MM left his W last night...

[CallMeCrazy]

Hi ~ so I have a big update, but more over I just really need some advice. Some serious drama went down last night...

 

MM calls me at 10:30 to say that he just told his W about me.

 

He had already been prepping her for his departure. Over the last few weeks they decided that after the holidays he would move out and they would seperate. They split up finances, sold some major items and prepared for this. She had been repeatedly asking him if he was having an A which he denied. Well.... last night that all flew out the window.

 

Not only did he say that he had been having sex with me for the last several months ~ he told her my name. I'm sick.... I understand that this is a consequence of my decision to enter into this type of R but was this really the best decision....!?!

 

So it gets WORSE. He leaves their house upset, etc. after breaking the news and she (his W) immediately goes and tells their 14 and 12 year old kids, "your dad has been F*ing (my name)". Because MM and I work together ~ both the W and kids have met me several times so they know exactly who I am. Obviously the kids are devastated to hear news like that and very upset.

 

He was up all night last night fighting/talking/crying with his ENTIRE family.

 

Today I'm a wreck. Not only am I hungover, I'm sick over this. I don't know what to do. I want to be there for him, but at the same time I'm a little upset that he acted so irresponsibly. He had complete control over how this played out and he blew it! Not only did he throw me under the bus, he specifically said who I was, AND now his kids know. His kids were always "the reason" he'd stayed for so long, so why in the world would he have ended things with his W like THIS?!?! I mean, other than walking in on us having sex I can't even think of a worse way for them to find out their parents are getting divorced.

 

I've been thinking all day about so many things. Why would he have done it like this....???? Any advice, thoughts, etc. would be awesome.

[InvisibleGirl]

Just tell him that youre there if he needs you.

 

 

I hate for other people to get hurt but if my guy called me and told me that sure I would be a bit scared but it would also be a dream come true...

[OpenBook]

I feel horrible about the kids. What a terrible way to handle it - on both their parts. But you say he had been "prepping" his W for weeks, and they had an Exodus plan in place. Did they not tell the kids anything about that plan? Or were they just going to spring that on them too?

[YellowLioness]

First of all, WOW! I can't imagine having to go through what his wife has gone through. I really, really hope that something like that never, ever happens to me.

 

I guess I have a question for you, too: how can you trust this guy? I mean, he broke up a marriage for YOU. How do you know he won't do the same once you all are committed? I mean, sleep with him if you have to, but personally I wouldn't start a relationship with him. That's just silly.

 

As to what happened, you have to deal with what you've done now, I guess. Maybe he did handle it badly, but I can't help but feel that you're incredibly selfish. I mean, you're mad that his wife knows your name. Well, her whole life is wrecked because of your actions and her husband's actions.

 

Try to think outside the box here and realize what kind of situation you've put yourself in. This can't be the kind of person you want to fall in love with, right? I mean, you must somewhere KNOW that you deserve to date someone that you can trust.

 

It doesn't have to be this way for anyone...

[GirlZilla]

Man...CMC, this does suck BAD! He just complicated things even worse than they already were. He may have felt that telling W about the A was important somehow, but telling her and the family who you were was crappy IMO. I don't even know what to say...Just when the end was in sight, he had to go and make things worse. I may be wrong in saying this, but he didn't need to do that. Him leaving his W didn't need to involve you. It needed to be about him and her. Be strong sweetie...hold your head high. Things will simmer down in no time...just hang in there. I can't even imagine being in your shoes unless being caught. My well wishes.....

[underpants]

I understand that this is a consequence of my decision to enter into this type of R but was this really the best decision....!?!

 

I'm a little upset that he acted so irresponsibly.

 

She had to know. He had to tell her and his children...at some point. Right?

 

Since you also accept that this is one of the many consequences of your choice to engage in an affair with a married person then well... there you go.

 

You will also probably be named in their divorce as well, and yes, your work will most likely find out too. There are other possible ramifications but I don't want to scare you.

 

Just be as prepared as you can to handle the fallout of your choices.

[whichwayisup]

Unfortunately for you, it's his marriage and he handled it the way he felt was best. He exploded, told his wife the truth about you - which honestly, I have to say, good for him. NO more lies and deceit. I do agree it was wrong of his wife to tell the kids, especially how it all came out, but in the long run, they would have figured out soon enough because you'd be in the picture and kids at age 14 are not stupid at all.

 

I feel bad for you, bad for his wife and children, but not for him. HE brought this all on himself, with your help, but I guess this is (sadly) the price one pays when in an affair. D-Day and all the fallout.

