Dad wants me to meet dad's side of the family - more drama

[cutegirl]

Ok, what's going on is that my dad is visiting me from Europe and staying here for like 8 days, he's here now and that's why I have all sorts of family drama . My parents are divorced so when I grew up I only got to know my mother's side of the family. I guess I have lots of family form my dad's side living here too (like 15 min away), I just never met them.

 

Now he wants me to meet them at some family event thing. Now I lived on my own since I was 18, I am not family oriented and into family gathering crap, I like living on my own, doing my own thing. I don't feel like meeting the family on my dad's side, just because I don't like family stuff and also because I don't care to and also cause I don't HAVE to. I mean, that's why I left home at age 18, so I can be free to do whatever I want. I haven't taken ONE PENNY from my parents since I was 18, I have done everything on my own. Also, I don't think my dad financially supported me once me and my mother moved to America (when I was like 12), so who is he to tell me what to do?

 

I don't really like to interact much with my mom's family either except one aunt. They never did anything bad to me or anything, I just like to stick to myself. When I was a kid I hated family gatherings and now that I'm old and support myself I feel like I can do whatever the hell I want and I don't owe anybody anything. If I don't feel like meeting someone I feel like I don't have to.

 

All these people are somehow related to my grandma on my dad's side. I'm not sure how exactly, I think my grandma's cousins and sisters or something like that, the family is huge.

 

I don't want to meet them! I don't feel like I owe my dad anything, like I said, he took care of me when I was a baby and had me on the weekends but once I moved to the U.S I only got money on my b-day or christmas whatever...

 

And then my dad is like telling me that they want to meet me cause they all know him and that he has a daughter but never met and stuff like that. I told my dad I'm anti social and don't want to meet them, I hate family stuff etc and then he says he hates it too but he can play the game once a year, it's just to interact, social bull**** and that it's no big deal. He probably thinks I'm weird...

 

I hate family drama because they are nosy and like to ask about your life, like where you live, what you do etc. I just hate gossipy people and all family gossip, and this is like extended family so I'm not close to them. We have the same last name, but it's very distant family, like grandma's cousins and all their kids and kids etc Is it really necessary for me to meet them?

 

I'm not traditional like I said. I like living on my own and doing my own thing. I don't feel like I have to answer to anyone.

[cutegirl]

Also, I feel like if I go to the family thing it's only to make my dad look good.

 

People like to brag or show how their children are grown or whatever. I don't do that for my mom either, so I don't see why I should do it for him either?

 

Yea, now I think of it, it will be mainly for HIS benefit. So people won't be like, "where is your daughter", etc. It's to make HIM look good. It doesn't do anything for me...

[Citizen Erased]

I myself don't much like family gatherings. But would it really kill you to meet them? You may not think it now, but if you don't meet them now, you may never, and it is probably something you will regret.

 

But hey, it is in the end your decision, not your fathers. If you don't feel comfortable meeting them all, maybe suggest you meet just his parents, away from a big family gathering so it isn't quite so daunting.

[cutegirl]

I myself don't much like family gatherings. But would it really kill you to meet them? You may not think it now, but if you don't meet them now, you may never, and it is probably something you will regret.

 

But hey, it is in the end your decision, not your fathers. If you don't feel comfortable meeting them all, maybe suggest you meet just his parents, away from a big family gathering so it isn't quite so daunting.

 

Well, I'm not family oriented at all and I'm almost 30 so I'm sure I am not going to care... It's distant family, supposedly I have hundreds of relatives but they are extended, like my grandma's sister's relatives and all their tons of kids and grandma's cousins kids, its' not even close my family so I don't see why I should care.

 

Oops, also my dad said the whole family on his side also found out I don't talk to my mother (I haven't seen her for 4 years, I only saw her a few times after I left home (around 10 years) and this is when she was looking for me). My mom is schizo actually and that's part of it because I don't want to deal with her. So my dad said that well, at least see the family so they will be like "she doesn't talk to her mother but at least she'll go see us", so they don't think that I hate all of them. I don't hate them, it's just that I don't care cause I have my own life...

