... you deserve and can do better than this so called wife of yours.

[Nguy16]

Sleeplesstoo: Yes he is a predator in every sense of the word and this is a pattern of behavior. My wife knows of his antics but hasn't come to the predator conclusion I have. My W KNOWS he is a dog and not a long term thing - just a fun thing. She is clear that she is not choosing between him and me - but at the same time she is choosing between him and her marriage.

 

I do think my marriage is worth fixing. Up until this happened we had a beautiful loving relationship. I agree something went wrong and I'm willing to do my part to get past it. If we can't get past it then I'm out.

 

jj2007: The complete no contact issue is going to be tough. He literally sits in the cube next to her. And their respective roles require them to work together a few times a day on actual work stuff. Her leaving work is not easy due to tenure and significance of pay. I do believe contact through text, im or personal emails as well as cel phone calls, lunch dates, happy hours are all inexcusable and must stop 100%.

 

I have read many posts about infidelity on other boards. The consistent message from family counselors is the no contact message given to the OM is through a letter drafted by her and that I would have the right to approve. In this scenario, that doesn't make logistical sense. I'm thinking I HAVE to have the no contact conversation with him. My wife can either attend or not - I will offer that. If this is enough to make her walk - then so be it.

 

I will wait until we are out of our cooling off period and get some level of committment from her as to her intentions. If she wants to fix us, then we discuss "terms". I won't threaten him physically (although I would get sinificant pleasure in dislocating his shoulder - which oddly enough I have been trained in), I will share with him that I know what has been going on and that it is inappropriate and will stop. New boundaries will be established and drawn clearly for him to understand. His compliance will allow him to dodge the bullet but I need to make sure this message is communicated correctly and I don't trust her ability to do this. I will probably do this in person, but was also thinking I could simply forward this thread to him "got it DAN?"

[norajane]

I will wait until we are out of our cooling off period and get some level of committment from her as to her intentions. If she wants to fix us, then we discuss "terms". I won't threaten him physically (although I would get sinificant pleasure in dislocating his shoulder - which oddly enough I have been trained in), I will share with him that I know what has been going on and that it is inappropriate and will stop. New boundaries will be established and drawn clearly for him to understand. His compliance will allow him to dodge the bullet but I need to make sure this message is communicated correctly and I don't trust her ability to do this. I will probably do this in person, but was also thinking I could simply forward this thread to him "got it DAN?"

 

You seem to be missing the point that none of that will do a bit of good unless your wife actually wants to break things off with him herself. Nor will it do any good unless your wife wants to make things work with you. You can tell him to back off, but if your wife is hanging all over him in his cube at work, what are you going to do about it? You won't even know.

[a4a]

Not to be mean but you are being foolish.

 

Your wife has had sex with this man, she agreed to remove her clothing, she even tells you to your face that you are worthless to her in so many words...... and you are blaming him soley?

 

Your wife needs to end this with him.

 

The future I see is one where your wife and the OM will basically be laughing at you and doing what they please.

 

She can find another job, she can have zero contact with him.

 

If the shoe were on the other foot what do you think she would expect you to do?

 

You are being a doormat.... they both are wiping their shoes all over you.

 

Negotiations about contact, even just an emotional affair, and having any sort of R with this man will put you Marriage in a position to never heal.

[Nguy16]

No I am not missing the point that she is at fault. She has to admit, and decide to fix and put this behind her. He is a predator and will continue to pester her even if she decides to continue with us. That is unless he receives a clear and concise message to go away. Yes, If she want to secretly continue this with him by going to his cube I won't know - but I will see other signs (cell phone, texts, emails, etc). If she is hanging all over him at work she will have made a choice for sure. I will employ my secret spy network

 

I'm sure I am being foolish but I am by no means blaming him solely - or even 20%. He is a jerk, a dog and a guy - he is just taking what appears to be easy. It is 100% her fault. If she decides to end it with him, he needs to know it is over and I need the reassurance that he has received the message.