 

You need to back off and leave him alone, don't expect ANYTHING from him. If he wants to talk, then listen, but don't put any demands on him. He has his kids completely screwed up now, their emotions and pain, feeling of betrayal in so many ways. I hope he is smart and gets them into counselling.

 

How did he throw you under the bus? Isn't he leaving his wife for you? If you are going to be with him, marry him someday and be stepmom to their kids? Or has he broken up with you over this?

 

Anyway, this is out of your hands, so I guess just wait until the dust settles and see what you and he are feeling in afew weeks.

[OpenBook]

Maybe he did handle it badly, but I can't help but feel that you're incredibly selfish. I mean, you're mad that his wife knows your name. Well, her whole life is wrecked because of your actions and her husband's actions.

 

Hey, it takes two to dissolve a marriage -- the H and the W. What happened inside the M has nothing to do with the OP.

[whichwayisup]

Hey, it takes two to dissolve a marriage -- the H and the W. What happened inside the M has nothing to do with the OP.

 

Uh, it does when he went home to try to fix the marriage and ended the A. Except Crazy and MM kept their affair going and his wife didn't know.

 

OB, you sound very close to saying that his wife made him cheat due to the problems in the marriage....HE CHOSE to cheat on his wife, I mean, he could have left waay back when, when the problems first started, but he didn't. He chose to stay, cheat and betray his wife instead. So, now the marriage is over because of the affair that never ended..

[kchiapet95]

ExMM's W told her kids too, my name and all the details about the relationship. I don't care about them knowing my name, it is what it is, but yeah, I do think they could've been spared all the details. Even though they are adults, that had to be hurtful for them to hear. And I feel badly about that. But, it was our actions that caused that, and that was one of the consequences. I'm not their parent, and I'd like to think I would handle it differently, but as WWIU said, it's out of your hands. Wait until the dust settles.

[CallMeCrazy]

To answer a few of the questions...

 

We are in a relationship ~ what we have is far more than physical. I love him and want to be with him.

 

He was not leaving his W for me. Their marriage has been over for years and he had been staying for his kids. It was just bad timing that we began our R when we did. I have known him for several years and known that he was unhappy in his M long before we crossed that line.

 

I'm a little disappointed that he had to do it in that manner ~ and that his W made the choice to break the news to his kids like that, but that was out of my control. I guess I do understand that he was feeling so terrible about keeping the lies he couldn't take it anymore and just came out with it. I felt that he threw me under the bus by specifically telling her about me. However, she would have figured it out eventually so I guess that I shouldn't be that upset about it. I'm just in shock today because I wasn't expecting things to happen like this.

 

I know that everything that has happened and will happen is a consequence of my decision to begin an affair and eventually a relationship with a man who was married.

 

I have a tough road ahead of me that is for sure.... I immediately have to find a new job and figure out how to handle things and be there for him as he goes through this incredibly hard time.

[Lizzie60]

WOW... I have to say that I blame her much more than him...

 

He told her the truth ... then she turned around and tell her kids... what an idiot this woman is... really...

 

He was also wrong to tell her your name... it was very stupid of him to do that...

 

Well.. now that's done... he will have to deal with the consequences - him being an ********* towards the kids... because that's how they will see him...

 

I don't know what to say... I think they both handle this very wrong... but she was the idiot...

 

Good luck now with him and the kids...

[Citizen Erased]

My father told me the same way his wife did, that my mum had cheated. Except he yelled the words at me cos my father is, underneath it all, a selfish ass.

 

But you had the affair, you had to have known this would happen. She was always going to find out who the affair was with, and she had every right to know. He could not tell her he had the affair and not expect her to ask who with! Has it ever occurred to you perhaps he is tired of lying to her?

[syz]

The chances for your relationship with him are probably slim. From the way he began an affair, to the way he told his wife, all of it really. The things that are concerning you about his behaviour now are but a glimpse of what is to come.

 

The dday experience usually has dire consequences for all involved. His wife is going to put up a fight and so are his children and realizing what he is about to lose is going to be hitting him hard.

[whichwayisup]

The dday experience usually has dire consequences for all involved. His wife is going to put up a fight and so are his children and realizing what he is about to lose is going to be hitting him hard.

 

I agree with this, it's going to be a very messy divorce. And it's going to be a real test of your relationship with him too.

[OpenBook]

Uh, it does when he went home to try to fix the marriage and ended the A. Except Crazy and MM kept their affair going and his wife didn't know.

 

OB, you sound very close to saying that his wife made him cheat due to the problems in the marriage....HE CHOSE to cheat on his wife, I mean, he could have left waay back when, when the problems first started, but he didn't. He chose to stay, cheat and betray his wife instead. So, now the marriage is over because of the affair that never ended..