[cutegirl]

Also, I don't know how the hell it spread through the whole family on my DAD's side that I don't talk to my mom, it such a small world or people gossip like crazy! Everyone knows! I didn't think my mom talked to anyone on my dad's side but apparently she told one person and that person told him (and he lives in Europe) etc

 

It even spread to people in my home country! I wasn't born there (in my home country), but the country where my parents were originally from ( I don't want to say what country but it's somewhere in Asia), it even spread across the ocean, wtf

 

I hate gossipy people!

[quankanne]

good golly, girl, you've got some serious issues pounding at you!

 

look, maybe the best thing to do – especially since there is no room for compromise – is to very kindly but firmly tell your dad that you're just not comfortable with doing "the family thing" and you'd rather he didn't ask anymore. You might have to tell him a few times before it sinks in, but at least he'll know that you are unwavering in your stance.

 

when Ben Franklin said that the only sure things in life were death and taxes, he completely overlooked family drama. Because to some degree, we all suffer from it!

 

good luck, and don't hesitate to be blunt with your dad. It might upset him but he'll know where things stand, you know?

[cutegirl]

good golly, girl, you've got some serious issues pounding at you!

 

look, maybe the best thing to do – especially since there is no room for compromise – is to very kindly but firmly tell your dad that you're just not comfortable with doing "the family thing" and you'd rather he didn't ask anymore. You might have to tell him a few times before it sinks in, but at least he'll know that you are unwavering in your stance.

 

when Ben Franklin said that the only sure things in life were death and taxes, he completely overlooked family drama. Because to some degree, we all suffer from it!

 

good luck, and don't hesitate to be blunt with your dad. It might upset him but he'll know where things stand, you know?

 

I did already. my dad said he only comes here once every few years so it's a one time thing, it's not like I have to see them any other time. He said they all ask for me cause they all know him and knows he has a daughter, just never met her.

[cutegirl]

Also, do you guys think that what my dad is asking is a big favor of me or no? Is he asking for something realistic or asking for a lot?

 

Is it considered "me doing him a big favor" if I go or is it so normal to meet your extended family that it's not a big deal?

[kkthxbye]

Also, do you guys think that what my dad is asking is a big favor of me or no? Is he asking for something realistic or asking for a lot?

 

Is it considered "me doing him a big favor" if I go or is it so normal to meet your extended family that it's not a big deal?

 

I think it is the way he is asking that is the issue here. It is important for you to communicate to him the reasons you do or don't wish to do this task for him. A one time thing I can understand b/c he lives far away. But, should you drop your life to meet this need of his? no. He is asking a lot, because of the way you view this, and it is stressing you out. From the outside looking in? It is an important issue, but a natural one. And frankly, to some other people, you are very fortunate to have family at all.

 

I was in the same kind of situation, as far as extended family and my father, being a patriarchal italian, made it mandatory for my brother and I to go to his family gatherings. However, I was under 18 and living at home, so I was forced to go. And I hated it. The drama, the gossip, the constant telling to keep my opinions to myself and respect my elders, etc was too much for me. And back then, they didn't have Ipods.

 

However, I'm married, but barren. I can not bear children, and my family on both sides have all passed away. My holidays are lonely, and although I have gotten used to having my own life, devoid of family, my own choice due to mental anguish about all the drama.....I do miss visiting relatives who look like me, and laugh like me. At times I did feel like I belonged somewhere, and to a group of people, even though they drove me nuts.

 

But you can go your whole life never meeting these people you're blood bonded with, and be just fine. You may never regret it, and enjoy your solo career making your own family. But once they are all under the ground, you'll never be able to make the decision down the road to finally see if your cousins have the same funny widow's peak down your forehead that you've hated your whole life, and be able to laugh.

 

I'd say, buck it up. Smile, meet the family, then just get back to your life. That gives them the pleasure of seeing what you look like, it is important for them, family trees are treasures to some people at certain ages. And you are a branch that they crave for whatever the reason. You might be pleasantly surprised and meet some family you are glad you did.

 

Either way, its just this one time, and everyone goes back to their lives. You don't have to tell them where you live or give them your number if you dont want to. But at least you met them, and put grandma's heart to rest for the rest of her days about this unresolved issue.

