Is he worth the wait?

[kimmie1212]

I have been in a up and down hill relationship for 3 yrs. I am at my wits end on should I stay or go. I think about this way too much and only end up more confused. So, I am hoping someone can give me the advice I need. It's a rather long story, so please bare with me. I am 27 with a 4yr. old girl and he 41 with no kids.

 

We worked in the same factory together. He's been there for 8yrs. and me 6 yrs. We knew of each other , but never really talked. Then one day out of the blue he started talking to me. It really suprised me because I never he would have interest in me. We started talking to each other at work and on the phone at night. We would talk for hours and sometimes right up until time for work. This went on for 2 weeks before we were actually face to face and alone with each other.

 

We hit it off great!!! I coulden't believe that a guy could be as caring as him. I never had that. We both was not looking for a serious relationship. I was a single mom just trying my best to take care of my child. He was living with his BF and his girlfriend. So, we diden 't have alot of alone time. His dream was to have a place to call home. He was looking for that. In the mean time, we got closer and closer to each other. We both were amazed that our feelings were that strong for each other. But, he had to have place of his own before he can invite someone in his life to share. He talked about the BIG picture for us. I was so excited because I knew he was the one for me.

 

Well, he found his dream home. It has a whole lot of remodeling to be done. I'm talking about 5 yrs. worth. He was so excited. The day he bought the house, I found out I was pregnant. The prob. was he did not want any kids of his own. I was excited and scared at the same time. He came over that night to tell me he bought the house and I told him the news. His mouth dropped, and all he could say was I just bought this house and I did not need this. So I knew he did not want our child. I was really hurt. But I loved this man so much that I went against what I believe in and had a abortion so he could have his dream. He was there for me , but he will never really understand what I had to go through.

 

He moved in with me so he could save money while fixing the house. He did not have to pay anything there. I washed his clothes, fixed dinner every night, fixed lunch for work, wrote out and payed bills for him, got everything he needed for his house. He did not have to do anything. He would get off work and go there and not get home to 12 each night. Then spent the whole weekend working there. I also spent my whole weekend there cleaning and helping. Then I got the impression I was in his way there, so I stopped going out there all the time. We never spent time together and we never went otu on the weekend. This has been going on for two yrs. It was less talk of us and MORE of just hiself. I tried to tell him I needed more attention, but did not help.

I was so alone. Here I'm 27 and sitting home on the weekend waiting for him to comme home.

 

He finnally got a room fixed where he could live there and work on the house also. So he moved out. Then the only time I seen him was at work and if I went out there. I told him again that I needed him to spend time with me but he said he told me that it was going to be like this, but he just pushed me so far back that I was last to everything. I told him that i loved him and he just looked at me. I said would you rather me not and he said sometimes because love is such a serious thing. He should have juust stuck a knife in my heart instead. I just figured he did not love me, but I kept on trying.

 

Then I started talking this other guy at work about my problems and he did the same. It was really nice to talk to someone that really cared to listen. He tried to help me and I did the same for him. He was having problems with his wife. We talked every night for two weeks and had no intentions of being with each other. Then all of a sudden we had to be face to face one night to talk. I had some feelings there and he did to and it happened. It was great. He made me feel like me again. I did the same for him. We could not get enough of each other. He moved out of his house for the time because he couldn't stand his wife. We decided that we were going to make something of it. I had nothing to lose because my man had no time anyway. Well it all finally came out at work. Everybody sorta had an idea before hand except my man. That shows you how much he paid attention.

 

Never in my wildest dreams thought that it would tear his world apart when he found out . I was wrong. That's the first time I ever saw him have any emotion for me. So I had to go through the process of him asking questions and telling him the truth. He couldn't believe I done it because I said I wouln't. But I had nothing to go on but emptyness. We stayed together through it all and it has been tough for me. I really hurt his pride and he doesn"t know if he can ever trust me again. He said if I want to see him and vice vera then o.k.

 

It's been 9 months since all of that happened. It's been very tough for me to stick it out because it is all about him still and always will be. I lost my job there 3 mths. ago and that has helped. I honestly think this made our relationship stronger, but it was a ****ty way to find out that he loved me.

 

We spend a little more time together than before, but it's all about getting the house done before he will even think about taking our relationship farther. It's go with the flow now. He has about 3 more yrs. on the house to be the way he wants it. I honestly think he wants to marry me , but will never tell me. I don't know if he is leading me on or just keeping me around because he has no time to find someone else. Please someone give me some advice and help me through this before I end up in a nut farm.

[maskee28]

I honestly can't believe you are even considering staying with this guy? What you have now isn't even a relationship...

 

You say you think he wants to marry you, but in the next sentence you suggest maybe he's just keeping you around because he has no time for someone else. What?

 

You 'went against what you believe in and had an abortion' for him, and how does he thank you? He moves in and sponges off you until he can move into his new house. Without you. The only time he has shown any emotion for you is when he thinks he's going to lose the privileges he enjoys with you, so he throws you a bone. And you want to know if he's "worth the wait"? For what exactly?

 

I'm 28 myself, and was a single mom for 6 years until I got married one year ago. To someone who loves me and treats me with respect. You're 28, yet seem to be seriously lacking in maturity. This guy isn't worth waiting another minute for.

[uh huh]

If he's not giving you the time you deserve, then he's either really busy, or he doesn't feel the same about you.

