macster Posted June 12, 2003 Share Posted June 12, 2003 Hi. I'm new here... I found this site trough google and was touched by the honest and open post, and the nice replies, so I thought I would make a small post... Right now I'm sitting behind my computer after a bad sleep, yesterday my girlfriend who I am engaged to and have two kids with told me that she has been sleeping with someone who claims to be my friend.... she blames me as for the last 6 months I have been working all hours of the day (to pay for the house we now live in). I noticed that last few months that my job was affecting my relationship so I quit the other day, to late it seems. What am I to do now? Should I try to work it out with her, forgive her.... Would love to hear some input as I'm lost at this moment in time... Link to post Share on other sites
Bill Posted June 12, 2003 Share Posted June 12, 2003 she blames me as for the last 6 months I have been working all hours of the day (to pay for the house we now live in) She cannot even take the blame that is rightfully hers. She should have brought this work situation to your attention sooner, rather than cheating on you. Cheating is not a solution to one member of a relationship working too hard. You were not out having fun, you were working to support the home that you and your fiancee(too tired to use alt key) have. For the sake of the kids, you should atleast try to work this out. She has already wronged you, and you need to make sure she accepts the blame. She needs that guilty feeling. She has not accepted the fact that she caused this problem, and not you. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author macster Posted June 12, 2003 Author Share Posted June 12, 2003 She told me many times that I was working to hard but I was blind work told me lies how my extra working would save the company, get me a higher placed job and it all would be over at christmas, then it would all be over at new years and after that spring... I have now seen what kind of liers they are and quit my job to be with my family but it seems to late. I know the guy who she did this with. He's younger than me, more her age, he likes doing the things she does and offered a shoulder to cry on... Thing is, I do not understand people that can cheat on someone they are with, for me sex is so much more than just sex, how could she be this close to someone else while sleeping in the same bed as me? Link to post Share on other sites
Bill Posted June 12, 2003 Share Posted June 12, 2003 Perhaps it was just that, a shoulder to cry on. That still does not make it right. Sex is more mental than physical when feelings are involved; the feelings I speak of are emotional. She may not have seen this as so wrong. People often justify their actions by placing blame somewhere else. She may think, "Well, he worked so much, never came home to actually be with me. What was I supposed to do? I needed someone. It's his fault that he wasn't there for me.". No matter how many times she told you, it doesn't justify cheating. Nothing justifies cheating. She can sleep in the same bed as you because she has attached the blame on you. In her mind, it's your fault. She needs to be aware of the error in her thinking. You need to ask her if she has actual feelings for this person. Link to post Share on other sites
wideawake Posted June 12, 2003 Share Posted June 12, 2003 Hey macster, Sorry to hear about this, it sucks, I know. I know you probably love this girl, and the fact that you were working your ass off to support her and the kids is testiment to the kind of person you are. But she did some very wrong things by cheating on you and I don't think she fully realizes how bad that effects you, her and the kids. I guess you guys should talk about this and see if you can perhaps work it out. Do you see yourself being with her for the rest of your life and having a happy marriage and all? There's no excuse for her behavior, and I'm not sure if I would be able to forgive her for these things. If she's doesn't do a complete 180 and start making up for her errors though, I think you should show her the door and never look back. She doesn't sound like the kind of person you'll be able to trust as a life partner. I hope things get better buddy, Take care of yourself, Wideawake Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted June 13, 2003 Share Posted June 13, 2003 I feel sorry for the two kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Author macster Posted June 14, 2003 Author Share Posted June 14, 2003 well, we had our talks.... she claims she does not know how shes feeling. She sais that she lost the love for me because I was never there for her... the problem is that my work really brainwashed me and thus I was always working, if the kids were ill I asked her to stay home etc. We have had our chat's now, she called the guy and told him it was a mistake, I have spoken to him as well (mutal "friend") and let's say I said enough to get him to stay far far away... for the sake of the kids I am willing to see if we can patch things up. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted June 14, 2003 Share Posted June 14, 2003 Well that's good. Relationships can survive infidelity, and perhaps yours is one of those that can. If it's true that you were mentally (and physically) absent from the relationship and your family because of work, this has been an important wake-up call. But I do think it sounds as though both you and your gf are putting too much of the blame for the infidelity at your feet. Your gf had other options. She could have just left you if the relationship was unbearable as it was. There is never a need to get into the hurtful territory of betrayal and infidelity. Perhaps it was something she wandered into somewhat unwittingly ... but if that's the case then she's got to face the fact that she's not very self-aware or in control of her behavior, that she passively responds to hurt by allowing other people to distract her. And if the affair was something that she deliberately undertoook, then she's got to confront the fact that she's someone who chooses to retaliate by giving out worse than she gets. Goes without saying that the "friend" is no such thing and has no place in either of your lives. You've made the jolting discovery about yourself that you needed to make in order to save the relationship: you were not giving any of yourself to it because you were duped about the importance of your work. OK, good, you're well on your way to solving that, and it's unlikely to happen again, right? But what about your gf? Does she really & truly understand how damaging what she did was? Does she really accept her responsibility for what happened? Her affair was in no way inevitable. Her affair was not benign, and the ends (you waking up and smelling the coffee about your work) do not justify the means. As long as she's not facing up to what she has done, I think your problems are far from over. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author macster Posted June 14, 2003 Author Share Posted June 14, 2003 Well, she sais shes dead sorry and it wont ever happen again... how can I know for sure? She can now see what a bad guy he is because he was very nasty to her on the phone when she said it was not gonna happen again. He also told her that the money he borrowed from her is not going to get paid back.... so she now sees what a stinker he is. As far as me, I have quit my job and I'm going to do a part time job so I can spend more time with the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted June 14, 2003 Share Posted June 14, 2003 Originally posted by macster As far as me, I have quit my job and I'm going to do a part time job so I can spend more time with the kids. Wow, if you can afford to that, more power to you. On the other hand, if you were working relatively normal hours (40-50 hours per week is normal in the US, and 60 hours usually isn't considered extreme) and she felt that you weren't giving her enough time, I think that maybe she's got some unrealistic expectations for how much time you ought to be devoting to her & the kids. But whatever works for you. As for whether or not she'd do it again, almost doesn't matter. Certainly doesn't matter that the other guy turned out to be a jerk. That's NOT the source of her problems, which are your problems too as long as you're with her. The question is: does she understand and take ownership of the path she took (SHE took it, you didn't force her onto it)? Like I said earlier, she didn't have to choose infidelity to deal with the unsatisfactory dynamic that had developed between the two of you. How is she going to handle herself going forward? How is she going to confront problems? That's what's at issue. Link to post Share on other sites
bryanp Posted June 14, 2003 Share Posted June 14, 2003 Let me see if I get this straight. A woman who you are engaged with has been having sex with a mutual friend (?) and putting your health at risk by betraying your trust and cheating with him behind your back. She gives her lover money which he will not pay back. She claims it is your fault for working too much and ignoring her needs. You respond by quitting your full time job and taking a part-time job instead. This is a woman you want to marry? What is wrong with this picture? Link to post Share on other sites
Author macster Posted June 14, 2003 Author Share Posted June 14, 2003 Originally posted by midori Wow, if you can afford to that, more power to you. On the other hand, if you were working relatively normal hours (40-50 hours per week is normal in the US, and 60 hours usually isn't considered extreme) How is she going to handle herself going forward? How is she going to confront problems? That's what's at issue. Normal hours here in the UK is 48. I was doing about 60 to 70 at work and did a 3 hour travel to and from work every day. Thing is that she also works but has to take kids to school and collect em, basicly I only saw the kids in the weekend, if I did not have to work. I dont know what you mean with the confront part. She screwed with my feelings and heart... She sais that she is real sorry and that she wanted to break up with me before but could not as we bought a house and she was stuck with me because of the mortage... I get the feeling that you guys are saying that I should dump her... But what about the good times we had? What about the kids, what about what we might have again now I can be a part of our family again? Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted June 14, 2003 Share Posted June 14, 2003 I'm not at all suggesting that you two can't make another go of it and have it work out this time. But it sounds like your gf is not owning up to what she did. She's sorry. OK, fine. That's a start, but that's not enough. One might wonder if she's sorry because she realizes it's not practical for her to carry on with this jerk anymore, or because she knows that -- as she has said -- leaving you would be difficult due to joint ownership of your house. I'm not suggesting that she isn't really sorry. But unless she faces up to the fact that when your relationship was at a low point she chose an even lower path, her being sorry isn't going to be very meaningful. I think it would be a mistake if the two of you process this episode as, "Macster was messing up the relationship because of his work, and poor Girlfriend was driven to cheat on him with a so-called Friend who turned out to be a Jerk." Because based on what you've said, a more accurate description would be, "Macster was messing up the relationship because