 

The find a new job thing is pretty huge, I won't go into details but it isn't a real option. Yes she could "find a new job". She is well placed in a "career" and there are SIGNIFICANT long term financial impacts if she leaves. Matter of fact, based on what would happen in a potential financial settlement, I want her to stay for my own long term benefit.

 

I am trying not to be a doormat and when she returns and we decide IF we are moving forward, I will ensure I am valued, treated with respect and not walked on.

[Tomcat33]

She says they have not had sex. But have done other things, several times, at work, after work, at lunch... But I do know they spent a night in a hotel room while on business. I woke her from a sleep and could hear him in the room - she later confessed I was right but says they only "made out" - I call BS. Either way - unacceptable and must stop.

 

Well thank goodness you call BS on all that otherwise I'd have to think you are some kind of heel! The woman is 100% having a full on affair behind your back make no bones about assuring yourself of that.

 

Yes, I am very afraid of divorce - I made a committment to be with her for life and would be happy to do so - given that she identifies why this is happening and knocks it off. (I am more than also willing to admit that I played a roll - she just can't tell me anything that I do wrong as a husband yet) - (which is very irritating by the way... lets see, husband is a caring loving providing man and is doing "nothing wrong" per her definition... you are unhappy.. don't know why... so dump the loving 11 year husband and see if that is it) If something breaks in my computer or my car, I don't start by replacing the parts that I know are working for sure... but that is the guy in me thinking it is something that can be fixed.

 

 

She told you you are not the ONE, whatever that means to her, I'm not sure how much more you need to be told that she does not want to be with you. She started by replacing the broken parts, ie. YOU. In her mind you are what she wants to replace and she did that. I'm not sure where your pride or dignity are but what exactly are you fighting to keep with this woman? She doesn't come out and tell you exactly what is broken because whatever it is not tangible, like she is probably bored with you or not attracted to you anymore or stimulated on some way which is why everything is seemingly ok between the two of you and you have done nothing wrong. The reality is you HAVE done nothing wrong this is all going on with her NOT you.

 

 

"Why do you want to stay with your wife?" Simply put, I love her. She previously WAS my best friend, best lover and true partner in life. She has some amazing redeeming qualities that I cherish. Those remain.

 

She may be your best friend but she does not want to be your lover anymore, some couples are good as friends and not so good as couples. Having someone tell you after 11 yrs of marriage "you are not the one" is as close as it gets to making that clear.

 

 

Agreed that right now, she does not value me. She is being extremely selfish and a butthole basically. This is not like her given our history - I know her better than anyone (we were friends for 3 years prior to dating). I am unwilling to punch out based on 6 months of selfish stupidity. I AM willing to allow that she is dealing with some internal crap that she does not have the ability to tackle alone and is really just crying for help - just doesn't have a handle on what that is.

 

(I have a background in mental health and personally believe she is suffering from the perfect storm of chemicals, stress, health issues, self esteem issues, hormones, all chunked into a mid-life crisis)

 

Unfortunately I am catching some of the collateral damage in the process - but I do believe I have an obligation to help her through this. If she identifies that she doesn't love or respect me, I'm gone. If she refuses to join me in the fight to work on us, I'm gone. If she insists on continuing a relationship with another man, I'm gone.

 

I'm not looking to be a martyr, punching bag etc - but will work through this with her. Get her to her destination then move me to mine - if we are at the same place when we end then good - if not, then so be it.

 

I'm sorry but I have NEVER seen so many excuses made for one human being in the wrong, in my entire life. You should go back and read this entire thread and all your posts once the days pass and the reality of your situation sinks in a little more, and you will see just how many excuses you have made for this woman and how you are blaming this OM for what is entirely your W's fault.

 

For the record you not speaking out of love right now you are speaking out of sheer neediness. The desperate need you have to hang on to this woman with dear life and avoid divorce is completely clouding your judgement, hopefully you can see that some day.

