Should I contact OM or tell his girlfriend?

[Tomcat33]

Saying 'clearly you're not the one for me' is hard to reconcile with 'I love you and want to work things out'. Which is it? Fully resolved to leave her? Or still loving and wanting to work on it?

 

I vote for the latter, but then again I've never been one for playing chicken.

 

 

PS it was his W that said that to him not the other way around...just so that we are clear. SHE said "you are not the one for me"

sorry your post confused me..!?!?

[michaelk]

PS it was his W that said that to him not the other way around...just so that we are clear. SHE said "you are not the one for me"

sorry your post confused me..!?!?

 

Sorry, let me try again.

 

Originally, you listed a series of things he should do including "He needs to sit her down and assure her that he loves her and wants to work things out but under his terms...". I agreed with that approach.

 

Then norajane said that he should tell her "I don't want to be with a woman who isn't interested in me or our marriage and who cheats behind my back. Clearly, you aren't the one for me either." I see this as opposite to the earlier statement in terms of the intent he would be expressing. So, I was surprised to see you say "That's what I'm sayin'!".

 

I was merely pointing out that where I thought you and I were on the same page, it appears we're not quite. He can either say he wants to work on it, OR he can say he doesn't want her. It can't be both.

[Nguy16]

tomcat Clarification - she really said she is not sure what she wants. Not sure if she wants to fix. Not sure if she wants a divorce. Not sure not sure. She is sole seeking. The you are not the one for me comment was made in anger, probably followed by me calling her a whore.

 

My goal of exposing was not a 24 hour demand statement - the primary reason was to reinforce that he should stay away while her and I work on it - it wasn't a threat to her meant to damage. I don't know where you got that. Now I fell like I am being insulted here too. I am leaving this thread but I am finding little value in continuing posting as it appears we are now not answering the "tell or not tell" question - but rather bashing each other for differences in opinions.

Its been fun

[Tomcat33]

Sorry, let me try again.

 

Originally, you listed a series of things he should do including "He needs to sit her down and assure her that he loves her and wants to work things out but under his terms...". I agreed with that approach.

 

Then norajane said that he should tell her "I don't want to be with a woman who isn't interested in me or our marriage and who cheats behind my back. Clearly, you aren't the one for me either." I see this as opposite to the earlier statement in terms of the intent he would be expressing. So, I was surprised to see you say "That's what I'm sayin'!".

 

I was merely pointing out that where I thought you and I were on the same page, it appears we're not quite. He can either say he wants to work on it, OR he can say he doesn't want her. It can't be both.

 

Oh I see what you meant, ok sorry about that.

 

I don't know what his comfort level is in order to put his foot down and do what needs to be done, that is entirely up to him but the bottom line and in what I fully agree on which is what Norajane said was that he needs to flip the script.

 

That is very much what I was saying, you show you love them, you show you want to give it your all but that you do it on YOUR terms, anything less than that is a one way ticket to goodbye! And he needs to be prepared to do this. How he chooses to negotiate this message is his prerogative and he needs to figure that out on his own but in essense what Norajane was saying is what you and I have been saying that is he needs to put his footdown and show her that rules are going to be set by him and unless she is willing to comply he is out, that is the only threat he should make and mean. It is the only threat that works. You want me, this is how it is going to be until I trust you again otherwise I am not on board.

If she won't fight for what matter most, HIM what the heck is he fighting for her for? Why would you fight for someone who does not respect or want to be with you?

 

This can be done by showing love and no you don't have to have one or the other you can have both, I love you but I need to know you love me too.

[michaelk]

Yes, I agree. Isn't clarity a wonderful thing?

[Tomcat33]

tomcat Clarification - she really said she is not sure what she wants. Not sure if she wants to fix. Not sure if she wants a divorce. Not sure not sure. She is sole seeking. The you are not the one for me comment was made in anger, probably followed by me calling her a whore.

 

My goal of exposing was not a 24 hour demand statement - the primary reason was to reinforce that he should stay away while her and I work on it - it wasn't a threat to her meant to damage. I don't know where you got that. Now I fell like I am being insulted here too. I am leaving this thread but I am finding little value in continuing posting as it appears we are now not answering the "tell or not tell" question - but rather bashing each other for differences in opinions.

Its been fun

 

 

No one is bashing anyone Nguy, if there is miscommunication going on here then it just so happens that the medium we are using to communicate leaves a LOT of room for miscommunication. We, I, can only go on the limited words you post on here and draw my conclusions like that and vice versa. If you later come on and elaborate to change the picture then what can I do, one moment you post certain words and we comment on that, then you elaborate. Sorry but I am not inside your head.

