Bad Credit = No Ring??

[mzladee]

Me and my boyfriend have discussed getting married, have been window shopping for rings and even discussed it with my parents. We recently celebrated our 2-year relationship and I knew he was planning to propose but he didn’t. He later explained that he planned to propose but could not get approved for credit. He constantly says that the only thing that’s holding him back is saving money for the ring or getting approved for credit. He’s VERY BAD at saving and I know his credit isn’t going to fix itself. I don’t want to make any suggestions because I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to rush him; however, I don’t want to have to wait another year or two for him to save up money for a ring. How can you work around bad credit?

[kimmie1212]

I know how you feel about wanting to get married . When you love someone and all they do is give excuses it makes you go crazy. If I were you , I would tell him he has a certain amount of time to save the money and give you a ring or you are history. I f he can't do it, then he surely doesn't deserve someone like you. I hope I helped a little and good luck!!!!

[flower]

Good financial management is critical for a lasting marriage, for your consideration.

[Gray]

As a guy I'm just gonna chime in that an ultimatum like that would not go over well.

 

I understand where kim's coming from, i mean you have to get on with your life if things aren't going any further in this relationship. But I'm just saying if a woman came up and said, start saving so you can buy me a ring or else I'm out of here, I would definately start looking into HDTVs.

[midori]

Flower's point about financial responsibility is essential. You're talking about joining forces with someone who can't manage his money. What does that bode for your future?

 

The next question is this: why do you need a ring to get engaged? Is the promise actually embodied in the ring? Or is it merely symbolized by the ring? I always thought it was the latter. The promise can exist without the symbol.

 

Or if you must have the symbol, why can't you make do with a simple, inexpensive ring? Why must it be something for which a credit line must be extended? What are you trying to convey to others with a ring that's beyond your means? If it's not about conveying anything to anyone else, why are you complicating things for yourself by seeking something you cannot afford?

 

What kind of car do you drive? If you really wanted a prohibitively expensive car that was way beyond your means (and perhaps you do), would you simply go without any car until you figured out a way to get the expensive car that you can't afford? Perhaps you would, but depending on where you live, lack of a car could be endlessly inconvenient. The expensive car would have to be REALLY important to justify the wait and sacrifices in time and convenience you'd have to make.

 

You get engaged because you want to marry and spend your life with your partner. Not to get a ring that you can flash around. If you're just looking for a ring, it seems like your best bet would be to start socking away some of your money so that you can buy the ring you want. Forget your spendthrift boyfriend. If he's unable to buy the ring that you MUST have, how will he be able to buy you a house, and all of the other costly things that so many people seem to think are essential for a happy life?

[flower]

Midori's last few lines are very true. My previous relationship ended due to differences in managing money. Love with your head also, not just heart.

[km82794]

Gray is so right, I feel giving your boyfriend an ultimatum will only make an ugly stain on the relationship.

 

If this guy wants to give you a ring bad enough, he will. He will pass on spending his money on other extravagances and save the money to buy you one.

 

Not to put my nose where it doesn't belong, but I would suggest that maybe your boyfriend take some money management classes before you get married.

 

If he has a bad habit of blowing money, one day he could get the both of you in over your heads in cash problems and have to file for bankruptcy.

 

Let's face it, you want to get married, one day you will want a house, maybe you'll have to buy a new car, god only knows, maybe you'll have children come along. You will need good credit. I've been there!!!

 

Here's a funny story for you....

 

My Fiance teased me for months about buying me a ring. I asked him every day, "when are you gonna give it to me?", "when are you gonna give it to me", I was so excited.

 

Well after about six weeks of my asking him, one day he says to me "Here's your ring honey" and he got down on one knee and handed me this black ring box. I opened it and inside was this metal keychain. I was kind of shocked to say the least. He took it out of the box and slid in on my finger, he had to bend it to make it fit.

 

Then he said to me "If you love me enough to marry me, you'll love me enough to accept this ring until I can afford to put the one I want to on your finger".

 

Do you know I kept that damn metal keychain on my finger until he gave me the real thing, because I knew it came from his heart. I had to scrub rust off my finger daily, but I didn't care because it was a gift from the man I loved. I still have that keychain to this day.

