***** Ex husband vs current husband

[ahc]

I have found my self in an overwhelming situation. I was married to my ex at age 16. Stayed for 12 years, the first 5-7 he cheated, ran round, drank, did everything except physically abuse me. At age 28 and after 911 I decided I deserved better than this. We divorced and he gave me everything. House, kids, boat, trucks all of it. No fighting at all. Only extremely hurt feelings. 3 months later the first boyfriend I had ever had, back to age 13-15 walks into my life and was going into a divorce. Boom we both think it is meant to be, God put us in each other lives for a reason. We married 9 months later and things have gone down hill since about 2 years into it. 5 years later and I have once again had this life changing event, been diagnosed with MS 1 1/2 year ago. Had to take a disability retirement at age 32, money not being the issue, I got all of my benefits and retirement. I have been so hard on my husband for all of the things my ex did to me, until I have changed the person he was. We have been through counseling didnt help. We have major issues over step children and trying to make our family blend. I have become very depressed, not wanting to care for myself on days and searching for something missing in my relationship. My ex and I threw some angry words at each other, over a kid visit issue and brought up lots of other things. He asked me to email him and get everything off my chest, so I did. In the process I let him know how he hurt me, how I still had feelings for him etc... Wow was I surprised when he responded pouring his heart out and telling me that he let me go so calmly because he knew that he had hurt me to many times and I deserved better. He gave me everything because I deserved it and to make life easier for me and the kids. Then he said but what you dont consider is I gave up the only one in life I ever loved to put a smile on your face. I hope you never have to endur pain like that. Is this a bad time or a good time in my life for this to be happening? I asked him to meet me this evening so we could talk and he said he needed some time to think, to make sure he wasnt setting his self up for dissapointment. I told him this is something I need to do, I need to know. Nothing sexual an public place will do. So tomorrow we are suppose to meet for lunch. I am so confused. I have this amazing husband who has strong family and religious values, that I feel I rushed into marrying. He doesnt understand my disease and it is causing alot of emotional conflicts between us. I have tried to get him to attend seminars, he wanted to bring the kids, I just blew it off. He is not computer savi so he has done no research what so ever. I have 20 books or more and hasnt picked up one. I do not have a support system with my husband. Now I find myself reaching out to my ex to find that all along he has wanted our family together. Please someone give me some advice. Help me see both sides. I just want to find happiness and be able to enjoy life while I have a good quality life left. My ex and I have 2 teenage daughters together and I have no children with my current husband. I would say the they have both been my childhood sweet hearts. I have seen great changes in my exhusband, as he married a crack head and tried to get help. He now has custody of their 3 yr old girl and is raising her. These changes came immediately after he woke up and I wasnt there anymore. Just to late for me to listen, I was exhausted not out of love, just lost and thought the grass would be greener on the otherside.:confused::confused:

[Lizzie60]

Umm... this is hard for us to give you any advices...

 

I would say... meet your ex... talk seriously about your feelings... this is serious... you have two daughters that you have to respect in all this... you can't play with their feelings...

 

I don't really have any advices.. only to go with what your heart tells you to do... think about this seriously... I wish you good luck!

[kalena9488]

Wow, AHC this sounds very similiar to my situation. I'll tell you about mine as well.

 

I was married to my first husband for 17.5 years we have three children (20, 17 & 11). We were both in the military our entire married life and have both since retired from the Navy. My entire marriage I lived away from family (all family his and mine) he travelled alot and I worked, & raised three kids with no help at all. I know alot gets said about how the military helps its people out but I'm here to tell you know one ever even asked if I needed help. Needless to say at some point I decided that I wanted more. It's been 5 years since we divorced and honestly the only reason I can say we divorced was because we constantly struggled with money issues. But of course we had three kids, a house, two new vehicles etc. Neither one of us had any issues. No other people in the marriage, no alcohol, drugs or gambling problems. So, one day I decided I guess that the grass would probably be greener on the other side. We divorced! He didn't want it but we were able to do it amicably. Then I moved back home and finished out my military service. This is where I met up with my hs boyfriend. I too thought this was it, this was what was supposed to be. I didn't care that he'd already been married twice. He had three kids as well (20, 18 & 14). We dated for 2 years and have been married for 2 years. We had problems with the way he treated my kids from the beginning. Only my daughter (17) lives with me and honestly I figured we could make this work. That eventually, us woking on it, he would be able to care for my kids. Well long story short...that never happened and we are in the process of a divorce. Well, guess what my ex-h wants me back. We have always been best friends and even though I remarried etc. he has continued to be their for me. I've always known if I need anything that he would help and he has. I'm seriously considering going back to him. I've realized what I wanted I alreay had! Love, & most importantly family.

 

What I'd like to say after all of that regarding your relationship is this: If your first husband was physically or verbally abusive then I would think really hard about going back because even with counseling I think that this behavior is hard to change. (I'm no psychologist) But, if you loved him and you only left because you married so young and you thought things would be different and you and he still love each other. Then I would think strongly about going back. No one in this world will love your children the way their father does (in most cases). Your children are very important to you I know that and I also know that our kids deserve to be treated with love and respect. They are in fact just kids.

Edited December 31, 2007 by kalena9488

[quankanne]

I have tried to get him to attend seminars, he wanted to bring the kids, I just blew it off. He is not computer savvy so he has done no research what so ever. I have 20 books or more and hasn't picked up one. I do not have a support system with my husband. Now I find myself reaching out to my ex to find that all along he has wanted our family together. Please someone give me some advice. Help me see both sides.

 

it sounds like that because you're disappointed how your now-husband is reacting to your medical situation, you're looking for answers in an old relationship. And that's not fair to any of the folks involved – you, either man, the kids.

 

as far as hubby not doing computer research or reading the materials you've collected ... my guess is that he's in denial, and by offering to take the kids to the seminar, he wanted to protect himself from the hurt he'd feel when he learned just what exactly is going on with your body. In all fairness, you could have compromised by letting the kids go, so that you could be educated as a family, and so that you could work through all of this. Because any chronic disease is scary even when meds and certain regimes can control. You definitely dropped the ball on that one.

 

if you're seriously thinking about getting back together with your ex, you owe it to your family to completely break off the relationship (i.e., divorce) your present husband. Because as much as he cares about you, he really doesn't need to be stuck with a woman who doesn't want to be with him, and he doesn't deserve to be cuckolded.