New years resolution..I want my wife and family back..

[Woggle]

Don't be so hard on yourself. I hate when men apologize for their existance because some woman doesn't apporve of them. It certainly does not justofy being kept from youir own daughter's christening. I am sure you aren't perfect but I doubt she is either.

[Navin_R_Johnson]

Smiley, have you checked out the divorcebusting books and forums? They are more geared toward "standers". Loveshack offers great advice and I find myself reading here more often due to the nature of my sitch, but most of the advice here seems to be "move on, kick her out, get on with your life". DB offers strategies for those who want to foster an environment for keeping the door open.

 

I wonder, after many months on both sites, if DB may give false hopes to some. Check out all sites (DB, LS, and marriagebuilders) and take what you can use from each.

[Nomad1]

It seems that there are serious trust issues with your wife. She does not trust that you are able to change. It may appear that she is not thinking about the situation, but she must at least in as far as you are the father of her daughter. If you want to increase the chances of getting back with your wife, you must move on. Start dating. Separated / divorced women feel trapped by the idea that their former husbands are still obssessing about them. If you move on, you will be no threat. You would have been invited to the christening. You would have been able to rekindle a form of friendship with her. You must work on regaining her trust. Not easy if she thinks that you are likely to get angry with her. It sounds as though she built a wall between you and her for self-preservation. Thinking about her and another man is tough, but you are separated and you can equally be with other women if you so wish. She was with other men before you, yet that does not bother you and neither should it. I think that it is a cognitive distortion that can be sorted through therapy. Would it bother you if you thought of your wife having a nice meal or having an enjoyable massage? If you think of her sexual encounters in those terms, it would hurt less and will help you let go of her and move on. I am sorry that I am saying this stuff to you, but I have been where you are and once I dealt with the discomfort of thinking about her with someone else, there was nothing else to bother me.

 

Take care

 

Nomad1

[smileysmile]

Navin..

 

Yes funnily enough I have the DB books and a few others. I agree that they are geared more for 'standers'.

 

Nomad..

 

I agree with your words.

Yes, she doubts I could ever change. That is her belief. Action speaks louder than words if I want her to see these changes. So now I found him hiding behind the bedroom door I am going to date. I am not sure what that would signal to her?

If she sees my profile on an online dating site for instance? This is how we met.

I agree she wants me to let her get on with it so I will.

 

I don't see her enough or spend time with to show her these changes but I need to focus on myself. I need to make me happy. But I am finding it hard to do because as I keep saying I should have listened to her this time last year to 'change'. I wouldn't have put myself through this pain then.

I am focussing on renovating my house. Should be several more months.

 

Now is time to go NC like I have said. She has to wonder what I am doing. That is if she cares at all.

 

I still can't fathom out why she rang me 3 weeks ago to appologize for the way she spoke to me. (read post).

Then phone my mobile to see where I was. Her excuse was she was "teasing me" to see if I was on a date. Then it was because I have been going on "whoa is me" and then on the other hand I am dating. When I said I was on my own and said why should I tell you as you are with **** and she denying she is and NOT with anybody.

Like I have said, maybe he is her "support" and company for her. Maybe he is a now and again 'sh*g buddy?'

 

I have to be upbeat when I see her but that is HARD to do

 

ps how the hell can we someday reconcile (if that ever would happen) if we have both been with other people? We would never be able to shake that..who on here can?

 

pps I have just realized..NOT once has my ex said to me after the initial begging, pleading etc or during the last 2 months when she knows I want her back and I am not dating..for me to move on and find somebody else. I mean verbally or otherwise to look for somebody else. Maybe she didn't want to force that choice on me?

Edited February 6, 2008 by smileysmile

[Laptop2008]

They are a close family and she thinks the world of her dad.

If we were still together I would have been by her side through this worrying time. Supporting her. But I am not and I feel sad about that.

 

 

Would she kick you out if you try to be there for her? Would she cused you out if you be kind to her while she was at the hospital to be there for her dad?

