? 2.5 years into it, and need .

[Forget About Her]

Here's a quick run down of what's going on. We've been together for about 2.5 years. She's 21 and I'm 25. We both have great jobs, and click awesomely! (That's a real word) She is beautiful, smart, is going to law school, and just all-around the ideal girl of what I'm looking for. We are completely comfortable with each other and we have each other's backs in every situation.

 

The problem is, she has that classic "italian temper" (no offense to any italians). She is very quick to fly off the handle for stupid things. Like if someone text messages her and I ask her who it is or what they want, she starts yelling at me "What is with 1000 questions? Jeez, I'll call him right now and find out." It's stupid stuff like that, and it never gets better. I can't take her quick temper and her yelling. I'm at the point now where if we are hanging out together and she starts that ****, I just leave. She almost always calls or texts to apologize, but this time I told her it was too little too late. I broke up with her yesterday.

 

She is very stubborn, and promises she is trying to work on that. Is that something that will ever go away, or am I screwed here. The only thing I think of is when we get married and have kids, we will no-doubt encounter much larger problems that we need to work through. I want to be able to work through problems without yelling and loosing tempers.

 

Please help me out and let me know what to do.

[Forget About Her]

Sorry for the messed up title, I don't know what happen.

[johan]

I think you did the right thing. It's going to take time for this to settle in for you two. At least you both can take the time to think about the big picture. I'm sure she will realize that if she made a change, then the relationship could be repaired.

 

It's hard to say whether it's something she can change. More than just a bad habit, it's probably part of her personality. And I can imagine her trying to suppress it, only to have a much bigger explosion after a while.

 

It's more likely to change if she recognizes it as a problem in and of itself. Versus just trying to alter things because it bothers you and affects your relationship.

 

I get in the habit of allowing myself to get pissed at stupid stuff. But mostly just in private when I'm working on things by myself. Over time I start to realize it's not healthy for me and is pretty ridiculous, so I take control of that and feel better.

[Saxis]

Taking a little break to think things through might do both of you some good. Give her a chance to see that her outbursts are ugly and immature, and take your time deciding if this is something you're willing to work through. It could just be as easy as something she'll grow out of, or as complicated as insecurities, on your part, hers or both! Do you trust her? Why do you need to know every detail about every call/message she gets? Do you think she could be seeing someone on the sly? I'd have no idea. Take some time, then go talk to her about it.

Edited December 28, 2007 by Saxis

[EYECANDY000]

It is really hard to change someone.. I think even if she calmed it down a couple of notches she would still feel like inside she cant express her true feelings.. and its just going to get bottled up inside until she explodes. If you have already broken up with her I would definately say thats the first step to showing her that she has a problem and needs to get a handel on herself.. If the tantrums are just unbearable then I would say go your seperate ways...

The way I see it, is you getting back together and your going to feel like you cant even ask her a simple question without her blowing her top. and you guys will have the same argument over and over again

[Forget About Her]

I really appreciate your guys advice. As far as the questioning, it was just regular conversation questions. Believe me, if you knew me, I'm the most laid back non-jelous guy you've ever met. She goes out whenever she wants, hangs out with whomever she wants, and doesn't get any questions from me. I trust her, and if she ever decides she wants to cheat, she'll most likely get caught eventually, so why sit there and worry about it.

 

We were laying in bed together after a really fun day at the beach. She got a text and I just said "Who's that". She said it was her roomates bf, and I said "Oh, what does he want?" She like blew her top and got so frustrated. So I just got up calmly, said goodbye and left. She called me a minute later and said "He just wanted to know where her roomate was b/c he can't get ahold of her." I said okay, and that I would talk to her later.

 

I'm past the point of dealing with that BS, and if the relationship has to end, it has to end. I don't want it to, and I really feel that she is long-term relationship material (aka wifey material). I love her and I'm happier knowing she's there and has my back. I just can't deal with that stuff, and as many times as I've told her, nothing seems to change.

 

Should I just put up with it?

[blueskyeyes]

First let me give you props for disengaging from the situation when she gets toxic. It's much better than getting in her grill about it.

 

"Should I just put up with it?"

 

Noooooooo!!! Her temper is her problem yet in a relationship if one person has a problem you both do. It seems like you really care about this girl and besides the temper, you have a lot of good things. I would HIGHLY suggest you two go see a councelor together. People can change but only after some work and sometimes things only change temporarly. I'd say apporach her about seeing a relationship therapist together, you may even learn some areas you can work on?! In the end if she doesn't change then leave. My grandmother on her death bed gave me the most profound advice: "There are people you love and people you love you should marry. Knowing the difference is the hardest part!" It took me years to understand how right she was! I'd say give it a chance, if it doesn't work then cut your losses and seek someone without anger issues. She may be able to change that part of herself or she may not. There is a core part of each of us that is unchangable. Remember a leapord may be able to change the color of it's spots but it can't stop being a leapord!

 

I wish you two the best,

 

-JHB

[norajane]

Your problems is oh-so-familiar as I come from one of those cultures where tempers are always on the front burner. Growing up in my house, tempers flared often and immediately dispersed, and were barely even noticed.

 

There are a couple of good points:

 

- grudges and resentments were unheard of, as the little tantrums dissipate any frustrations and nothing ever builds up

 

- the flipside is passion/affection. The same quick to emote quality that is expressed in anger, also comes out in the form of passion and affection, which I'm sure you already know.

 

So, the bad news is that this will always be a struggle for her as it is part of her passionate nature. The good news is that she can learn to control her temper. She is only 21 - she has not yet reached a level of maturity to understand that everyone doesn't react to little tantrums by brushing them off as her family did. And she hasn't yet started to learn to control it.

 

Make it clear - as you have - that her tantrums are not acceptable behavior. Suggest that she take an Anger Management class to help her learn her triggers and how to overcome them. It's very possible to do, but she has to seek it out and make an effort.

 

Finally, keep in mind that it's not really ANGER. The outbursts are generally about frustration, disappointment, sadness, hurt, insecurity, any number of things that are covered by an angry outburst. It helps to understand that there's usually something behind it that's harder for her to express to you - some of those deeper emotions are harder to talk about as opposed to a quick burst of anger that will help dissipate the underlying emotion.

Edited December 29, 2007 by norajane

[infiniteQuest]

It's a cultural thing. In some cultures, emotions (anger, passion) are rarely shown. In others, there are emotional outbursts all the time. If an American would spend 5 minutes listening to a typical everyday conversation between 2 French women, he would think they were yelling at each other. In reality, that's just how certain cultures interact. With PASSION!