BF is in a bad mood...

[Star Gazer]

...again. This happens fairly often, most often due to work-related irritations or random things that just "go wrong" and make his life a little more difficult. Luckily, his job will end very soon and he won't have those stressors, but life is full of things that don't go quite as planned, so I know he'll be in a mood in the future. For the most part he's laid back and easy going and fun to be around, but on grouchy days...ugh.

 

But how am I supposed to deal when he's grouchy? I can't help but take it personally. For example, we're supposed to be hanging out tonight before going skiing tomorrow but our plans are delayed because of this work-related thing he's currently at. He's frustrated and irritated and doesn't want to be there at all. I know this. However, I'm not going to sit around waiting for him all the time when stuff like this comes up. I mean, I'll be around when he's done with what he's doing, but I don't want to just sit around in the meantime....waiting.

 

A little bit ago texted me to tell me it's going to be "a little late before he can get here." So I asked, "Okay, I understand. But can I ask, what do you mean by a little late? Does that mean like 8ish, or are you meaning like 10ish?"

 

He again gets frustrated, "I have NO IDEA, Star! I really don't know, I don't know what you want me to say. I don't want to be here either."

 

"I don't have a particular answer in mind, I'm just curious about timing so that I can figure out whether I have time to do other stuff while you're tied up. I know you don't want to be there, and I'm in no rush." Then to be a doormat, I add, "It'll be a relaxing night when you're done. Let me know if you want me to make dinner or have something waiting when you get here."

 

Silence. I know that despite my best efforts to be cool, he's all irritated at me. Part of me wants to tell him we should just not see each other tonight and go skiing on our own tomorrow, and see each other when we're both back in town on NYE. But seeing as our time together is limited before he moves away, I want to see him. I just want the time we spend together to be pleasant.

 

What's particularly irritating about this sort of thing is that, when plans go awry due to something work related (his or mine), he acts like I'm soooo upset and devastated. Today when he called to tell me he had to do this particular work thing again (he did it last night too), he said, "Sorry to crush you... again." He didn't crush me, the situation didn't crush me, it's fine. No biggie.

 

He often makes comments suggesting that he thinks he's disappointing me or letting me down. I wouldn't agree with those inferences. However, his assumption that he's disappointing me irritates him, and then he turns that irritation at me.

 

Can anyone help me understand or deal with this?

[johan]

He acts this way, because he's allowed to, and because it causes a sympathetic reaction from you. Or something like that.

 

"I don't have a particular answer in mind, I'm just curious about timing so that I can figure out whether I have time to do other stuff while you're tied up. I know you don't want to be there, and I'm in no rush." Then to be a doormat, I add, "It'll be a relaxing night when you're done. Let me know if you want me to make dinner or have something waiting when you get here."

 

The right response would be:

 

"LOOK, F*ck*er! I don't have a particular answer in mind, I'm just curious about timing so that I can figure out whether I have time to do other stuff while you're tied up. I know you don't want to be there, and I'm in no rush! Now untie your panties, and get here when you can!"

[Ariadne]

"I have NO IDEA, Star! I really don't know, I don't know what you want me to say. I don't want to be here either."

 

(lol)

 

Yeah, that's grouchy.

 

Maybe his ex gf treated him like crap whenever something like that happened, you know, he's like those beaten dogs.

 

Some guys are just not used to women being reasonable and nice, they expect btches all the time.

 

Ariadne

[spookie]

He acts this way, because he's allowed to, and because it causes a sympathetic reaction from you. Or something like that.

 

 

 

The right response would be:

 

I wasn't sure what to say, but I think Johan may be right. I think it hurts your bf a lot to have to disappoint you, and when you tiptoe around his moods, he misinterprets your sympathy as disappointment or an attempt at subtle manipulation. Try being more bold around him. Act like his grouchiness doesn't phase you, and perhaps it won't, and he'll feel more free to feel what he does.

[whichwayisup]

But how am I supposed to deal when he's grouchy? I can't help but take it personally.

 

His bad mood(s) have nothing to do with you so please stop trying to take it personally.

 

You need to learn how to handle it and just leave him be. Don't try to push him, talk to him about anything serious, or ask if he is mad at you. That will only piss him off and make him mad at you. I mean when you have PMS and just feel grumpy, you're not mad at your boyfriend right? Because your PMS has nothing to do with him.