 

Why don't you be there for her and do everything that a decent husband would do for her wife and the mother of his child and at the same time don't expect or demand anything back? After all, you're the one who messed up? Make up for it in other way without any expectation!

[smileysmile]

Ok.. if you have been reading my story the latest is..

 

Last week I was asked by my ex via text (surprise surprise) to compile all the baby pics from pc onto dvd that were taken before she left in August 2007.

Also video footage which she asked for me to record onto dvd.

 

Well I compiled the photos and gave the disks to her a few days later.

When it came to the videos. I had about 5 hours of us and the baby and family between mid 2005 and Summer 2007.

I had to transfer them onto the dvd player hard drive and then the ex will give me the dvds.

 

So, looking at the happy times and seeing us and our daughter I sort of flipped. It prompted me to make up a fictional man. I called him Tony and he was a 35 yr old single copper.

 

I plucked his photo off the internet and it was a convincing pic because it was a pic that was taken with a mobile.

I had a spare phone so one night last week I texted my STBXW.

 

"Hello *****, how are you?"

She responded and asked me to enlighten her who it was?

Oh is this a game? Ok, male or female?

I texted her that I was told she was a pretty blonde and newly divorced (we are not D yet) and lonely.

 

She asked me who gave me her number? She was a bit wary and had her suspicions it would me. Although she never said but told Tony she had her reasons why she was wary and thought it might be a wind up.

 

Throughout our text chat over the week I was 'fishing'.

I sent her a photo of 'Tony'.

She must have liked it. Her text(s) were kind of flirty. She asked for my age, station and credentials? Followed by a wink. Hmmm what ever could that mean..ladies?

 

I kept asking for a pic and eventually she sent one of her golden labrador laying down. With the caption above it, "Pretty blonde on all 4's pining for you!"

A possible sexual innuendo? She thinks its sarcasm lol

 

Then eventually she sends a pic.

 

I fished more as not to be detected. She said shes definately not on the rebound. Told me what her type of man is, athletic to muscular, manly really. He can be a hunk but if we don't connect mentally I am not interested.

She still kept asking me who gave me her number and was nervous. She was wary because she might be saying to much. I asked her why she split from her ex. I didn't like what I heard. She couldn't tell him enough.

I asked did he hit you? She replied, kinda of..at the end only!

 

Well I found this upsetting and lies. I had to end it.

 

I made my reasons as she kept on asking me who gave me her number.

I said it was a female who knew her. I had to end this. I made my excuses and she flipped.

She caught me out as she suspected it was me. Because of the way it ended.

She rang my mobile later and rang Tonys (which was beside me) from her landline phone. It rang. I had to hang up as I was on the train. She texted Tonys phone, "got you, you freak!"

 

Definition of freak. Genetically devious individual.

 

We had a bit of a text war the next morning. She texted me 6.30am in capital letters about me coming up with £300 for the divorce etc etc.

 

I replied for her not to threaten me. Told her I couldnt believe how she could tell a complete stranger the things she did. That she had no class and dignity etc etc.

I wanted my travel pass now and the divorce. But I would only pay half.

 

She won't give it back but shes going to see the solicitor.

She thinks I am a weird freak now.

 

But before you all jump on my back. Yes it was as my ex says not "normal" or/and "right" and no justification. For a father to do this.

 

But my counsellor says that the video recording had triggered this behaviour. I had to find out "where she was in her life."

I found more than I bargained for

I never once flirted with her. She did with me and I can't believe she spoke about me the way she did to a complete stranger. She was intrigued to get to know 'Tony' more.

 

I was hoping she was going to tell me to sling my hook until I told her who gave me her number.

I can't believe she opened up so much and I was upset and shocked.

I have texted her my feelings on this.

 

I needed to know. I really needed to know. I was fed up of her telling me that she never said anything to anybody, especially a total stranger.

Fair enought, a friend or family. Is this what she is capable of?!

Now I have had my eyes opened.

 

I was due to have my D on the Sunday after the Friday this concluded.

She texted me "simply this..NO..tough mate!"

I texted her that please don't take it out on me seeing D.

This is the way she will do it to get back at me.

