on dealing with my little sisters' romantic interests

[Chojin]

Hello. New member here. I just stumbled upon LoveShack.org while looking for advice on how to deal with my little sisters' emerging romantic interests.

 

A little background on my sisters' and me first. I am the oldest male of three children. I have two younger sisters; one 3 years younger, and another 10 years younger - I'm 28.

 

For the most part, I was the only guy, aside from our dad, in my sisters' lives. Being the older brother, they always looked to me for direction and to help them through a lot of things life threw at them. And yes, I would say that I'm rather protective of them. So now, I'm starting to notice other guys in their lives, and it's a little hard for me to admit this, but I think I'm a little jealous.

 

And so I think my youngest sister might have a boyfriend, but I don't know for sure. She spends a huge chunk of time chatting online with her friends and checking her social networking profiles. We don't have an unlimited phone text messaging plan, so she can't freely text message as much as she wants. But I always see her chatting with the same guy, and sometimes when she receives a phone call in the presence of family members, she'll find a corner to talking quietly in. Truthfully, all this sneaking around is making me very angry, and it makes me like the guy less - and I haven't even met him. I mean, we're not stupid; I hope my sister doesn't think we are.

 

And so I'd like to ask, for all you older brothers/sisters (well, mainly older brothers) out there, how did you deal with accepting another guy into your sisters' lives? I know she will eventually introduce me to someone, but for me, ANY guy she brings home to the family will automatically have -10 points.

[Trimmer]

Since it sounds like you have taken on somewhat of a parental role in your sisters' lives, you should learn an important point about parenting and child development: the whole point of growing up is that eventually you become an adult and do things and make decisions on your own. And as a parent, or a big brother, part of your job is eventually letting go.

 

If my math serves me correctly, she is 18 now, yes? If this is the first time you have had to deal with "boy issues" in her life, then she isn't exactly ahead of the curve; in other words, in a young adult's normal development, it's about time she started socializing with males other than her father and big brother.

 

You think that her finding a quiet corner to take a phone call constitutes "sneaking around" - as if you have some kind of right to monitor her activities? This makes you angry, and you feel like she is treating you as if you are stupid? Perhaps if you try thinking of her as an adult, instead of a 9-year old, it will make more sense to you.

 

And so I'd like to ask, for all you older brothers/sisters (well, mainly older brothers) out there, how did you deal with accepting another guy into your sisters' lives? I know she will eventually introduce me to someone, but for me, ANY guy she brings home to the family will automatically have -10 points.

That is your problem, and it will be a problem that you will burden her with unless you can get past it. You are taking a parental role here, so I will say again: understand that the job of a parent is eventually to let go. She is becoming an adult; legally she is one already. If you overprotect her, you are NOT doing her any favors, as once she moves out into the world, fully on her own, she will need to do things and make decisions for herself anyway.

 

Of course, your overprotectiveness - your automatic disapproval of any male companion - may eventually eat at her enough that she will rebel and break free from you all on her own, which may be the thing she needs most at some point.

 

A question: you are 28 years old, and it sounds like you are still spending a lot of time "at home", as in, at your parents' house... Are you still living at home, or do you just spend a lot of time there?

[Chojin]

No, I do not feel like I have taken on the parental role in my sisters' lives. My parents are still very much a part of all our lives, and I leave the parenting up to them. I'm the older brother, and is it wrong for me to be a little protective of my younger sisters?

 

I didn't say I had the right monitor her conversations and activities. If i implied it, then that's not what I intended. And as I understand it's just a part of the growing up process - it's a little disappointing to me that my little sister can't let me know she might be seeing someone. Am I coming off too strong on her that she can't tell me? Is she afraid to tell me? Perhaps I'm just disappointed in myself.

 

I'm not actually THAT overprotective. I'm concerned about my sisters' well-being of course, but I'm not like some psycho brother who won't let his little sister see anyone and fights off everyone with a baseball bat.

 

And yes, I do realize there will be a time where I will just need to let go. I was just wondering if anyone had any advice to help.

 

A question: you are 28 years old, and it sounds like you are still spending a lot of time "at home", as in, at your parents' house... Are you still living at home, or do you just spend a lot of time there?

I live by myself actually, and about 3 hours away from my parent's house. My sister moved out to the dorms, and we all convene together on special occasions such as holidays. I'm probably being silly, but these feelings only overwhelm me when we're all at home together.

 

Well Trimmer - thanks.

[norajane]

it's a little disappointing to me that my little sister can't let me know she might be seeing someone. Am I coming off too strong on her that she can't tell me? Is she afraid to tell me?

