Do you let your parents know how much money you make?

[Leikela]

I think your parents are very disrespectful here... they do not respect her personal life by telling others how much she makes.

 

Unless they have a reason to ask.. i think they have no reason to.

 

Who are you to judge my parents? I'm not just anyone. I'm her sister. I don't tell my sister how much I make either but I know my parents tell her and I'm totally fine with that. It's one of those things that you just know and accept.

 

This thread isn't about my family anyway. Fact of the matter is they never ask me what I make. I voluntarily tell them.

 

You think parents asking is disrespectful. That's your OPINION.

[Trialbyfire]

And if they at least know a ballpark, they might - brace yourself, cutegirl - they might even be HAPPY for you and PROUD of your accomplishments!

Exactly.

 

For some people, they have a reason to hide their income for reasons beyond it being what they consider an invasion of privacy. For example curiousnycgirl's parents, are asking for ulterior motives. Most parents aren't asking because they want a piece of the action. I'm also guessing that some parents don't ask, not because they believe that you can take care of yourself and are being respectful, but more because they want to self-protect their own private income. If I don't ask you, you can't ask me.

 

Decide what you want to do cutegirl but try not to let this kind of interaction get to you so much. It isn't good for your own well-being.

[Leikela]

I just read your other post cutegirl. Why are you supporting your parents by paying them $2000 a month? How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? I can see helping out family when they need help but supporting them monthly like that? That just blows me away. Now I can see why you don't want to tell them how much you make. If my parents were trying to get more money out of me, I would keep my lips sealed as well. WOW!!

[Trialbyfire]

Good find Leikela. If this is a money-grab, then it's none of their business...

[norajane]

I just read your other post cutegirl. Why are you supporting your parents by paying them $2000 a month? How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? I can see helping out family when they need help but supporting them monthly like that? That just blows me away. Now I can see why you don't want to tell them how much you make. If my parents were trying to get more money out of me, I would keep my lips sealed as well. WOW!!

 

You're mixing up the girls! Cutegirl and curiousnycgirl are different girls...

[Leikela]

You're mixing up the girls! Cutegirl and curiousnycgirl are different girls...

 

 

Doh! Thanks for clarifying!

 

EDIT:

I read in another thread that cutegirl does pay her Mom's rent.

Edited December 30, 2007 by Leikela
correction

[Green]

wow Cnyc girl CUT THEM OFF forever... I cant believe you spent so much money on your parents just to pay their every day debts...

[cutegirl]

 

They are your parents.. and like it or not they will a big part of your life forever and since they gave YOU life and food and shelter and an upbringing they will always have a certain tie to you that no one else will have..

 

 

Why even let it bother you ?.. When they asked you if you were having sex did that insult you ?..

 

My parents don't ask me if I have sex. They didn't ask me when I was younger either, we never talked about such things.

 

True, they did give me life and food etc but not to sound like a smartass but I never asked to be born either. It would have been fine to me if I wasn't born either. I don't feel that life is a "gift" or whatever, it's not like I had a choice. I don't feel that I have to be grateful because I never ASKED to be born.

 

I also I lived with my mother growing up past the age of like 12. I am not sure if my dad even payed child support. I doubt it cause me and my mom lived in the U.S and my dad in Europe. Yes, he did spend weekends with me and took care of me when I was a kid/baby but after we moved to the U.S I don't know what he contributed to me after the age of 12, (besides $100 a year for Christmas), since I'm sure that is not sufficient to raise a child.

[cutegirl]

And if they at least know a ballpark, they might - brace yourself, cutegirl - they might even be HAPPY for you and PROUD of your accomplishments!

 

Dude, but if they guessed wrong, like too low then it would goad me into correcting them because I DO have an ego and it rubs my ego wrong if they guessed lower than what I really make. And if they guess too high then it's patronizing. The problem is that my dad didn't guess right! He guessed wrong, he guessed under and that hurts my ego because I make more. It's hard for me to control myself not to correct him, but I don't WANT to correct him cause if I do then he'll know how much I make!! And I'm trying to keep it to myself. So it's better for them if they don't guess and just leave it alone!

 

Get it? If they estimate it too low (NOT in the ballpark), then I'm irritated because they underestimated me, they don't think that I am successful as I really am! If they are joking and say I make millions a year (which I don't) then that's like mocking me. No matter what they guess it will irritate me.

 

How would you like it if you made XX and people guess your ballpark to be LOWER than that? It's going to be an instinct to correct them to let you know you are more successful than they thought!! It means they are underestimating me. The estimated my potential to be lower. They don't recognize how successful I am.

