Trialbyfire Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 When you are a women that was in love with a man who left you then it matters alot to some. But for a man speaking for men then I guess it doesn't matter at all. I'm a woman speaking for anyone. It doesn't do anyone any good to wonder what an ex-partner is doing or thinking. It only slows down your own healing process. Link to post Share on other sites
Author No Foolin Posted December 30, 2007 Author Share Posted December 30, 2007 PinkRibbon: Whats the point of knowing why he left? He's gone, do you think a reason is going to help? This has obviously struck a nerve (which is what I do:cool:). If a thought is provoked then perfect. Agree or disagree the fact remains: reason or not when its dead and gone it is just that. No Foolin Link to post Share on other sites
Stockalone Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 So you're saying it doesn't hurt guys at all to leave relationships? No matter what they had, no matter how good it was, they just don't care, or feel bad, or ANYTHING? Not that I had many relationships but I guess being a very self-reliant and also introvert kind of person helped me get over those relationships (except for one) rather easily. Even though I take quite a while to warm up to people, I can go back to being single without much trouble. If I get dumped, I feel disappointed and hurt. That feeling doesn't last long though, because I don't mind being single at all and why bother wasting time thinking about a person that doesn't want to be with me anymore. Out of sight, out of mind. Sounds rather harsh but is a good way of coping for me. So, cutting her out of my life is the way to go for me. Needless to say I don't respond well to the "I hope we can stay friends" talk. Now, in order for a woman to get dumped by me, she has to do something that really pisses me off and goes against my core values. I don't regret dumping those women. alyyyhsa (did i just spell that right?), i wonder the same thing. i wonder if my ex just totally forgot i existed. i wonder if he has any good memories of me -- or any memories at all. In my case, those memories are still there but I try to not access them. That takes a concious effort at first but usually works for me. Link to post Share on other sites
alyyyhsa Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 well, this might be slightly off topic, but if a guy just up and leaves with little to no explanation for ending things, does he generally end up feeling remorseful afterwards for how he treated the girl? i mean, you make it sound like it's so easy to just end things and move on, NF. what about those times when the guy makes it even easier on himself by not even giving the girl the courtesy of verbally ending it and goes straight to non-communication (ie ignoring her, avoiding her calls, silent treatment, etc)? have you ever done that to a girl only to feel bad about it afterwards? or do you just do your business, hope she gets the picture, and move right along to the next gal? Link to post Share on other sites
tinke Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 excellent question... exactly my thoughts! Link to post Share on other sites
RichC Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 We were together about a year. There is no gain to be had in ruminated about the fact that the relationship is over. You can generally tell if a woman has checked out. I am not going to waste time and potentially slow my own healing by theorizing, what ifing, or anything else. Its not to say we don't regret the ending or feel pain. All you are doing is lengthening a painful part of healing and moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author No Foolin Posted December 30, 2007 Author Share Posted December 30, 2007 alyyyhsa: Have I ever just cut off contact with a girl without explanation? YEP (certain offenses deserve nothing less than devastating silence), now if you're refering to a long-term relationship the answer would be no. Moving on is not an easy thing. But contact with an ex when things are over makes it damn near impossible to heal. I may feel a certain way because of the loss, but she's not going to know it. No Foolin Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 A couple of years back, I was chatting with a close male friend about his breakup. He said something that's always stuck with me, due to its simplicity. "When it's over, it's over." For most men and some women, this appears to be the case. Realistically speaking, many women use breaking up as a form of control, in that it can range from a knee-jerk lashing out from a tantrum, to a full-blown last ditch effort to salvage some form of control. Most men are confrontation-adverse, therefore, they don't want to cause a confrontation until they feel they have no choice. The sad reality is that if they were to have addressed the small issues separately, had mini-confrontations, it might not have come to this form of finality. Of course there are men and women who don't fall into these two generalizations. Link to post Share on other sites
RichC Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 To tell the truth I myself am not confrontation adverse. I would rather get it in the open and deal with it. But when someone says nothing is wrong when you ask your not really left with much. It is what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 Most of the time the woman is the leaver and when a man leaves it is usually because he has a damn good reason to do so. Men don't usually up and leave unless he sees no advantages whatsoever to staying with her because most men will try and make it work if they see some hope. If a woman pushes me to that point I just want her out of my life as quick as possible. I go my way and she goes hers and that is the end of it. If it is dead let it die. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 We compartmentalize. That way the end of a relationship doesn't directly impact the rest of our life and we move on from there. It may not be the best and most considerate way of doing things but it seems to work for the vast majority of men. Wish it'd worked for me in the past! Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 Most of the time the woman is the leaver and when a man leaves it is usually because he has a damn good reason to do so. Men don't usually up and leave unless he sees no advantages whatsoever to staying with her because most men will try and make it work if they see some hope. If a woman pushes me to that point I just want her out of my life as quick as possible. I go my way and she goes hers and that is the end of it. If it is dead let it die. So, Woggle, are you inferring that most women simply leave on a whim without a "damn good reason to do so" in contrast to most men? Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 So, Woggle, are you inferring that most women simply leave on a whim without a "damn good reason to do so" in contrast to most men? Many women do. Not all but men do tend to have more concrete reasons other than I am not feeling it. If we leave most likely a woman has given us good reason to do so. Link to post Share on other sites
