Will the affair haunt me forever?

[jwbseven]

My wife had an affair a year and a half ago when our marriage was on the rocks. Combine that with the awful things she said about our sex life together (things said before I found out about the affair) and I think our relationship will be damaged forever. The affair she had was more of an emotional one with a old boyfriend and what hurts the most is all the lying and deception going on in front of me. Deep down I knew something was up. Long story - and I can provide more detail if anyone replies - but we managed to reconcile.

 

She is head over heals in love with me again and we since have had another child together (#3). I thought I was over it but a year and a half later it eats me up worse than ever for some reason. I feel like I will always need to compete with the ghost of him in every way.

 

I just need comfort from anybody out there that has gone through this. I don't know if our marriage can ever be the same because I don't see forgetting about. I truly love her but sometimes I feel hate inside...

 

anyone?

 

PS. I was no saint in our relationship but I didn't deserve to deal with infidelity (or did I...?)

[OWoman]

My wife had an affair a year and a half ago when our marriage was on the rocks. Combine that with the awful things she said about our sex life together (things said before I found out about the affair) and I think our relationship will be damaged forever. The affair she had was more of an emotional one with a old boyfriend and what hurts the most is all the lying and deception going on in front of me. Deep down I knew something was up. Long story - and I can provide more detail if anyone replies - but we managed to reconcile.

 

She is head over heals in love with me again and we since have had another child together (#3). I thought I was over it but a year and a half later it eats me up worse than ever for some reason. I feel like I will always need to compete with the ghost of him in every way.

 

I just need comfort from anybody out there that has gone through this. I don't know if our marriage can ever be the same because I don't see forgetting about. I truly love her but sometimes I feel hate inside...

 

anyone?

 

PS. I was no saint in our relationship but I didn't deserve to deal with infidelity (or did I...?)

 

jwb7 - have you and your W had MC?

[StillSame]

My wife had an affair a year and a half ago when our marriage was on the rocks. Deep down I knew something was up. The affair she had was more of an emotional one with a old boyfriend

PS. I was no saint in our relationship but I didn't deserve to deal with infidelity (or did I...?)

 

 

Are you suspecting that more than emotional was going on and that they actually had sex? Is that what's bothering you?

 

If it was indeed just emotional affair and you're sure about it, why don't you just look at it that she confided in an old friend or a cousin and let it go.

 

Either way, talk to her. You cannot just keep it inside, it will explode someday.

[Dean Moriarty]

That really sucks. Counselling seems like the way to go. That and time.

 

This may not be what you want to hear, but I would have a DNA test run on your third child. She's already demonstrated a willingness to screw around outside marriage and you could very well be raising someone else's child. Hope that's not the case, but I'd probably want to know.

[silktricks]

First, best of luck to you. 1+ years sounds like forever to you, I'm sure, but just to let you know, the average for recovery after infidelity is 2years. So you may think that everything should be over and done with, it may not yet be for you.

 

It took me about 3 years - maybe a little more. I rarely think of it anymore. I'd say never, but when I get on this site, of course I do. Forgiveness is a choice - and really so is forgetting. Forgetting doesn't mean that you can't remember it, more it means that you choose to not bring it into your mind and dwell upon it.

 

The fact that your wife is "head over heels in love with you again" has got to make you feel wonderful. Hopefully you can someday honestly say that you are also "head over heels in love with her again".

 

If you can, look on what she did as a bad illness that she got over. Unfortunately, it was contagious and you got sick too, but with care you can recover as well. You have three children to love. It sounds trite, but someday you really will look back on this as just a bad memory.

 

Good luck.

[jj2007]

I just need comfort from anybody out there that has gone through this. I don't know if our marriage can ever be the same because I don't see forgetting about. I truly love her but sometimes I feel hate inside...

 

anyone?

 

PS. I was no saint in our relationship but I didn't deserve to deal with infidelity (or did I...?)

 

I know what you mean. I am almost 10 months since D-day and I have good days and bad days. I have forgiven but I will NEVER forget. I know what you are talking about with the hate too....

 

I do want to tell you that I am not perfect and I'm sure not any saint but NO ONE deserves to be cheated on.

 

It is up to you to decide what you can handle.

 

Good luck and many hugs!

[Ronni_W]

My wife had an affair ... I thought I was over it but a year and a half later it eats me up worse than ever for some reason. I feel like I will always need to compete with the ghost of him in every way.

Because you mention "competing with his ghost", I actually would suggest individual counseling first. Then if there is still something within your thought patterns that you honestly and truly believe your wife can help you overcome, ask her to attend couples' counseling.

 

Individual therapy is better-geared towards re-discovering your worth as a man and husband, learning to accept (live with) her prior lying and deception, improving self-confidence and self-esteem, etc.

 

Is there ONE single thing that "eats you up" worse than anything else?

