what do u do when u got dumped?

[shatteredsmeagol]

i just got dumped by my 4 year+ g/f on sunday night.

 

she said quite firmly that there's nothing i can do to get us back together. she cried and felt terrible too, but i guess its more the guilt that's torturing her. knowing that it'll do anyone no good, i didn't talk much with her and left.

 

i am feeling terrible. my emotion fluctuates so much i'm finding it very hard to cope. i cried, i drank, i smoked, i talked to friends, i couldn't sleep. and at the same time i've got so much work which i must finish but i feel like i can't and ready to collapse. i feel like i'm stuck and falling into an abyss.

 

i miss her so much. all the happy moments keep coming back to me uncontrollably. she treated me so well and loved me so much and now she's gone. i'm just so unbearable and have taken her for granted too much.

 

will appreciate any advice as to how to cope... i feel like my soul's gone.

[Tony T]

There are no real shortcuts to the grief process. Just stay busy, be good to yourself, do things for yourself, but don't rush into another relationship. Give yourself some time to enjoy being with YOU.

 

It's very difficult but it gets a lot better with time. One day soon you'll be pretty angry at your ex. That will be the final stage of the grieving process and then you will accept what happened. At that time, you will realize just how lucky you are. Why in heaven's name would you want somebody so fickle and unstable that she would be so good to you and suddenly tell you she didn't want a relationship anymore.

 

You're much better of with somebody who is emotionally stable.

 

Time and a good attitude are required ingredients to a healthy recovery from heartbreak.

[midori]

Hi,

 

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. That's very common after a breakup, but that doesn't make it any easier for you to bear right now.

 

Staying busy is the best thing to do in the short-term. Rally your friends around you. In another week or two you might try to get involved in some new activities that you've always been interested in but never pursued. Distraction is very useful.

 

Everything is subject to change in the course of a painful breakup, but you seem to have accepted that the breakup is for real and that nothing is going to change it. Have you really accepted that, at least for your girlfriend, it's the right thing to do?

 

If you have, that's great because it'll make your adjustment a lot easier. If you haven't, you'll need to sort things out for yourself. I've found a break-up much harder to bear if I didn't understand why it was happening, if I thought it was a mistake for both of us. So figuring that out will be important for you to put this behind you and move on with your life.

 

There will be ups and downs and lots of doubts and questions for you to wrestle with in the coming weeks. Dealing with them constructively -- that is to say, focusing on finding answers for yourself, rather than demonstrating to your ex that she was wrong to break up with you -- will shorten the duration of your intense pain. Keeping yourself busy will help prevent you from wallowing too much in unhappy "if-only's" and "what-if's"

 

Speaking from experience, I can say for sure that the best way to get over a relationship is to get yourself into a place where you accept its demise -- even if you don't think your ex's reasons were valid. The bottom line is that a relationship isn't good if one party wants out. Maybe her reasons for breaking up were stupid, maybe the root of her troubles lies elsewhere and she just decided to get rid of the relationship because that was easier to target. But if that's how her mind works, she's not a good person to be in a relationship with.

 

As hard as it may be, the best way to get over a significant relationship is to sever all ties. Not out of spite or to show her just how much she has lost. But because if you're to accept the reality of the break-up, you need to make sure you're not exposed to mixed messages from her. You don't need to see her crying, that's not going to make it easier for you to accept (quite the opposite). So I suggest you tie up any loose ends that need tying up with her (returning borrowed cd's, whatever) and then drop off her radar screen. Tell her that you don't want to keep in touch. Tell your friends that you don't want to socialize with her or hear about her. If you live in a relatively small town/city where you'd be prone to running into her, change your routines, find new hang-outs. Steer clear of her as if she were a debt collector and you were her broke debtor.

 

Given that her mind is made up, you're not going to get anything out of seeing her. The thing to do is focus on acceptance and moving on.

 

Good luck. I know how hard it is. But you'll get through it, slowly perhaps, but it'll happen.

[shatteredsmeagol]

tony, thanks so much for your advice

 

she said i made her laugh and not that many people can do that. we are so happy and so close to each other in our day to day life. but she said notwithstanding all that at the same time there're things with me which she can handle - like i'd be quiet with a black face when i was unhappy (even i'm not angry with her) and she said her feelings are still affected, and no matter what she did and after so many years she still doesn't know what i'm thinking, that its like we don't connect. and i was so angry with certain things she did in a few occasions (maybe a handful? i don't remember) (like i accused her of forgetting something when it was actually my fault) that i hurt her feelings. that why i could be so angry with her if i loved her.

 

but the fact is i have always loved her with all my heart and i've never treasured anyone so much. other than those unhappy occasions (which didn't happen very often) she's always my no.1 no matter what.

 

she is not perfect, but i know nobody's perfert and i can embrace her shortcomings but she can't accept mine. she's got her right and reasons but i really don't understand why she can forget about our happy moments which outnumbered the unhappy moments by so so much.

 

we are both 30+ and she thinks its not going to work so we should not go on like this anymore. i think she is worried about getting old and maybe i'm not the one. so she's going to end this so she could go search for her ideal one. do women get paranoid like this?