 

Look, I have no control over how you or anyone else interprets my posts. I am simply inputting my 2 cents -- just as you are -- in the hope that it may provide the OP with some insight and perspective. Again, I will quote the fabulous Trimmer: "We're all just a bunch of schlubs sitting around talking."

 

With that being said... obviously (in my book, anyway) there were marital problems. And marital problems - and the ultimate dissolution of the M - happen between the two people who are in it... the H and the W. No one else.

 

I do agree with you, though, that it was a dishonest and not-very-smart solution for the H to cheat behind his W's back... and he bears the full responsibility for that decision.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

CMC, your MM acted irresponsibly to his W in the manner he told her - the manner - but not the actual telling. What he did was put everything out in the open, yes, not in the best way, but he did end the deceit.

 

As for using your name, I think its fair. My MM used my name and W wanted to use it in the divorce papers. I didnt mind - I, after all, was a party to his infidelity and she deserved a name to call me. Not that she uses it, lol, she has much more colourful words to describe me but that's to be expected.

 

I'm sorry for his children the most. I can see the wife would be absolutely devastated, but I never ever believe that such pain can allow a mother to wreak devastation on children in such a way, sharing her pain. It was unfair of her to do that. Even to hurt him - she is just hurting herself and them in the process. However, it does give an insight into the possibility that she may use her children to wreak havoc through a divorce and this could have dire consequences for your relationship.

 

Advice wise, its such a difficult time for him, for you, for her, for his children. He will possibily have the anger from W to deal with and his childrens devastation - and when his child is devastated it is hard to justify seeking future happiness with another. This could lead him to returning/bowing down to W to end any further pain to his kids/taking frustration out on you.

 

As for W, she will obviously be devastated and I guess its up to her whether she decides to keep her children out of it from now on or whether she fights, either way, children are the most powerful bargaining tool.

 

As for you, you need to standby and watch while he struggles with his conscience, while you keep your relationship afloat wondering when the grieving, guilt, worry, stress will end. Its an awful time and I often wondered "Is our love enough to justify this devastation" when MM was far off with his thoughts and his pain.

 

I dont say back-off. It never feels natural to me to back-off when the one you love in the world is suffering his most. I think the most sensible option is to ask him what he needs. Let him talk if he wants to, ask him how you can support him and let him know you understand (or are at least trying to understand) the things he is going to go through. And that is the hardest test of all, because while you're keeping things afloat, wondering when your future that you have longed for with him is going to start, you still feel like an OW, tip-toeing around his feelings, offering your ALL when he can only offer SOME. Its a difficult place to be, that's for sure.

 

I hope it goes well, W and H can dissolve their M peacefully, their kids are secure and loved and not used in battles, and that you are able to sustain your relationship with him - make it all worth it - through one of your most difficult tests.

[AmyY]

These things are bound to cause drama if people don't have clear goals as to what they want in the situation. He obviously got to a point where he could take it no more and out it came. As a mother, I would never do what his wife did, but yes, he'll have to deal with that. Just remember, all that stuff is on his side of the road.

 

And don'r underestimate how much a BS will want details, will press for information- after all, she's been in the dark. I think I would be desperate to know all the details. We think we can understand if we just have all the info and that will somehow make it better.

 

If it is any comfort, sounds like he's creating enough collateral damage that he's not going to go back- even if he wanted to.

 

If you truly love him- be there for him as a friend right now. And sorry, but one of the potentials of getting involved with a MM is being found out.

 

I can only offer you this... my MM decided to work on his marriage with his wife and we have no contact. Alot of people will tell you that a cheater is a cheater and you are signing up for the same deal if you go with this guy. I don;t believe that. I do believe that people can end up in unhappy marriages and out of desperation end up in an affair with someone far more suited to them than their spouse. Statistics aren't in your favor of it working out, but it can happen. Either way, don't get involved wth his family issues- that's for him to handle and out of respect to everyone you should stay out of it. Just my humble opinion.

 

A.

[whichwayisup]

See, he could have chosen to have this awful conversation with his wife ALONE in the house, not while the kids were home. He should have sent their kids off for the day so he and his wife could talk. I'm sure she regrets telling the kids, and did it out of pure anger and emotion, without thinking.

[Havn_a_life]

Hi ~ so I have a big update, but more over I just really need some advice. Some serious drama went down last night...

 

MM calls me at 10:30 to say that he just told his W about me.

 

He had already been prepping her for his departure. Over the last few weeks they decided that after the holidays he would move out and they would seperate. They split up finances, sold some major items and prepared for this. She had been repeatedly asking him if he was having an A which he denied. Well.... last night that all flew out the window.