 

want to see him. I just want the time we spend together to be pleasant.

Then you must be giving off this vibe to him, I mean every single time you see him can't always be rosy and happy. He has to act like himself and maybe (like his mood) he just wants to be normal and not worry about how he has to act around you, not worry about how he is coming off because of the mood. I think you're both trying too hard to be perfect and squish everything together before he leaves.

[Saxis]

It sounds like he is a little bit insecure about these situations. Almost setting himself up as a disappointment to you because he thinks he's putting you out. I think a little chat (maybe not tonight ) to reassure him that "sh*t happens", so to speak, and you are fine with that. It might take a little more effort than that, though. Maybe something special as a surprise (dinner, a massage etc) when he does get home to reassure him that he is/was not a disappointment that night. In time I think he'll learn to be a little more comfortable (as long as he doesn't start making it a habit to gain favors! ). Also, instead of asking "What time?", try "Ok, let me know when you're on your way!".

 

Other than that, I'm really at a loss.

[johan]

Yeah. He's assuming you feel a certain way about things. So he's responding to that, instead of how you really feel. So you must 1) make it so he doesn't have to assume, and 2) demand he respond to you with respect, and 3) don't baby him when he gets all petulant.

 

As far as 1 goes, he's arguing with you when you aren't even arguing back. So either argue back, or remove the idea that you have unexpressed feelings.

 

As far as 2 goes, he won't respect you if you don't demand it.

 

As far as 3 goes, don't make it acceptable for crappy moods to affect how your relationship goes. He should treat you like he'd treat his best, most trusted friend.

 

So expressing a little anger when you feel it would buy you a lot here.

[a-sweetart]

I have experienced the same kind of situation and I think when you are always so sweet and appeasing it makes them feel bad, like they are letting you down... again. So try being more direct and use a little humor to make him realize it is not the end of your world if plans have to change.

 

 

Like johan said but in your own way...

[whichwayisup]

He also should feel comfortable enough to say to you, "I am sorry, I've had a really crappy day and am in a very bad mood. Can we see eachother tomorrow? Just think I won't be much fun or good company tonight." But because of this wanting to spend alot of time together and that time is supposed to be fun, again, I think you both are assuming and miscommunicating abit. Wait afew days and then talk to him about it.

 

Remember though, a bad mood is just that. A bad mood! Don't let his mood ruin you.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

Yeah. He's assuming you feel a certain way about things. So he's responding to that, instead of how you really feel. So you must 1) make it so he doesn't have to assume, and 2) demand he respond to you with respect, and 3) don't baby him when he gets all petulant.

 

As far as 1 goes, he's arguing with you when you aren't even arguing back. So either argue back, or remove the idea that you have unexpressed feelings.

 

As far as 2 goes, he won't respect you if you don't demand it.

 

As far as 3 goes, don't make it acceptable for crappy moods to affect how your relationship goes. He should treat you like he'd treat his best, most trusted friend.

 

So expressing a little anger when you feel it would buy you a lot here.

 

i agree with this completely. and you should be taking it personally, because you are the one who gets treated this way and has to deal with it when he has his little tantrums.

 

you have to find a way to show him this way isn't going to work for you, or it will never change. his job may change, sure, but stressors never go away, which means this is how will always be between you too as long as he acts this way and you put up with it and coddle him when he's nasty to you.

 

i don't know if this is worth mentioning or not, but i will anyway. i didn't need to see the author of this thread to know who it was about. that's all.

[Star Gazer]

I think it hurts your bf a lot to have to disappoint you, and when you tiptoe around his moods, he misinterprets your sympathy as disappointment or an attempt at subtle manipulation. Try being more bold around him. Act like his grouchiness doesn't phase you, and perhaps it won't, and he'll feel more free to feel what he does.

 

Admittedly, the last-minute change in plans due to work crap used to bother me...a lot. I'd be so looking forward to seeing him, only to have our plans postponed/changed/delayed, and my disappointment showed. I'm a pouter, he can even see my pouting over the phone.

 

However, over time, I've grown accustomed to last-minute changes/cancellations/delays. That's not to say they don't bother me at all, because they still do. But I'm not upset like I used to be. Sure, perhaps I'm still a little bummed because the end result is less quality time together, but I'm more bummed because our time together is marked with this black cloud over his head, not simply because our plans got changed...if that makes sense.