 

i feel very, very sad when i think about this. we've been through a very difficult path (she was still in another long term relationship when we first started seeing each other) maybe it then became a rebound relationship for her. but when things could only get better from this point onward she decided to walk away.

[shatteredsmeagol]

thanks so much midori

 

i think you are right, but its really difficult.

 

i think i'm going to write her a letter, and say all i want to say, how much i love her and care for her, and suggest how i'll try to change. if it doesn't change her mind, then i'll just have to give up.

 

she's the kind of person that she thinks through carefully before she acts. i don't think i can change her mind that easily. and i don't want to make her change her mind out of emotion either. that's why even though i want to see her touch her and talk to her so much, i have tried hard and haven't talked to her since monday. there were a few simple email exchanges but i didn't show any emotion or talked about getting back together. i sort of accepted that she will not come back, but deep down i am really wishing if only there is a slightest chance of getting back together cos i really, really love her.

[NEONINK]

Well, honesty is usually the best policy in regards to these things.

 

You can't make her love you back, so be willing to accept the outcome. I hope it works out for the best for you, however, you are old enough to know, when God shuts a window, he opens a door.

 

Yes, we women get paranoid about growing old without someone. But, I wouldn't be surprised if you men have the same fear.

 

You can come from love or fear. It probably took a lot for her to do what she's done. I wonder what prompted it? I'm sure you do too.

[shatteredsmeagol]

honestly i don't know what prompted this.

 

she said maybe it was last tuesday we met a couple friends who said she's pregnant - her second baby. the friend was like 33 or so. her first kid is like 2 years old.

 

she said it triggered her to think she's almost 31 and what has she done, what has she achieved. and she thinks about our relationship and thinks there probably isn't a future for us. she said maybe she thinks too much. i said i would do just anything, anything to get us back together, but she said there's nothing i could do. she said i already did a lot for her. i asked if its because she doesn't love me anymore and her reply was maybe she wasn't ready for me. i don't know what that means. she also said maybe she wasn't mature enough not mind the small things (which i think are all my shortcomings).

 

its also probably about lifestyle differences - she likes going to dinner parties, formal parties, meeting new people, going out and having a good time. but i'm not exactly a social king type of guy. i don't mind her going out at all but i think she wants company, she wants me to participate and enjoy those events with her. maybe she thinks 1. she has to take care of me in such occasions, 2. i probably won't enjoy them. and she's so accommodating now i know that there is an annual ball which she wants to go very much but didn't mention a word to me about it, cos she probably thinks i won't like it. but deep down inside she probably feel frustrated that she can't be doing what she likes to do and enjoy with her partner. i think her love for me got worn out day by day by such frustrations. and she doesn't think i could change, and even if i could change myself, i won't feel happy and she doesn't want it.

 

not knowing all these i was still thinking of marrying her, dreaming about a beach wedding, having a kid in a couple of years time, having a dog, and grow old together trying out new and exciting things all the time. then boom - all became my wishful thinking.

 

its probably all because i took her for granted and wasn't aware of that. if only i had made more effort. she's suffered for too long and i deserve the consequence of losing her. such much regrets. she's such a great girl. all resourceful and cheerful happy go merry type of girl. she made a very brave, and probably right, choice. and that's why i'm having such a hard, hard time. she is always right. i just wish i were a better man to deserve her.

[NEONINK]

If she was all these wonderful things:

 

1) why didn't you ask her to marry you after a couple of years?

 

2) why didn't you accompany her to parties?

Even though it isn't your cup of tea, your g/f shouldn't have to be alone all the time at functions, otherwise, she could have been single. Learning to socialize is fun. I'm a homebody also, and if it was every weekend, I would freak out, but once in a while, get out of the rut and do it. If ever given the chance again...

Social shyness sucks, and it can be overcome.

[shatteredsmeagol]

1. i was stupid. but she also just got divorced not long before and probably wasn't ready.

 

2. i did. once i even did something i could never imagine myself to have done - i helped organised a "school party" for her 30th birthday party. i dressed like a school boy and wore an afro wig. i had a great time too. that's why i said i thought things could only get better. but maybe i didn't appear particularly thrilled sometimes esp when its 3-4 in the morning and we're still partying. she likes clubbing and she'd go out sometimes once or twice a week (which i don't mind at all). but she probably thought she's putting pressure on me.

 

i agree. you are absolutely right, social shyness really sucks and i hate it. i've already come a long way since i met her. and i expected myself to overcome even faster as i grow older and more mature. but then she couldn't wait any more.

 

she's too thoughtful and always care about my feelings. then in turn maybe sometimes she internalised her feelings and made her too unhappy.

[devinmusicman]

Hey,

 

I just read your story and it seems quite similar to mine. I am a college student and I had not been in my relationship as long as you, but the situation and emotions you described remind me of my breakup which was also quite recent (9 days now). For a reson she couldn't explain, her love for me faded and left us in an unbalanced relationship that, despite my pleading and reasoning, she ended. The last 9 days I have found myself randomly on the floor crying, not eating or sleeping like I should, etc. There's no doubt that these are tough times.