 

It went back to normal the falling Thursday. I had access to my D.

But she gave me daggers when she opened the door.

Handed me our D and I put her in the car. She placed the bags and pram outside the front door and then locked her front door.

She never gave me my travel pass back.

The same when I dropped D off in the evening. She took her off me and and the bags. Then as I placed the pram back in the boot of her car she locked her front door without a word.

I rang her bell and she came to her lounge window and said what do you want? I said come to the door. She said what do you want? I said grow up..she replied, rich coming from you!

 

I gave up and left. I will have my D this coming Saturday.

 

In a nutshell I have asked for the travel pass back because we aren't a couple anymore and I don't owe you anything. Only our D.

As far as I know she has or is going now to FINALLY file for divorce.

On the other hand I have mentioned in one of my texts that I was going to let her keep the pass well into the next year to help her out. But after catching her out, the way I did and the things she said about me wasn't dignified for somebody who supposedly "truly" loved me and to a complete stranger.

So shes hanging for dear life to that (DAMN) travel pass and maybe STILL will not file for D as doing she will inevitably will have to surrender it.

 

Hence why she probably didn't hand it back to me and that she locked the door so I wouldn't be able to ask for it back.

 

Well there will never be a repeat performance of this. I have to move on.

I found out what I needed to know without much prompting

Not what I wanted to hear and I have tortured myself.

I won't do anything like this or similar again. I have to regain her trust.

Not to win her back. But to show I am not this "freak" she claims I am now.

 

She has to understand that I still have feelings. That watching these videos pushed/prompted me to do this. I haven't done myself any favours but I have found out shes not on the rebound and that she can easily text a sexual innuendo to a stranger. Also the icing on the cake, the main reason I asked for my pass back is what she said about the reason(s) she left me.

Again to a stranger who texted her out of the blue.

 

I have to get back on track now. Clear my head. Go on holiday in the sun. Get to the gym. Focus. Start dating. Be there for my daughter.

Also bide time, patience on building trust with the ex to stay amicable for the sake of our D.

Edited March 14, 2008 by smileysmile

[milena35]

oh my god!!!! I feel for you Smileysmile. My husband is acting like your ex also. Very cold. He is the one that told me that he is not in love anymore but loves me to death as the mother of his kids. He is so cold but its called Pride and stuborness, he is hurting as much as I am. But really you need to step off from her, treat her like a friend, and only talk to her about your kid, that is what I am doing, I have my moments but I pray and pray and let me tell you it works. Your ex needs to grow up, you guys need to think about your beautiful innocent child that is watching all this crazyness. She is angry now but she will get over it eventually.

 

keep in touch, Milena (I am 39 and we are not old LOL LOL

Edited March 22, 2008 by milena35

[smileysmile]

Hi Milena35.

 

I am not familiar with your story.

 

I think as well as my mum that she feels a fool for being caught like this.

It is not a game to me but like my counsellor says watching the family dvds triggereed this behaviour.

 

Best form of defence is attack and this is what she is doing by calling me a freak.

When all she had to do is call me a prat and not disclose details of our break up etc to a complete stranger.

Right or not normal what I did. Her responses saddened me and shocked me. At least I know what she is capable of.

 

She is very angry with me at the moment and yes I will leave it be now and over time hopefully the anger will melt. No more from me. Just nice ness etc for our child. Who I adore.

I think she is over reacting. She was spitting blood only this Saturday when she dropped our daughter to my place. 2 weeks after this concluded. The fact she got caught with these sort of responses has dented her dignity, the way she wouldn't want others to see her.

I know of women who would have responded differently. They would have said unless you reveal your source to whomever gave you my number then I will not text chat with you. And my past relationship with my ex is not any of your business. I would have respected her so much if you responded this way. Nobody can judge my behaviour as they aren't in my position. That is including the people she has told who according to her think I am warped! lol

 

Well from what I can gather she is still fuming with me and I don't believe she has shown people ALL the texts as mine were tame and just 'fishing' questions compared to her responses.

I think it will die down soon as she hasn't mentioned divorce etc since it happened. Hmmmm