 

Yep, she sure is afraid. Whether you realize it or not, your disappointment/anger/jealousy/disapproval/etc. attitude is coming across to her loud and clear! That's why she won't tell you anything about her personal life. What would be the point of her telling you about her interest in a guy if she believes you'll only disapprove and get upset.

 

The only way for her to feel comfortable confiding in you is if you start treating her like an adult, include her in YOUR confidences, and ask her about hers in an interested way, not an accusing way.

 

I have a sister who is 14 years younger than me and we are best friends who tell each other everything and turn to each other for support. She's always been a smart girl, and I always made a point of including her in my thoughts and feelings about guys I was dating, and asked for her opinions or a shoulder to cry on. Because I was open with her, she felt comfortable in talking to me about her bf's and issues. I do not criticize her choices or behavior, although I point out when my perspective on someone is different from hers or if I see some red flags - just as I would do with a friend.

 

Start calling your sister every now and then and chat with her, tell her about your life and what you're up to and who you are dating. Ask her about her life in the dorms, the people she's meeting. Be friendly and open, not critical. If she opens up and tells you she's dating someone, be happy and interested. Tell her you'd love to meet him, next time you visit her on campus. Be her friend, not her father.

 

Final point, I believe this also bugs you a little because you see your sister growing up and away from you. No doubt she will grow up, but she doesn't have to grow away if you nurture your friendship with her. But, first, you do have to start seeing her and acknowledging that she is well on her way to being an adult.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

if she's 10 years younger than you, then she is 18 years old. back off. whether you think you are or not, you're parenting her, and she's not stupid, she knows how you think. she's not a 12 year old you're trying to keep out of trouble.

 

let your parents do their jobs. if you're concerned, share your concern with them and let them take care of it.

 

she should be able to look to you for guidance and help, but because you treat her like you're a parent instead of a helpful older sibling, she's as loathe to approach you as she is your parents. you should be the one she feels she can come to, even if you disagree with what she's doing, she would take it in a better stride than if your parents were disagreeing with her.

 

besides, what is she doing? talking to boys...at 18. ooooooh, what next? holding hands? oh, no. she doesn't tell you about it, not only because she doesn't want your reaction, but also because it really isn't your business, and the more you try to make it your business, the more she will hide it.

 

my advice? lay off of her. if she was your brother and was talking to girls, you'd be high-fiving him at all the ass action he's potentially getting. in my opinion, you're trying to get way too involved in your sister's love life, and that's not healthy for either of you.

Edited December 29, 2007 by KenzieAbsolutely

[spookie]

Hm. I have siblings too (I have two younger brothers) but I can't say I've ever felt the way you do. It would not disturb me in the least to hear about my brother's sexual/romantic conquests, and if he didn't find me so boring, I know he wouldn't mind hearing about mine. Maybe it'll be different for me with the little one, who's 16 years younger, but I can't imagine why.

 

You sound like a caring brother and I think your sisters are lucky to have you in their lives. The brother that's close to me in age wouldn't care if I were dead - I'd say overprotection is better than apathy.

 

I think you're just feeling so weird about this cause your sister is so much younger that you that you're used to thinking about her as a baby. You'll get used to it, in time. Just think back to when you were 18, and remember that it's normal. And if she starts dating shady characters - well, that's normal too. Mistakes are how people find wisdom. You gotta let her make em.

[Trimmer]

No, I do not feel like I have taken on the parental role in my sisters' lives.... is it wrong for me to be a little protective of my younger sisters?

Absolutely not. I didn't mean to imply that you had taken on the primary parental role, or substituted yourself for your parents, but that in the guidance you have provided her, and in approving/disapproving of her behaviors and choices, you have edged into a partially parental role (I think I used the term "somewhat".) And I'm not denigrating you for that: it's what caring older siblings have done for (and to ) their younger siblings for generations, and it's not necessarily a bad thing.

 

However, all children need to separate from their parents (and those in even partially parental-type roles,) and how you deal with that will factor into how she goes through this next developmental stage.

 

I didn't say I had the right monitor her conversations and activities. If i implied it, then that's not what I intended.

Sorry, that's how I read it - just the mere fact that she sought out a quiet corner for a private conversation (which is a pretty normal behavior for an adult, or anyone over the age of 14 or so...) left you feeling angry because she was "sneaking around." I took it from there... But I am getting a broader sense of your concerns from your other comments now.

 

I'm not actually THAT overprotective. I'm concerned about my sisters' well-being of course, but I'm not like some psycho brother who won't let his little sister see anyone and fights off everyone with a baseball bat.