[cutegirl]

 

Until you keeping thinking it's because your parents think they can't manage on your own, then you'll continue to be annoyed. It could genuinely mean they care about you and want to know you're doing ok out there.

 

I do think it's they think I can't manage and also because I'm female. I always feel like people underestimate me because I'm a female. I feel like if I was a male I would command more authority and respect. I'm probably exaggerating cause I live in America, it's not like I live in a country where women have to be veiled or can't vote or whatever, but like I'm still being treated badly cause I'm female so people think that I cannot fend for myself.

[cutegirl]

I do not tell my parents how much I make because in their opinion my money is their money. They are completely irresponsible, give them a dime and they spend a dollar. I have had to bail them out on multiple occassions, to the point that there are numerous things I would have liked to have in my life, that I have not been able to afford because of their frivolousness.

 

I do pretty well but there is never enough money for them. My uncle subsidizes their lifestyle, as do I. I have no clue how much my uncle gives them (I'm failry certain it is more than I give), but I give them $2,000 a month and it's still not enough. I finally started giving them a monthly stipend because I was sick and tired of dealing with their emergencies - I figured this was I could budget for their subsidy - and they would have to figure out how to cover everything.

 

Needless to say this has not worked either. I have recently learned they owe over $27K to their house of worship (how embarrassing is that?!). However I have told them I am done, I cannot give them anymore.

 

They don't believe me and feel I should be giving more - to tell the truth I'm not sure how it became my responsibility to support them (they live in one of the best neighborhoods in NY, while I had to move to NJ because I couldn't afford to buy a house in NY) - but there you have it. My siblings do not share in this burden at all. In fact I also subsidize my sister because my parents were doing it and I felt that was absurd since it was just my money going from them to her. The mount my sister takes is far less than my folks, and in truth it bothers me far less than the money I give my parents.

 

Bottom line is that what you share with your parents is purely based on your relationship with them. If you have a close, loving, non judgemental, trusting relationship - then you may tell, if you don't have those things, you won't.

 

Having said that - getting angry about their asking serves no purpose. Just move on.

 

This is a terrible situation for you, but at least your parents think of you as capable and strong and that you can fend for yourself.

 

I don't know what's worse; parents who mooch from you or parents who MIGHT think that you can't take of yourself or that you are weaker because you are a woman.

 

Personally I wouldn't support my parents like that. I would cut them off completely if they were THAT demanding. No one can EXPECT me to pay anything. I give when IIIIII choose, no one else. It's my money so I would have the final say. I say just cut them off....

[norajane]

Again, those are YOUR neuroses. You can ask them never to mention your salary again, but YOU will still freak out about what YOU THINK they are thinking. The only thing you can control is your own response to either real or imagined slights - even if you could change their behavior, YOU will still be neurotic about it.

[cutegirl]

Again, those are YOUR neuroses. You can ask them never to mention your salary again, but YOU will still freak out about what YOU THINK they are thinking. The only thing you can control is your own response to either real or imagined slights - even if you could change their behavior, YOU will still be neurotic about it.

 

It's not my neuroses!! My dad admitted that my grandpa was more concerned because I was a female! He really said it! I think he might have been speaking for himself too! He said that that's how the old people think; that guys are more strong and could get any job working as a coolie or whatever. Those are HIS words, I didn't imagine it! And then he saw I started to get pissed so he said that it's not like that today anymore and that it's different but that's just how the old generation thinks! He really said that!!

 

Plus he guessed it too low, that's not my neuroses either... It was not accurate.

[norajane]

It's not my neuroses!! My dad admitted that my grandpa was more concerned because I was a female! He really said it! I think he might have been speaking for himself too! He said that that's how the old people think; that guys are more strong and could get any job working as a coolie or whatever. Those are HIS words, I didn't imagine it! And then he saw I started to get pissed so he said that it's not like that today anymore and that it's different but that's just how the old generation thinks! He really said that!!

 

Plus he guessed it too low, that's not my neuroses either... It was not accurate.

 

I say neurosis because you care so f*cking much and it's making you miserable! Other people don't give a damn if their 90 year old grandfather is more concerned for their welfare because they are female - they would think it's sweet that a man who probably has issues of his own has a spot in his heart warm enough to care about them. And other people also wouldn't give a damn if someone guess too low or too high about their income - it's a guess, who cares?

 

That this bothers you so very much that you are upset days and days after it happens IS a neurosis.