Blue Eyed Brain Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 In my experiences, the men never leave. I usually am the one who breaks up and moves on. Then, like a bolt of lightning, the man discovers that I am the best thing that's ever happened to him. He calls, he sends flowers, he follows...... he begs to get me back. So, my experiences have been the opposite of this thread. Not saying it doesn't happen, just that I've not experienced it or seen it myself. My guy friends take months or years to get over a long term relationship; so, I can prove this theory to be wrong on numerous ocassions. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 My guy friends take months or years to get over a long term relationship; so, I can prove this theory to be wrong on numerous ocassions. There are lots and lots of threads here by men in the Breaking Up and Coping sections who also take a very long time to get over their exes. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 In my experiences, the men never leave. I usually am the one who breaks up and moves on. Then, like a bolt of lightning, the man discovers that I am the best thing that's ever happened to him. He calls, he sends flowers, he follows...... he begs to get me back. So, my experiences have been the opposite of this thread. Not saying it doesn't happen, just that I've not experienced it or seen it myself. My guy friends take months or years to get over a long term relationship; so, I can prove this theory to be wrong on numerous ocassions. So can I but this isn't about you and I, with anaecdoetal examples. All you have to do is to look around LS and see that this happens to a lot of other women, who stress over what they're exes are doing and thinking. It's not helpful to condone wallowing. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 So can I but this isn't about you and I, with anaecdoetal examples. All you have to do is to look around LS and see that this happens to a lot of other women, who stress over what they're exes are doing and thinking. It's not helpful to condone wallowing. I think if a guy is the one to walk out, often he's already checked out of the relationship emotionally before he actually breaks up, so he moves on more easily. Applies to women, as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Blue Eyed Brain Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 I think if a guy is the one to walk out, often he's already checked out of the relationship emotionally before he actually breaks up, so he moves on more easily. Applies to women, as well. I think this statement is very true and applies to the dumper (whether man or woman) in each case. The dumper conditions themselves to living without the other person so that when the break up happens, it can feel like a releasement instead of dread.. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 I think if a guy is the one to walk out, often he's already checked out of the relationship emotionally before he actually breaks up, so he moves on more easily. Applies to women, as well. Agreed. Which is what I was attempting to illustrate in my conflict-adverse post. As for women, agreed, to an extent, as qualified by the same post. Unpopular as it may be, in generaliized speak, women are more emotional. I wish more women would learn to control those emotions because they're just as capable of doing it, as men. Link to post Share on other sites
Blue Eyed Brain Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 So can I but this isn't about you and I, with anaecdoetal examples. All you have to do is to look around LS and see that this happens to a lot of other women, who stress over what they're exes are doing and thinking. It's not helpful to condone wallowing. I love the way women think; however, I do believe that we over-analyze too much. Why did he do that? Why didn't he call? We should put more emphasis on what we want, instead of why he didn't do what we wanted him to do. If the guy doesn't turn us on, then we should move on instead of anlayze his moves and motives. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 I love the way women think; however, I do believe that we over-analyze too much. Why did he do that? Why didn't he call? We should put more emphasis on what we want, instead of why he didn't do what we wanted him to do. If the guy doesn't turn us on, then we should move on instead of anlayze his moves and motives. I'm not convinced it's a form of overanalyzing. Perhaps more of a wish or hope, that the ex is thinking about them. Realistically speaking, why bother wishing and hoping? It hurts no one but yourself. Shut it down and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 Women actually have bigger egos than men and even if they don't like a guy anymore if he truly has moved on without her it crushes that ego. They can't stand not having that power over him. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 Women actually have bigger egos than men and even if they don't like a guy anymore if he truly has moved on without her it crushes that ego. They can't stand not having that power over him. Hmm...a tad too cynical, even for me. I would classify it more as naive romanticism. Link to post Share on other sites
tinke Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 from my experience, there is a SIGNIFICANT difference in feeling the loss of someone one has shared many years with VS a short-term relationship. there is no comparison (to me) in a separation after a year VS 10, 15, 20 plus yrs. so, for some of us, it is a difficult task just to accept and re-invent; it is not at all about control! yes, i would agree, over is over, no matter how long the relation..however, it is definately a different healing process. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 In any relationship, regardless of time invested, you have one of two choices: Do something about it by setting up a strategy to get them back. Good luck with that.Make a conscious effort to move on by trying not to wonder what they're thinking about. Link to post Share on other sites
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