 

Good luck to you, and try to see the positive in the situation. Do this for you, so you don't have any regrets when they are all gone from the earth. I was glad I met them. And two grandparents were passed away before I ever came to the family. One of which you can't tell us apart, I look exactly like my grandmother. And that makes me proud, she was a smashingly sexy lady! ha:love:

[cutegirl]

I think it is the way he is asking that is the issue here. It is important for you to communicate to him the reasons you do or don't wish to do this task for him. A one time thing I can understand b/c he lives far away. But, should you drop your life to meet this need of his? no. He is asking a lot, because of the way you view this, and it is stressing you out. From the outside looking in? It is an important issue, but a natural one. And frankly, to some other people, you are very fortunate to have family at all.

 

I was in the same kind of situation, as far as extended family and my father, being a patriarchal italian, made it mandatory for my brother and I to go to his family gatherings. However, I was under 18 and living at home, so I was forced to go. And I hated it. The drama, the gossip, the constant telling to keep my opinions to myself and respect my elders, etc was too much for me. And back then, they didn't have Ipods.

 

However, I'm married, but barren. I can not bear children, and my family on both sides have all passed away. My holidays are lonely, and although I have gotten used to having my own life, devoid of family, my own choice due to mental anguish about all the drama.....I do miss visiting relatives who look like me, and laugh like me. At times I did feel like I belonged somewhere, and to a group of people, even though they drove me nuts.

 

But you can go your whole life never meeting these people you're blood bonded with, and be just fine. You may never regret it, and enjoy your solo career making your own family. But once they are all under the ground, you'll never be able to make the decision down the road to finally see if your cousins have the same funny widow's peak down your forehead that you've hated your whole life, and be able to laugh.

 

I'd say, buck it up. Smile, meet the family, then just get back to your life. That gives them the pleasure of seeing what you look like, it is important for them, family trees are treasures to some people at certain ages. And you are a branch that they crave for whatever the reason. You might be pleasantly surprised and meet some family you are glad you did.

 

Either way, its just this one time, and everyone goes back to their lives. You don't have to tell them where you live or give them your number if you dont want to. But at least you met them, and put grandma's heart to rest for the rest of her days about this unresolved issue.

 

Good luck to you, and try to see the positive in the situation. Do this for you, so you don't have any regrets when they are all gone from the earth. I was glad I met them. And two grandparents were passed away before I ever came to the family. One of which you can't tell us apart, I look exactly like my grandmother. And that makes me proud, she was a smashingly sexy lady! ha:love:

 

Thanks for your advice.

 

What do you think is wrong in the way that he is asking it though?

 

I think it's also because I'm anti social and don't like meeting people, I like to be isolated like you and not have anything to do with them. I do understand what you are saying about sucking it up and meeting them once though.

[cutegirl]

I think it is the way he is asking that is the issue here. It is important for you to communicate to him the reasons you do or don't wish to do this task for him. A one time thing I can understand b/c he lives far away. But, should you drop your life to meet this need of his? no. He is asking a lot, because of the way you view this, and it is stressing you out. From the outside looking in? It is an important issue, but a natural one. And frankly, to some other people, you are very fortunate to have family at all.

 

I was in the same kind of situation, as far as extended family and my father, being a patriarchal italian, made it mandatory for my brother and I to go to his family gatherings. However, I was under 18 and living at home, so I was forced to go. And I hated it. The drama, the gossip, the constant telling to keep my opinions to myself and respect my elders, etc was too much for me. And back then, they didn't have Ipods.

 

However, I'm married, but barren. I can not bear children, and my family on both sides have all passed away. My holidays are lonely, and although I have gotten used to having my own life, devoid of family, my own choice due to mental anguish about all the drama.....I do miss visiting relatives who look like me, and laugh like me. At times I did feel like I belonged somewhere, and to a group of people, even though they drove me nuts.

 

But you can go your whole life never meeting these people you're blood bonded with, and be just fine. You may never regret it, and enjoy your solo career making your own family. But once they are all under the ground, you'll never be able to make the decision down the road to finally see if your cousins have the same funny widow's peak down your forehead that you've hated your whole life, and be able to laugh.

 

I'd say, buck it up. Smile, meet the family, then just get back to your life. That gives them the pleasure of seeing what you look like, it is important for them, family trees are treasures to some people at certain ages. And you are a branch that they crave for whatever the reason. You might be pleasantly surprised and meet some family you are glad you did.