[cutegirl]

I say neurosis because you care so f*cking much and it's making you miserable! Other people don't give a damn if their 90 year old grandfather is more concerned for their welfare because they are female - they would think it's sweet that a man who probably has issues of his own has a spot in his heart warm enough to care about them. And other people also wouldn't give a damn if someone guess too low or too high about their income - it's a guess, who cares?

 

That this bothers you so very much that you are upset days and days after it happens IS a neurosis.

 

Well, it's been two days I think so it's not days and days.

 

I don't know, if people guess too low it offends me because people are thinking I make less than I do. It just bothers me because people are thinking I'm poorer than I am. I am NOT poor, but you know what I mean. I don't like people thinking I make less than I do because it makes me look bad, I look better the more people think I make.... haha It sounds superficial but you know what I mean.... I don't think it's that weird. I think most people would get annoyed if people thought they make less than what they do, it's normal to want to set the other party straight I think. But if you set them straight then you'll be telling them approx how much you make, so you can't win either way.

 

I especially like my family to know I can take care of myself because it makes me feel better.

 

It bugs me about the female thing because I'm a bit of a feminist. I don't hate men but I think I'm equal to a man and can do anything a man can, compete with men etc I am not intimidated of any man, I can earn as much as any man... And I like to prove it and make a point...I can do anything a man can.

Edited December 31, 2007 by cutegirl

[Trimmer]

This is a terrible situation for you, but at least your parents think of you as capable and strong and that you can fend for yourself.

cutegirl - how do you see yourself? Can you describe your level of success, comfort, confidence, and satisfaction with your life, without putting it in terms of how people see you from the outside?

 

It means they are underestimating me. The estimated my potential to be lower. They don't recognize how successful I am.

Again, I know I am repeating, but I see a common and very strong theme in many of your posts. While they are apparently about separate issues and events, they all seem to come back to your distress, irritation, aggravation - however you want to put it - at how you are perceived by those outside you. I think you lack a well-developed self image that has successfully separated from your childhood and your family in a healthy way.

 

In figuring out what is important in your life, you will find the most satisfaction if your priorities focus on things that you realistically have control over. If you can use as your foundation a healthy and well-developed internal image of yourself, you will find that you have some control over that.

 

However, if your primary focus - the foundation of your life goals, the mirror by which you see yourself and the yardstick by which you measure yourself - is the perception of you by the outside world, you will always be chasing something over which you do not have control. And you'll find yourself repeatedly aggravated, left feeling insulted, invalidated, patronized, etc. when it doesn't go your way. Sound familiar?

 

I don't like people thinking I make less than I do because it makes me look bad, I look better the more people think I make.... haha It sounds superficial but you know what I mean.... I don't think it's that weird.

Maybe not that unusual - perhaps more or less so depending on the community and peer group within which you circulate - but in my own experience, I do find it wierd. If my self-image depended so strongly on the capricious impressions of those around me, I would feel nervous, uncertain, unhinged, without an anchor, and like little more than a ghost image of other people's opinions, especially if much of that is based upon something as narrow as how much money I make.

 

I think most people would get annoyed if people thought they make less than what they do, it's normal to want to set the other party straight I think. But if you set them straight then you'll be telling them approx how much you make, so you can't win either way.

Well, I'm not "most people", anyway. You win by focusing on your own comfort and confidence with who you are, and as far as those around you, you interact with them as whole individuals, and hope that they do the same for you.

 

In my peer group - let's say, the nearest 20 - 40 people around me - I really have no idea how much many of them make, nor do I have much interest. Some of them don't even know (or understand) what it is I do, so they would have no way of knowing how much I make either, yet I find myself quite comfortable, embraced, and supported within my community. That's how I win, either way.

[cutegirl]

Trimmer, you're a guy though so you probably never get second guessed or doubted in your life so you probably don't realize what it's like to be a woman or to be doubted. People probably have high expectations of you and probably don't question you or doubt you. You can say that you don't care if you have a strong self image but you probably don't ever get questioned or second-guessed to begin with so you don't know what it feels like.

[cutegirl]

cutegirl - how do you see yourself? Can you describe your level of success, comfort, confidence, and satisfaction with your life, without putting it in terms of how people see you from the outside?

 

 

Again, I know I am repeating, but I see a common and very strong theme in many of your posts. While they are apparently about separate issues and events, they all seem to come back to your distress, irritation, aggravation - however you want to put it - at how you are perceived by those outside you. I think you lack a well-developed self image that has successfully separated from your childhood and your family in a healthy way.

 

In figuring out what is important in your life, you will find the most satisfaction if your priorities focus on things that you realistically have control over. If you can use as your foundation a healthy and well-developed internal image of yourself, you will find that you have some control over that.