 

So the moral of my story is... If it's true love, gold and diamonds won't matter to you.

 

I know every woman loves the look of a diamond on her finger and you are no exception, BUT, if he gets it at Kay Jewelers or Wal-Mart, just remember it came from his heart.

 

Good luck!

[Lila]

How old is this guy? If he is in his early twenties or is a college student, then give him a break! Could you afford the ring?

[mzladee]

Wow!!! I didn’t think I would get all of these responses. Let me clarify some things and then ask for some alternatives.

 

1st – It’s not that he’s bad with money. I definitely wouldn’t marry someone who is bad with money. The credit issue is something he’s hiring a lawyer for (which takes money). Long story…. And he pays all bills on time (we’ve lived together for a year). I’ve never seen him be irresponsible with money. In fact he kind of stops me from buying unnecessary things. He also helps his family out A LOT.

 

2nd – I’m a very symbolic person, I really believe that the ring symbolizes commitment. Now with that in mind I don’t believe I’m a material person but I am very traditional. I just think it’s romantic. I know what ring I want BUT that doesn’t mean it has to be the one I get or that that’s the only way I will marry him. I mean I’ve thought about the whole “buy a small ring and shop for what you want later” and I’m all for that but what do I just say “ oh by the way you can buy me a small gold ring and then we can go shopping for another one later”. I would feel like I’m almost MAKING him propose by giving him ideas. He speaks of getting married more than I do. I stopped talking about it because I don’t want to be that nagging girlfriend. I know he doesn’t any doubts but I don’t want to keep giving him “ideas” on how he can propose. I want him to just work hard to figure a way to propose. I think the whole metal key chain thing was really cute (km82794). And honestly I would love something like that. But the big question is how do I let him know that even though I would love a beautiful diamond ring, it could wait OR we could find alternatives. I mean I honestly wouldn’t mind buying my own ring. I’m not concerned with the money. I just feel like we both want to get married and this little thing is holding us back.

 

Do you think I should just come out and say “hey you know a ring isn’t the only way to propose?” Or is that too forward? I’m a very outspoken person but it seems like I’ve been biting my tongue a lot lately.

[Just A Girl2]

I'll probably get a lashing for this, but I guess I have to disagree with most here.

 

First of all, what ages are you both?

 

Don't make things too easy for him. Don't go offering to buy the ring (ask me, I know..as someone who ended up being engaged to what turned out to be a real sheister, and I got stuck paying for the $5500 ring, every cent of it). Don't go telling him you'll be happy with a fake ring from a gumball machine until he can afford something else.

 

Let this be a lesson. If he wants to propose to you, he's got to get it together and make some sacrifices and do some planning. Yep, diamond engagement rings are nice (though I sold mine from the guy I mentioned above, and my set from when I was married and didn't bat an eye, they meant nothing)....but to me an engagement ring symbolizes more than just a guy's promise to make a lifetime commitment to you in the future.......it is more than just a 'symbol'....it's a tangible item that shows how seriously they take getting engaged (afterall, how many guys are going to go blow a wad of cash on a ring but not really serious about getting married?) and planning a life together.

 

Call me a total b*tch but let's face it, in a marriage, it's usually that the woman gets the shorter end of the stick. She's the one (if they chose to have children) who has to endure the pregnancy and all the aches and pains and discomfort of that..she's the one who has to endure the long labor..she's the one who's ultimately going to be the primary caregiver, she's the one who will have to put at least part of her career life on hold to raise the child/children...she's the one who will be run ragged during the day with the children, rarely getting time to herself.....she's the one who will be responsible for the bulk of running the home and ensuring there's groceries in the fridge, food on the table, clean socks to wear, etc etc.

 

Call me a wench but let's be real......the woman has a helluva lot more duties and ultimate responsibilities than the man does. Surely she's worth an engagement ring...the cost of a ring is a drop in the bucket for the priceless efforts she's going to put forth for the next 50 or more years.

 

I don't know how you're going to handle this, but I just say don't make things too easy for him. If he wants to propose to you, he's going to have to do some planning and make some compromises and sacrifices. If that means it takes him 6 months to work overtime or whatever to buy you a ring, then so be it. Let him show you he's got the moxy and perseverance to plan something and follow through....a great test of what kind of husband he'll be, I'd say.

