nella Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 I have a coworker who I flirt with back and forth a lot. For the most part it seems pretty inocent to me. I have noticed though that she has a habit of saying very bold things and then quickly covering it up by saying "I'm just joking." Examples of this are when she says here neck hurts she will say, "why don't you come over here and rub it down - just joking" or when talking about a hotel reservation she said, "We could go down the block to the Days Inn over lunch - just joknig." I asked a friend of mine (who is in school for psychology) about this and he said that he thinks she likes me and enjoys flirting with me. But, he added that it probably is not as innocent as I think it is because of some of the things she says. He said that people almost always want you to know what they say or else they would not say it. Saying something and ending it with "just joking" is a persons way of letting you know their true feelings in camoflage. She and I are both married and I am trying to keep our friendship platonic. I am not going to lie, if I was not married I would probably ask her out but being married we cannot do that. I really cherish our friendship and do not want to mess it up. I am just curious if anyone else has been in a similar situation and how they dealt with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted December 31, 2007 Share Posted December 31, 2007 (edited) It does seem pretty obvious.... She puts a bold statement out there, but also provides herself cover with the "just joking" comment. It's a probe, a test. That way, if it stimulates your interest, and you respond with something flirty, then she knows your inclination. On the other hand, since she said "just joking" it kind of insulates you from being able to respond in a surprised or indignant way, and protects her from embarrassment. How serious she would actually be, if presented with a real possibility, it's hard to say - maybe she just likes tittilating herself with the fantasies - maybe this is a thrilling risk to her - but it does seem like it's something that's really, in some way, on her mind. If she was happy and secure and completely dedicated to her marriage, and only saw you as a coworker and possibly platonic friend, I wouldn't think she would be tossing out one-liners about taking lunch together over at the Days Inn... Edited December 31, 2007 by Trimmer Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 (edited) Sorry but the "just joking" line is THE OLDEST and LAMEST cop-out in the book. The header to your thread really caught my attention as I had a feeling it would about this. I despise when people say that. "Own up to what you are exposing and deal with the consequences" is my philosophy. People often will use the "just joking" to test the waters and because they sense they will be reject it, it gives them a sense of redemption to use that phrase after they claim something that puts them in a vulnerable position. On another note. This "friend" of yours, she is not a good friend at all. She is married and you are married and she is neither respecting your situation NOR hers, well she can not respect her situation that's prerogative but she must respect yours if she is truly a good friend. Do you not feel those kinds of comments are totally inaporpriate between married "friend?" A friend knows not to cross those boundaries a person who is only out for themselves won't. I think this will end badly unless you put your foot down and aks her flat out, "sorry but what exactly do you mean when you make all these jokes? And why do I get the sense you are making passes at me because I don't find it is apropriate." If you are as good "friends" as you say you are and you truly "cherish" this "friendship" you should be able to talk about that openly and freely and lay down the rules with no offense to be had either way. but my guess is you love the flirting just as much as she does and I can see things ending only one way. Figure out what this friendship means to you, is really what I see you are asking between the lines. PS if you are flirting A LOT back and forth and you are aware of this you are 100% NOT trying to keep it platonic you are already crossing lines. Edited January 1, 2008 by Tomcat33 Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 A friend knows not to cross those boundaries a person who is only out for themselves won't. PS if you are flirting A LOT back and forth and you are aware of this you are 100% NOT trying to keep it platonic you are already crossing lines. I agree with Tomcat's entire post, especially the points noted above. A true friend of yours, will be a friend of you as a whole person, and will respect that your marriage is a part of you. (And maybe more to the point, a true friend will give your marriage the same respect you do. Hmmm, I'm thinking this may be a particularly profound statement...) And on the subject of flirting back and forth and crossing lines... Sometimes people think that "cheating" is some bright line way out there somewhere, and that they are safe to dabble and play and flirt or whatever "because, of course, I would never cross the line..." But the thing is, there isn't one single, obvious, bright line. It's a grey area, a slippery slope, a series of little lines and boundaries, and without realizing that, you can get surprisingly far down that path and find yourself waking up one day starting your story with "I never believed I would get myself in this kind of a situation..." Lots of painful stories on the infidelity and OM/OW boards have that as a fundamental theme... Link to post Share on other sites
Florida Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 Why don't you make a joke back at her like: "I bet if your husband heard you making jokes like that-he wouldn't be your husband for too long afterwards" then say "just kidding" but very serious. Or how about "You know- what is with married women who make weird jokes that sound like sexual overtures, guess there are a lot of attention wh*res coming out of the closet" ...."just kidding" If you don't, it means you are curious enough that there is no need to pretend-you like it and want to see where it goes. What is it you want to know? Yes she is laying the groundwork, you can be the kind of guy your wife would be proud of and nip it in the bud. Or you can keep it up. Which will it be? Link to post Share on other sites