 

 

PS you wanting to tell on the OM to his W if your W does not want to stay with you is vendictive and is mean spirited and of a sore loser, it is making a big move for all the WRONG reasons. If you want to tell on the OM don't wait to see how things go with your W you do it either way, it should not depend on your personal outcome. If your W fails to come around with you it is HER doing not the OM's, stop making excuses for this woman, if she really can do no wrong in your eyes then bite the bullet and stay with her and let her do as she wants, it looks like she is going to anyway so....

[michaelk]

I'm going to go against the crowd here and say that I think your approach is very admirable. Rather than a knee-jerk reaction out of hurt and anger, you seem to be taking the long view on your marriage and leaving the door open to the possibility that you might recapture the old connection with your wife.

 

It's entirely possible that the behavior you've been seeing from her is transitory, and that if you and she can figure out why she's being such an ass, she will 'come around' and work with you to rebuild your marriage.

 

And to everyone who's complaining that he's allowing himself to be a 'doormat', let me point out that he is clearly NOT giving his wife a pass on this. He has requirements he will place on her to demonstrate her commitment (or lack) to making it work. Giving someone you love another chance is not being a doormat! Isn't it instead the essence of love?

 

To put it another way: What does he lose by giving it one more try? Very little, because he's already got a wife who's cheating on him. If she continues to cheat, it's just a perpetuation of a situation he's already facing. What he might gain, on the other hand, is a rebuilt marriage with a woman he clearly loves very much and wants to spend his life with.

 

Kudos to you Nguy. It's very refreshing to find someone who is willing to set their hurt and anger aside for a while in order to give their loved one the benefit of the doubt.

[Tomcat33]

?

 

To put it another way: What does he lose by giving it one more try? .

 

 

Self respect, dignity and pride. And nothing is a bigger turn off to a woman and kills attraction more than a man who posses neither of those.

[underpants]

Are you going to inform his girlfriend?

[Tomcat33]

It's not about being less of a man for giving it one more try, that would be admirable and fine if she were willing to act in a way that shows him she is truly remorseful and ready to work hard at the recovery. She is clearly not doing that and has told him she feels he is not the one and doing very little to show her share of what she needs to do to meeting him half way and this is why he looks like he is grovelling and he won't win her back like that. All he is going to do is turn her off even more. Attraction is not gained like that, pitty is.

[Nguy16]

wow, I thought I was a better communicator than that. I am NOT blaming him. I am blaming her. I am not making excuses for her. She had done wrong - very wrong. I suspect some relationships are able to weather the storm, I'm in one and am willing to fix. I and not saying she can do no wrong. My god she had made a huge f-up here. It is 100% her fault and she needs to step up.

 

And you are correct about contacting the OM SO as vindictive. That was the whole point of this thread to ask "would you tell".

 

I do have some neediness still in me because of the shock of loss - but I do love her (at least the one in the past before she wacked out) and if there is a 10% chance of the aliens leaving her body, I'm willing to help.

[Sleeplesstoo]

It's not about being less of a man for giving it one more try, that would be admirable and fine if she were willing to act in a way that shows him she is truly remorseful and ready to work hard at the recovery. She is clearly not doing that and has told him she feels he is not the one and doing very little to show her share of what she needs to do to meeting him half way and this is why he looks like he is grovelling and he won't win her back like that. All he is going to do is turn her off even more. Attraction is not gained like that, pitty is.

 

Regardless of all of that, I think he is clearly compelled to "give it one more try". It is something he must do, or he will always wonder what might have been. He is doing it for himself as much as anything, and I don't think he will have any peace until he does. He has to play it out in his own way.

 

Does it have a "snowball's chance in hell" who knows, but that doesn't really matter. What matters is he has to give it a try for himself and his own peace of mind.

[a4a]

wow, I thought I was a better communicator than that. I am NOT blaming him. I am blaming her. I am not making excuses for her. She had done wrong - very wrong. I suspect some relationships are able to weather the storm, I'm in one and am willing to fix. I and not saying she can do no wrong. My god she had made a huge f-up here. It is 100% her fault and she needs to step up.

 

And you are correct about contacting the OM SO as vindictive. That was the whole point of this thread to ask "would you tell".