[JustBreathe]

I will be honest with you. I do believe that an affair scars the marriage forever. However, it gets easier to live with it over time. Instead of consuming you and making you miserable, it sort of recedes into a corner of your heart but still surfaces sometimes, less frequently over time.

 

Another thing I believe: Cheating spouses do not tell all of the truth in most cases either because they can't remember or don't want to or fear further damage to their marriage, and the betrayed spouse can feel that, knows it somewhere inside their heart and it is this knowledge that makes it so hard for them to put it behind them. Maybe that's been just my own experience and it isn't true for everyone.

 

I agree with the previous poster... talk it out with her no matter how uncomfortable it is for you both. Get it out. Deal with it. We never did until it was too late for me to care anymore and that was a big mistake.

[cj1988]

I do not exactly how you feel, been over a year since D DAy and it haunts me everyday and my H has not changed, but has become worse. He has never admitted to the EA and or PA, but I know something was there.

 

So, I wish it could say it gets easier, but it does not especially when they complain about your sex life, mine did that too BEFORE all of it. So, all I can say is you have to get past it or get out, I am leaving my marriage now because I cannot deal with him and all of it.

[LakesideDream]

You are in a terrible situation. Recovering from the knowledge that your wife was willingly penetrated physically and emotionally may never fade.

 

Personally I agreed to dissolve the 25 marriage immediately. I knew that I would never be able to "forgive" what had happened, it's been 7 years and I was correct. It's not in my make up to submit to being in that position, and make no mistake, a spouse going back to their cheating SO is submitting.

 

How exactly does a man kiss his wife with passion knowing that her mouth has been around another mans penis while they were "married"? Of course the same analogy goes for women as well.

 

Am I bitter, hell yes. My ex stole a third of my life and wasted it. Being bitter does not mean hurt though, that faded in a suprisingly short time. As they say... "A scorpion is a scorpion, and a slut is a slut".

[Planofool]

JustBreathe

I will be honest with you. I do believe that an affair scars the marriage forever. However, it gets easier to live with it over time. Instead of consuming you and making you miserable, it sort of recedes into a corner of your heart but still surfaces sometimes, less frequently over time.

 

Another thing I believe: Cheating spouses do not tell all of the truth in most cases either because they can't remember or don't want to or fear further damage to their marriage, and the betrayed spouse can feel that, knows it somewhere inside their heart and it is this knowledge that makes it so hard for them to put it behind them. Maybe that's been just my own experience and it isn't true for everyone.

 

I agree with the previous poster... talk it out with her no matter how uncomfortable it is for you both. Get it out. Deal with it. We never did until it was too late for me to care anymore and that was a big mistake.

 

It's been 6 months for me, is it too late to bring things up and question? I don't want to start a fight but I still have questions that I don't think I got true answers to. Or should I just let it lie and hope time will help me forget?

[Dazed1]

hiya Seven;

 

We all wondered if we could get past it and live thru it. Ya know what, it's an entirely individual thing.

 

I can show you examples of just about every conceivable outcome. Not knowing what kind of man you are, and what kind of woman you married makes it difficult to say how it is going to work out for you.

 

Some people just know they can't get past it and blow out the whole thing immediately, others (like me) think they are strong enough or smart enough to work thru it and later find that they can't do it. Lastly there are those like my buddy Owl who does manage to get it out and solved and go on to be happy with a former wayward spouse.

 

Here's the thing, it will haunt you for as long as you allow it to be a focus in your thoughts. I recall whenever I thought things were going well w/ my wife, i would start thinking "yeah but..." So our eventual failure had as much to do with my unwillingness to let go of the "victim mentality" as her having an affair.

 

So we're back to you and your wife. Are you the type of people who can live for today and look ahead, or does the past continue to play on your thoughts of the future? No shame in examining the past as is it often said it is the best indicator of future behavior.... just try not to live there.

 

-Dazed

[JustBreathe]

Plano: I don't think 6 months is too late at all. I am talking YEARS of not dealing with it in my case, or rather, my wanting to talk and his running away from it, more mind games on his part.

 

If she is willing to talk about it, by all means, bring it up and put it all out there. Yes, it will hurt like hell, but it has to be worked through or it grows silently like a cancer. I don't think waiting for it all to go away works at all. It just breeds resentment, IMO. It doesn't just go away.

 

Edited to add: Yes, you will start a fight but if you don't at least try for a time to get her to see that you need to get your feelings out there, then the end result is where I am. I gave up and my love for him died.

Edited January 4, 2008 by JustBreathe

[Wibble]

I found out about my wife's affair over 2 years ago, and I can honestly say that not a single day goes by when I don't think about it. I guage my "progress" by how I respond to those thoughts. First it was utter devastation; pure, unadulterated emotional agony. I cried and cried and cried. I naively hoped that getting throught the "7 stages of grieving" as quickly as possible would make the pain go away. I kidded myself that I was now past the denial stage and into the anger stage, then that I had accepted the reality of my wife's affair and was ready to re-build our marriage.