Author nella Posted January 2, 2008 Author Share Posted January 2, 2008 If I were to come out and ask her to stop or ask her what her true feelings are behind her statements I would be very embarrassed if all it was is just innocent flirting. I have asked her about what her husband would think about what she says. I will say (somewhat jokingly), "do you think your husband would want me to give you a neck rub?" Her response (always in a goofing manner) is to say something like, "oh ya that would go over real well with him." Many times she will then pretend like she is telling him about it, "a yah, honey nella wanted to give me a back rub today" and then we both kind of laugh. I really do not know how to respond then. I do not know if she is trying to dig deeper in me to see my reaction or if she just enjoys the casual flirting and attention she gets from it. I will say that if her husband or my wife ever saw the way we act or talk around each other they would kill us. But, I have always felt that I could keep this minor flirtatious joking under control. I really do not know what her hidden agenda is. I am very confussed. I believe I am a strong enouth person not to cheat on my wife (I have done it for 13 years) and I would never guess that she would want to either (she just got remarried a year ago and wants to get pregnant) but a lot of her comments really shock and confuse me. Link to post Share on other sites
Florida Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 If I were to come out and ask her to stop or ask her what her true feelings are behind her statements I would be very embarrassed if all it was is just innocent flirting. That is what is so frustrating about this-in a way you are cornered because to continue along with her indicts you in it as flirtig and enjoying, therefore making you part of it. To confront it outright puts her in a position to appear shocked and act like it was *you* misinterpreting it (YEAH RIGHT!) I have asked her about what her husband would think about what she says. I will say (somewhat jokingly), "do you think your husband would want me to give you a neck rub?" Her response (always in a goofing manner) is to say something like, "oh ya that would go over real well with him." Many times she will then pretend like she is telling him about it, "a yah, honey nella wanted to give me a back rub today" and then we both kind of laugh. I really do not know how to respond then. I do not know if she is trying to dig deeper in me to see my reaction or if she just enjoys the casual flirting and attention she gets from it. Nella i'm glad you said that to her, seems like there is no getting around this-what a pushy little thing! I will say that if her husband or my wife ever saw the way we act or talk around each other they would kill us. Woah buddy slow down-re-read that....... That's a really big deal. Now-good for you that you are thinking about this-most wouldn't until it got ugly or oopsie everyone is naked how did this happen? So-question: Are you going along for her ride, just following her lead because you are flattered and enjoy it? Or are you going along with it because you don't know how to stop it without causing her and yourself discomfort, therefore you think you can keep it under control? The way i see it-she is leading you like a man on a leash and you are following-why?? Is she that strong of a personality? But, I have always felt that I could keep this minor flirtatious joking under control. I really do not know what her hidden agenda is. I am very confussed. I believe I am a strong enouth person not to cheat on my wife (I have done it for 13 years) and I would never guess that she would want to either (she just got remarried a year ago and wants to get pregnant) but a lot of her comments really shock and confuse me. Nella-don't look to her relationship for any clues, it's hard enough to figure out why we do things, let alone her. She is being very sneaky, in effect flirting with you in a way that your spouses will get angry if they observed it, yet letting you off the hook, so to speak, with a "just joking" Let's get one thing straight-yes she is coming on to you. Who knows if she would follow through, or if she is testing the waters figuring it out as she goes, or just teasing you for an ego boost. Next questions 1)-are you going to go along thinking you can control it? 2) Why would you do that? Why put yourself in the face of temptation? Because it is easier than stopping it, or 'cuz you like it and crave it? Let's get that figured out 1st. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 You should say: 'Oh yes, let's go to the Days Inn and f*ck our brains out for lunch'... 'just kidding' If you have no intentions of having sex with her.. just be 'man enough' to tell her to stop flirting with you... simple. If you tell her she will stop. Link to post Share on other sites
Florida Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 You should say: 'Oh yes, let's go to the Days Inn and f*ck our brains out for lunch'... 'just kidding' If you have no intentions of having sex with her.. just be 'man enough' to tell her to stop flirting with you... simple. If you tell her she will stop. Lizzie just summed up my novel up there-tell her to stop if you don't like it. Period. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 Lizzie just summed up my novel up there-tell her to stop if you don't like it. Period. The problem is he DOES like it, furthermore, Nella I think her "I am just joking" is the equivalent of your "what does I am just joking after take me to the Day's Inn" mean? You are both wanting to know if the other one is SERIOUSLY "interested", the question here isn't, is it or isn't it because if it is we need to do what's right, I sense the question is "is it? because if it is let's proceed with the afternoon special Look Nella what the two of you are doing is totally unacceptable, and you know it. If your partners would absolutely kill you if they knew then make no more inquiries about it, you have MOST definitely crossed dangerous lines already and it will only get worse from here. you are playing with fire and you know it. Lizzie is right put a stop to it already if it really concerns you. Your response to "yeah that would go over well with my husband" can be "well if he wouldn't appreciate it then maybe you should consider that since you ARE married to the guy and all.....I wouldn't want to do anything to upset him or my W" ha-ha-hee-hee make a joke at it but jab her where it hurts with a nice REALITY check, you are both married end of jokes. Better she thinks you're a "prude" than some cheater who is going to accompany her in her cheating ways. Link to post Share on other sites
Florida Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 Better she thinks you're a "prude" than some cheater who is going to accompany her in her cheating ways. Great points TC, and I completely agree....but is Nella really going to do it considering he posted unders friends and lovers? Do the right thing Nella! You know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
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