 

I do have some neediness still in me because of the shock of loss - but I do love her (at least the one in the past before she wacked out) and if there is a 10% chance of the aliens leaving her body, I'm willing to help.

 

If that is your motivation is revenge to inform the OM SO - don't.

 

I myself would want you to tell me if I were the SO. She has no choice in the matter either - simply because she doesn't know. Sad.

[underpants]

And you are correct about contacting the OM SO as vindictive. That was the whole point of this thread to ask "would you tell".

 

It is only vindictive if that is your intent.

 

I would let the truth be known. Clearly, she deserves to know and most people would want to know the truth.

 

You have the luxury of knowing and have decided to take steps to repair the damage in your relationship. She does not have this luxury of the truth.

[Tomcat33]

wow, I thought I was a better communicator than that. I am NOT blaming him. I am blaming her. I am not making excuses for her. She had done wrong - very wrong. I suspect some relationships are able to weather the storm, I'm in one and am willing to fix. I and not saying she can do no wrong. My god she had made a huge f-up here. It is 100% her fault and she needs to step up.

 

And you can be the good will embassador for all marriage recoveries with a 100% will and energy to put forth, but if she is not willing to do her share it is futile. It doesn't look like she is willing to step up, and by you telling on her OM to her W is only going to make your W resent you even more. If you do that there will be NO chance at all at recovery with your W because that may seperate them from contact but she will harbour resentment towards you which is counter productive to your final goal it will push her further from what you want to achieve.

 

My goodness she even threatened you that if you did that you would be done for good, this is how much she is sure of you that she has you under her power to do with you as she pleases. She is manipulating you even when she is the one in the wrong here.

 

Because of all this it appears you have lost all your bargaining power, you fail to see this since you are too deep in needy "I have to win her back at aaaall costs" mode and you cannot see that all you are doing is making it easier for her to juggle around the peices as she sees fit for whatever intentions are going on insider her head. Only she knows what her next intentions are and she will play them out with or without your blessings. Cheaters plot against you and they do this with or without the help of the OP and they tell you what you want to hear to buy some time but their energy is spent plotting their next move.

 

Someone already said this, she is waiting for things to calm down and for you to give her a little trust again so that she can go back deeper into hiding mode to pull off her affair some more. Cheaters ALWAYS do this, the first break-up NEVER takes no matter if all the betrayed partners know or not.

 

Looking at it from the outside what you need is to gain some power again in order to have some bargaining rights in all of this because right now you are living under her rules and it seems to suit you fine as long as you don't lose her. You may think you are calling the shots but you are most definitely not.

 

Recovery from an affair requires love, yes of course, but mostly it requires strong negotiating skills.

Edited December 28, 2007 by Tomcat33

[michaelk]

Self respect, dignity and pride.

 

These are used all the time here as reasons not to give someone another chance. "Kick 'em to the curb! Don't you have any self respect?" We hear this kind of thing over and over. But they are selfish motivations, focusing entirely on the injured party. His hurt. His pride. etc.

 

Now you will probably argue that, as the injured party, he should only focus on himself. After all, she's not thinking about him, is she? But this is so like the child who feels slighted and takes their ball and goes home. In relationships, people mistreat each other. How are they to survive for the long run if, when this happens, the hurt partner can't see past their pride in order to give another chance?

[michaelk]

Cheaters ALWAYS do this, the first break-up NEVER takes no matter if all the betrayed partners know or not.

 

An inaccurate generalization. I broke it off with my OW once and only once.

 

Whenever someone say "Cheaters do _____", watch out, because cheaters like all people are different, one to the next!

[LifesontheUp]

These are used all the time here as reasons not to give someone another chance. "Kick 'em to the curb! Don't you have any self respect?" We hear this kind of thing over and over. But they are selfish motivations, focusing entirely on the injured party. His hurt. His pride. etc.

 

Now you will probably argue that, as the injured party, he should only focus on himself. After all, she's not thinking about him, is she? But this is so like the child who feels slighted and takes their ball and goes home. In relationships, people mistreat each other. How are they to survive for the long run if, when this happens, the hurt partner can't see past their pride in order to give another chance?