 

Either way, its just this one time, and everyone goes back to their lives. You don't have to tell them where you live or give them your number if you dont want to. But at least you met them, and put grandma's heart to rest for the rest of her days about this unresolved issue.

 

Good luck to you, and try to see the positive in the situation. Do this for you, so you don't have any regrets when they are all gone from the earth. I was glad I met them. And two grandparents were passed away before I ever came to the family. One of which you can't tell us apart, I look exactly like my grandmother. And that makes me proud, she was a smashingly sexy lady! ha:love:

 

I think your family sounds like mine: more traditional etc... I don't think my family die out though, I think I probably have at least 300 members on my dad's side in the U.S alone and then there's a crap load in at least 3 other continents. My mother's family is like 500 people probably.... My grandmother had like 8 or 9 sisters. All those folks had kids, some had like 7 or 8 etc

 

My grandma had 10 kids, etc

 

There are too many of them.

[cutegirl]

Other people, what would you do if you were forced to meet extended family? Would you be stressed, would you be able to handle it? Would you feel like you were doing your parents a big favor, if you went, or do you think it's normal to meet your family and therefore it's no big deal either and you aren't really doing them much of a favor, that extended family are "just people" just after all so it's nothing to worry or make a big deal about??

 

And how do you feel about being "forced" as an adult? Not forced but knowing they would be disappointed if you didn't go? Do you think that being part of an adult is doing things that you don't have to do and that you don't have to do but sometimes you should just to make life more easygoing, or to make someone happy? Or do you feel that since you're an adult u can do whatever the **** u want, **** social conventions and everyone else.

[kkthxbye]

Now he wants me to meet them at some family event thing. Now I lived on my own since I was 18, I am not family oriented and into family gathering crap, I like living on my own, doing my own thing. I don't feel like meeting the family on my dad's side, just because I don't like family stuff and also because I don't care to and also cause I don't HAVE to. I mean, that's why I left home at age 18, so I can be free to do whatever I want. I haven't taken ONE PENNY from my parents since I was 18, I have done everything on my own. Also, I don't think my dad financially supported me once me and my mother moved to America (when I was like 12), so who is he to tell me what to do?

 

It sounds like your dad doesn't understand how you feel about going to see them. If he knew all of this, and cared and respected your stature on this issue, I believe he wouldn't ask but once, politely, then take No for your answer. It sounded like he demanded this of you, although you didn't state so. Did he? Just wondering.

 

No one can force you to meet your extended family. The need for them to want to see you, is to welcome you to the family? See you, get to know you, and include you in on their lives. I'm sure they'd rather you not be there if you were forced to be. I went gladly to three family reunions. 300+ people just from my mom's side. I left crying three times. I haven't been back since.

 

I am asked to go politely by my immediate family, but I politely decline. I think the suggestion made about you visiting a few family members, perhaps the ones your father wants you to meet, on a small scale gathering is a good start. What do you have to lose? Someday your dad will be gone, and he won't have the joy of seeing you with his family. And if anything gets brought up you don't approve of, make it known this is why I don't come to these things, and make sure your dad understands to not bother you about this again on his future trips home. Communicate your feelings to him. On the upside, you could have the party of a lifetime rockin with your cousins!

 

But maybe you're just not ready to meet them?

 

I'm almost 33, and I still don't go to family gatherings. And lots of them have passed away, but I'm not ready to go into that pit yet. Because I don't have kids, my family has a nice way of making me feel like I have nothing in common with them, and can't relate to anything, and of course not allowed to have an opinion regarding anything in diapers. I don't take it personally anymore, but I don't feel the need to get smashed beyond comprehension like the rest of the reunioners just to tolerate the gathering. LOL

 

Since your dad is coming from far away, I'd go ahead and just do it but on a smaller scale gathering. Then everyone go on their merry way.

[kkthxbye]

Thanks for your advice.

 

What do you think is wrong in the way that he is asking it though?

 

I think it's also because I'm anti social and don't like meeting people, I like to be isolated like you and not have anything to do with them. I do understand what you are saying about sucking it up and meeting them once though.

