Citizen Erased Posted December 31, 2007 Share Posted December 31, 2007 I was just speaking to my little bro. We were just talking about the usual, his school, his girlfriends etc then we got on to talking about our dad. Apparently when my sister went up to their house for a visit, my dad was talking to her and said that he doesn't count me as his daughter anymore. Apparently he is still not over me leaving his house when I was 14 and from then on he hasn't cared for me. She confronted him about not making any effort, and he said that he knows, he feels terrible, but pretty much I am not worth the effort to him. He also stated that he never had a close bond with me in the first place because I confuse him, he doesn't know what is going on in my head blah blah blah. Well if he didn't treat me like a 5 year old, and like I'm an idiot then maybe I would be more open to conversations with him. Well happy ****ing holidays to you too daddy. I mean, this is just really confirming what I thought, no real surprise. But still. It hurts Link to post Share on other sites
Nemo Posted December 31, 2007 Share Posted December 31, 2007 Well happy ****ing holidays to you Aren't you just an angel. Thank you. As they say, you can't choose your parents. I'm really sorry that you heard about this second-hand. He did admit to feeling terrible, so maybe he will come to his senses. It must be hard for you to keep making the effort, when you are getting nothing in return. Hey, at least johan loves you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Citizen Erased Posted December 31, 2007 Author Share Posted December 31, 2007 Aren't you just an angel. Thank you. As they say, you can't choose your parents. I'm really sorry that you heard about this second-hand. He did admit to feeling terrible, so maybe he will come to his senses. It must be hard for you to keep making the effort, when you are getting nothing in return. Hey, at least johan loves you. I really am aren't I Yes it is hard, but well after this there will be no effort on my part. He has his new family and it is even more obvious now I am not a part of it. You know, I also found out today he has just moved again...to a different state He has already moved. Just things like these which make me want to delete his numbers, his email, throw out his photos and adopt another dad Link to post Share on other sites
Zolie Posted December 31, 2007 Share Posted December 31, 2007 <<he said...pretty much I am not worth the effort to him.>> Hi, Coco. Your post really pulled at my heartstrings. I know it hurts to hear your dad say things like this, but please know that he is saying them due to his *own* shortcomings and feelings of inadequacy at being able to understand you and/or control you when you were a young teen. When he says you are not worth the effort, he is not saying *You* are not worth the effort. What he really means (even if he doesn't know it) is that to have a relationship with you means he would have to confront his own inadequacies as a father, and would have to put a lot of effort in setting aside his own way of thinking in order to understand your way of thinking. To quote an old phrase, he would have to think outside of the box, and that is what is too much effort to him. Always remember you are worth it... Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted December 31, 2007 Share Posted December 31, 2007 I can relate... but in my case, it took me over 40 years to cut all contact with him... I should have done that waaaayyyy earlier.. I did cut all contact after a therapist told me 'why should I work my *ss off to please him when he doesn't give a rat's *ss about me" that was the beginning of a new life for me... no more 'worries' about this *sshole... I am free from him... It's been approx. 8 years now... I never felt so good after that... I should have done that years before. So my advice to you: cut all contacts, destroy everything.. you're better with no father (I can't call jerks like that 'dads') than a rotten one... trust me on that one. Free yourself from all that pain... Link to post Share on other sites
brothermartin Posted December 31, 2007 Share Posted December 31, 2007 Hey COCO D. I'm sorry to here about you and your dad. But I think Lizzie has a point. I don't know what you're going through, I'm very close to both my parents. But it may be better to not have one than a bad one. If you want, I'll be your daddy! Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted December 31, 2007 Share Posted December 31, 2007 Hey! Who's your daddy? Actually, I think your dad is a dumbass. This is something he'll regret someday, and chances are he'll try to put things back together after a lifetime of deliberate stupidity gets to be too much to bear. I don't agree with the throwing photos away and acting like he doesn't exist. Don't duplicate his stupidity. Just put them away in a box somewhere way out of sight. Maybe someday when you aren't dealing with a lot of emotions about the whole thing you can think about it again. Just keep them for now. Sorry that this guy is such a source of pain for you, DC. He's really being a moron. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted December 31, 2007 Share Posted December 31, 2007 Chances are that he will never regret it... or at least never say that he does... I have never heard back from my moronic father... I know I won't and I just don't think about him... I have nothing that reminds me of him.. and that's what I needed to do... no more sad memories... life goes on. And to be honest, that is what ended my deep deep depression... I was finally free from a tyrant father. Link to post Share on other sites