 

Should I call/text him and say anything now? To lighten this up a bit?

[OceanBlue]

Send him a text and tell him you are going out with (insert friend's name)or running out to pick up something or whatever. Tell him you expect to be home at 9 or 10 and that if he is done earlier he can send you a message and you can try to meet then.

 

Either you come across as extremely disappointed/put out by his working late or he is used to that reaction from a prior relationship and anticipating your response.

 

Working late sucks, but it happens to all of us. It shouldn't mean that the one who isn't working sits around doing nothing. He should have been able to give you some sort of estimate as to how long he had to work but didn't. Go and do what you want to do.

[whichwayisup]

Should I call/text him and say anything now? To lighten this up a bit?

 

Let it go. He's in a bad mood...Talk to him tomorrow.

[Star Gazer]

Truth be told, I don't have anything else to do right now because I have no clue how long he's going to be. What's a "little late"? 30 minutes later than planned? 3 hours? There's a big difference there, and he didn't seem to want to tell me what timeline I'd be lookin' at.

[Star Gazer]

Talk to him tomorrow.

 

But we have plans for tonight...? I should let him stand me up?

[OceanBlue]

Truth be told, I don't have anything else to do right now because I have no clue how long he's going to be. What's a "little late"? 30 minutes later than planned? 3 hours? There's a big difference there, and he didn't seem to want to tell me what timeline I'd be lookin' at.

 

 

Decide what you want to do and tell him when you'll be done. solves the problem of him not giving you a timeline.

[a-sweetart]

Go do whatever you want/need to do, and don't feel like you are obligated to wait. But don't text him if he is already stressed and grouchy. Let him be. And when he calls just let him know your status and then you can work it out. He doesn't need to hear his phone beep right now.

[johan]

Yeah. Just let it go. No big deal. You can handle it differently next time.

[Star Gazer]

I'm gonna be pretty perturbed if I don't hear from him tonight though...

[Star Gazer]

i agree with this completely. and you should be taking it personally, because you are the one who gets treated this way and has to deal with it when he has his little tantrums.

 

you have to find a way to show him this way isn't going to work for you, or it will never change. his job may change, sure, but stressors never go away, which means this is how will always be between you too as long as he acts this way and you put up with it and coddle him when he's nasty to you.

 

I wouldn't say he has "tantrums" or that he's "nasty" to me. He's moody. I have tons of friends who behave the same way when they're in a bad mood, but with BF I take it personally.

 

i don't know if this is worth mentioning or not, but i will anyway. i didn't need to see the author of this thread to know who it was about. that's all.

 

I don't get what you're saying here, but I'm assuming its not kind.

[norajane]

Truth be told, I don't have anything else to do right now because I have no clue how long he's going to be. What's a "little late"? 30 minutes later than planned? 3 hours? There's a big difference there, and he didn't seem to want to tell me what timeline I'd be lookin' at.

 

Light some candles, crack open a bottle of wine, turn on some music, and take a book into a luxurious, aromatherapy filled bubble bath. Use this time to relax and pamper yourself.

[whichwayisup]

Well, give him a choice, and just make sure he understands it's no big deal, that you two can see eachother tomorrow after he has a good nights rest. You aren't standing up him, you're cancelling because it might be the right thing to do because of his bad mood.

[Star Gazer]

Well, give him a choice, and just make sure he understands it's no big deal, that you two can see eachother tomorrow after he has a good nights rest. You aren't standing up him, you're cancelling because it might be the right thing to do because of his bad mood.

 

I actually won't see him tomorrow if we don't see each other tonight. We're both going skiing, but not with each other. I'm going to a cheapo place with a friend (because we're newbies) and he's going to the fancy dancy super mountain resort with his buddy. After that, he's going back up to his family's place and won't be back until NYE.

[Star Gazer]

Light some candles, crack open a bottle of wine, turn on some music, and take a book into a luxurious, aromatherapy filled bubble bath. Use this time to relax and pamper yourself.

 

That sounds perfect. I'll do that in a few, as soon as my couscous is done.

[Lishy]

I feel like you will have problems with this guy!