hummingbird04 Posted December 29, 2007 Share Posted December 29, 2007 ok so the guy i am dating well we have been going out for almost 5 months and about 2 months in everything went to hell! he started going off on me about how i talk about my ex's. just to give you examples i would talk about the ex i was engaged to but did not mention his name i would just say how i use to love our car and how it was my baby it was a show car and i miss it. or one time he said he was going to take up kick boxing and i said i had a ex's ho did kick boxing and how his coach wanted me to join the gym. things like that just genral things i have done in life it just so happend that ever now and again a ex's was envolved. he thinks because i said these things in the begining of our relationship that i must not have been as into him as he is into me. i try and try and try to explain to him i love him and that he is the best love the best looking and the best everything that i have ever had but still nothing. he says i only say that now cuz he bitched about it and thats the only reason i stopped talking about them and began telling him how wonderful he is. but it's not true i felt it all along it's just in the begining of a new relationship your not going to tell some one all that cuz the'll freak out and run. so know he brings it up everyday picking at all the things i have said about my ex's saying i must still be in love with them and that i should just find a guy i am really into and not him. i don't know how to fixs this i thave told him sorry and i mean it. everytime i am luaghing or happy around him he makes me feel guilty for not being sad for having hurt him. i don't know what to do! please help me! how can i fix what i never ment to do. i think the main reason why the ex's came up was because although i felt alot for him i didn't think he felt the same cuz he would never say sweet things to me so i just figured he was looking for something casual and i was ok with that i would take him how ever i can get him but he said he didn't say those sweet thing because i was talking about ex's and i talked about ex's because he wasn't saying sweet things so this must be causal. see the problem but he won't except that and gets upset that i felt that way and it all my fault that any of this happend. what do i do please help Link to post Share on other sites
MrsHellnoFire Posted December 29, 2007 Share Posted December 29, 2007 Are you by any chance dating "downthatslide"? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hummingbird04 Posted December 29, 2007 Author Share Posted December 29, 2007 lol no i read his though at fist i though it was my guy but no i haven't slept with 30 guys or taken pictures in fact my current boyfriend know i have only slept with 5 guys including him. and i have only told one of the guys i have ever dated i loved them. my guys has told like 3 of his ex's! loves not something i just go handing out and the first guy i told him that and like never said it but maybe every six months to my current i tell him everyday how much he means to me and that i love him Link to post Share on other sites
Chauncey Posted December 31, 2007 Share Posted December 31, 2007 My girlfriend did this early on in our relationship. It didn't bother me too much, considering it was few and in between most times, but every once in awhile she would start telling me stories that would make me a bit jealous, and obviously was nowhere near interested in sitting through. She spoke a lot about her last boyfriend, who I never met but knew of before we started dating. He was basically an inconsiderate prick who treated her horribly. I can't even tell you the messages he sent her after she broke it off with him. I basically couldn't take it one day she began to tell me about a story involving him, and told her that I would appreciate it if she would never mention his name again...that he doesn't deserve the honor. She had no idea how I felt, but was glad I said something. Since than I haven't heard anything about him. I would be a bit more considerate to your current boyfriend regarding this issue...try to catch yourself before you start babbling on. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted December 31, 2007 Share Posted December 31, 2007 hummingbird....did it ever occur to you that it may seem like you talk about your ex's too much?? And the more you talk about them the more it would seem to him that you still have a thing for them. Of course the subject of ex's will come up here and there...but, for example, when he brought up kickboxing...then you brought up an ex...was that really necessary?? Its not that you talk about your ex's, its that you probably talk about them TOO much. So to answer your question what do you do? Quit freakin' talking about your ex's. Really...why do you have to even bring them up at all? Link to post Share on other sites
The Real Truth Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 hummingbird....did it ever occur to you that it may seem like you talk about your ex's too much?? And the more you talk about them the more it would seem to him that you still have a thing for them. Of course the subject of ex's will come up here and there...but, for example, when he brought up kickboxing...then you brought up an ex...was that really necessary?? Its not that you talk about your ex's, its that you probably talk about them TOO much. So to answer your question what do you do? Quit freakin' talking about your ex's. Really...why do you have to even bring them up at all? Exactly, no wonder the guy thinks she's cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
