Don't know ... (Long Post)

[syd_sans]

Hey there everyone!

 

I’m a newbie to this forum and well... to get to the point, I’d like your opinions and advice on my current situation. Warning, a long whingy post is ahead, so click away now if you’re not interested.

 

Long story short, I’m at the end of my second year of university and have yet to be kissed, have a girlfriend or received any interest whatsoever from females. Going back to the start for some background, I’m an Australian born Asian male. My parents were and still are the traditional stereotypical Asian parents. When I was young, my father would carry out corporal punishment, he threatened not to love me as much if I didn't make it into a good school/get good grades and my parents also compared to my cousins and told me how poorly I compared, etc. Basically, they were all about the study and didn't care about socialising, my parents themselves barely have any friends. To this day, my father still continually points out all my flaws, additionally, he also compares myself to him and occasionally threatens physical violence. He tells me how I should be sleeping with as many women as possible, how he had slept with many girls by his teenage years and how he's more attractive than I am. To further add to it, he often guilt trips me, saying things like how he gave up so much to raise me, my parents also want me get married and have kids as soon as possible and to live with them until they die. They want to impose on me their life rather than letting me live my own.

 

My parents put me in an all boys high school to keep me from being distracted from my studies, consequently, I never talked to or even knew any girls my age throughout my high school years. I watched with envy as classmates around me managed to get girlfriends from social gatherings and the girls' school across the road. However, unlike the others, I was and still am very much an introvert, I could never just go up to someone I didn't know and start talking. While pretty much everyone else in my university classes have heaps of friends, I have no such desire and would be perfectly content with just being alone with my partner. Sex isn't really my driving force, what I desire is a long term relationship, one built upon mutual trust, respect, common interests and genuine love for one another. One of my fantasies is for me to be able to escape the life I live now with the girl that I love and just go travelling with her.

 

My high school had dances arranged with the girls' school across the road which I generally stayed away from as I had no clue how to dance. The one time I did manage to muster up the courage to go, no girls were interested and I simply sat on the sidelines watching as everyone else was having fun. Senior prom was quite devastating for me, it seemed everyone had a date but me; I sat at the table alone with like four other couples chatting, making out and dancing. I felt like breaking down, but, at that point, I still had a glimmer of hope, that everything would change when university came around.

 

At uni, everyone else seemed to make friends quite quickly and easily, everyone but me, I found it quite difficult to create and maintain conversations, especially so when it was a girl, I became an outcast. University also brought upon a new obstacle for me, alcohol. It seemed that at any event, even university organised events, everyone would be drinking, but unfortunately for me, I cannot really take alcohol (my whole body goes red, I get increased pulse, dizziness, headaches, etc). Making things worse were all the couples everywhere showing their affection towards one another whilst I was alone. All the girls I was interested in weren't attracted to me and most of them also had boyfriends. I’ve started becoming reclusive and avoidant, I take the back routes into the university to avoid run-ins with people I know. It’s not helping my situation but I don’t see the point in it anymore. This places us at the current point in time, with my second year of college over and no interest from girls, I can no longer blame my situation simply on being in a single-sex environment, rather, that I am simply not an attractive prospect to girls, I can't communicate well, I'm not attractive, I don't dance, I can't drink, etc. I don't really know where to go from here or what to do, I feel as though I will be spending the rest of my life alone. I do have my interests like photography, travel, road trips, graphics design, urban exploration, music, bushwalking and cycling, but they can only cover up the void so much and you end up wishing to be able to share your interests with someone you love.

 

The girls I see every day at uni seem nothing like me, I’m generalising here, but it seems all they care about are flings, partying/clubbing and getting drunk whereas I am looking for a long term partner. Someone who I can share my life with, someone who is devoted to me and to whom I would be devoted to, the type of relationship where if it ever came down to it, you’d give their life for theirs without a second thought. I guess I’m being an idealist, however life ain’t the movies and not everyone ends up with a happy ending. I’ve been trying online dating for the past year and half or so, not only don’t I get messages, girls don’t even look at my profile. When I've made contact, I've had some good starting conversations, but after they see my photo (i.e. my looks/race), in every single case thus far, it's like they've disappeared off the face of the earth. To add insult to injury, my friend who is quite similar to me personality wise (but is blond and blue eyed) decides to try online dating and in two days, he finds “the one” and they’re now contemplating moving in together. It seems as though while Asian girls get lapped up by Caucasian males, the community view Asian men as the most inferior type of men there are. We have a myriad of negative stereotypes associated with us and I’ve seen many online profiles where under race, girls tick every box except Asian.