 

 

Its funny you said this. I'm just the opposite of anti-social. I crave people and contact. I'm one of those annoying women who touch your arm when telling a story. I forget people don't like contact, and it tends to put them off. I moved to very friendly places and talk to everyone. And of course, I work in customer service.

 

It wasn't until I met my only child husband, who is a hermit crab, did I start living this way. I began to see how people took advantage of me, made fun of me, and in my naivety, embarrassed me sometimes by causing harm.

 

Hubby pointed out how bad my family treated me. I came home a different woman after only being at my parents house. I couldn't figure out what went wrong. After learning more about people, and about myself, I took the years we have been married to isolate myself from my family until I learned how to put up that emotional/mental shield of protection. It takes practice, but I'm getting there. I'm a sensitive emotional woman with a lot of passion. And I learned how to not take things so personal. Something I had to accomplish after becoming the black sheep of the family. No more drama, but it also means lonely holidays for a social person like myself.

 

My H is anti-social. Its amazing we met and talked at all! However, I see how being without family works for him, but I also hear how badly he wants a family of his own, of which I can't give him. I have taught him to be more social, and I've seen sides of him that make me smile. Being anti-social is not a bad thing. And I'm sure you're misunderstood for it a lot too, right? I'm anti-social by choice, not nature, and now that I live in a scenic place, I'm having fun.

 

If being around people causes you anxiety, and that's what you are dreading about your family meeting, then I'd talk with your dad about finding a more comfortable setting for it. If you find you just can't go meet them, no worries. He'll have to get over it, and leave you alone about it. Its your choice, not his.

[cutegirl]

Thanks KKHTX,

 

No, I don't have to go. My dad never said I HAD to go, perhaps I felt like I had to go. I don't know but he said it's fine if I don't have to go. I don't think my father would dare to exert authority on me because he knows I am independent and don't listen to anybody.

 

I was stressing because I felt like I had to go. I just hate dealing with family in general and I'm also anti social. I just like to be left alone.

[kkthxbye]

Thanks KKHTX,

 

No, I don't have to go. My dad never said I HAD to go, perhaps I felt like I had to go. I don't know but he said it's fine if I don't have to go. I don't think my father would dare to exert authority on me because he knows I am independent and don't listen to anybody.

 

I was stressing because I felt like I had to go. I just hate dealing with family in general and I'm also anti social. I just like to be left alone.

 

I can understand. I'll tell you what my husband said, just now over my shoulder. He says, "don't go right now. If it doesn't bring you happiness thinking about going to their house to visit, then you should not go. Pick a time when you are feeling happy about the idea, (which may be never) and go then. It frustrates you now to even consider the idea, and that negativity has to be gone before you bring it into someones house. Its not your fault, its just natural for people like us in these corners." He also said, give yourself time to warm up the idea of meeting your family. In the future, you may be feeling ok with it, but it sounds to him like now is just not the time.

 

He said from one Anti-social person to another, Good luck, and there are great movies coming out on DVD to watch.

[ZenSilk]

I think it's perfectly understandable that you don't want to meet a bunch of people who are related to you by blood but haven't ever been a real family to you. If, additionally, you feel anxious around people, then it is even more clear that this situation could be very violent for you. Just because your father, who hasn't really taken the role of a father during your life, wants you to meet them so that those people finally get a face going with your name... that doesn't mean you have to do this. It really does sound like he just wants to have people stop ask him about where you are, and that would be pretty selfish of him.

 

I think the only reason you should consider when going to that thing is, are you interested in meeting them? As kkthxbye said, at some point they won't be there. You might be interested in knowing where you come from, just out of curiosity. However, if they don't live far away, what kkthxbye's husband says sounds like a great piece of advice: warm up to the idea and wait until you find a time where you're happy about meeting them.

 

I do think it's a big favor to ask. Actually, I decided to go to a family event some weeks ago where I met a bunch of relatives from my dad's side. I hadn't seen them since I was a little kid and I found it was a pretty violent situation. However, I did this for myself and for my brother, and I wouldn't have done it for my father alone (he didn't play a father's role during my childhood either, barely saw him, etc.). I was happy to meet people that had been around when I was a little kid, pretty much out of curiosity. But I also felt very strange around people who are officially my family and know tidbits of information they've heard about me, but not who I actually am.