 

Am I missing something here? She doesn't want another chance, she's already told him she doesn't want him anymore. What more is there to do, what chance is he trying to give? She's treating him like dirt and unfortunately he is unable to see it fully yet.

[LifesontheUp]

If you've been reading anywhere you should have seen that there is very little hope of you working it out with your wife if she remains in contact with the OM.

[Owl]

Disagree.

 

Cheaters may be individual people, but affairs, and the actions of those in them, follow such a similar script virtually every time that while the names may change, what happens often varies very little.

 

I've been posting on sites for the last three years. I've seen it in my own situation, in several instances where I knew the people "in real life" and in hundreds of stories I've seen/read and provided advice to over the internet.

 

Take the threat of "if you contact him, it will be OVER!!!". Guess what...she'll be angry, outraged, screaming, etc... She'll threaten everything under the sun, moon, and stars.

 

The odds of THAT being the reason its 'over'? Miniscule.

 

Guess what...this "if you contact him" threat is also "part of the script". Seen it tons of times. Its a tool to manipulate the BS into remaining silent about the affair, and in taking no action that could endanger the affair.

 

Its "over" if you do nothing. THAT is your surest bet here. Taking action is far more likely to put pressure on all of them to end the affair...which is why she's trying to bully your silence.

 

People may be 'individuals'. But they tend to vary little when put through the same situation. That's part of "human nature". If we were that unpredictable, society would never have come about.

[michaelk]

Am I missing something here? She doesn't want another chance, she's already told him she doesn't want him anymore. What more is there to do, what chance is he trying to give? She's treating him like dirt and unfortunately he is unable to see it fully yet.

 

As I understand it, he believes that they should have a cooling off period during which she can decide whether she really wants out or not. This stems from the fact that she hasn't been able to articulate any real reason for being unhappy in the marriage. And if he wants to give her that benefit of the doubt, then that's his business.

 

As far as treating him like dirt goes, I think he does see it and still chooses to give her one more chance. Hence my original statement of kudos to him!

[jj2007]

jj2007: The complete no contact issue is going to be tough. He literally sits in the cube next to her. And their respective roles require them to work together a few times a day on actual work stuff. Her leaving work is not easy due to tenure and significance of pay. I do believe contact through text, im or personal emails as well as cel phone calls, lunch dates, happy hours are all inexcusable and must stop 100%.

 

Well, My H cheated on me with a coworker and let me tell you, if he didn't find another job I would have been gone. Your W and OM have already crossed that line and they will NEVER go back to being "just friends" or just co workers. That is why the NC has to take place. Right now she could be in a fog and not seeing or being in contact with OM could make her start thinking more clearly. If they continue to work together they will continue doing what they have been already.

But, from what you have posted about her, it sounds to me that she doesn't want to be with you anymore. It's your call but if she is not willing to put as much effort as you are into fixing your marriage, I would cut my losses and leave.

From what you say about the OM, he has done this before and will probably do it again with other women. His GF may have suspicions but from experience I will tell you that I had suspicions and my H gaslighted me until I thought I was crazy! Please tell the GF so she can make her own choices about the OM and what to do with her life.

I know it really sucks to be left in the dark feeling like a lunatic!

[reservoirdog1]

Contact his GF. Immediately.

 

Your W's BS about "if you call her, it's over"? Exactly that. Crap. If you call the GF and your W leaves, she was going to leave anyway. Her threat to you is absolutely and completely textbook cheater speak.

 

Your W will find out. She will rant, rage, and do all of that. But underneath it all, she will suddenly have an ounce of respect for you.

 

You also need to demand (NOT ask) that she break off all contact with the OM, immediately. The best way to do put this to her is to tell her that she can either have him in her life, or you. NOT both. Give her 24 hours to decide. If she chooses him, then you know everything you need to know.

[jj2007]

I tried to edit my post but couldn't get it done in time but I just wanted to say I am sorry for what you are going through I know it hurts but make sure you take care of you!

Good luck and hugs!