Need help learning to cope with this LDR

[ab0614]

Hello everyone! I'm Angela. I'm new to this site. I joined in hopes of chatting with other people who are in a LDR who can hopefully understand my struggles..

 

Well, so everyone knows, I'm a 19 year old college student in Bloomington, IN. My boyfriend is 22 and lives in the west suburbs of Chicago. Bloomington is a 4 hour drive from Chicago. My hometown, which is in northern Indiana, is only a 2 hour drive from my boyfriend. So whether I'm at home or at school, we are still far from each other.

 

We had been friends for a few months. The thing is, is that we actually met online through Facebook. We talked online and eventually on the phone and just clicked automatically. The first weekend that we started talking on the phone we talked for 6 hours straight, each night! We claimed to be friends but it was evident to the both of us through time that there was something much more between us.

But anywho, during Thanksgiving break I decided to visit him up in Chicago as friends, and since that meeting we decided to become a couple and have been together now for a month and a half now.

 

It's only been a short while and we are also young, but we are madly in love. Trust me, if I could fall in love with anyone at school, I would but I fell for him and he is definitely worth the distance. I get intimidated though, because my boyfriend is a very attractive Filipino (I'm half Filipina half Caucasian) and I notice girls on the internet always flirting with him. I know I shouldn't be intimidated by other girls on the internet, but I can't help myself, especially with the fact that him and I met online. He's a nice guy and goes to church regularly. I always worry that he might find another girl whether it be at church or anywhere else out there. There are so many girls he could go for out in Chicago, but he decided to be with a girl who he can barely ever see. He always has to comfort me and reassure me that Chicago girls, especially the Filipinas, are b*tches (to him anyway) and he just isn't attracted to them! He likes the fact that I'm mixed anyway. But still, the distance and my insecurites often scare me. Despite all that, I'm certain he loves me and that we are so right for each other though.

 

I just get really tense and uptight about our relationship since it is long-distance. Also, I've been hurt and deceived so many times in the past that it's hard for me to feel secure and confident. I trust him completely that he doesn't have a wandering eye checking out other girls, I just don't really know what my problem is. I guess I just am scared that one day he will get bored and tired of this LDR and will want out. I'm scared that one day he will realize that he does have more options out there and that it's not worth pursuing this relationship with me.

 

Another fact that makes this relationship so hard to deal with is that his car recently broke down and cannot get a new one yet. Therefore he isn't able to visit me yet. I've visited him a few times already but the spring semester is coming up and I'm not sure how often I'll be able to visit him due to both of us being busy with school, work, and also not really having enough money for gas going back and forth from Bloomington to Chicago.

 

Also, due to our schedules we can't really talk to each other on the phone during the day. We text during the day and talk on the phone late at night. He works 2 different jobs and goes to school. Sometimes he'll work a 12 hour shift as a nursing aid, have a two hour break, and then has to work another 12 hour shift, then has class directly after work. Then the next day he'd work at his graphic designing job downtown, so he gets REALLY tired. Sometimes he's so tired that he can only talk on the phone for 10 minutes then will get so drowsy that he doesn't make sense on the phone, so we then would have to hang up! And then mix that with me being really cranky late at night. Me being cranky so late at night makes me sort of drowsy and not make sense either! I tend to become an extremely emotional mess. I start crying and getting mad at him for no reason and just get very frustrated with our situation.

I miss him so much and love him even more. And then with us barely able to see each other to comfort one another and even just to hang out and spend time together makes me SO frustrated with this LDR.