dunstable Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Hummingbird, I think you should not mention your ex's unless absolutely necessary. However, he may talk about them to solicit your reasssurance that he is better than they. If that happens, then you must be very careful not to say anything that can be misinterpreted as derogatory. This kind of jealousy is mainly a problem of youth. It tends to diminish with age though not go away completely. I think the jealousy often comes out of a feeling of inadequacy. I've always felt a bit inadequate because I usually take a long time to climax. A girlfriend was telling me about how small her previous lover's penis was and she couldn't feel a thing. This was music to my ears. Then she mentions that he came very fast and she remarks "It may be small but it works". What I hear is that mine is large but doesn't work. Suddenly, I feel inadequate compared to him. The inadequacy is reinforced a few days later when she starts complaining that I'm making excessive demands, that she doesn't want to spend such a lot of time having sex. I want to feel that I am the best she ever had in every respect - it's unlikely that is the case but that's what I want to hear. That same girlfriend had jealousies of her own. I had somehow conveyed to her that I had found her a bit too passive sexually at the start of our relationship compared with my previous girlfriend. I told her that when we became accustomed to each other that sex with her was the best I ever had - but she still feels bad about the "passive" remark - I think she wants to feel not just that she is the best now but that she always was the best. Rationally, we all know that we can't be the "best everything" yet when we see a shortfall compared to an ex of our partner, it makes us feel awful. Link to post Share on other sites
ElvenPriestess Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Ok, so you made the mistake of talking about your ex b/fs, and he didn't like it. Once he expressed that you stopped. And now he throws it in your face. You both misunderstood your reasons for all of it, you thinking one thing and him thinking another. But the fact is you stopped talking about them. Him not letting it go is childish and unnecessary. The only thing you can do is reassure him that he's the only one you want to be with. If he can't accept that and move on, he has deep insecurities and needs to deal with them himself. Just think about it. You do something, he says stop, you stop. What's the good of badgering you with it? It makes you both miserable. You stopped doing it, now he needs to drop it. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Ok, so you made the mistake of talking about your ex b/fs, and he didn't like it. Once he expressed that you stopped. And now he throws it in your face. Maybe you missed it but she dismissed his feelings as "bitching". And she said the ONLY reason she stopped talking about them is because he "bitched" about it. So to hell with the way he feels...that is basically what she is saying. Then she ONLY starts telling him how wonderful he is AFTER he "bitched". Sounds like she really doesn't like him all that much. Link to post Share on other sites
ElvenPriestess Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 I guess I misunderstood. I should have read more closely. Not wanting to hear about the ex thing isn't bitching, it's a right that every one has. And most people don't like hearing about that because they are with YOU now. HB, did you stop talking about it because you didn't want to hear him complain, or do you truly understand his point of view? I don't talk about ex's, but I don't think about them much either. It's a simple respect you give to your SO. And dismissing his feelings isn't fair. You have to respect his feelings, understand his point of view. Then and only then will resolution come. There is an obvious break down in communication and understanding here. Thanks for clarifying bish, my bad. Link to post Share on other sites
cj1988 Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 My h is and was the same way, for some reason they feel threatened by it and you cannot change that no matter what you say or do....eventually it will make you crazy ! Link to post Share on other sites
Florida Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Okay let me break it down to you hummingbird: -Apologize to your BF, sincerely. -Tell him "I'm really sorry I brought up ex's, it was wrong of me, in the spirit of being forthcoming about everything, I did not realize how it made you feel and I PROMISE I will be more considerate going forward. Can you forgive me?" -I read another advice forum where a guy described how much it affected him when a girl spoke of her ex-I never did that after reading it. I wish I had that link, but he said it made him think of her being with other guys before him (as in very graphic images would come into his head just hearing a statement like "oh me and my ex used to blah blah blah) and then he lost all feelings for her. To the point of breaking up. -Do you understand? NO guy wants that-NONE. It's not just your boyfriend. -It's okay to speak of your life without mentioning the ex, you are a seperate entity, unless you really are hung up on them-just don't ever bring it up. Link to post Share on other sites
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