You mentioned however that you are social shy. This is absolutly the best time to overcome that. I am NOT saying that you search for a rebound relationship, this is probably the worst move you could make. I am saying that you should be with your friends doing things that you love to do. I find that while and after I am with my friends, I feel better. It has yet to let me down. I'm sure you've heard it before, but laughter is the best medicine. You mentioned that you have been talking to your friends about it, and by all means continue to do so when you feel the need. But I find that talking about other things (high school memories, etc.) helps me clear my mind just as well.

Millions of people have pulled though this before, man, and we will too.

[shatteredsmeagol]

thanks and i hope this will be all over soon.

 

i'll try to improve myself all aspects and just wish she'll fall in love me again.

[Cpunch75]

you know i've been reading all of what you guys have been talking about, getting over a long term relationship and I can remember getting over my 3 1/2 year relationship and how devastated I felt.

 

I just want to say that Neonik and others are right in saying to occupy yourself with other activities and to get back out on the social scene and to renew yourself.

 

You will look stronger even though you dont feel stronger by going out and meeting people, and if she, your ex should find out that youre partying, she will be impressed that you are taking this time to go out and tackle your social shyness and who knows maybe she will talk to you again. Sitting at home is the WORST thing you can do and is dangerous to your mental health!! I realized that the best thing I'm doing in dealing with my break up is getting perspectives with other people about it, how they go about it, what they think etc

cpunch

[Rob]

Go to the movies with some friends. That always helped me. At first, little things might remind you of her, but those will pass in time.

[shatteredsmeagol]

thanks for all your support.

 

have been trying to keep myself busy... and tried to hang out with friends when i didn't really want to hang out cos i don't want to go crazy at home myself.

 

its been a very difficult week, but i guess i'm feeling better now.

 

i thought i was going to send her a letter. I did write a letter, but i didn't send it to her. i don't know why. maybe i just thought since i'm so convinced that its not gonna change anything, maybe i'll just give both of us some more time. and although its just one week since we broke up, somehow i feel things have changed so much that it won't be like what it used to be any more.

 

and everyday i keep telling myself, time will heal all wounds...

[NEONINK]

Perhaps you could be honest in a letter. Assuming she didn't leave FOR someone else, sometimes clearing the air will help. If she really is as great as you say, it could be worth a try.

 

Although, it's only a chance.

 

The only reason I say this is, you sounded like perhaps you drug your feet on marrying the girl, when maybe you could have been a little more assertive. I just don't want you to think, maybe if you had written or talked to her.

 

Assertiveness is not aggression. It's a healthy way to think about overcoming shyness. In fact, a couple of years ago I bought Assertiveness for Dummies... It was pretty good.

[shatteredsmeagol]

the problem is she has become very defensive.

 

we didn't talk about getting back together at all since the sunday before (8/6). we sent emails some times and yesterday its the only time i ever mentioned something like there's a lot i wanted to talk to you about but i know the time is not right. that's really about it. to my surprise her reply was rather cold, like she's very sorry for causing the pain but she must do what she thinks is right for her and sorry that what is right for her now is not right for me. maybe she didn't want to send me a wrong message so its even colder than it needed to be.

[NEONINK]

Be positive. When you made the statement, 'we need to talk, but I know now isn't the right time', says to me...

 

"I would like to talk to you, but I'm pretty sure I'm not going to like what I'm going to hear, and so I'm not ready to hear it yet."

 

At this point, no one knows what her intentions are, except her.

 

When you are ready to talk to her about it, you'll know. Just be real and positive are my only thoughts now.

[shatteredsmeagol]

hi there

 

just to give you an update

 

its been almost 7 weeks since it all happened

 

i still think about her everyday, but i don't really miss her in the same way any more

 

having had time to reflect on our relationship and what had happened, it seems like, like someone said in some other posts, what i missed (and still miss) was probably our relationship, what we did, our experience together, the happy times.

 

but she probably isn't the same person and our relationship will never be the same again. i just have to face the reality and tell myself she's gone for good.

 

its been difficult, but things are getting much better. i've been gradually adjusting to life with her. there are certainly times when i'd miss her more (mostly when i'm feeling lonely), but it isn't as bad as it was.

 

taking some of your advice, hanging out with friends and doing exercise certainly help a lot... take your mind off going through the same things over and over again.

 

as for pursuing other relationships, i don't know, i'm probably not ready. she told me by email she's started dating (dinner dates, drinks etc) already last week. i don't know why she'd want to tell me that, but i don't think i'm ready for another relationship yet. and there's this tiny bit of anxiety inside me, whether i'd ever meet the one when i felt she was so "right" for me already and we ended up like this.

 

just thought i'd share my experience with those of you who's feeling like its the end of the world. (so that i'd feel better - not like i just came here only as a shelter when i was feeling like dead and begone as soon as i'm on my feet again)

[NEONINK]

"she told me by email she's started dating (dinner dates, drinks etc) already last week"

 

I think for your state of mind, health and happiness, it would be much easier NOT TO HEAR those things.

 

Just assume she's moved on and tell her to quit contacting you!

Her loss! Your gain!