 

I can't bear to think about ever losing him but sometimes when we talk so late and I start getting mad and frustrated at him and we get into these arguments, we'll both be sarcastic to each other and tell each other that, "If we can't handle this, then maybe you should find someone better and closer." We both kind of threaten each other like that. But he is the calmer one and tells me to relax. He tries to tell me that everything is going to be ok. But I can't help the fact that I'm so in love with him and this LDR is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. Then while we are arguing (or more so me crying like an idiot and him just trying to calm me down and at the same time telling me he's so tired, he needs sleep, and he can't think straight). When he tells me over and over that he needs sleep and can't deal with the issue we're having at that time, I get even more mad at him because I think that he doesn't care about this situation and just wants to sleep and not deal with it. He always says we'll talk about it the next day. (It's just a cycle though because the next day we talk at night again when we are both in the same drowsy state of mind and the frustration unleashes yet again..)

Then after I get even more mad at him I feel really guilty and then tell him that I don't deserve him and that he doesn't need someone like me who is far away and cannot handle the distance very well. I always feel like he can do better. I want the best for him, and though I know we really are in love, that he wants this to work out, and that he has all the faith in the world for this to work out, I just feel like he shouldn't have to deal with my frustration, anger, and emotional rollercoasters that I give him almost every single day.

 

But anyway. Then after getting sleep, I wake up the next day usually feeling better and getting mad at myself for acting so ridiculous the previous night. But this happens practically everyday since we only talk late at night when we're both what we call "drunk tired" and start arguing.

 

I'm so tired of myself getting so frustrated and mad at him. At the time that it happens I feel like I'm not being ridiculous at all. He always tells me that I over-react which I feel I don't. I am just in that "drunk tired" state of mind and let out my genuine frustration and loneliness. But anyway, when the next morning arrives I feel like a complete jerk for acting the way I do at night towards him. I always realize how sweet he is and how much he does love me and wants to stick with me. I just really feel like the biggest jerk.

 

Last night while I was hysterical he even said that this wasn't the Angela he remembers and knows. I completely change at night when I'm "drunk tired" and I HATE IT. I don't know what to do with myself. I always ask him what the solution of this could be and he doesn't know. I'm scared that one day he will just give up on me. I feel so guilty that I feel I am obligated to break up with him because he doesn't need this frustration drama from me. I definitely don't ever want to do that but I hate seeing him being hurt by me. I don't like stressing him out and upsetting him every night after work.

 

During the day I'm the normal me. I'm happy, I love talking to him. I love being in love, it's just at night when we can barely talk normally I get SO frustrated and lonely because of the distance.

 

Any suggestions? I am in desperate need of some guidance and support.

Thank you so much,

Ang

[Els]

I feel for you, I really do. My suggestion though, is to stop talking at night, or at least take a break from it. That particular form of communication seems to be screwing your relationship over far more than helping it. Would it be at all possible for u two to sneak in even a 5 minute phone call during his work breaks (surely they don't make him work for 12 hours straight)? It may not be as long as what you might get at night, but continuing with what you do at night just seems to be a downward spiral and should be avoided until you've at least resolved some of those issues. How about weekends? Can you perhaps pinpoint WHY you are cranky at night? Is it because you've had a busy day, or feel loneliest at that time, etc?

 

Also, I may have missed this in your post (forgive me, I'm tired) but how come he managed 6 hours a day on the phone initially? Are the jobs new, why did he suddenly decide to take so very many? Working 12 hour shifts + school with only 2 hours of sleep everyday certainly doesn't seem like a very healthy choice, does he need the money that much?

 

Of course you don't have to answer all this if you don't want to. I just find that fleshing things out more helps one see the situation as a whole instead of focusing on just that one problem.

[ab0614]

Thanks so much for replying. I've wondered why he would talk to me for so long in the beginning and have even asked him that. That particular weekend he was also working night shifts (like from 9pm - 9am) as a nursing aid and since the patients are all asleep at night, that's when he's able to take his breaks and talk. It's just that when he works from 9am to 9pm, he usually can't take time to talk to me and by the time he gets home he's really tired. I mean sometimes we talk for longer than 10 or 20 minutes but I guess I just crave more attention to that.