JHS Posted December 31, 2007 Share Posted December 31, 2007 I was just speaking to my little bro. We were just talking about the usual, his school, his girlfriends etc then we got on to talking about our dad. Apparently when my sister went up to their house for a visit, my dad was talking to her and said that he doesn't count me as his daughter anymore. Apparently he is still not over me leaving his house when I was 14 and from then on he hasn't cared for me. She confronted him about not making any effort, and he said that he knows, he feels terrible, but pretty much I am not worth the effort to him. He also stated that he never had a close bond with me in the first place because I confuse him, he doesn't know what is going on in my head blah blah blah. Well if he didn't treat me like a 5 year old, and like I'm an idiot then maybe I would be more open to conversations with him. Well happy ****ing holidays to you too daddy. I mean, this is just really confirming what I thought, no real surprise. But still. It hurts To me what sucks is that he could not tell this to you, he told it to your sister who told you so not only do you not have the bond of communicating with him but you're not sure exactly what he said. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Citizen Erased Posted December 31, 2007 Author Share Posted December 31, 2007 <<he said...pretty much I am not worth the effort to him.>> Hi, Coco. Your post really pulled at my heartstrings. I know it hurts to hear your dad say things like this, but please know that he is saying them due to his *own* shortcomings and feelings of inadequacy at being able to understand you and/or control you when you were a young teen. When he says you are not worth the effort, he is not saying *You* are not worth the effort. What he really means (even if he doesn't know it) is that to have a relationship with you means he would have to confront his own inadequacies as a father, and would have to put a lot of effort in setting aside his own way of thinking in order to understand your way of thinking. To quote an old phrase, he would have to think outside of the box, and that is what is too much effort to him. Always remember you are worth it... Thanks Zolie. I know all these things, it's just harder to get my mind to accept it. The likelihood of him actually putting the effort in is very low, but I think I need to accept that and stop wishing he would. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Citizen Erased Posted December 31, 2007 Author Share Posted December 31, 2007 I can relate... but in my case, it took me over 40 years to cut all contact with him... I should have done that waaaayyyy earlier.. I did cut all contact after a therapist told me 'why should I work my *ss off to please him when he doesn't give a rat's *ss about me" that was the beginning of a new life for me... no more 'worries' about this *sshole... I am free from him... It's been approx. 8 years now... I never felt so good after that... I should have done that years before. So my advice to you: cut all contacts, destroy everything.. you're better with no father (I can't call jerks like that 'dads') than a rotten one... trust me on that one. Free yourself from all that pain... Sorry to hear about that Lizzie. I wish I could do all of that. I'm angry enough right now to, but I doubt it would stick, you know. It really doesn't help that the only person who understands everything is my mum, and she hates him so I don't feel I should take much of what she says into account. I just wish I had the guts to confront him about it. I just don't. I never have. I am still the same 10 year old afraid he's going to come home and yell at me or whatever. I used to be terrified of him, he was not abusive, but he was not a happy person to be around growing up, and now he is happier, I still get none of it. Sounds very tempting to free myself of him tho Link to post Share on other sites
Author Citizen Erased Posted December 31, 2007 Author Share Posted December 31, 2007 Hey COCO D. I'm sorry to here about you and your dad. But I think Lizzie has a point. I don't know what you're going through, I'm very close to both my parents. But it may be better to not have one than a bad one. If you want, I'll be your daddy! Thanks hon. I envy you of that. I guess at least I have my mum, we've become quite close this past year, since her ex died. aww you're sweet Hey! Who's your daddy? Actually, I think your dad is a dumbass. This is something he'll regret someday, and chances are he'll try to put things back together after a lifetime of deliberate stupidity gets to be too much to bear. I don't agree with the throwing photos away and acting like he doesn't exist. Don't duplicate his stupidity. Just put them away in a box somewhere way out of sight. Maybe someday when you aren't dealing with a lot of emotions about the whole thing you can think about it again. Just keep them for now. Sorry that this guy is such a source of pain for you, DC. He's really being a moron. Thanks for the laugh. And you know who You know, I think he is too. lol. I wish things would end up all great and nice, happy families and whatever. But the chances are slim and I know I will end up miserable if I keep hoping for that. I guess you're right. Most of the pics I have are of my whole family, so are from when I was much younger, living in the UK etc. I'll keep them if only for that. Thanks Johan. At least we are in agreement he is being a moron Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted December 31, 2007 Share Posted December 31, 2007 a girl with a dady issue... lock 'n' load im going in Link to post Share on other sites
Author Citizen Erased Posted December 31, 2007 Author Share Posted December 31, 2007 Chances are that he will never regret it... or at least never say that he does... I have never heard back from my moronic father... I know I won't and I just don't think about him... I have nothing that reminds me of him.. and that's what I needed to do... no more sad memories... life goes on. And to be honest, that is what ended my deep deep depression... I was finally free from a tyrant father. I wish things had turned out better for you hon To me what sucks is that he could not tell this to you, he told it to your sister who told you so not only do you not have the bond of communicating with him but you're not sure exactly what he said. Actually my little bro told me, he was in the room with them. Apparently he doesn't have ears My father and my sister are very close. I used to work in the same office as her when I left school. He would call and talk to her every day for half an hour. I didn't speak to him for more then a year. Just says it all. The thing is, I didn't need to be told this. I haven't been happy with whatever the hell you would call this we have between us, but had no idea of how to change it. Now I know I am pretty much just wasting my time. I can only hope the day that I don't care about what he thinks/does comes quickly. But I doubt it Link to post Share on other sites
Author Citizen Erased Posted December 31, 2007 Author Share Posted December 31, 2007 a girl with a dady issue... lock 'n' load im going in aww sweetie didn't you know I would be dealing with it by going after Johan? Link to post Share on other sites
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