Thoughts, comments, concerns??? Shoot em my way!

[stevem1981]

Well I've got a story and a back story like everybody else I suppose. I'm 26 years old, and thinking about getting engaged.

 

We've been together for a year and a half now, and I certainly do love her to death. I enjoy spending time with her, snuggling up with her, and find her to be beautiful. We have future plans including a home together, kids, etc. In short, the relationship in and of itself is solid.

 

However, there comes the back story.

 

For starters, I've been married before, for about a year. While this isn't the proudest thing I can announce to people, I'd like to think I've learned from the experience. I'm a little more aware of what it takes to make a relationship last. I'm a little more aware of the warning signs of a bad relationship and much more alert for them now. In general, I would also like to think I'm a bit more mature than I was in my previous relationship (which I started at the tender age of 19).

 

Because of this part, I suspect I'm a little more paranoid than the average guy. Adding to this are the numerous articles floating around about what happens to men who get divorced (it really isn't pretty...), which of course I read. So am I scared? Yes and no. I fully trust my current girlfriend; but going through one divorce with a girl I hated at the end of the ordeal was enough for me. I have no desire to go through it again.

 

The next part of this story relates to the parents. Her parents are beginning to push for an engagement, and I suspect mine would be opposed to it (although perhaps not as much as I fear). While I have no qualms about getting engaged (I do desire to spend the rest of my days with this gal), I don't want to do it because I'm being pushed. Moreover, while my parent's opinions generally have little impact upon me, I'm not interested in a huge battle, which did occur the last time I got engaged...

 

Then there is the realities of life: I've screwed up a lot in my past, and while my life is currently on the road to being on track, I'm not yet where I'd like to be with my career. While I expect that I should be within a year or two (with significant steps being made toward that now), I would personally prefer a greater degree of financial and career stability before I make a lifelong commitment.

 

So my plan for now is as follows:

 

While I do have money in savings currently, I will not use them currently; instead I will set aside funds specifically for the ring, so that in eight months, I'll be able to get something respectable, while concurrently continuing to save for a home, summer vacation, the certifications that I'll be obtaining, car maintenance, etc. At that point, we will have been together for over two years, thus reducing the amount my folks can really bitch about it, minimizing the commentary from her folks, ensuring some fiscal security, and giving me time to further my career goals.

 

So as the topic says, thoughts, comments, concerns?

[Ronni_W]

Hi Steve.

How do you feel about forgiving yourself for making a mistake way back when you where 19? -- why not just let your first marriage be "a GREAT learning opportunity!"...you obviously did learn a lot about yourself, about relationships and about Life by making that single "excellent decision" .

 

I can't tell if your desire for greater financial/career stability is just something you're using to avoid having conversations and conflicts with people whose opinions are completely irrelevant(???) Only your and your g/f's wishes and desires count here.

 

There's a good chance that, 1 or 2 years from now, there'll be something else that you'll decide you "need" before getting engaged...or married...or starting a family, etc., etc.

Really, only YOU can tell if the need is real and reasonable, or just a smoke-screen to cover other fears.

 

The only way to stay disinterested in "huge" battles is to not engage in them in even the smallest way: When you're ready to announce your engagement, tell one and all that you are ONLY accepting congratulations and good wishes, and all other comments or complaints must be addressed to 'Dear Abby'...or here to the LS community at large .

 

Best of luck. It's a good plan, save for if you're just BSsing yourself, and all the parts where it's more about keeping parents and future in-laws happy.

[stevem1981]

I can't tell if your desire for greater financial/career stability is just something you're using to avoid having conversations and conflicts with people whose opinions are completely irrelevant(???) Only your and your g/f's wishes and desires count here.

 

A little clarification is due I suppose:

 

While I'm not a bum by any means, my current job is somewhat of a fluke, in that it was more or less handed to me by family (with whom I have a colorful relationship at best). Yes it pays well and it is more than likely a stable job (although I do worry about this sometimes), but I dislike it in every sense: the job itself (accounting & IT), the people I work with, etc.

 

Moreover, if I did get canned, I feel I would be in a world of hurt in terms of quickly obtaining another job. This of course has given me significant motivation to improve my skills in my preferred profession (IT, no accounting please). Is this directly needed for marriage? No. Is it needed for my own mental health and self assurance? Absolutely.

 

The only way to stay disinterested in "huge" battles is to not engage in them in even the smallest way: When you're ready to announce your engagement, tell one and all that you are ONLY accepting congratulations and good wishes, and all other comments or complaints must be addressed to 'Dear Abby'...or here to the LS community at large .

 

Now this is gold! Although in the meantime, I've taken some time to write down some thoughts in relation to some anticipated arguments; effectively, I've written down what I expect certain "interested" parties are likely to say, and given my counterpoint, so that when the arguments do come up, I'm less liable to give a hot headed response, and give something a bit more thought out.

[Ronni_W]

Is this directly needed for marriage? No. Is it needed for my own mental health and self assurance? Absolutely.

 

Hopefully you'll continue to take care of your mental health and emotional wellness for the rest of your days...single, engaged or married .

 

In my own experience, if you wait for THE time when you feel nice and "ready" in mind, body and Spirit...well, isn't that a bit like saying that you plan, some day, to run out of new desires and personal goals?

If you look at engagement or marriage as being a partnership that will always encourage ever-expanding growth and development for BOTH, then where you are now isn't quite the obstacle it's become in your head.

 

...I've taken some time to write down...my counterpoint,

 

On the other hand, you are a GROWN-UP, and do not need to explain, reason or excuse any of your choices and decisions -- no matter if others perceive it to come from "poor judgment" or insufficient data or whatever.

 

BUT. Everything you've written here and are telling yourself privately are indeed great excuses not to make a deeper commitment now...like I said, you are the ONLY judge of that. I've just added my 2 cents to keep your inner conversations er, interesting . Whatever you're decide will be *perfect* for you for that time.

[stevem1981]

Well if nothing else, time is on my side. Fortunately, my girlfriend is relatively patient with me, and isn't pushing anything.