 

A am not insulting you in any way. Disagreeing with a stance is not insulting you. If you want to be pampered and told everything you are doing is right and you want magic words of encouragement when your actions defy that then there is no point posting here, I am certainly not trying to make matters worse for you.

 

I am confident I have not said anything with the intent of insulting you.

[Tomcat33]

I am advising exposing the truth. I think that is nobel, responsible and fair to all parties involved.

 

You think that is nobel, the Swedish chemist that invented dynamite?

[underpants]

Now I fell like I am being insulted here too. I am leaving this thread but I am finding little value in continuing posting as it appears we are now not answering the "tell or not tell" question - but rather bashing each other for differences in opinions.

Its been fun

 

You got alot of good opinions and varied advice in the first few pages of this thread.

 

I have stated mine and I wish you the best.

 

No one deserves to be cheated on and that also include the OM's girlfriend. IMHO.

 

As far as overposting to takeover a thread. That is just the freedom of posting. Don't let it detract from what I have read to be alot of different perspectives and for the most part well intended advice and opinions.

 

Again, I do wish you the best.

[michaelk]

I'm sorry that Nguy feels the thread has degenerated beyond usefulness. While I'm as guilty as anyone of multiple postings, I feel it's impossible to either understand a poster's situation or adequately advise on it without a certain amount of back and forth. Sometimes this is pointless arguing, but often it's to gain clarity and a broader context for someone's opinion. I can't see this as a bad thing, because these are complex issues and this communication medium can be very imprecise (as Tomcat pointed out earlier). And when different posters discuss and reach consensus, that should be of great value for the OP.

 

I wish Nguy the best with his situation, and hope that he is able to rebuild his marriage in a way that will make him happy.

 

MK

[MrsHellnoFire]

Unconditional love does not exist in romance, if it did you would not be in so much pain over her affair you would smile and look the other way and let her do what she needs to because that is what unconditional love does it accepts with no boundaries.

 

 

 

That sounds more like indifference to me. And there are some marriages that do exist that way.

 

I think unconditional love is LOVING someone despite their flaws. NOT encOURAgInG their flaws and errors in judgement..

 

I think the best thing one can do in the situation is to set them free and exit the relationship.. that's more loving than anything else i can think of if this woman is truly happy with someone else and not harming herself.

i dont care what relationship you are in.. with family, friends,e tc.. there is only so much mental beating one can take before they cut all ties. You need to love yourself! This guy needs to love himself!

Edited December 29, 2007 by MrsHellnoFire

[Nguy16]

OMG.

I get "we are not insulting you"

Then I get "if you want to be pampered"

Im sure in real life you don't sound like such a judgemental jerk and it is only a function of the medium -

[Tomcat33]

Point taken. You do just want to be pampered and told everything you are doing is correct. otherwise you are a judgmental jerk. Starting to understand...

 

I think unconditional love is LOVING someone despite their flaws. NOT encOURAgInG their flaws and errors in judgement..

 

 

So a person should love their pedophile partner who rapes one's children behind our backs because as long as you don't encourage it you should love unconditionally dispite "their flaws" Sorry I don't adhere to that kind of logic. There is no room for unconditional love in a romantic a relationship, there are always conditions, as it should be.

 

 

think the best thing one can do in the situation is to set them free and exit the relationship.. that's more loving than anything else i can think of if this woman is truly happy with someone else and not harming herself.

 

I totally agree!

 

BUT that is not what this person wants he wants to keep fighting harder to keep someone who hasn't decided is she wants him or not, so while that thought makes sense to some of us that is not keeping this man's best interest in mind. his best interest, according to what he says he wants, is to keep fighting for her and that to him is the definition of love.

[Sleeplesstoo]

OMG.

I get "we are not insulting you"

Then I get "if you want to be pampered"

Im sure in real life you don't sound like such a judgemental jerk and it is only a function of the medium -

 

Well Nguy, seems the question you posed has nearly insited a "riot" LOL;) I'm new here, does this sort of thing happen often? Not only have they "pissed" you off, but a guy over on the next thread is mad as well because he felt his problem was not getting enough attention.

 

I'm not trying to make light of your situation but sometimes we need a little "comic relief" here and I'm not kidding about the guy on the next thread. LOL:)

 

I gave you my 2 cents earlier, follow your head, your heart, and your conscience. Sometimes what we really need is a sounding board with which to bounce our own thoughts off of. That in itself can provide clarity. Maybe that is what you were really looking for here, and it seems there is definitely some strong differences of opinion amongst the contributors. Take what you will from all, even if it's simply what "not" to do.