silktricks Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 I don't see how any relationship could get back to what it was.....but was it that good anyway? Something must have been wrong or people would not have been straying. I would not have been satisfied with the relationship being what it was before. My H was unhappy (obviously) but I was terribly unhappy as well. Our marriage is not what it was before, it is far far better. We are both much happier than we had probably ever been (and we've now been together for 29 years). 12 pre-marriage, 12 married pre-affair, 1 married - affair and separated, 4 post-affair. The first 2 post-affair were horrible. I was constantly obsessed and depressed, he was constantly depressed. The third was semi-rotten but the fourth has been great. Link to post Share on other sites
Planofool Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 The kids can deal with her, I just give them tips on how to get along with her after an argument. She needs counseling in the worst way but won't do it. Says she doesn't want to relive her past. Says too many bad memories. Silktricks, you guys are unbelieveable. Link to post Share on other sites
Frances Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 The kids can deal with her, I just give them tips on how to get along with her after an argument. She needs counseling in the worst way but won't do it. Says she doesn't want to relive her past. Says too many bad memories. Looks like you and I are between a rock and a hard place with our respective spouses. They have not got a clue what pain they have given us. If they did they would bend over backways trying to help us. The past is past it's the future we need to deal with. Do you ever just want to shake her until some sense comes out of her, its how I feel. How I have'nt banged him over the head I do not know. Maybe it's the fear I would go too far I expect. Link to post Share on other sites
Planofool Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 I wouldn't need to bang her over the head, all I have to do is leave. I spent one night away when we got into a fight over her A. She has since told me it tore her up. I agree the past is the past but in my case I was given a different story on the past. Also she has confessed to things I won't get into here about her past that may have made things different in our relationship. This affair and the things I have learned about my wife's past will haunt me forever, no doubt. I try to overlook things I had no control over before my time with her, but I think I should have been told the truth about them early on. She has turned out to be more like her Father than I would have ever guessed. I was so proud of her not being like him I guess I was blind to how much she is like him. Did that make sense? We have are good and bad days now and I don't take the sh*t from her like I used to. She had us fill out a questionaire on goals for 2008 last night. I put I wanted to work on our marriage and grow some gonads. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 My wife had an affair a year and a half ago when our marriage was on the rocks. Combine that with the awful things she said about our sex life together (things said before I found out about the affair) and I think our relationship will be damaged forever. The affair she had was more of an emotional one with a old boyfriend and what hurts the most is all the lying and deception going on in front of me. Deep down I knew something was up. Long story - and I can provide more detail if anyone replies - but we managed to reconcile. She is head over heals in love with me again and we since have had another child together (#3). I thought I was over it but a year and a half later it eats me up worse than ever for some reason. I feel like I will always need to compete with the ghost of him in every way. I just need comfort from anybody out there that has gone through this. I don't know if our marriage can ever be the same because I don't see forgetting about. I truly love her but sometimes I feel hate inside... anyone? PS. I was no saint in our relationship but I didn't deserve to deal with infidelity (or did I...?) I went through it too. No..nothing excuses the kind of betrayal she brought down on you. No, you will never be able to forget this. Cheaters sentence their SO's, if they decide to stay, to a life of the betrayal popping into their minds from time to time. You may get to a point where you simply don't think about it every single day...but when you do, you will look at her with disgust. I tried hard to forgive and make it work, mainly for the kids, but in the end...it got to the point where everytime I looked at her it pissed me off. So I divorced her. Can you get back to some normal place with your marriage? Maybe..I'm not saying it can't happen. But you WILL from time to time think about what she did and images will pop in your head and you WILL get angry about it. To me thats no way to live. I never recommend staying with a cheater...but I won't best someone who wants to try to make it work. I fully understand the need to do so. I feel for you man. Let me ask you, have any ground rules been established? I'm not talking about controlling her every move because you are not her daddy and that isn't good. But there are rules that she should abide by if she is to show remorse and a willingness to make it up to you. Question is, can she make it up to you? Really..can she? And if so, what would it take? Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 No way I can go two yrs thinking about it. I am doing the same thing. Why are we biting our tongues? Why don't we talk about it when we want? My wife has spent our entire relationship of 26 yrs in contact off and on with the OM. So why do I bite my tongue and not bring it up when I want. What are we scared of? We didn't have the affair. Exactly. The betrayed need to stand up and say, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take this sh#t any more!!!!" I bottled my anger up and boy did it come out one day. But seriously, the best way to communicate that you are angry at a cheater...is to dump them. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 It is very hard work but it can be done and the outcome will be A WONDERFUL MARRIAGE. Much better than before. I agree that the marriage can possibly survive, and it may be a good one. But I'll never believe that it will be better than before. Better for who? The betrayed? How can that be when the images of what the cheater did will always be there? Sorry, I don't think any marriage is better than before the cheating. But I'll play devil's advocate here...let say it can be...what kind of message is that? "If your marriage is on the rocks...cheat on your spouse and you will get what you want". Link to post Share on other sites
american-woman Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 One thing you gotta stop is love busting (I put I wanted to work on our marriage and grow some gonads.) When you do that you end up going back to square one.That isnt working on the marriage.That is breaking it down.I know its hard believe me been there done that. But if you really want to work on your marriage you have to stop the old habits. She as well too.Yes the affair will haunt you forever but it will get easier and at times you will forget it. Make new memories ones she wont forget.Your marriage can be better if you both work hard and if you really want it. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 One thing you gotta stop is love busting (I put I wanted to work on our marriage and grow some gonads.) When you do that you end up going back to square one.That isnt working on the marriage.That is breaking it down.I know its hard believe me been there done that. But if you really want to work on your marriage you have to stop the old habits. She as well too.Yes the affair will haunt you forever but it will get easier and at times you will forget it. Make new memories ones she wont forget.Your marriage can be better if you both work hard and if you really want it. I see that as a positive change! She may be upset and resist on the surface, but it will be an attractive and indearing trait in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
american-woman Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 True the images of the affair will always be there.But it does get easier.I still have nites when I can`t sleep because of it. I just tell my husband Im having a hard time and he promises things will be better and hes right. For 25 years I had been through everything with him.These last years I swear I have a different man in my life, he is more attentive to me, talks to me honestly. But you set boundaries with one another. You communicate. I will never forget what he has done to me but I can forgive. Sure I have anger still at times but I know its hurt.But that will pass in time. He knows the mistakes he did he knows the harm he has caused.He has to live with that. It can be done a better marriage Link to post Share on other sites
cj1988 Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 Seven, I am or had the same problem you are having. The EA made me feel second or I won my H back by default......meaning if he could have her he would rather be with her......that kills me and goes over and over in my head daily. That he chose someone else instead of me.....I cannot get over it and I have tried again and again to do so. One reason may be because he has not been honest about it at all, still claims his innocence to this day. Does not want to talk about it all and gets mad if I bring it up. As far as he is concerned, it was innocent nothing happened and I am crazy and need to give it rest and forget about it.....he thinks he has been honest, guess what my gut knows different. So that is a big issue.....the other is that some people can get passed some things better than others I am not built like that at all. Sometimes I even believe that he is telling me truth because he cannot get over when we were not married and seperated I slept with someone. He took that as cheating and is still haunted by that as well....so when I try to talk about his supposed EA, he just goes back to what I did and how he is totally innocent and how horrible I am....who knows ! I think that is his way of covering up what he has done and to make his self feel better.....I am not happy and that is ALL that matter to me now, my sanity ! Link to post Share on other sites
Planofool Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 Is it to late to set boundaries now. We don't discuss it. To bring it up now will surely start a fight. She will say that we were doing better and now you want to bring it up. The last time I brought it up she said she thought we were past it and maybe I can't get past it. The thing is, we are having some good times right now. But it is in my mind constantly. We have a 20 yr old son and my wife gives out dating and romance advise to his friends like she is a therapist. I just listen and think if they only knew. Who is she OJ Simpson? Does she not remember what she did? She can watch a show about somebody being unfaithful and not even bat an eye. When you talk about the images still being there.....my wife kept every letter the OM wrote her over the last 26 yrs. Lets say he sent one in Oct. 95. I look at a picture of my kids or family and it was taken in Oct 95, we all look so happy. My wife had gotten a letter that month from a man who has always professed his love to her. That kills that picture for me. What can she do to correct that for me? Link to post Share on other sites