 

For those of you who are still here, thank you for reading through my rant. If you find it necessary to criticise me or give me a ‘wake-up call’, then by all means feel free to do so. I’ve hit a brick wall and honestly don’t really know where to go from here so advice and opinions would be greatly welcomed. There’s so many things wrong about me that I don’t even know where to begin and then there are the things which I cannot fix. I apologise for the negative and cynical tone of my message but after over a decade of nothingness, it’s difficult for me to see the things in a positive light.

[dunstable]

I feel for you. I can relate from my own experiences to a lot of what you said. I do feel online dating would be your best approach - but you say you've done it for a year and a half with no dates, so I wonder if using different sites might work better? If it's your race that is the problem, are there dating websites for your race? You have a wide range of interests, and you express yourself very well in writing - I would have thought you would do very well on dating sites. By the way, you do not come over as negative and cynical as you say in your last paragraph but as remarkably objective, well-balanced, and good-humored.

Edited January 4, 2008 by dunstable

[syd_sans]

Hi Dunstable,

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond, I really do appreciate it. I haven't just tried one site in regard to online dating, I'm active on probably about a dozen dating sites and still no luck. An additional problem/obstacle I have is that I'm sort of in between the two cultures. When I've had Asian girls around me I cannot relate to them as they're into Chinese TV, music, culture literature, etc., whilst me, having been raised here in Australia am used to the Western culture and norms. Having said that, I don't fit in with the typical Aussie either - I'm not into partying, getting drunk, clubbing, etc. I'm in the middle of the two extremities and it's a lonely place. Asians don't relate to me and vice versa whilst Aussies won't even give me a first look yet alone a second glance.

[dunstable]

When I was young, my father would carry out corporal punishment, he threatened not to love me as much if I didn't make it into a good school/get good grades and my parents also compared to my cousins and told me how poorly I compared, etc. Basically, they were all about the study and didn't care about socialising, my parents themselves barely have any friends. To this day, my father still continually points out all my flaws, ...

 

My parents put me in an all boys high school to keep me from being distracted from my studies, consequently, I never talked to or even knew any girls my age throughout my high school years. I watched with envy as classmates around me managed to get girlfriends from social gatherings and the girls' school across the road. However, unlike the others, I was and still am very much an introvert, I could never just go up to someone I didn't know and start talking.

 

 

Your repressive home background and being sent to an all-boys school must have made it much harder for you to socilaize with girls - I had similar problems and it held me back. I didn't have a girlfriend until university and then I married my first girlfriend, which was a mistake. You will have girlfriends eventually but don't be too anxious to settle into a long-term relationship. It takes a couple of years to know whether someone is right for you - you need to see them in many different social situations, and in bad times as well as good, and see how they behave and how they treat you. You probably also need to date several girls and see how they compare.

 

Sex isn't really my driving force, what I desire is a long term relationship, one built upon mutual trust, respect, common interests and genuine love for one another.

 

Hmmm, I've found that for me physical chemistry is the bond that makes relationships endure. At one stage I married someone to whom I was not physically attracted but who I thought was a good and kind person who shared my interests. When I found out she was not as good and kind as I thought, the marriage quickly broke up because the physical attraction wasn't there either. By the way, I had rushed into the marriage and hadn't followed my rule of thumb that it takes 2 years to know someone.

 

This places us at the current point in time, with my second year of college over and no interest from girls, I can no longer blame my situation simply on being in a single-sex environment, rather, that I am simply not an attractive prospect to girls, I can't communicate well, I'm not attractive, I don't dance, I can't drink, etc.

 

Your messages indicate that you can communicate extremely well. Not dancing is not a major problem - I have no sense of rhythm and I am very self-conscious, and even when I had taken dancing lessons, I was a terrible dancer. Dancing was not important to most of the many girlfriends that I had eventually. There are many people who don't drink, and drink adversely affects many relationships, so not drinking could be seen as an advantage not a problem.

 

I do have my interests like photography, travel, road trips, graphics design, urban exploration, music, bushwalking and cycling, but they can only cover up the void so much and you end up wishing to be able to share your interests with someone you love.