 

I think should have cut him off b4 going behind his back with the other guy at work.

 

I dont know why you still want him, if he's showing no interest in you. There is more fish in the sea.

 

I know it seems dark right now but a brighter day will come.

[km82794]

I think you should sit this guy down one last and final time. Ask him where this relationship is going and ask him what he thinks the future may hold for the two of you before you decide to move on.

 

There are MANY, MANY, MANY men out there who are scared to show emotion or tell their woman what they mean to them, I have one. My guess is some guys are afraid of feeling vulnerable by showing emotion or affection. This may very well be your case. He may especially feel this way towards you in particular right now because of the fling.

 

Also, there are many people out there that have a specific goal in mind and stop at nothing to achieve that goal. You guy's goal right now is obviously finishing his house. There's nothing wrong with this, although I do feel you should be included. Is he asking you anything such as "Do you like this color of paint", or "What color of carpet do you think I should put into the living room?", etc., etc.?

 

If he is, I would take that as a sign that he believes you might be living there one day. If he isn't, he may be planning on living alone.

 

My advise to you is say hey "guy", I don't mean to scare you off, BUT, do you ever plan on asking me to share your new house with you or do you want to live alone? Do you ever plan on settling down and maybe getting married?

 

Just come out and ask, find out what your heart needs to know.

What do you have to lose, more wasted time?

 

Why get your daughter attached to a guy that may not be around in another year?

 

I wish you luck!

KM

[kimmie1212]

Thanks alot for your reply. I will sit him down one last time and ask him what the future holds for us. The problem is, that he will tell me the same thing again.

 

He will tell me that he has to get the house done and get his life complete before he can go any farther. Like you said, he does not show his emotions or feelings. He tells me that you know I love you and if you want to be here and stick through me working on the house then I'm glad. That's why I am so confused because I think he is doing this for us. He knows that I am there for the long haul and he likes that. But, he still has it in the back of his mind about me cheating on him. Deep down inside he trusts me, but he will never let me know that.

 

I want him to have his dream home just as much as he does. And like you said, I should be included. Yes, he does ask me what he should do here and about colors and carpet. I have been there since day one on this house and I don't want to go through all of this for someone else to live there with him.

 

I know I will not scare him off because he will not let anything get in the way of his dream. He likes to live alone right now because he doesn't want to answer to anyone and he can come and go as he pleases. But it's been like that since day one of our relationship. I don't tell him what he can and can not do. He is his own person. I will never do that anyway. He says maybe one day he will settle down and get married, but not anytime soon.

 

So, do you see why I am confused? There's hope and then there's not. He will not let my heart know what it needs to know because then I will have him. As for my little girl, she is already attached to him. She loves him to death. Always asking where he is and if he is coming to see her. He loves her too. And would do anything for her. He would be a great role model for her and that's why I haven't gave up yet.

 

So, am I totally crazy thinking this is the one or totally stupid for trying?

 

kimmie1212

[NEONINK]

He's old enough to know everything will never be done, and there's always something else to do.

 

He is as immature as you are. Now, how old will he be before he can finally make a committment???

[clia]

He will tell me that he has to get the house done and get his life complete before he can go any farther.

 

Hahahahaha...Let me tell you something--this is not going to end when the house is done. At that point, he will find something else to delay starting your life together. He sounds like a raging commitment phobe to me. Wouldn't it make sense that he would want the two of you to start your life together now, instead of putting it off until everything is perfect? "Everything" will never be perfect, his life will never be complete; there will always be things to do and accomplish. Curve balls get thrown at people every day. That is part of life. But people who aren't afraid of committing still think they can do those things with someone else in their life. They don't have to say "after I get my degree" or "after I finish the house" or "after...anything."

 

It's not like you just met this guy--you have been together for three years and he has done nothing to move your relationship forward. In fact, his behavior lately doesn't even make it seem like he loves you anymore or that you are his dreamgirl. It's one thing to be busy remodeling a house--it's another thing to completely ignore your girlfriend and not spend any time with her because of it. You do not seem to be a priority in his life, so why is he a priority in yours?

 

He likes to live alone right now because he doesn't want to answer to anyone and he can come and go as he pleases...I will never do that anyway. He says maybe one day he will settle down and get married, but not anytime soon.

 

He is giving you the message loud and clear, so I don't see what you are confused about. If you are sitting around waiting for him to change his mind, you will be a pile of decaying bones when that day happens. Do you really want to waste your precious youth waiting around for this guy to "decide" he's mature enough to get married? What if, in three years when he finishes the house, he still doesn't know? What if he buys a boat and needs to get that fixed before he feels comfortable getting married?

 

I really think you should end things with him. If you want to see him casually, fine, but don't wait around for him to get his act together. Date other guys to get your mind off him.

 

I honestly think he wants to marry me , but will never tell me.

 

Please don't make excuses for him. Don't justify his behavior. He is acting like a fool. Look at his actions! If he wanted to marry you, I think he should be telling you by now. (It has been three years!) But instead he has told you loud and clear that he is not ready to get married. He's known you THREE years! If he doesn't know by now, he doesn't want it.

 

I don't know if he is leading me on or just keeping me around because he has no time to find someone else.

 

My opinion is that he does care for you a lot. He might even love you. But that is worlds away from him being able to make a commitment and marry you. He could keep you hanging for years if you are willing to let him. Are you? What do YOU want? If you want marriage, I really don't think this is the right guy for that...