Then before even meeting "the guy", do your best not to knock off 10 points just for the mere fact that your sister is interested in him, and try not to automatically "like the guy less" because your sister wants to have private conversations with him. If any of these attitudes leak out to your sister (they are bound to, and they are just as much an obstacle to her opening up to you as a baseball bat would be...) you are sending a message to her that you don't trust her judgement, and that you don't consider her to be an adult capable of making choices and judgements for herself. In view of that, would it be any wonder that she would keep her social life from you?

 

She is at a developmental stage in her life where she needs to transition to a view of herself as an independent, capable adult. Part of this will be a natural and quite normal degree of separation from family; the degree of separation will depend partly on how she is treated. To the degree she feels she is treated like a child within the family, she will create more and more separation, in order to support and protect her self-image as an independent adult. (see this thread for an extreme example of that dynamic.)

 

On the other hand, if she is accepted within the family as an adult - welcomed into adulthood and an adult role within the family; trusted as an adult to make judgements about her own life - she will be able to maintain generally closer ties with the family and still feel validated and maintain her self-image as an adult.

 

And as I understand it's just a part of the growing up process - it's a little disappointing to me that my little sister can't let me know she might be seeing someone. Am I coming off too strong on her that she can't tell me? Is she afraid to tell me? Perhaps I'm just disappointed in myself.

Now here I think you are asking yourself the right questions, but there's no reason to be disappointed in yourself. Is there any reason to think you've been anything but a good brother, watching out for your sisters, giving guidance and support when needed? I bet they are lucky to have had you in that role. But now she's at a point where you can play an important - but different - part in the next stage of her journey.

 

And yes, I do realize there will be a time where I will just need to let go.

Yes, and even parents with more experience raising children can have difficulty with this. Raising kids isn't a process where you control them and guide them completely for 18 or 20 years and then one day grit your teeth and convince yourself that "now" it's time to open a door and kick them through it and "let go."

 

Raising kids is a 20-year long transition, which starts with complete dependence and control, and gradually shifts more and more responsibility and control to the child over that long stretch, so that by the time they are 18 or 20 or whatever, they have had different kinds and levels of experiences along the way at making decisions, making mistakes, at using their own judgement, at being trusted. "Letting go" doesn't happen in a moment, at a graduation, a wedding, or over a week or a month or a year. It starts when they are born and continues throughout their lives.

 

You know, I think I've been kind of hard on you here, but I really feel for you. You have, to some degree, been experiencing the pull of parenthood. Will you ever be ready to "let go?" I really relate to this because I am in the middle of that long stretch with a daughter and son, 10 and 8 respectively, and although I know all this stuff intellectually, I can totally imagine your feelings, and we'll just see how I handle it as time goes on...

 

She's 18 and off to school on her own; I bet she's ready to be treated more like an adult. At this point, realize that for her to eventually become a fully capable adult, she will need much less protection - and maybe even less guidance, too - from you. She needs to take on those roles in her own life.

 

But that doesn't mean your role is over. For the next stage in her life, the most precious thing you could do to support her is to show your recognition that although she may be your younger sister forever, she isn't your "little" sister any more; give her your acceptance in her newly developing role as a peer in the adult world. This may mean letting go of your view of her role as child, as "little sister", and developing a new view of her as an adult, in the world, and within the family. What a great gift you could give...

 

I live by myself actually, and about 3 hours away from my parent's house. My sister moved out to the dorms, and we all convene together on special occasions such as holidays. I'm probably being silly, but these feelings only overwhelm me when we're all at home together.

You know, that was a lame comment on my part. I think based on the closeness of your family, I was genuinely wondering whether you all still lived together, but it came out like I was asking you if you were a 28 year old still living in your parents' basement... I was being pissy, and I apologize.

Edited December 29, 2007 by Trimmer

[cutegirl]

To be honest, if I had a brother paying attention to my conversations at 18 I would leave home and never talk to anyone in the family ever again, but then again I am EXTREMELY independent and don't take kindly to ANYONE telling what to do, especially over the age of 18. I would jet out of there...

 

I take it from your username that you are Korean? I've had some some Korean friends and Korean families are usually very strict on the females etc. I am Asian myself but very independent and don't take crap from anyone, I'm also not traditional whatsoever. If I had an older brothering monitoring my dating activities I would be saving money and planning my escape to move out of there ASAP and then severe all ties. Nothing irritates me more than being "protected" or "patronized". Just because someone is female doesn't mean they need to be protected, they could even be tougher and stronger than you are. If she wants to have sex she can do it with whomever she likes, that's none of your business either, let alone a phone conversation.