cj1988 Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 I know what you mean and for some reason the EA was on my mind more when were getting along. I guess that is when I am most vulnerable and it pissed me off inside knowing he could do that to me and be nice to me NOW......I do not know.....I am too tired to care anymore ! Link to post Share on other sites
Planofool Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 I have read the entire thread over. I guess the answers depend on the person. If you are a chicken sh*t like me you will stay until she leaves or it gets totally unbearable. I don't see me getting out of it until my kids are grown and I have a 10 yr old. I guess that is just my weak ass makeup. Link to post Share on other sites
cj1988 Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 Plan, you are just like I was....you keep it all in and are afraid to talk to her about it....well, like me....one day you will nut up and you will not CARE what she thinks and you will let it all out.....trust me I can tell you....IT felt AWESOME! Such a relief that I did not care as much about it....he knew I was pissed and would not tolerate his BS anymore....he made the mistake not me, if I want to talk about it, the by GOD he better talk about it or I am GONE ! Link to post Share on other sites
american-woman Posted January 8, 2008 Share Posted January 8, 2008 You still can set boundaries. Let her know gently how you are still feeling. NO love busting. Let her know the letters upset you and you would feel better if they were thrown away. Tell her you cannot rebuild your marriage till she talks about everything you need to know. But no matter what she says do not love bust. I will post to you Joesheps letter so you can let her read it. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted January 8, 2008 Share Posted January 8, 2008 I have read the entire thread over. I guess the answers depend on the person. If you are a chicken sh*t like me you will stay until she leaves or it gets totally unbearable. I don't see me getting out of it until my kids are grown and I have a 10 yr old. I guess that is just my weak ass makeup. I was just like you man....I wanted to make it work mainly because of the kids. In the end, there was no way I was gonna stay with a cheater. Life is too short to stay with someone who pisses you off when you look at them because you see the cheater they are. Link to post Share on other sites
Planofool Posted January 8, 2008 Share Posted January 8, 2008 I was just like you man....I wanted to make it work mainly because of the kids. In the end, there was no way I was gonna stay with a cheater. Life is too short to stay with someone who pisses you off when you look at them because you see the cheater they are. I hope it doesn't come to that. Like I always say, marriage is like having a second job. I guess I will have to work harder to get past this. Link to post Share on other sites
american-woman Posted January 8, 2008 Share Posted January 8, 2008 (edited) Planofool yes you do have to work harder but that does`nt mean that you still cannot talk about that affair with your wife. she needs to know that it still hurts you and that you still need to talk about it. Until then your marriage really remains the same. Click this link print it out and show it to her maybe she`ll understand more how you feel www.network54.com/realm/healingheart/josephletter.html Edited January 8, 2008 by american-woman Link to post Share on other sites
Planofool Posted January 8, 2008 Share Posted January 8, 2008 I have tried the link but it doesn't work .Went to the websight just need some guidance on where the letter is Link to post Share on other sites
american-woman Posted January 8, 2008 Share Posted January 8, 2008 http://www.network54.com/Realm/HealingHeart/Josephletter.html......if this does`nt work email me you can edit it and sign your name then leave it for your wife to read. Link to post Share on other sites
Planofool Posted January 8, 2008 Share Posted January 8, 2008 Thank you so much for the letter. I am printing it as I write back. The analogy of the puzzle is great. Link to post Share on other sites
american-woman Posted January 8, 2008 Share Posted January 8, 2008 Great I hope she gets it and it works for you let me know Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I have read the entire thread over. I guess the answers depend on the person. If you are a chicken sh*t like me you will stay until she leaves or it gets totally unbearable. I don't see me getting out of it until my kids are grown and I have a 10 yr old. I guess that is just my weak ass makeup. Dude, you are in Dallas Texas, home of the most Beautiful women in the world.. Grab your pride and get out there.. Go to El Paso's over off Central and have a swirl Link to post Share on other sites
american-woman Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 Thank you so much for the letter. I am printing it as I write back. The analogy of the puzzle is great. Just checking in to see how you are doing Link to post Share on other sites
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