what do I do now?

[darren lewis]

I have broken off my engagement with my fiancee a few weeks ago. Her life when living alone turned to deep depression. Shee did not care about anything, bills, cleaning, order, others feelings, or what to listen to me when all I was tring to do was help. She cheating on me after 8 months of being together, and the trust, honesty, desire, and affection was just crushed after that. I was apart from her for about 9 months and then she showed up one day at my house. We started talking again, but I always keep my guard up against her from hurting me. As time went on I tried to regain the trust and respect for her, and I keep reverting back to the past time she cheated on me. How do I let this go. This is the hardest thing to do and it has had a dettremental affect on our releationship. I went ahead and proposed to her in July of 1999 and she then moved in with me into my house. My house has never seemed to her to be her house to. She being depressed and not wanting from within to help me and support the relationship has emotionally and phisycally drained me. I hate that it is this way but i don't know what else to do or give to make her happy. This pattern has repeated itself over and over again to where I have jsut about lost all hope of ever regaining the fire that once was there. It all goes back to the time that she cheated on me and the pain that she caused in my life. I told her she needs to move out and find herself and get a life. I feel all efforts are worthless and have gone wrong. She is so callous, it hurts so much to see something so great go so wrong. I seem to be involved in an unsolved mystery. I am responsible and give a damn about what happens, her attitude is really bad, and anthing I have tried to say or do make her resent me. Why is this?

 

Please help because I want to put the pieces back together?

 

Where to you suggest I start. Do I just give up, or move on, or keep trying to talk sense to her?

 

Thanks for your help

 

Darren

[Totally Confused]

Well, unfortunately you have no choice but to move on. You are in a different place in your life than she is. You are a responsible and maturing person, and she isn't or doesn't want to be yet. She showed that through her actions when she cheated on you the first 8 months of the relationship. If one wants to cheat or wants the freedom to be with other people, then one should not be in a serious or committed relationship. She obviously isn't ready or mature enough for one...that's her choice and you can't do anything to change it. You are not responsible for changing her and making her into something she doesn't want to be. Unfortunately, who she is, how she feels and acts, is not your choice...it's all her choice, and therefore you will never change her. If you nag her or try to get her to become more responsible and change her ways (become more responsible) she will get angry or annoyed with you and it will cause more problems. It's kind of like the kid who lived in a dirty room, knew he had to clean it and was mentally trying to prepare himself in to doing so. All of a sudden his mother yells up to him "Clean your room". That was enough to make him angry, so he rebelled and just didn't do it. He wanted to be able to do it when he was good and ready, not when his mother told him he'd better do it. He wanted to be in control of his life/room, not his mother.

 

I also think that you are not able to get past the cheating issue, because you don't feel she's genuinely sorry. Yes, she's sorry that she's cheated and she'll tell you that over and over with words, but it's her actions that haven't said I'm sorry once - in your mind's eye. You (in your mind - and I may be wrong) may be saying, if she were really sorry, she'd be trying harder to make this relationship work and she'd change her ways. Because she's not, you are having a hard time getting past it. There will always be a slight resentment towards what happened, but you are really trying to make an effort to get past it, which shows you are willing to let go of the past, as long as she's willing to work harder in the future. If she can't make those sacrifices, she's not for you, even though you may care about her a great deal. There are just too many wonderful girls out there who can give you what you want, need and are on the same page of life as you are. Life is too short to settle. That's not to say that one day, maybe the two of you can eventually work out, but I don't see it happening anytime soon, and you're just going to have to accept that, or you'll drive yourself crazy trying. If you can't fully love and accept everything about her and who she is at this very moment and there is so much about her that you wish you could change, then even though you love her, you're not as fully in love with her as you think you are. Judging from your posting you're saying, " I love her but...., everything would be perfect if she could only....we are so compatable in every way, but if only she'd stop....". You have to love and accept everything about a person (good and bad) because people don't change, unless they want to.

 

Now the first step is to take a step back. You have to look at what you really have with this person now and then look ahead 10 years from now. Then picture a future family with the person she is right now...not the person you want her to become. Then ask yourself, can I have this for the rest of my life. It's never easy to make decisions when your heart is involved, but unfortunately, if you don't, you'll go insane. The definition of insanity is putting yourself in the same situtation over and over again and expecting a different result. Well, I hope everything works out and you'll know what to do when the time comes. Good luck.