 

I wouldn't take it as a sign of love or caring, I would take it as invasiveness and be planning my escape.

[HokeyReligions]

How about a POV from the baby of the family. My brother is 12 years older than me.

 

Did you talk openly to your parents about your sex life? About the feelings you had when you were first discovering girls and sex? Are you comfortable thinking about your parents having sex - including adventerous sex? If so, you should be able to talk openly with your sisters about their feelings. If not, then you can appreciate that they may be very shy and embarassed about discussing their own sexuality and romantic interests with you.

 

You have a fantastic opportunity to learn and teach important communication skills between the sexes and to learn yourself how young women feel and approach romance. And to share with them how young men feel and approach the same.

 

Respecting each other and developing those communication skills will help you to let go and to understand that no one will replace you as their big brother and let them know that they have someone they can count on when they have heart-breaks of their own. Together you all can become strong and healthy adults who are supportive of each other. There are things that siblings can talk about that they can't talk to parents about.

 

I think its great that you care and are somewhat protective of your sisters. My brother was not like that with me and I have always wished he had been that way. Now that we are grown and had children of our own, and in my brothers case he has grandchildren and even a couple of great-grandkids! (I'm too young to have a brother that old - he must be more than a mere 12 years older than me! ) but we have grown closer in a way now. We seldom see each other - it's been a couple of years - but we know that the other is there now. My sister, on the other hand, I have nothing to do with. We spoke briefly when mom died 16 months ago but only over some minor paperwork. That was the only time we spoke in the last 23 or so years and we have not seen each other in well over 25 years - she and my husband have never even met.

 

Talk to your sisters. Tell them you love them and care about then and ask them to have some patience with you too because you want them to be happy and it's hard for you to let go. I'll bet they will love hearing that and will be more comfortable with you - and you with them.

[ShoeGirl]

I was on the opposite side of the same situation. I have a brother 5 years older than me who has always been overprotective and he flipped out when I started dating a guy when I was 17. I was afraid to tell my brother anything that was going on because I knew he would flip on my bf. He found out that my ex bf had been cheating on me he found my phone and got my exes number so he could call him and tell him off.

 

Since then my brother and I have become better friends and he admitted that he hated the fact that I was dating someone because he still saw me as a little kid. He said that it wouldn't have mattered who I was dating he would automatically find everything he could wrong with the guy so he could hate him.

 

I am now dating someone new and I have been very upfront with my brother about everything that has happened with my bf. He has finally realized that I can take care of myself and make my own decisions. He is still protective but not obsessive.

 

My advice to you is to try being friends with your sisters, so that they feel comfortable telling you what is going on. Other than that I think it will just take time for you to get used to other guys being in their lives.

[cutegirl]

I'm so glad I don't have a brother. I would hate to feel like I HAVE to be upfront about anything to a brother of all people. If I would be living with my parents still then I guess I would have to deal with them, but I wouldn't feel like any brother or sister would have ANY authority over me whatsoever and I wouldn't feel that I would have to obligated to tell any brother ANYTHING about my personal life. Just thinking about it is infuriating already.

 

Why would a brother have the right to expect me to be upfront about anything? I wouldn't OWE him anything, he's a brother, not an authority figure. How insulting if he would think he would have something to say about my private life. I would be insulted and get the HELL out of there and get my own place ASAP.

Edited January 2, 2008 by cutegirl

[ShoeGirl]

I'm so glad I don't have a brother. I would hate to feel like I HAVE to be upfront about anything to a brother of all people. If I would be living with my parents still then I guess I would have to deal with them, but I wouldn't feel like any brother or sister would have ANY authority over me whatsoever and I wouldn't feel that I would have to obligated to tell any brother ANYTHING about my personal life. Just thinking about it is infuriating already.

 

Why would a brother have the right to expect me to be upfront about anything? I wouldn't OWE him anything, he's a brother, not an authority figure. How insulting if he would think he would have something to say about my private life. I would be insulted and get the HELL out of there and get my own place ASAP.

 

I haven't lived at home in years so that's not the issue for me. My father hasn't really been in my life for as long as I can remember so I think my brother feels like he has to protect me because there is no one else to do it, but he doesn't act like an authority over me.

 

Honestly I probably wouldn't be up front with him as much as I am now if it weren't for the fact that we have become friends and the fact that I know he wants the best for me and I value his opinion. He has seen how some of his friends have treated girlfriends and how the girls let them do it and he didn't want that to happen to me. He knows that he can give me his opinion but that I get to decide what I do. It is also different now because he is married and his wife and I get along great so she helps calm him down when he gets angry about something that has happened to me.