Your interests include many activities that can be shared with another person, which is very promising.

 

There’s so many things wrong about me that I don’t even know where to begin and then there are the things which I cannot fix.

I cannot see anything wrong about you at all, but the fact that you say this makes me wonder if you are too negative about yourself in your early communications with girls. People take us at our own appraisal of ourselves.

 

Do you think you might be scaring girls off by saying that sex isn't a driving force and that you want a long-term relationship? A lot of girls want just to date for a long time and to see whether a relationship might develop. Many girls/women don't regard dating and even having sex as constituting a relationship - it's an exploratory phase that precedes a possible relationship. (Having said that there are other girls who take having sex as a sign of commitment, so be careful).

 

I hesitate to make this last suggestion but do you think you need to gain some sexual experience/confidence and some companionship with women by paying for it? If you don't think it immoral, there are many fine providers to be found. Contrary to stereotypes, many providers have regular jobs, some are students, others have degrees, they enjoy what they do and they can be fantastic lovers and good conversationalists. Of course, there are also many you would want to avoid so go carefully if you follow this suggestion!

Edited January 5, 2008 by dunstable

[j_hunt_12]

I hesitate to make this last suggestion but do you think you need to gain some sexual experience/confidence and some companionship with women by paying for it? If you don't think it immoral, there are many fine providers to be found. Contrary to stereotypes, many providers have regular jobs, some are students, others have degrees, they enjoy what they do and they can be fantastic lovers and good conversationalists. Of course, there are also many you would want to avoid so go carefully if you follow this suggestion!

 

I like that that rec.. haha. I think your still a little too young for that route. But I'd say go for it in a few years.

 

1)You are a badas**. You get girls all the time. You work out all the time. You dont look that good but you still manage to get the hottest girl at the party every time... then dont call her back. blah blah blah......

 

You need to think more like this. You don't actually have to act that way but you have to think that way. All the people that are the best at getting girls are the biggest toolbags that think there gods gift to earth... dont know why, but it's true. Get in that mindset then be a little bit of a gentleman, be really honest, and your set. Once you do that it will help you on all levels whether you just want to hook up or get that perfect, sweet girl you want to spend the rest of your life with.

 

Your depressing post is exactly the kind of attitude that will never get you the girl.

 

2) You don't have to be that funny, or talk that much, or dance just try to have fun a little more. I got hook-ups (pre-girlfriend) at parties, probably because I looked ok, was really honest about stuff, spoke my mind, found stuff i had in common with the ladies (like cool stuff not gay or girly stuff) and talked about it. Every time I tried to hook-up, I failed; every time I just tried to have fun and be friends with the ladies, I hooked up. Granted, I was always drunk. Same with my GF... I was just friends and wanted to enjoy being with her then love just happened.

 

That's all I can say... I was kind of in your shoes for a point in my life. And don't get too down... If nothing else works you'll be with a hooker in a few years ohh yeah..... peace

[syd_sans]

You will have girlfriends eventually but don't be too anxious to settle into a long-term relationship. It takes a couple of years to know whether someone is right for you - you need to see them in many different social situations, and in bad times as well as good, and see how they behave and how they treat you. You probably also need to date several girls and see how they compare.

 

Thank you for sharing your experiences here. Whilst I yearn for love, I definitely wouldn’t just be with any old girl or rush into marriage, I’d look for someone similar, etc. Considering I haven’t even found a single girl willing to go out on a date with me, I don’t know how I’ll go about dating several girls .

 

Your messages indicate that you can communicate extremely well. Not dancing is not a major problem - I have no sense of rhythm and I am very self-conscious, and even when I had taken dancing lessons, I was a terrible dancer. Dancing was not important to most of the many girlfriends that I had eventually. There are many people who don't drink, and drink adversely affects many relationships, so not drinking could be seen as an advantage not a problem.

 

Whilst I may be able to communicate well on a written basis, when it comes to oral communication it’s a whole different story, I struggle to keep conversation going. I can’t come up with responses straight away and writing allows me the time to lay out my thoughts before expressing them. Unfortunately in my society the non-drinkers are by far the minority, we often get ridiculed for it and/or pressured to “loosen up” and “have a drink”, alcohol appears to be an integral part of Australian society.