 

Also, that first weekend of talking 6 hours straight was from the excitement and initial attraction we first had. We talked that long just getting to know each other, making jokes, asking tons of questions..stuff like that. We hadn't met in person yet and at that time all we wanted to do was talk to each other. I've talked to him about why he's never willing to talk to me for that long anymore and he says it's because we already met and all he wants to do is just be able to hang out with me whenever he wants and he can't.

Another reason why we have to talk late is because of the free nightly minutes on our phones. When we first started talking to each other, even as just friends, we both had the same cell phone carrier so we were able to talk free to each other whenever. But just this month I switched carriers so minutes for me aren't free. (He has T-Mobile's Fave Five where he can talk to me for free even if I'm on a different network). I can talk to him for a few minutes during the weekday under my plan but it saves money if I use my free night and weekend minutes.

 

I often think I'm just asking too much from him. He is very hard-working and a busy person with his two jobs, school, church, and also helping out his dad with his dad's side job picking up boxes from Filipinos in the Chicago area to send to the Philippines. I know he is trying for me and I shouldn't complain but I really can't help it! I do get more lonely at night, especially because I go through most of the day not talking to him on the phone so by the time night rolls around I get really anxious to talk to him.

 

As for his job situation, his graphic designing job is actually a paid internship because graphic design is his major in school. So the nursing aid job is his actual job.

 

I hope I made things a little more clear. Sorry about that! (:

-Angela

Edited December 30, 2007 by ab0614

[TMichaels]

ab0614, I agree with Elswyth. If you keep trying to talk late at night with your BF when you are both "drunk tired" you won't have to worry about your relationship as you won't have one for much longer.

 

I know you are frustrated and you feel you aren't getting enough attention, but put yourself in your BF's shoes... He's going to school, working two jobs, and trying his best to be there for you.

 

When he does, it seems you are doing everything you can to send him the message that that's not good enough for you.

 

Ultimatums, accusations, guilt and hysterics are not good things in any relationship, and will kill a long distance one faster than you can hit redial.

 

LDRs are not for everyone. They require commitment, understanding, sacrifice, compromise, and trust, not to mention loads of patience and communication.

 

My advice would be to quit blaming your BF for how you are feeling and honestly *ask yourself* whether you're up to the task.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[j_hunt_12]

PLEASE be easy on the guy. LDRs are very difficult for guys who can actually get girls. there I said it, but it's the truth. The fact that he is willing to go through all this means he probably really cares for you... especially if you are as bad as you say you are at night when you talk. Honestly, my girl's only done that to me once--false accusition yelling... blah blah blah. and it was shortly before she went abroad, and I understood because it was a really stressful time for the both of us. But honestly, when you do that, a guy never wants to cheat or leave more. All those negative conversations will build up on the both of you. Even for me now, every time I'm at a party or something, I can't help but think back to that one time my GF said "you dont love me... you'll leave me as soon as you find another girl and I'm not here with you" Understand?.... luckily we forgave each other after that horrible conversation and worked it out with a LOT of talk afterwords. If he hasn't given you a reason to be upset, DONT BE.

 

The reason I fell in love with my GF, along with the fact that I'm truly happy with her and she completes me, is because she is kind, trusts me, and nags less than most, but is still a strong and smart person. This is really the reason I have no problem entering an LDR with her. And so far no problems, minus the fact that we wont be able to email for four weeks now.. internet troubles... :(

 

Best of luck for both of us, you really sound reasonable about of this, stop the late talks and really try to work this out. If you both cant get past this, the LDR really will never work.

 

a guy, rookie to LDR too.

[Sashy]

Hi Angela, I understand your frustration. I think your BF is working very hard, and as you rightly said, you want to be able to be supportive. It is extremely hard I know, because we have needs too, BUT, as you will see, with patience and understanding and kindess, love will return to you tenfolds.

 

Instead of thinking what you DONT have, think about what you DO have, and you will instantly feel thankful for his doing everything he can.

