Nomad1 Posted December 31, 2007 Share Posted December 31, 2007 Here is my question: Can you fall out of love with your husband with whom you have separated but still feel jealous when he goes out with other women? The reason why I am asking this is that my STBX, with whom I am still sharing a house and have lived with for 17 years - 3 kids, wants the divorce, house sold etc. We agreed upon this and we are going ahead with it. We have been separated but in the same house for 4 months, probably another 4 months to go before everything is finalised. She said that she can't understand herself why she is feeling the way she is. I know that she is having an EA and that she is in cookooland at the moment. The thing is over the past 4 months we have had tantric sex on 5 occasions, it was always initiated by her. She says that she finds me physically attractive but it is just sex, nothing more. She said that she does not mind me going out with other women (but when in the course of love making, she would say, 'I don't want you to go out with other women, I love you, I love when you f**k me the way you do. I could never do what I do with someone else blah blah blah'. She said that I am a very nice and caring man, that I am very handsome and very responsible etc. I went out with a female friend the other night and when I came back the following morning she asked 'so who is she?'. I never respond to such questions. I just smile. I am moving on but I am slightly puzzled by how quickly she seems to shift from 'I love you' to 'I don't love you'. I know that she is confused based on past experience. Any comments? Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted December 31, 2007 Share Posted December 31, 2007 If I knew what an STBX was, and what an EA is, i might be more constructive. Hmmmm 17 years together. Still living under the same roof. only 4 months separated, but not actually divorced yet. So technically speaking, you're still very much married (not even 'technically' speaking.) And you expect that she would be able to simply slot from one state of mind to another with no transition...? No. personally speaking, I don't think it's possible for women to do that. And actually, I doubt that if the position were reversed, whether a man could do that either. There are a lot of broken hearts on this forum - both male and female - belonging to folk who have split from their partners, and who even a year down the line, living separately, even in different states, are still finding it difficult to move on, and accept that their ex- is seeing someone else. So if you contrast it with your situation, then, yes, too right you can still feel jealous! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nomad1 Posted December 31, 2007 Author Share Posted December 31, 2007 STBX = Soon to be Ex EA= Emotional Affair Thanks for your response, but it is over and I am moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted December 31, 2007 Share Posted December 31, 2007 Also, you should stop making love with her. Really, you should. It's screwing with her mind. Because, as a general rule, women see having sex as an expression of affection too. it's harder for a woman, I think to just switch of and have sex for the sake of sex, than it might be for a man. I don't wish to sound disparaging, but I think there are different male/female viewpoints in play here.... And what the hell is 'tantric sex'? as a Buddhist, I object to you using this term out of context..... (well, I'm not really mad, but.... be careful what terms you use.... because trust me, you might be having sex, but 'tantric'.... it ain't.....) Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted December 31, 2007 Share Posted December 31, 2007 Oh. Ok. cancel that last remark then..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nomad1 Posted December 31, 2007 Author Share Posted December 31, 2007 Thanks Geishawhelk. What I meant is that it was very passionate love-making or call it what you will. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nomad1 Posted December 31, 2007 Author Share Posted December 31, 2007 Remember, she is the one who wanted to end the relationship, not me. I tried everything and came to the conclusion that I should let her go and be good friends with her for the sake of the kids. I have had to work hard to accept this you know. I look forward to when I buy my own house and be out of her hair. She wants us to buy houses in proximity, which is understandable for the sake of the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted December 31, 2007 Share Posted December 31, 2007 STBX = Soon to be Ex EA= Emotional Affair Thanks for your response, but it is over and I am moving on. Ok, cool... thanks also for your other clarification.... Are you moving 'on' emotionally, or do you mean you're moving out? is she moving on? And trust me, don't do the sex bit with her any more.... because it will slow her progress....! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nomad1 Posted December 31, 2007 Author Share Posted December 31, 2007 Geishawhelk - we are selling our big house and moving out at the same time into smaller houes. She wants me to keep the two dogs and to have at least one of the children living with me. I said that my house will be open to any of them to come and go when they please. They are 13, 15 and 16 and they want to live with both of us. I am trying to make things as easy for them as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nomad1 Posted December 31, 2007 Author Share Posted December 31, 2007 About the emotional bit, I guess I am at the end of the ride. It is still difficult at times, but I am strong. One thing though is that I have never had as many female friends. I just love the company of women. I guess that is why I missed her so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted December 31, 2007 Share Posted December 31, 2007 Geishawhelk - we are selling our big house and moving out at the same time into smaller houes. She wants me to keep the two dogs and to have at least one of the children living with me. I said that my house will be open to any of them to come and go when they please. They are 13, 15 and 16 and they want to live with both of us. I am trying to make things as easy for them as possible. Oh boy this sounds crappy.... Well, first of all, the kids can't have it their way, can they? let's face it, they either all divide their time equally between you, or live with one and visit the other unconditionally. but she can't 'force' or oblige either you or the kids to split things this way, just because she wants it that way. it has to be a 3-way compromise...(she, you & the kids...) Oh I am so sorry, this sounds ****ty, really it does.... as for the dogs.... what do you want to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted December 31, 2007 Share Posted December 31, 2007 Perhaps she doesn't want to be with you, but she also doesn't want anyone else to be with you? I don't know. The only time she seems to express any emotion is while your having sex, correct? That's when she says I love you and I don't want you to be with anyone else? I mean...that and when you go out with other woman, she gets jealous. I don't know. She sounds confused. But, you sound like you want to move on...so move on and STOP having sex with her! She initiates it, perhaps due to loneliness(?) but just stop. It's not good for either of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nomad1 Posted December 31, 2007 Author Share Posted December 31, 2007 We are giving the boys the choice but we both want each other to be involved in parenting. I am keeping the dogs - They are very messy! This whole thing is totally uncharachteristic of her. This was completely out of the blue. From me thinking that we had achieved everything we ever wanted to and our relationship became much more stronger over the years, then BANG! I am certain that it is all tied to the EA. Reality will bite and it will be too late. I have noticed that when I withdraw completely, she wants to chat and makes demands on my time as if I am still married to her (well I technically am, but mentally I don't see her as my wife anymore and neither does she see me as her husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted December 31, 2007 Share Posted December 31, 2007 I am keeping the dogs - They are very messy! I'm not sure I can offer any constructive help with any of the other stuff, other than what i have already said - but I AM the (UK) Dog whisperer....! So if I can help..... seriously! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nomad1 Posted December 31, 2007 Author Share Posted December 31, 2007 Right now she is out to visit the EA guy who is in prison and will most certainly be deported. I am here with two of the boys. When I came in I smelled the perfume I bought her for Christmas, Channel 5. She is obviously trying to make an impression. How sad! I just hope that he will treat her half as decently as I have over the past 17 years! Anyway, it is her life! Link to post Share on other sites
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