of his work, and Girlfriend decided to make things even worse by having an affair with a so-called Friend who turned out to be a Jerk. Neither Macster nor Girlfriend were demonstrating good judgement, and both must strive to be better attuned to each others' needs, and to communicate better." You were being short-sighted and blinkered about your work and your family. But so was she. You've owned up to your part in it, and all I'm saying is that she needs to do the same. So that the two of you can move forward knowing that you can rely on each other. She can be confident that you're not going to let other things come between you and your family. And you can be confident that when things get tough (as they inevitably will) she's not going to resort to destructive, hurtful behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Author macster Posted June 14, 2003 Author Share Posted June 14, 2003 I see what your saying but fail to see how she can demonstrate she is truly sorry. I quit my job and will start one that will consume less hours and be more family oriented. I asked her if I would take on the house and enable her to go wherever she wants if she would do this she said no. She said that she really thought that I no longer cared what she did. I guess its now up to her to gain my trust back (which is seriously broken now) and for me to proove that I mean it when I say I want to mike time for the family, it's going to take time.... Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted June 14, 2003 Share Posted June 14, 2003 yes, it will take time. I agree that it's not something that can be resolved with one conversation. But I hope that she has explicitly taken responsibility for her part in it. Saying she's sorry isn't enough. She needs to be clear about why her actions were wrong, regardless of how she thought you didn't care, etc. Explanations, OK. Excuses that fob off responsibility onto you, not OK. If her apology comes with a "but you have to understand that ..." or "I only did it because ..." then she doesn't really get that what she did was flat-out wrong. She had other options, but she chose the most hurtful. Her reasons for doing so are worth knowing, yes. But they do not excuse her behavior. I must say that, like some of the others who have posted here, I'm surprised that this isn't crystal clear to you. Most people whose partners have cheated don't say, "well, what she did was bad and it hurt me but it's kind of my fault that she did it." You are at fault for the things you did and didn't do. She is responsible for the choices she made. No one forced her. If she felt trapped by circumstances, that's only because she wasn't willing to suffer inconvenience, or because she lacked imagination or courage. Link to post Share on other sites
km82794 Posted June 20, 2003 Share Posted June 20, 2003 I hate to say it but Bryanp took the words right out of my mouth. You must be a bigger person than I am, because I couldn't be in the same room with her, let alone live with her and carry on like nothing has happened. I would be thinking more along the lines of who's getting the kids, the toaster and love seat instead of let's work this out. In my opinion what she's done is unforgivable. She betrayed you with one of your friends, lied to you, risked your health, she gave him your money (I see the money as yours too, being you are a couple), and now she won't take responsibility for her actions and wants to shove all the blame on you, when all you were doing was busting your butt for her and your kids? wow. Will you ever trust her again, I mean really trust her? I feel for ya guy, take care! Link to post Share on other sites
veggie Posted June 20, 2003 Share Posted June 20, 2003 Have you considered counseling? I share the concerns of all who have posted here that your gf chose one heck of a way to show her displeasure with you working too many hours. While I understand she might have been upset at having to take all the home responsibilities on herself, having an affair was a truly inappropriate way of dealing with her feelings. It is admirable that you are concerned about the kids and willing to forgive your gf. But your forgiveness must be accompanied by her awareness. Awareness of why she did what she did, awareness that it was wrong regardless what you were doing, awareness of what she will do in the future when the next problem presents itself (you may not fall into the trap of working too many hours again, but you will surely have other problems if you plan to spend a lifetime together). Also, what do you mean when you say that she wanted to break up with you earlier but couldn't because of the mortgage? If this is how she feels then ignore everything I have written and get out! Link to post Share on other sites
Author macster Posted July 28, 2003 Author Share Posted July 28, 2003 It's been a while since my last post and the website send me a reminder that I had not logged on for a while so I thought I would give an update. Things are a lot better these days. We always talk when something troubles us between each other, we make time for eachother by getting a babysitter so we can go to the movies or dinner (have not done that since the baby was born) and we both give eachother me time where one grabs both kids and dissapears for the whole day. As for our special friend... without me saying anything people have started hating him for the loser he is... the fact that a few other people found out that he's been working on their partners did not help. It seems that he targeted couples in trouble and worked on the woman. Things are getting thus warm under his feet that he now plans to move back to his home country.. can't wait, shoudl I help him pack? lol Link to post Share on other sites
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