 

I can suggest you something. At night, keep a journal, or talk to a close, trusted friend, before he calls and express how you feel. This way, you can get your anxiety off your chest. You will feel lighter. Remind yourself, write it everywhere, to be NICE, KIND, UNDERSTANDING...whatever word you feel you need to SEE to remind yourself so that you don't repeat the same pattern. For eg. with the guy I love, I always end up being very emotional and I bet I push him away further with that. I have posted notes on my mirror, on my wall saying RESTRAIN, or CONTAIN. These serve as reminders. When the phone rings, I am on alert, and I take precautions to not get emotional, and come across as calm. It is always appreciated. Even though it is really tough, but I can see it paying off in his behavior and reactions. He seems more relaxed, which creates a pleasant feeling.

 

Yes, I do believe it is possible that these experiences will add up and your BF might not feel the same towards you. He might feel it is too much work. Take charge of ur own happiness, and become a little less dependent on him. Go out with friends at night...and you will feel good. Then when he is on the phone, you can tell him all about ur outing. This will shift the focus from ur emotions, to things you DID during the day.

 

Work extra hard to not become cranky when he calls. You can do it.

 

Tell him you appreciate that he is working so hard and you are very proud of him. When he says he needs to sleep, let him go. He will instantly bond with you when you give him this understanding and appreciation.

 

All the best.

[Jaamon]

ab0614, I agree with Elswyth. If you keep trying to talk late at night with your BF when you are both "drunk tired" you won't have to worry about your relationship as you won't have one for much longer.

 

I know you are frustrated and you feel you aren't getting enough attention, but put yourself in your BF's shoes... He's going to school, working two jobs, and trying his best to be there for you.

 

When he does, it seems you are doing everything you can to send him the message that that's not good enough for you.

 

Ultimatums, accusations, guilt and hysterics are not good things in any relationship, and will kill a long distance one faster than you can hit redial.

 

LDRs are not for everyone. They require commitment, understanding, sacrifice, compromise, and trust, not to mention loads of patience and communication.

 

My advice would be to quit blaming your BF for how you are feeling and honestly *ask yourself* whether you're up to the task.

 

Best,

TMichaels

i agree with TMichaels, a very adult response from him. having LDR is very hard to deal with. besides, hes around 3 years older than you, as a guy, he has more responsibilities to handle. worrying about how he is going to support his family and all. (hes asian, and you know how asian parents are when it comes down.) For you to argue with him mostily every night because you feel like he doesnt give you any attention or you feel like he doesnt want to talk to you. i just gota say two things to you. been there and done that . I'm a guy first of all. I did those things to my girl friend before and she also did it to me. I've changed all those bad thoughts from my head late at night and annoying her mostly every night. and its been 2 years since we've dated. Everything is going great and no problem at all.(ofcourse we have little fights here and there) but just to let you know, you have to stop once in for all, or you are going to lose him!!!! you have to trust me on this one. i read ur blog and everything that YOU did, I did it before. so haha~ keep it chill out for your bf and let him handle his business. encourage him, and when ever he did something good that day when you guys are talking at night, tell him your pround of him. it will make him feel good about what he did that day. so let him be him. and everything is gona be ok

[ab0614]

I just want to thank all of you for your comments. Thank you so much for your time in actually reading about my relationship and replying with help. Lol, it's sometimes hard to accept the criticism; I know I do things that are not good in helping our relationship, but we are all human right? I'm trying as hard as I can to make this work. I confide in my close friends and they help me out, give me advice, and help me get my mind off him while he's busy working and whatnot. It's really nice to be on this site getting help and support from you all too. It's nice knowing you all understand so well.. so big thanks!!

 

We're still having some problems with his work schedule. I'll post something up later sometime. I don't like venting because I feel so bad and unfair each time I type out everything--whenever I'm typing it all out I feel like I'm just whining, but it really does get hard to handle at times, which is why I'm on here seeking help to begin with from people who are in the same LDR boat.

 

I just wanted to post a little something and say thanks to all of you who replied. I read all comments and they are really really helping me cope. THANK YOU SO MUCH for understanding.

 

-Angela