 

So, just ask yourself what it is you want and do that. Meeting your family might be a good experience for you, but if it makes you feel so anxious, just wait. It might also be better to not do it at a big gathering, where it's very probable you'll feel feel out of place. And if you do this, do it for yourself. If you're gonna do it for your father, just ask yourself if he plays a big enough role in your life for you to make that effort for him.

[oldernwiser]

I can completely relate to your dilemma. Unfortunately each person must choose their own path and live with the results. I share your sense of disconnect with family and can relate to your desire to be left alone to make your own way in life.

 

My family presents the perfect picture of totally F*cked up behaviour and I simply want to be left alone. Leave me to make my own choices - good or bad. I'll deal with them, because the pain of my own choices can't be worse than the pain this lot of idiots deal out on a weekly basis. I never talk to my relatives now. I'm in my mid-40's and have taken to heart my vow of years ago that I didn't want to deal with them.

 

Years ago, my dad wanted me to meet some of his family, and my response was, when we needed them most they either snubbed us or worse, didn't make an effort to even contact us. My dad was absent most of my life and didn't really come into it until I was an adult so I resisted the attempt to connect with family that obviously wasn't concerned with us.

 

I bowed to pressure and went to visit the relatives and have never been contacted by them since. They treated me like I had the plague. I was very polite and cordial to all of them, but was treated with the same questions over and over - like "and you are?" or my favourite "you said you are [Dad's] daughter? Really! I didn't know he had children". Yea right! They knew, they simply didn't care.

 

My Grandfather was worse. He wouldn't even acknowledge my presence in the same room. Evidently I looked far too much like my mother so he didn't feel it necessary to speak to me. When I and my siblings were growing up he referred to us as Bastard children because my parents had separated. Nice thing to tell a child.

 

If you think that is pathetic, my Mom's side of the family is worse. They love piling guilt trips on about family obligations and blood responsibility while doing bugger all about it. When my sister died a few years ago, they treated it like a chance for a family reunion. I ended up throwing some of them out of the house. And when my mom's second husband died (he was a very good man) a year later, they didn't show up for the funeral and worse, some never even called to give their condolences. I began intercepting my mom's email shortly after her husband's death because of the nasty emails my aunts would send mom. They are like a pack of sick wolves, waiting to prey on the weak. Mom still doesn't know I do this. But I see no reason she should read long emails about how she is a major disappointment and greedy etc from relatives who are better off than her. I simply delete them. My mom has battled mental illness her entire life, and done so with dignity and grace. She doesn't need this pain.

 

She lives with me now - I asked her to come here and am glad, but I know when she dies that will be the last I deal with any family member. This includes my selfish, grasping brothers. I want nothing to do with any of them. I have friends who have been there for me - they are my family. Blood means nothing in life. I laugh any time I hear the trite phrase, Family is Family. This is an empty phrase thrown around by people who don't want to admit that often families just are not worth the pain. Just because they are related, doesn't make them worth knowing. There is no magic formula that will make relatives turn into family.

 

So, carve your own path in life. Friends can be a stronger 'family' than relatives because they have chosen to be your friend. Those ties can be strong and healthy. Whatever you choose to do, do so with an open and clear mind. When you look back on your choice, you can do so with NO regrets because you did what was best given your choices.

[quankanne]

what would you do if you were forced to meet extended family? Do you think that being part of an adult is doing things that you don't have to do and that you don't have to do but sometimes you should just to make life more easygoing, or to make someone happy?

 

being an adult is knowing when to take advantage of opportunities as they present themselves to you, but only if you feel comfortable with the idea.

 

at this point in life, the only family "get-togethers" have been funerals, so I welcome the idea meeting family members for reasons unrelated to death! But only if I feel it's my choice/decision to do so, not because someone's pressuring me, so I completely see how this is bothering you.

 

maybe the best idea is to do like a previous poster suggested and just kick the idea around awhile and see if you warm up to it. If you do, great! If not, that's fine, too. But don't deny yourself a chance to learn a little bit more about yourself by meeting family members because you've initially hated the idea. By giving yourself a chance to warm up to it, you at least give the idea a fair chance, even if the answer remains "no, I won't go."