 

Not only did he say that he had been having sex with me for the last several months ~ he told her my name. I'm sick.... I understand that this is a consequence of my decision to enter into this type of R but was this really the best decision....!?!

 

So it gets WORSE. He leaves their house upset, etc. after breaking the news and she (his W) immediately goes and tells their 14 and 12 year old kids, "your dad has been F*ing (my name)". Because MM and I work together ~ both the W and kids have met me several times so they know exactly who I am. Obviously the kids are devastated to hear news like that and very upset.

 

He was up all night last night fighting/talking/crying with his ENTIRE family.

 

Today I'm a wreck. Not only am I hungover, I'm sick over this. I don't know what to do. I want to be there for him, but at the same time I'm a little upset that he acted so irresponsibly. He had complete control over how this played out and he blew it! Not only did he throw me under the bus, he specifically said who I was, AND now his kids know. His kids were always "the reason" he'd stayed for so long, so why in the world would he have ended things with his W like THIS?!?! I mean, other than walking in on us having sex I can't even think of a worse way for them to find out their parents are getting divorced.

 

I've been thinking all day about so many things. Why would he have done it like this....???? Any advice, thoughts, etc. would be awesome.

 

There's plenty of irresponsibility to go around for the both of you, IMHO.

[Havn_a_life]

First of all, WOW! I can't imagine having to go through what his wife has gone through. I really, really hope that something like that never, ever happens to me.

 

I guess I have a question for you, too: how can you trust this guy? I mean, he broke up a marriage for YOU. How do you know he won't do the same once you all are committed? I mean, sleep with him if you have to, but personally I wouldn't start a relationship with him. That's just silly.

 

As to what happened, you have to deal with what you've done now, I guess. Maybe he did handle it badly, but I can't help but feel that you're incredibly selfish. I mean, you're mad that his wife knows your name. Well, her whole life is wrecked because of your actions and her husband's actions.

 

Try to think outside the box here and realize what kind of situation you've put yourself in. This can't be the kind of person you want to fall in love with, right? I mean, you must somewhere KNOW that you deserve to date someone that you can trust.

 

It doesn't have to be this way for anyone...

 

All I would be thinking of is how awful the BW and kids feel, not about how I feel, but what I've helped do to those people.

[Havn_a_life]

Hey, it takes two to dissolve a marriage -- the H and the W. What happened inside the M has nothing to do with the OP.

 

Ummm, yeah it does when the OP is a factor in the demise of the M.

[Havn_a_life]

WOW... I have to say that I blame her much more than him...

 

He told her the truth ... then she turned around and tell her kids... what an idiot this woman is... really...

 

He was also wrong to tell her your name... it was very stupid of him to do that...

 

Well.. now that's done... he will have to deal with the consequences - him being an ********* towards the kids... because that's how they will see him...

 

I don't know what to say... I think they both handle this very wrong... but she was the idiot...

 

Good luck now with him and the kids...

 

If what the thread starter says is true, the BW asked and asked if he was cheating on her. He lied.

Sorry, but the BW did what she did for good reason.

[GreenEyedLady]

So it gets WORSE. He leaves their house upset, etc. after breaking the news and she (his W) immediately goes and tells their 14 and 12 year old kids, "your dad has been F*ing (my name)". Because MM and I work together ~ both the W and kids have met me several times so they know exactly who I am. Obviously the kids are devastated to hear news like that and very upset.

 

I've been thinking all day about so many things. Why would he have done it like this....???? Any advice, thoughts, etc. would be awesome.

 

Not sure why he acted this way at all, except that he wanted someone to take the fall with him...

 

Not sure why his W would feel the need to tell her children in such an uncaring fashion either...Maybe that's just the way the family is...No protection for anyone...Not even children...(I can't imagine saying the word "f***" to my children, anyways.)

 

What's done is done, though so best look to the future...I'd definitely let him know that I thought he handled it very badly...The road is definitely bumpy and unwieldy, but this is the man that you love, right? So make lemonade with the lemons and hold onto your seat, this one sounds like drama all the way around...

 

All my best,

 

GEL

[Havn_a_life]

The chances for your relationship with him are probably slim. From the way he began an affair, to the way he told his wife, all of it really. The things that are concerning you about his behaviour now are but a glimpse of what is to come.

 

The dday experience usually has dire consequences for all involved. His wife is going to put up a fight and so are his children and realizing what he is about to lose is going to be hitting him hard.

 

I think it was sorry of the MM to continue to lie to his W when she asked if he was cheating.