 

However, if your primary focus - the foundation of your life goals, the mirror by which you see yourself and the yardstick by which you measure yourself - is the perception of you by the outside world, you will always be chasing something over which you do not have control. And you'll find yourself repeatedly aggravated, left feeling insulted, invalidated, patronized, etc. when it doesn't go your way. Sound familiar?

 

 

Maybe not that unusual - perhaps more or less so depending on the community and peer group within which you circulate - but in my own experience, I do find it wierd. If my self-image depended so strongly on the capricious impressions of those around me, I would feel nervous, uncertain, unhinged, without an anchor, and like little more than a ghost image of other people's opinions, especially if much of that is based upon something as narrow as how much money I make.

 

 

Well, I'm not "most people", anyway. You win by focusing on your own comfort and confidence with who you are, and as far as those around you, you interact with them as whole individuals, and hope that they do the same for you.

 

In my peer group - let's say, the nearest 20 - 40 people around me - I really have no idea how much many of them make, nor do I have much interest. Some of them don't even know (or understand) what it is I do, so they would have no way of knowing how much I make either, yet I find myself quite comfortable, embraced, and supported within my community. That's how I win, either way.

 

To be honest, to answer your question about how I feel about myself, I'm very image obsessed. Not just materialistically but physically too etc Yes, I already know about "being happy with yourself" and it "doesn't matter what others think" etc but I have to admit I do care. I can't help it. I don't know why. I'm competitive I guess.

 

Well, I guess my image is dependent on how others people perceive. If others think I'm pretty or look good or if someone compliments my clothes etc it makes me feel good, or if they compliment me on money or whatevers... I'll admit that approval matters to me a lot, probably more than it should.

 

Family is different though, because with family you change from a child to an adult and when you are an adult you want to be recognized as one or as an equal. I don't like people being overprotective of me, it really bugs me. People being overly concerned etc makes me feel like that way too.

[Trimmer]

Trimmer, you're a guy though so you probably never get second guessed or doubted in your life so you probably don't realize what it's like to be a woman or to be doubted. People probably have high expectations of you and probably don't question you or doubt you. You can say that you don't care if you have a strong self image but you probably don't ever get questioned or second-guessed to begin with so you don't know what it feels like.

It's not accurate that I've never been second guessed or doubted, and you don't know what burdens I have carried or obstacles I have overcome to get to where I am. However I will grant without argument that I don't know what it's like to be a woman. And perhaps I was particularly lucky, irrespective of my gender, to have grown up in a family in which all us children (male and female) were generally encouraged to succeed, were helped and guided towards healthy self-images, and ultimately achieved fairly healthy separations from the family and independent lives.

 

However, none of this mitigates the points I have made, nor do the burdens of "being a woman" and/or "being second-guessed or doubted" mean that you are prevented from achieving a stronger, healthier sense of yourself and of your independence.

 

If I accepted that you couldn't do better, that you couldn't find your way to a more confident and comfortable place in life, wouldn't I then be guilty of patronizing you? Like: "there, there, you're just a girl, so you can't help it...."

 

For as much as I needle and cajole and push you about your issues, I think you have demonstrated that you have strength and an ability to set a goal and strive to achieve it.

 

Heck, in some ways, it sounds like I may believe in you more than you believe in yourself...

[cutegirl]

It's not accurate that I've never been second guessed or doubted, and you don't know what burdens I have carried or obstacles I have overcome to get to where I am. However I will grant without argument that I don't know what it's like to be a woman. And perhaps I was particularly lucky, irrespective of my gender, to have grown up in a family in which all us children (male and female) were generally encouraged to succeed, were helped and guided towards healthy self-images, and ultimately achieved fairly healthy separations from the family and independent lives.

 

However, none of this mitigates the points I have made, nor do the burdens of "being a woman" and/or "being second-guessed or doubted" mean that you are prevented from achieving a stronger, healthier sense of yourself and of your independence.

 

If I accepted that you couldn't do better, that you couldn't find your way to a more confident and comfortable place in life, wouldn't I then be guilty of patronizing you? Like: "there, there, you're just a girl, so you can't help it...."

 

For as much as I needle and cajole and push you about your issues, I think you have demonstrated that you have strength and an ability to set a goal and strive to achieve it.

 

Heck, in some ways, it sounds like I may believe in you more than you believe in yourself...

 

Well, in my family I was also encouraged to succeed. No one ever said "You can't do this or that cause you're a woman.", no they encouraged me plenty.