 

I cannot see anything wrong about you at all, but the fact that you say this makes me wonder if you are too negative about yourself in your early communications with girls. People take us at our own appraisal of ourselves.

 

It’s possible, although this isn’t really the tone I talk to girls in, I try my hand at comedy and have a much more positive tone. This post here is really just a lashing out of repressed feelings I guess, I don’t go around expressing all my flaws to potential interests .

 

Do you think you might be scaring girls off by saying that sex isn't a driving force and that you want a long-term relationship? A lot of girls want just to date for a long time and to see whether a relationship might develop. Many girls/women don't regard dating and even having sex as constituting a relationship - it's an exploratory phase that precedes a possible relationship. (Having said that there are other girls who take having sex as a sign of commitment, so be careful).

 

Again, I don’t really express to girls that I want to be in a long-term relationship them, I do take the friends approach and see if things develop from that way. I don’t know, perhaps I’m just old fashioned but I think that sex is dished around too easily nowadays.

 

I hesitate to make this last suggestion but do you think you need to gain some sexual experience/confidence and some companionship with women by paying for it?

Your depressing post is exactly the kind of attitude that will never get you the girl.

 

Let’s just say that I’m aware of this option but don’t intend to take it any time soon, perhaps when I’m the “40 Year Old Virgin” then I’ll consider it so at least I don’t die a virgin. Again, I emphasise I don’t talk in this tone when talking to potential dates .

 

You need to think more like this. You don't actually have to act that way but you have to think that way. All the people that are the best at getting girls are the biggest toolbags that think they’re God’s gift to earth... don’t know why, but it's true. Get in that mindset then be a little bit of a gentleman, be really honest, and you’re set. Once you do that it will help you on all levels whether you just want to hook up or get that perfect, sweet girl you want to spend the rest of your life with.

 

In that case, the world/people/society seems pretty screwed up if you ask me .

[dunstable]

Whilst I may be able to communicate well on a written basis, when it comes to oral communication it’s a whole different story, I struggle to keep conversation going. I can’t come up with responses straight away and writing allows me the time to lay out my thoughts before expressing them.

Don't worry too much about ability to make small talk. I've always had a problem with it and can assure you it gets a little easier as you get older (I'm a lot older than you). One thing to realize is it takes two to have a conversation and if the conversation is failing to get underway it's likely the girl isn't doing her fair share. I'm sure you know to take a genuine interest in the other person and ask a lot of questions. Sometimes the other person answers in monosyllables and doesn't ask any questions in return; when you are young, you may think you are doing a bad job at conversing, when you are older, you just write it off as the other person either being withdrawn or simply not interested and you don't let it worry you.

 

When I was your age, I used to find other young people made inane conversation. I just wasn't able to participate in a cool way. After a few years, the people I was mixing with were more mature and conversation was much easier.

 

I think you are much more mature for your age than most of the people you are mixing with.

[j_hunt_12]

In that case, the world/people/society seems pretty screwed up if you ask me .

 

No one ever said it's not. But I agree completely. Let me justify it a little more. You dont actually have to be an jerk or toolbag (those guys get hot sluts... ) but you've got to come in on that angle. The "I'm depressed and want a girlfriend" never works. You already know this I'm sure. For example, my GF. I wasn't a jerk or toolbag by any means. If I was she would of never gone out with me; but I did go in with the mindset that she already wanted to date me, that I was the bad one, considering she is really sweet and very very conservative christian, I didn't have to be that bad of a person...lol... and I'm not, but its that mindset. And I still was the one that she wanted to fix. Girls like to fix guys and they like guys who are emotional and honest.

 

That's what will get a girl attracted to you. After that, all your other credentials that seem to be quite good and will get a girl to want to keep you... Then you got a whole other problem to deal with... lol.

 

As far as meeting girls... I see your problem. I would say go to a church.. but... Maybe you should try to join some clubs... halfway nerdy clubs... I was always in Russian club and International Studies club. A lot of good clean-cut non-party girls may be there.

 

Yes I think you are too mature for your age group too. My problems were always in freshman year in college but then I started to hang out with older more Internationally oriented people and everything became a lot easier. Just try to make friends with some girls. Don't even think about a relationship and then you'll probably eventually find that girl your completely comfortable with... then just go with it, and dont be nervous about telling a girl you like her (that's another big problem)... peace