 

I was only kidding myself. There is no "fast forward" button you can press. It has taken 2 years (and absolutely NO MC, incidentally) and I now recognise how slowly I have gone throught the recovery process. There are some days when I feel that I can almost sympathise with my wife, and feel her lack of self esteem because of what she has done. On those days the affair seems almost an irrelevance. On other days a serpent of white hot fury slithers through my guts when I think of the cold blooded lies and betrayal she put me through. The times I cried out for emotional support, only to be cold shouldered for someone else. Needless to say on those days it DOES seem as though the affair will live with me forever.

 

But as I raise my eyes from self-reflection to look at the wider world, I see that there is so much to keep trying for. We have managed to keep our wonderful family together, we are beginning to genuinely enjoy one anothers company, we have had a fantastic christmas. Things are definitely on the up, but that serpent is never too far away.

 

The biggest problem we have at the moment is trust. It is the easiest part of a relationship to lose and the hardest to regain. Understandably my wife is paranoid that I will do to her what she has done to me. For my part, I know that I am living with someone for whom no lie is beneath her, no act of betrayal beyond consideration.

 

It has taken over 2 years of mostly biting my tongue to get here. Add that to the time of the affair and it means that over 1/5th of our marriage has been dominated by her act of selfishness, over 10% of my entire life! That is a big price to pay to keep a relationship going. In my case I THINK it is worth it, but then I THOUGHT I was happily married before, so what do I know?

[Planofool]

I found out about my wife's affair over 2 years ago, and I can honestly say that not a single day goes by when I don't think about it.

No way I can go two yrs thinking about it.

 

 

It has taken over 2 years of mostly biting my tongue to get here. Add that to the time of the affair and it means that over 1/5th of our marriage has been dominated by her act of selfishness, over 10% of my entire life! That is a big price to pay to keep a relationship going. In my case I THINK it is worth it, but then I THOUGHT I was happily married before, so what do I know?

I am doing the same thing. Why are we biting our tongues? Why don't we talk about it when we want? My wife has spent our entire relationship of 26 yrs in contact off and on with the OM. So why do I bite my tongue and not bring it up when I want. What are we scared of? We didn't have the affair.

[american-woman]

You will never forget it but the hurt will lessen as time goes on. You can also learn and build a better marriage from it as long as you both know what caused the affair in the first place. And work on those needs. It is very hard work but it can be done and the outcome will be A WONDERFUL MARRIAGE. Much better than before. Buy books on how affairs start, emotional needs, how to improve your marriage. Also your wife should answer all questions about her affair honestly until then you will never be able to trust her. She should sweep nothing under the rug. Good Luck

Edited January 5, 2008 by american-woman

[Frances]

No way I can go two yrs thinking about it.

 

 

 

I am doing the same thing. Why are we biting our tongues? Why don't we talk about it when we want? My wife has spent our entire relationship of 26 yrs in contact off and on with the OM. So why do I bite my tongue and not bring it up when I want. What are we scared of? We didn't have the affair.

 

 

Why are we biting our tongues? It is really something I would like to be able to answer but I just can not. Is it the fight that would happen? would we have to make the decision to leave? Are we ready to leave the marriage? Are we afraid of confrontation? I put off really talking about it until two of our kids weddings where over and then other family matters arose and then I said I will wait until the new year. They have passed and I am still diddering. I did not have the EA for 11 years, you did not have the affair why are we the ones still suffering. I think they think we are over it and of course we will never be unless we can deal openly with them about it. Sorry I am just venting. I am tired of it all.

[silktricks]

JustBreathe

 

 

It's been 6 months for me, is it too late to bring things up and question? I don't want to start a fight but I still have questions that I don't think I got true answers to. Or should I just let it lie and hope time will help me forget?

 

It's never too late.

[silktricks]

I think they think we are over it and of course we will never be unless we can deal openly with them about it.

It's more than that they think we are over it. It's that they WANT it to be over with. They don't want to feel guilty, and for them to not feel guilty it has to be over for the BS. What they do NOT want to face is the fact that for it to be over, it has to first be openly and HONESTLY dealt with.

[Planofool]

It's more than that they think we are over it. It's that they WANT it to be over with. They don't want to feel guilty, and for them to not feel guilty it has to be over for the BS. What they do NOT want to face is the fact that for it to be over, it has to first be openly and HONESTLY dealt with.

In my case my wife cannot tell me what she was thinking every time she picked up the phone and called him, or every time she wrote him a letter in the past. So why would she want to put any thought into helping me get over it? She seems to be incapable of any type of thought process.

From what I have read on here there isn't much she can do.....time seems to be the answer of choice.

