Author No Foolin Posted December 30, 2007 Author Share Posted December 30, 2007 In any relationship, regardless of time invested, you have one of two choices: Do something about it by setting up a strategy to get them back. Good luck with that.Make a conscious effort to move on by trying not to wonder what they're thinking about. Concise and perfect No Foolin Link to post Share on other sites
AriaIncognito Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 I don't believe this to be a gender specific thing. Generally, here's what happens. 1.) Someone, either one or both parties of a relationship, feel that it's just not working out the way they want. Due to this fact, they begin to consider the idea of there being somebody else 2.) The person starts to detach themselves from the relationship. 3.) The person is able to get over you while still with you. 4.) You're left crying because OMG you had no idea it was coming and he/she was so perfect and you were meant for eachother I don't believe that good bye is not part of either genders vocabulary. The reason some people are able to walk away and not look back, is because they have already dealt with the feelings about the relationship and already made the conscious decision that they wanted something else. It has nothing to do with you. They want what they want. It doesn't mean you failed and doesn't mean you aren't worthy of love, etc. Walking away and cutting all ties, is pretty much the best method for moving forward in your life. The guy that said he immediately deleted his ex's number had it right. Why tempt yourself? This person just said "eh, I want someone else". Why would you want that for yourself? You want someone that wants you. Only you. No doubts. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 The main reason to leave a relationship is because it is making you unhappy, or not meeting some important needs of yours. If it was not the other person's fault (e.g. if they want kids and you don't, so you leave), then probably you can stay friends as long as she doesn't freak about it. But if it was for negative reasons that were her fault, for example she is a drama queen or won't have sex or can't be trusted, then why on earth would you want to keep in touch? Usually when someone dumps someone else, it's because they no longer like them, or at least don't like being in a relationship with them. It's absurd to complain that the person leaving no longer wants to stay in touch - the whole reason he or she left is because being in touch is causing a lot of problems. To get rid of those problems you have to get rid of your association with the person causing them. Link to post Share on other sites
mrei Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 I hope nobody else said this already... my ex considered the length of our relationship. I always thought that was a crappy reason to stay together, after reading your original post, should I be somewhat happy that he at least took that into consideration instead of just cutting me out? Link to post Share on other sites
kirikat Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 Unpopular as it may be, in generaliized speak, women are more emotional. I wish more women would learn to control those emotions because they're just as capable of doing it, as men. And some of us wish men would learn to have access to a broader spectrum of their god-given emotional range. There is more to life than the three note emotional life most men seem to be conditioned for. I am sure you are just as capable of learning emotional expression over a broad range beyond lust, anger and rage - and we are sure you can learn it if you try. Sorry for the snotty tone of this, but the assumption that men handle things better than we "emotional" women because you have "control" over your emotions is ridiculous, esp considering the level of rage and sex crimes committed by this so called emotionally controlled gender. Murder, rape, stalking, and crimes of passion are still, for the most part, in the male domain. Link to post Share on other sites
lbj123 Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 I really enjoyed reading this post just now...and I do think that there is truth in the fact that men are generally more detached and tend to move on quicker, rather than dwelling and over analyzing. I have been wasting time over the past several weeks trying to dissect every moment, every action, every word...and for what? It's so silly and it hasnt given me anymore clarity. Thanks everyone...this post just gave me the kick in the butt I needed! Link to post Share on other sites
melusine71 Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 Seriously, my husband has ditched our children too. and they are both SMALL, under 5. He's paying for them but isn't that, someday, going to really come back to bite him in the ass? I think it will most certainly hurt them though I am doing everything possible to minimize the damage. And I think part of the reason he gets so evil when he's around is because he does miss them so much and blames me for being separated from them. What do you think about that NF? I have a LOT of respect for your man-ly advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Jackieboy Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 Good to have you on line No Foolin, wise words as always. You are right about when men up and leave a relationship. Yep, I do feel guilty because I don't like to hurt anyone but does that guilt extend to having to explain myself again and again? Uh uh, no way. Most people lie to their ex at break up time anyway, they do it because they want to avoid a scene, they are scared of a bad reaction or the truth (I simply don't fancy you any more) is too hard to say. Moral of the story is ignore what they say at break up time as you will have been lied to. As for the 'real' reason - who cares? Whats done is done and do not waste time over analysing it, its like a broken pencil, pointless! Concentrate on healing and moving on. That being said any man who walks on his children is low in my book. They are innocent parties in break ups and to hurt them is unforgivable and that suggests a selfish unpleasant person who you are probably better off without. Link to post Share on other sites