 

It's only snide little things like "I was worried about you, grandpa asked : how can she survive" etc or even if they don't say anything it's the worrying, it makes me think that they think that it's cause I'm small and a woman.

 

Not only do I have a complex about being a woman but I also have one of being short too. I have a napoleon complex. One time I was returning some crap at Bestbuy and the cust rep didn't even see me! She was like "Next customer pls" and was looking at the guy BEHIND me and then she saw me and she was like "Sorry." I was thinking "Yea you BETTER be sorry".

 

Also my mother treated me as a child even when I was 18 already, doing crap like putting the phone off the hook past a certain time at night (her house her rules but whatever), and didn't let me leave home at night, opening my mail etc. I couldn't stand it so I left and never looked back! I feel like I still left off there, like our relationship never matured cause I barely talked to her during those 10 years. I know she was looking for me, like driving to my friends houses and asking for me. She's still doing it 10 years later! Still looking for me! She has my email address but she wants to know where I live since I don't see her... I guess that's why she's worried too cause I don't see her.

 

My mother patronizes me the most out of everyone, my dad not as much.

[Trimmer]

Family is different though, because with family you change from a child to an adult and when you are an adult you want to be recognized as one or as an equal. I don't like people being overprotective of me, it really bugs me. People being overly concerned etc makes me feel like that way too.

I hear you, and I understand.

 

To get from childhood to adulthood, you need to separate from your family to shed your "child" role and establish your "adult" role. Then, if your family can accept you "back" in that different role as an adult, then you're in good shape.

 

Lots of things can go wrong along the way: If when you separate, you hadn't had a healthy development, you may still be stuck with some of your childhood issues (like not having a well-developed sense of self, needing constant approval and validation from the outside, etc...); alternately, some families can't handle the separation in a healthy way, or they can't accept a member back in an adult role without holding onto the "child" role...

 

Getting to that healthy adult place may indeed be different and/or harder for women, but that doesn't mean it's out of reach, or particularly more difficult to understand...

[Trimmer]

Also my mother treated me as a child even when I was 18 already, doing crap like putting the phone off the hook past a certain time at night (her house her rules but whatever), and didn't let me leave home at night, opening my mail etc. I couldn't stand it so I left and never looked back! I feel like I still left off there, like our relationship never matured cause I barely talked to her during those 10 years. I know she was looking for me, like driving to my friends houses and asking for me. She's still doing it 10 years later! Still looking for me! She has my email address but she wants to know where I live since I don't see her... I guess that's why she's worried too cause I don't see her.

 

My mother patronizes me the most out of everyone, my dad not as much.

Again, I hear you. And if I may be so bold, we may be saying some similar things... "I couldn't stand it so I left and never looked back! I feel like I still left off there, like our relationship never matured.... She's still doing it 10 years later!" Doesn't that sound like a parent/child relationship that stagnated, and didn't finish out its development in a healthy way?

[cutegirl]

I hear you, and I understand.

 

To get from childhood to adulthood, you need to separate from your family to shed your "child" role and establish your "adult" role. Then, if your family can accept you "back" in that different role as an adult, then you're in good shape.

 

Lots of things can go wrong along the way: If when you separate, you hadn't had a healthy development, you may still be stuck with some of your childhood issues (like not having a well-developed sense of self, needing constant approval and validation from the outside, etc...); alternately, some families can't handle the separation in a healthy way, or they can't accept a member back in an adult role without holding onto the "child" role...

 

Getting to that healthy adult place may indeed be different and/or harder for women, but that doesn't mean it's out of reach, or particularly more difficult to understand...

 

Yes, I left at 18 and barely saw my mom 6-7 times during 10 years. My mom is actively searching for me still, I know in the past she hired a detective and if she knows the cross streets she would knock on each door to find me!

 

I know she cries because I don't visit her and my aunt pleaded me to write/call her so my mother doesn't do anything desperate. My mother still goes to my childhood friends house to ask about me, 10 years later. She has no life, doesn't work or have friends, her whole life revolves around searching for me...

 

She patronizes me in email but not in person because I refuse to see her. I think if she patronizes me in email and it's already aggravating me to the point where I want to punch the wall, it will be 100x worse in person!

 

My whole family feels sorry for my mother though because she spent 10 years looking for me and I think that's her life purpose now, she has no life whatsover, no husband, no friends, no job. her whole life is finding me and patronizing me. My aunt told me I was cruel to not visit my mother to let her now I'm ok cause she cries every night etc It's just very hard for me. I don't really like her as a person.