 

 

Why are we biting our tongues? It is really something I would like to be able to answer but I just can not. Is it the fight that would happen? would we have to make the decision to leave? Are we ready to leave the marriage? Are we afraid of confrontation? I put off really talking about it until two of our kids weddings where over and then other family matters arose and then I said I will wait until the new year. They have passed and I am still diddering. I did not have the EA for 11 years, you did not have the affair why are we the ones still suffering. I think they think we are over it and of course we will never be unless we can deal openly with them about it. Sorry I am just venting. I am tired of it all.

I'm not tired of it, I am obsessed with it. I just can't bring myself to talk about it. I guess I am afraid she would make me so mad I would want to get out. She has said I will be the next person she loves to be driven away from her. Maybe I want to prove her wrong.

[Frances]

I'm not tired of it, I am obsessed with it. I just can't bring myself to talk about it. I guess I am afraid she would make me so mad I would want to get out. She has said I will be the next person she loves to be driven away from her. Maybe I want to prove her wrong.

 

 

I too am obsessed with the whole thing. I am questioning why I do not want to get out of it altogether as I am not happy most of the time.

 

In a long term marriage you have so much history and most likely a lot of happy memories together and if there is any chance that the marriage can improve we want to give it a go. How long do you try to do this for is the big question. I feel you need some commitment from the spouse and the fact that they do not seem to be making an effort is what is killing.

 

I do not think the marriage can get back to what it was, it can survive but it will be different. Will time succeed in us recovering I hope so.

[Planofool]

 

 

 

I too am obsessed with the whole thing. I am questioning why I do not want to get out of it altogether as I am not happy most of the time.

 

In a long term marriage you have so much history and most likely a lot of happy memories together and if there is any chance that the marriage can improve we want to give it a go. How long do you try to do this for is the big question. I feel you need some commitment from the spouse and the fact that they do not seem to be making an effort is what is killing.

 

I do not think the marriage can get back to what it was, it can survive but it will be different. Will time succeed in us recovering I hope so.

 

I don't see how any relationship could get back to what it was.....but was it that good anyway? Something must have been wrong or people would not have been straying. In my case it's 26 yrs and three kids. My wife loves me but I am having a hard time not thinking I am letting her get away with something that could easily happen again.

[Frances]

I don't see how any relationship could get back to what it was.....but was it that good anyway? Something must have been wrong or people would not have been straying. In my case it's 26 yrs and three kids. My wife loves me but I am having a hard time not thinking I am letting her get away with something that could easily happen again.

 

 

 

 

people stray for all sorts of reasons. The daily grind gets boring and they live in a fantasy world at times. Your wife did not have sex with this quy is that correct? so she was in a fantasy world, she does sound a bit immature not that I think you have to be immature to go into a fantasy world.

 

I feel I am letting my h get away with it because I am not able to face up to the discussions we would need to have to tackle the ea.

 

As Dr Phil says do you want to be right or do you want to be happy.

 

To be honest I am just floating and hoping I will get the strenght to deal with this sometime. My kids are more important than his stupidity.

[Planofool]

 

 

 

people stray for all sorts of reasons. The daily grind gets boring and they live in a fantasy world at times. Your wife did not have sex with this quy is that correct? so she was in a fantasy world, she does sound a bit immature not that I think you have to be immature to go into a fantasy world.

 

I feel I am letting my h get away with it because I am not able to face up to the discussions we would need to have to tackle the ea.

 

As Dr Phil says do you want to be right or do you want to be happy.

 

To be honest I am just floating and hoping I will get the strenght to deal with this sometime. My kids are more important than his stupidity.

 

No sex. Immature...yes. The kids are it. I am kind of a go between with the kids. I am trying to teach them how to deal with their mom.

If I were a betting man I would bet my wife will get tired of walking the straight and narrow and will piss me off to the point somebody will have to go, or he will contact her when she is mad at me and it will be off to the races again.

[Frances]

No sex. Immature...yes. The kids are it. I am kind of a go between with the kids. I am trying to teach them how to deal with their mom.

If I were a betting man I would bet my wife will get tired of walking the straight and narrow and will piss me off to the point somebody will have to go, or he will contact her when she is mad at me and it will be off to the races again.

 

Do the kids have a hard time dealing with their Mom? So she is immature with them as well. She sounds as if she needs IC.

How old are the kids now? Not that the ages matter that much, mine are all adult some even married but it would still have a big effect on them if we split. Only thing is if they are adults it makes the finance part easier. If mine was only about finances I would be just able to pack up and leave or push him out.

 

At least with no sex involved it means that when you have sex you do not have any images in your head. I do not think I could cope with that. Of course if there had been sex I would not have a decision to make as he or I would be out of the home. That would be a real marriage breaker for me. Different stokes for different folks.