mistie03 Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 My ex bf is a commitment phobe. He has always done disappearing acts, then shows back up like nothing ever happened. That was always very painful for me, but it got OLD! I think I got over him while I was still in the relationship. He was very attentive and pursued me in the beginning, but it didn't last. From the little bits that he has told me about some of his former relationships, he has done the same thing to those girls too. They usually cheat on him or just move on with their life because like me--they got tired of it. After almost 8 years of hot and cold, I had enough. ETA: I have been NC for 3 weeks. It's working great for me. There was a time when I didn't ever think I could do this. But, I can! I feel good about it. Link to post Share on other sites
contempbioflo Posted February 11, 2008 Share Posted February 11, 2008 but ha, interestingly, in my experience, My ex did made the call dumping me, but I think in a nice way. Because I guess it was 50% of a mutual decision. And yeah, he just recently said "good bye" to me on an email. Because I told him how strange that is for me to deal with after the separation that he treats nice and being really good friend with me. I do not get his motive, and I told him how I feel. Then he said good bye. Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted February 11, 2008 Share Posted February 11, 2008 Women actually have bigger egos than men and even if they don't like a guy anymore if he truly has moved on without her it crushes that ego. They can't stand not having that power over him. I really, really, REALLY hate it when one gender hypothesizes about the other with such massive generalization. Why does this have to happen on here? I can quite honestly say that there have been breakups where I've been glad to hear he's moved on. I don't want him following me around anymore. I don't care who he's with. The last thing in the world i want, or have ever wanted, is "power" over anyone. Imagine! I feel this way EVEN THOUGH I have a vagina! Shocking!! Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted February 11, 2008 Share Posted February 11, 2008 My Vagina tells me to forget about it. I never understand why people dwell on the past so much. Move on, your time is limited. Sheesh sometimes I wonder how people can flush their own poopers down the toilet without wanting to cherish the memory of the BM and all the trappings that go with that too. Link to post Share on other sites
Nomad1 Posted February 11, 2008 Share Posted February 11, 2008 Usually when there are children involved and a house men do suffer the impact of the break-up. If the wife has you by the balls, you have to grin and bear it. You may accept her offer of friendship for the kids and your own sanity. If she has done something wrong to warrant the end of the relationship, she is the weakest link in the equation, but you have to put up with having to interact with her. When you go NC she will always find a reason to bug you, through emails, texts and voice mails. The more you ignore her the more abuse you get for being a disinterested father. In any breakup, there are power dynamics. There is an oppressor and an oppressed. Once the oppressed refuses to succumb to unnatural excesses of the oppressor, the relationship becomes more human. Nomad1 Link to post Share on other sites
KittenMoon Posted February 11, 2008 Share Posted February 11, 2008 Geez, this whole thread is stupid. You can't generalize anyone on anything. I could name a dozen reasons why a guy wouldn't want to talk to their ex post-breakup, irregardless of who broke up with who. Same things with girls. There's no formula, there's not even a vague set of rules to this damn game. Link to post Share on other sites
Haohmaru Posted February 11, 2008 Share Posted February 11, 2008 your moon is stupid! I'm one of those guys who takes a while to get over stuff, at least this last girl. Can't generalize me. It's like I'm proud to be in pain. I kind of wish I was more of an *******. Oh well, everbydoy pucker the ****er up and kiss it Link to post Share on other sites
contempbioflo Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 I think the good guys/ men out there would at least say good-bye. But listen. the voicetone of a good-bye is very important too. Is it a mean "goodbye"? or Is it a calm "good-bye"? but yeah, I would expect a**holes to say goodbye, because they are just plain playing in the field. But then, it is pointless to talk about a**hole here in the forum. I would still believe the good guys do take awhile to get over with things, because relationship is emotional-involved. If not, the person just is senseless. And this is pathetic. Link to post Share on other sites
carrotgirl Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 Imagine! I feel this way EVEN THOUGH I have a vagina! Shocking!! This reminds me of when I found out there was no Tooth Fairy. Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
Arch Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 This post is too generalized, not all men choose to just leave, but theres no doubt that theres a serious lack of commitment nowadays. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 And some of us wish men would learn to have access to a broader spectrum of their god-given emotional range. There is more to life than the three note emotional life most men seem to be conditioned for. I am sure you are just as capable of learning emotional expression over a broad range beyond lust, anger and rage - and we are sure you can learn it if you try. Sorry for the snotty tone of this, but the assumption that men handle things better than we "emotional" women because you have "control" over your emotions is ridiculous, esp considering the level of rage and sex crimes committed by this so called emotionally controlled gender. Murder, rape, stalking, and crimes of passion are still, for the most part, in the male domain. Hey kirikat, I'm a woman! Link to post Share on other sites
elizabeth22 Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 Im confused if what you say is true why does my x of 2 or so months contact me, come over, so sweet thing for me? He says he doesnt want to get back together but he most definatly doesnt cut me off...I am driving his car right now so I dont have to tale the bus tomorrow...Someone help me Link to post Share on other sites
Haohmaru Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 Do you still give him nookie? Guys'll keep a girl around for that. Until they get a new one. If you are, cut that off, then see if he stays. If not, I would guess the Leash Theory. Link to post Share on other sites
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