 

And yes, I know many will disagree, but that's okay

[mzladee]

See I'm like in the middle with this.... am I being selfish because I want a specific ring? Or am I just trying to make sure our "symbolic ring" isn't worthless. I want to get engaged, I want to get married, I want to start looking for the house (that we talk about every day). I think the thing that makes it worse is he keeps talking about getting married. I mean don't get me wrong, I am very thankful to have a commited man BUT I mean why keep talking about it if you don't have the ring. Oh and I'm 25 and he's 27. I'm graduating college next Friday and I'm just thinking this is a perfect time to go ahead and move on with our lifelong commitment. I don't know I'm not sure what I'm trying to get from this discussion I guess just some ideas. I'm getting frustrated with this. I love him and I don't want to let a ring stand in the way of making our commitment. I know everyone always says don't rush it but I don't think this is the case. I mean we sat there a talked to my parents about how much our budget would be for our wedding. I just feel like this major or minor issue is a big thorn in the rose bush. Ya know?

[mzladee]

Oh and Lila ... yeah I could afford the ring. I wouldn't expect him to buy something I wouldn't get for myself. Honestly the ones I've been looking at have been between one to two thousand. I'm thinking that's very reasonable. I think he just gets the idea that he has to spend more. He keeps hearing stories of engement from work and they are all telling him how much they spent on expensive resturaunts and how much the ring costs. When we went window shopping I showed him how cute the on sale rings were.

[Jamie31]

Some jewlery stores have a layaway option where you only have to put 20% down or something like that. That would be an option.

 

Or if nothing else, have him buy you a "not-so-expensive" ring and then later when you two are better off financially, then he can buy you a better ring. I mean if you are really in love with him and want to get married so badly, it should be the thought that counts, right?

[Guest]

If having a ring is this important, then I'd say you're not ready to be getting married. Marriage is forever (or at least it's supposed to be) and, frankly, if the trappings (ring, wedding, honeymoon, etc.) matter more than the man, or even as much as the man, then do yourselves both a favor and skip it.

 

As for JAG2's notion that the ring is some sort of advance payment for the wretched life you will lead as a married woman, I can only say.... WOW - that's some view of what's supposed to be a loving partnership! (sitting on my hands now to refrain from saying more.)

[HokeyReligions]

So, if you are so outspoken why don't you propose to him?

 

Everyone has different ideas about what is important. What is important to you? What is important to him? Talk to him about all of this and be honest with him and listen to what is important to him and why.

 

it's easy to be influenced and confused by what others say, but what it comes down to is that you and he are NOT those other people and shouldn't set your standards or priorities by what other people think.

[mzladee]

I'm sorry but I don't think wanting a ring makes me not ready to get married. Like I said I'm a traditional woman and I think the ring symbolizes a lot. Not the size of the ring... just having the ring.

 

Also, as far as proposing to him... I've thought about it and I'm not sure why I can't do that. I think part of me wants that whole get down on one knee thing and part of me is like who cares I just want to spend my life with him. I also thought about how he would feel about it. I think he may feel bad if I propose like... he couldn't get the ring so I got one and proposed. It's definately an option.

 

I think this is so hard because he's my best friend and every time somethings bothering me I tell him. I think what I need to do is just sit down and talk to him about it like I do everything else. I just need to figure out the best way to bring it up. Maybe it's something we need to work out instead of it being all on his shoulders while I wait.

[km82794]

Now that I fully understand the story I have to say, "He's already window shopping with you, he's talked to your parents about a wedding, I'm sure he'll be proposing soon".

 

I can understand you're excited as any normal woman would be, but I don't see you having any other alternative, other than just being patient!

 

Maybe if you GAVE HIM my metal keychain proposal, it would give him a push!

 

Or how about this line.....

 

The next time he starts talking about getting married, tell him "the day we get engaged will be the 2nd greatest day in your life. The first will be the day you marry him!

 

I wouldn't get frustrated with all his talk about getting married (without having purchased the ring), I'm sure it is only his way

of feeling you out to see if you want to marry him in the first place.

 

Goodluck to you!

[mzladee]

Oh my goodness you were sooooo right. I got tired of being frustrated and just spoke up (like usual).

He told me that he already knows when he's going to do it and he tried to tell me but I told him not to tell me when he was planning on doing it (I forgot about that conversation). He also said that the only thing that's stopping him is the money situation and he’s already found out how to work around it. He also said he had no doubts and I wasn’t pushing him. I was sooo happy. He basically had to tell me to be patient and stop trying to control the situation. So I guess I just have to sit back and wait (a little while). I’m pretty sure I know the approximate time he will do it. This way I will still be a little surprised.

 

Thanks for everyones advise.

[km82794]

Seeeee MZ, I'll give ya my congrats now !!!!!!

[brownsuga]

The issue occurred in my life a year ago. I had move in my boyfriend of 9 years (8 years) that I started dating in college. We had talked about marriage for anout a year, and I told him I loved him but wasn't willing to live with ANY man outside of marriage. Almost 6-months later, he convinced me that he was ready for marriage and made it sound like a proposal was around the corner. After I quit my job, move to a new state with him, he told me he was having credit problems. But, since he made about $25 a hour could save the money for a ring in three months. We'll the three months can and passed and it was five months. But, this time I realized he wasn't the man I wanted to spend forever with because I found out he was a lier and hadnt been saving money AT ALL. Being ready for marriage, the bad credit claim was all said to "keep me around" until he was 'really ready'. Well I left him and was much more happier within two months of ending the 8 year relationship and what I thought was a good friendship. If he credit is bad, then he needs to SAVE MONEY if he is serious about marrying you.

[moimeme]

I want to start looking for the house (that we talk about every day). I think the thing that makes it worse is he keeps talking about getting married.

 

So the next time he talks about it, say to him "so does this mean we're engaged?" Then you may get The Question you're looking for. You don't have to have a ring to be engaged, for heaven's sakes. My ex asked me to marry him, I said yes, and then we shopped together for a ring. I know on TV the guy pops open a ring box but why do you need the jewels right away? It is the promise that matters. Once he's popped 'the question', then, one hopes, you can discuss ring choices, etc.

[Guest]

I heard something that might help. Have him pick out some rings ahead of time. Then he can take you to the jewelry store and tell you that these are ones that you can choose. This is a reality check for him to see what you get is what you pay. It will probably motivate him to save some for the more costly rings.

 

Above all,...it gives him CHOICE, which is the most important thing you can offer someone when making a life decision. Be humble and accept his offerings.

[Arabess]

When I got married, the Clown and I went to the Pawn Shop to buy matching wedding bands for about $50. Turns out the marriage wasn't even worth THAT investment!!! If we would have spend big bucks....I would have lost all the joy of throwing it out of a car window and watching it roll down the rain gutter....which actually turned out to the the 'high point' of the marriage.

 

I don't know why a couple wouldn't want toget married just because they can't afford the perfect ring though. You can always purchase one later.....or get to the point of realizing all that money could buy some really cool stuff!!!!!

 

I'm not a big jewelry person though.....maybe I don't relate to the symbolic part of it.

[Tonysweetie]

I can really relate to this situation. I've been dating my bf for 2 years also and I was very much for sure that he was going to propose on our anniversary, and I also know he has the ring. Well our aninversary came and left and no proposal. Well we've been talking about marriage for a long time so I got concerned. I asked him about it and he said he is very stressed over school and his new job that he didn't feel it was the right time. I couldn't understand how that related to our commitment to each other. Finally I realized he just wants it all to be perfect for me. He wants to beable to ask me w/o having to worry about a huge term paper due tomorrow etc. So I'm still in the waiting game but waiting happliy and patiently b/c all I care about is him. I know he'll be my future husband and of course I can't wait but I don't need a ring or proposal to know that we'll be together forever! Hang in there it'll happen when the time is right! Take Care! ~God Bless~

[Clevelandgirl622]

Wow.. My boyfriend just proposed to me with a $250.00 ring.. and I loved it. And couldn't have asked for anything more. Why is it that woman expect men to pay $2000.00 and much more for a ring. And a mans ring is usually no where near that?

 

Symbolic reasons for a ring are very important to me as well.. but it doesn't determine the love and importance of the relationship. A ring is a ring. Be happy with what you can get.. and great full someone is willing to give it to you.